Last night my husband came home having done his own grocery shopping. I stood in the middle of the kitchen watching him put ‘his’ groceries away. Then watched as he dumped and entire bag of delicious and wonderful Pepperidge Farm Milano Melts into a bowl. Finally, my curiosity got the best of me, I couldn’t stop myself, inquiring minds wanted to know.
“What are you doing with all those cookies, honey?”
“I am going on a diet tomorrow.”
“Okay, but what are you doing with all those cookies?”
“I am going to eat them, I am going on a diet tomorrow. Do you want ONE?”
“No, thank you. But don’t you think eating the entire bag is excessive?”
“No. Did you see what I bought? Goat Food!”
“What is goat food? I didn’t notice any goat food, will you be eating tin cans and other garbage?”
He glared at me then, trying to stare me down. I don’t think he appreciated my attempted humor. His eyebrow lifted, just one eyebrow mind you. I love when he does this, he has perfect eyebrows.
“I bought lettuce and other greens.”
“Oh, I see you plan on eating salads, rabbit food.”
“Whatever, shut up. I am going upstairs to eat my cookies.”
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Today is Hallmark Day, better known as Valentine’s Day.
Chocolate High Heels filled with Chocolate…really
I don’t like this day, but Dearly Beloved usually does
something to remind me it is supposed to be a romantic
day. Today at my usual 4:30am, I grabbed coffee he had
sweetly made for me and wandered up to my office.
There, right there was a great huge box of Godiva
Chocolates. Don’t misunderstand me, I love chocolate,
in fact I am fairly certain it is the thing I love
second only to stilettos. Nevertheless, given the
conversation of the previous evening and my recent
commitment to the gym and my health, well I just
found this great huge box of chocolate an interesting choice.
“Thank you for the chocolate Beloved, you are of course going to help me eat it.”
“No, I am on a diet now.”
“But so am I, remember? The chocolate will go straight to my ass!”
“I like your ass big.”
“So you want to sabotage me?”
“I don’t know what that means.”
Directly after this my beloved Hallmark Day gifter of chocolates, big ass lover wandered off to other parts of the house. Pleased I am sure he had satisfied romance for the day and thrown in a spectacular compliment.
Dearly Beloved also bought me beautiful tulips in my favorite color. I don’t think the chocolate was offered with evil intent, truly. I love chocolate, he knows this and it is an easy gift to give; one generally welcome with great joy, but sometimes that is the point, isn’t it.
This is the second entry in the Stupid Shit my Husband Says.
Love ya, honey big ass and all.
OMG–this one was really, really funny! Now, I’m inspired to do a series on stupid things my partner says–only she might kill me! Hope that chocolate didn’t go to anyone’s hips!
Hugs,
Kathy
I suspect all of us (my dearly beloved as well) could write a series of ‘Stupid Shit’ the other one says. The difference is? I keep a journal, I write it all down when he says it for future reference. He doesn’t read my blog, I am safe.
Hugs right back at ya, hope all is well
Val
this is feckin’ hilarious. and who in the hell can resist milanos. i too must go on this diet you both speak of and oooooohhhhhh, how i dread it. i like food and booze and writing, but if i indulge them all – i’ll become just a head and two ass cheeks and that ain’t right to do to my skinny wifesy. much love, vals, much love. sm
I wonder, does wifesy say the loving thing? I like your ass big? How do you combat these off-sides compliments? The stupid shit my husband says, got to love him though he is often clueless and lovely.
For Christmas my DB bought me a Siamese kitten and for Valentines Day he bought me flowers that could kill little kitty. Sheez!!!!
Sabotage? Maybe he is jealous of the poor kitty
No, just a man
I know what you mean. I love myself some truffles, but gave my hubby strict orders not to buy me any. The usual coffee at 4:30 a.m is some awesome love!
In our house whoever is first out of bed makes coffee, that is the hard and fast rule never to be broken. Last out makes the bed.
I might have to steal those.
I am still looking for the chocolatier here in Dallas that makes them, when I find her (yes it is a her) I will let you know. Perhaps I will buy a dozen and run a contest!
Sounds good.
Val. I’ve never seen anything so delicious as that shoe stuffed with chocolates in a long, long time. I’ve got to tell you, my diet would have to go to hell for those yummy bits. The tulips were nice but those chocolates were the bomb.
Those are nice, not what I got but love them also.
I think it’s a sweet gesture … your dearly beloved is a true keeper!
You made me smile 
This is the entire point of “Shit my Husband Says”, to make people smile. Though at times he makes me scratch my head, he can be sweet.
Hi, Valentine! Well, I got a big kick out of this for sure, and this after I raided my daughter’s bag of candy we keep in the pantry that begins accumulating during Halloween and doesn’t stop until after Easter, LOL! And, I just have to end with “Men! Ugh!”
(But, I can do this for sure being a SWM, LOL.) Lots of hugs! XOXO-Kasey
Chocolate, it is my weakness. I especially love dark chocolate, the kind that just sort sits on your tongue and melts. This series will be fun to write I think, it is just those simple slices of the day. You know those weird ones that make you go, huh?
Yes, it will be fun, and fun to read!
Nice sense of humour but then, life gets dull if you lose it. Congrats on a ‘happy’ Hallmark Day.
I suspect Tess, sarcasm is what keeps us both sane. My sarcasm and his obliviousness.
My dad loves to say he needs to lose weight and will start eating healthier… tomorrow!! hehe
My step-mom use to put my dad on diets, he had no say in the matter. She loved him enough to tolerate his whine.
Val,
I hope I am not repeating myself but, I’ve “hit” you for a blogging “Tag you must answer all my questions” game (http://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2013/02/17/beats-the-alternative/). You may answer or not, play or not. I won’t judge you.
Elyse
I don’t mind, I might even do it but wow. Just wow.
Enjoy! I’ll look forward to your answers if you go for it.
Val,
I’ve “hit” you for a blogging “Tag you must answer all my questions” game (http://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2013/02/17/beats-the-alternative/). You may answer or not, play or not. I won’t judge you.
Elyse
You and Carl Agnostino are the ones who have me laughing the most, when I get about on the blog. Love this Valentine. I just love your domestics!! (and how I relate to your perspectives on diet!)
Chocolate, the test of will I lose time and again. Someday someone will tell me chocolate is a diet food and I will eat it for every meal!
I am glad you enjoy these small snippets of life. I enjoy capturing them
My dieting always starts on the same day
lol
as your hubby, and that is tomorrow
I hope that you had a very nice Valentine’s
xxxx)
Day and evening (that you haven’t already
told us all about here I mean
“I am going to eat them, I am going on a diet tomorrow***
Haaaaa, the story of my life.
Val, can I hear a big hallelujah for Big Asses?!! xx
you rock!
Well I can give you two Amens and a huge hallelujah, I don’t think mine is going anywhere soon.
My husband bought me two books for Valentines Day that I’d already read. It’s truly the thought that counts, right?
You are so right, it is the thought.
My husband is a food nazi and it drives me crazy. Putting all those cookies in a bowl, eating them all and then dieting sounds like a very human thing to do.
I actually stick to my diets when I cheat a little tiny bit. I feel way less deprived! So feel free, Val, to send that big ole box my way! Really, I have incredible willpower!
I have pretty good willpower also, so a big ole box of chocolates don’t really bother me at all. Dearly Beloved on the other hand, well he deprives himself then splurges.
How delicious, and how just like a man to sabotage your diet. lol. But anyway, hope you two had a wonderful Hallmark, ahem, Valentine’s Day. Yeah, that’s the ticket!
Yes, the entire ‘I like your ass big’ was one for the books (journal). I will remind him of this one now and then just for giggles.
I swear – you women are never satisfied! What if he had bought you a package of rice cakes and some fruit juice for Valentine’s Day, as part of your health commitment? You probably would have fumed at him for not getting you some chocolate, since it was Valentine’s Day! By the way, some men like their women with curves. If I want a toothpick, I’ll go to the cupboard. Hope you two still had a great Valentine’s, Val! It’s always the thought that counts.
Oh Alejandro, these are intended to be funny. This is not a complain, it is an observation of how we sometimes see the world very differently, even when we are married for very long times and presumably speak the same language.
I am altogether certain my dearly beloved could write very long diatribes of ‘The Stupid Shit my Wife Says’. He has the memory of the proverbial elephant, remembers things I said years ago, he doesn’t even have to write it down in a journal like I do.
This series is simply a slice of married life, the silly way we sometimes talk to each other.
Oh, I know you were joking! My parents do the same thing to each other.
loved this post Val, and smiling here.. Now I gave up chocolates just after Christmas..
I spent my day up to me elbows, well Wellington boots in Muck… But we had lots of laughs.. You could always make them spin out and eat One a day! !!
I love chocolate. I really do. I love chocolate with peanut butter. I love chocolate with coffee. I love chocolate better than any desert, any other sweet. There is nothing better than dark, minimally 75% coca chocolate.
Tulips and chocolate – how romantic! And you said you really didn’t care for Valentine’s Day. My husband knows I do not need chocolate!
It is somewhat sweet, I know. The whole Valentine’s Day thing is just the idea we need a day to force us to be romantic, to tell others we love them. This just bugs me.
My husband and I got into an argument the other day. I took offense to something he said and I told him so, since he always SAYS for me to tell him how I feel instead of stewing in silence. He stated, “I didn’t mean it that way. It’s NOT MY PROBLEM if you get your feelings hurt when I didn’t mean to hurt them.” Oh, really? Not your problem? We shall see, my good sir. He knew it was THE stupidest thing he had said to date as soon as he saw the look in my eyes…He had the good sense to immediately apologize. Men talk first, think later.
Now see that my friend would go into my Stupid Shit my Husband Says journal.
Truthfully, mine has said something similar. I have thought about what he meant, I figured out as stupid as it sounds, in part he is correct. I have known him for a very long time. My reactions really are mine.
True. I have learned to let stuff roll off my back A LOT. I don’t think we would have lasted almost 20 years otherwise. But he has also learned that stupid comments like that are best left unsaid.
Hallmark day really is a better name for it. In Mexico they go somewhat crazy over it: the guys that usually wash windows at the traffic lights now sell roses; you have to book a restaurant months in advance for a table, etc. Being from Holland it seems a little over the top and I think I’m gonna use your name in the future
It has been Hallmark day for me for years. Try growing up with a name like mine. Romance is supposed to come from our heart, when we feel it, all the time. I can imagine the over the top celebrations of Mexico would be a bit disconcerting for you.
I was pretty excited when I saw that image atop the post! This might only be the second post in the series, but I’m already hooked.
It is fun, he is pretty funny without intention. I keep a journal, he doesn’t realize he has an entire journal.
I’m sure he enoyed those cookies. Haven’t had one in months myself. Hope he enjoys those green leafy things. I hope he allows himself some guilty pleasure of helping you eat those chocolates. It’s real tough to go cold turkey.
Cold turkey is not in his nature, especially when that big beautiful box is right there by the coffee!
Personally, I love big wonderful salads. He didn’t ask me though.
I’M NOT ON A DIET, VALENTINE!!
Ah, there’s something bad about me – I enjoy reading about these moments in others’ lives. Loved this post, Valentine. Whether you meant to or not, you made me smile!
These are absolutely intended to make you smile, so i am glad. The peeks into the strange and every day should make us smile, shouldn’t they.
I wouldn’t mind being sabotaged like that. even if its just a day created by hallmark , I like the idea of a special day dedicated to love! enjoy your chocolates
My diet is fluid, I will enjoy my chocolates!
lol!!!! I have heard of a chocolate diet. It guarantees loss of negative thoughts. Lets try that
LMAO! Omigod, you’re killing me with this stupid shit my husband says series =P
That is what it is intended to do!
I rather think a chocolate stiletto might be a fabulous substitute for a glass slipper. Happy chocolate day.
There is a chocolatier here in Dallas who makes them. I am going to hunt her down. Maybe I will just stare, absorb the beauty of chocolate heels into my pores. Gad, what could be better. Really, high heels made of chocolate.
Haha! “I don’t know what that means” I suppose I’m lucky my husband also likes my ass big because I just polished off a rather giant reese’s peanut butter cup heart.
I suspect there are many of us fortunate to have husbands who like our big asses.
Haha. That’s like the time my husband and I went to Coldstone Creamery on his insistence. He told me to go ahead and order first, so I got a small French vanilla with a brownie, hot fudge, and caramel in a chocolate waffle bowl. Lots of cals there, no doubt, but we don’t go there very often. When I’m through, it’s his turn. He tells the gal behind the counter that he’ll just have a small lemon sorbet. A lemon sorbet?! He was the one who insisted we go there, and while I order 700 calories of fatty goodness, he orders 120 calories of low-fat sorbet? Needless to say, we still laugh about that to this day.
Enjoy your chocolates!
I am still trying to sort out whether he didn’t know what Sabotage was or if he simply hadn’t considered that was what he was doing.
Goat Food. Sometimes it is simply our cultural language barriers despite we both speak English.
I don’t think they really see it as sabotage. They love us so much, the thought doesn’t cross their minds. They just want to do something nice for us. At least that’s the spin I’m working with.
It is a good spin. I will buy it for now, until something proves us wrong. Not for many many many years I hope.
ROFL! Perhaps, you should hire a contractor to build him a goat house. IJS.
Happy Hallmark Day! xxx
In retrospect, it is simply silly isn’t it?
Happy Hallmark, back atcha! I am truly thinking it is time for our twisted cards!
And I know a writer who is itching to start!
LOL–needed that LOL. Love this.
The things that are said sometimes
If only he knew I keep a journal call ‘Stupid Shit my Husband Says’
Not tellin’ . . . ’cause I want it to continue! Thanks for the laughter.
Most welcome, glad to keep us all amused.
LOL!