Choosing Alone

fourwallsI am at a loss; how I am supposed to move through a life I hadn’t planned for and hadn’t intended on living.  I feel adrift and I do not like it, not a single bit.  In fact, I cannot find a single thing I like about this aloneness, not the lonely I expected the lonely and though it horrifies me, I expected it.  It isn’t that, not at all.

It is the aloneness.

It is also my fault.  Entirely and utterly my fault, I have no one to blame but me.  I knew it was happening, I screamed about it.  I fought it, but not hard enough.  This aloneness, this blank space in my life is me, it is all me, it is of my making; it is my agreement to terms and conditions which were unreasonable and hurtful.  I am now exactly where I didn’t want to be, isolated and alone.

I can’t blame him; all he did was demand I choose.  All he did was make me choose him over myself, my nature, my humanness.  All he did was force choices, him or the world, him or me.

Hell, he even made me hide.  Lie by omission simply to spread wings and touch the world beyond the world he wanted to live in, a world of only him and I.  A world so constricted it suffocated me.

Did you know I always chose him?  Even when he thought I chose otherwise I chose him.  My retreat from the world, from friends and even family was because he demanded a choice, because he didn’t need friends only “me”.  He didn’t understand though in making this demand of me, in demanding my isolation from the world he killed something essential inside of me, he was slowly destroying me.  The very thing he said he loved, my mind, my heart, my soul he was killing off each time he demanded a choice.

Now, because I couldn’t slice enough of me away to satisfy him, he is gone and I am left with this gapping aloneness.  Empty rooms, an empty bed, a silent phone; because he is gone but I made choices not to expand, not to reach out.

He has returned to the bosom of his large family who I am certain have welcomed him with open arms and hearts.

He has left me with this chasm of aloneness, of my making because I always chose him.

All I asked let me have something small something that was only me but even that was more than he could bear.  Let me write, let me have the virtual world at least there I can spread my mind and my wings, create a community that would not be a threat to his vision of ‘us’.

That was too much to ask, too big of a threat.  We fought even about this small piece of the world, this community; he could not let me peacefully have even this without comment or intimidation.

So now, here we are apart.  He is where he always said he would be if I made him unhappy.  I am where he always said I would be if I made him unhappy.

The difference, the problem?

He chose for both of us, all along he chose and now he is where he will never be alone and I am so very alone I am frightened.

Comments

  1. Dearest Val, I’m getting caught up on all of this and feel terrible that I didn’t read these posts sooner. My heart hurts for you, truly, because I know exactly how you feel and how awful the feeling is. It will wax and wane, of course. But, I will speak frankly, as I know you appreciate that about people, and that is to say, you are so much better off from what it sounds like to me. I, too, spent very little time as a single lady since the age of 15. I’m 40 now, and have been single for over 5 years and have learned so much about myself. Of course I’ve dated, as you know from my blogging history, but while dating I’ve maintained my aloneness, my single mom-ness, my ability to have and build a life that represents more of who I am-and I’m still exploring “me”. I want lasting love and romance and a relationship some day, but I won’t sacrifice myself for it-nobody should ever have to do that. I want to hug you and send you every positive affirmation possible. I’ll be following you all along the way, and you can count on me being in your corner here for sure! You are an amazing woman, a survivor, and a leader. You’ll get through this, and in this new year, I think you will come through sparkling and glittery all over! XOXOXOXOXO-Kasey

    • Thanks Kasey! Every single affirmation, every single time someone tells me I am okay it helps (even when I don’t quite believe them that minute). I am not there yet, I will get there but not yet. I will take positive actions, but they will be small steps for now. I will fall backwards, I know it. I am blessed with so many people rooting for me and so many people who will kick me in the azz (I need all of that).

      Sparling and glittery? Not without a great deal of help from MAC, but I know where to buy that ;)

      XXOO

      Val

  2. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    Painful indeed, Valentine. And he has large family to go to? That’s fortunate for him.

    I am glad to have read this as I wanted to know where you are at, how you are. I hope 2014 swiftly brings what his departure has made room for.

  3. I may be repeating what several people already said, but as long as you here, you’ll never be completely alone. The choice you were given is a choice that might be acceptable in the direst of circumstances – and I don’t know yours, but I don’t believe you were in one of those situations.
    I hope New Year bring you no more choices like the one you had to face, and that this year, and all future years, you find someone or something that won’t make you feel alone anymore – and will let you be yourself.

    • Ultimately X, the choice of alone was his he left. This, choice it hurts but it is one I will survive and ultimately I suspect will come through with wings of many colors.

      Thank you, for the new years wish and for the kind words. I am finding my community here is full of brilliance. It is a gift.

  4. May 2014 bring you the peace and contentment you deserve. You are never alone. I know it may feel that way but you have the ability to be everything you need to be for yourself. My heart goes out to you. Better days are coming. An exciting future is just around the corner.

  5. You’re never quite alone, Val, though I do get the aloneness part of it. No one should ever demand your withdrawal from all else that sustains you in some way. Mental wellness and healthy connections with others is essential for any and all relationships to thrive. It seems his expectations of you might have been far too much than you could grant, much more than humanly possible. Sounds like an insecurity and “gaping” hole, as you say, in him and not you, that you alone and/or alone with him, could never quite fill.

    Though I don’t know you personally, you hardly sound like the person who could be mentally healthy while being disconnected from others, community. Respectful boundaries and healthy balances, I can understand, but total withdrawal is an abusive imposition.

    Hoping you know that you are connected to a power far greater even in this seemingly aloneness. This won’t last always. Sending a prayer of light and companion of Spirit your way, Val.

    • I read this and find myself nodding my head, even as my eyes fill with tears. Right now I am so disconnected, so very much alone as I try to pull all the missing pieces of myself and my life into some coherent whole.

      I feel so blessed by all those who have reached out to me with such empathy and compassion. I am so grateful for the warmth, yet still my disconnection even from myself which has been so long it seems feels frightening.

      Thank you, thank you.

      • I do understand…. the whole disconnection from self thing. Though I am married, I find myself this way sometimes (Read “Love Unmasked”, right? :) ). Sometimes in relationship, lives and selves become fused in a way that leaves us searching for our core again. Think of this as re-discovery. The process is painful, but the unfolding is nothing short of empowering. Be patient and honest with you. There is no judge or jury. And remember, it ain’t about getting it right!

        Get still when you can. Switch up the environment. Allow nature and spirit to inspire and calm you. And you’re most welcome! I am wishing you a 2014 of Awakening! May it not only be happy, but liberating as well. :)

  6. Hey, Val – I forgot to mention one piece of advice I got in my 30s: “All you can do is the best you can do.” Which you have done. I always did the best I could do at that time and place and circumstance. So do we all. Peace, D

  7. Hi, Val – just wanted to say hi and see what’s up. Hang in there. D

  8. Alone? Dear, you seem to have forgotten about me. :-)

    Someone in another comment mentioned the WordPress friendships, and how, in some ways they are vital and real. Sure, it isn’t the same as having a lover to come home to, but, there’s a community here that, in its way, keeps you from being alone. I think that many of us who blog have a certain sense of aloneness — for me, my loneliness comes from not being able to get out much — having a 90 year old mom occupies my time in many ways, and limits my time in other ways. We don’t often get to go places, Julian and I … and, when we do, we have to take mom along. Having given up working, I have little contact with people other than my mom and Julian. My friends are all busy with their own lives, and, after asking us to join them, and being turned down (“I appreciate the offer, but, mom can’t be alone for that long”), people stop calling, stop asking.

    Blogging has given me an outlet of sorts … I’ve met some wonderful people (like you), who, I believe, if we knew each other in real life, would be great friends. Yes, you are alone. You gave up friends, and chose your husband over them, and now both friends and husband are gone. But, you’re not alone — based on all the comments here, you’ve got a few of us who, while we can’t offer physical hugs, or call and say “let’s go to a movie,” or “go eat”, we won’t let you be totally alone.

    Cyber hugs and an ear to listen are all I have to offer …

    Please take care of yourself, and you can always email me at noontimeone@gmail.com if you so desire …

    Love to you, my friend Val….

    • Your comment made me weep. Thank you, I am so grateful for you and so many others. You cannot I don’t think even begin to imagine.

      Someone pointed out, the title of this piece was more apt than I thought, I chose alone through my marriage.

      Thank you for the e-mail, I will likely use it soon. I am for that also grateful.

      Val

  9. I must tell you in no uncertain terms what my mother told me when my marriage went south. “Nobody’s dead, honey.” It made me think to myself, ‘Nobody sure ain’t.’ Which meant I had a chance to live better than I did when I was married. And I have. Though, I know this is a difficult time but your Source is greater than any man or the aloneness you feel. His loss. If being with him made you lose so much of yourself, you were alone even with him there. Now’s the time to put the pieces back together. You can do it.

    • Choosing alone, I know I chose it all along in staying. Now, now though it is harder as I try to look under the furniture for the pieces of me I hid.

      Your mother, she was so right! Sure is hard to face though. Thank you for sharing that piece of wisdom. Source, mine at least, is a bit low. Needs refilling, badly. I suspect it might take some time.

  10. You are not alone. I know it feels like it but you’re not. It will hurt, but you will survive and come out a better person. I know nothing I can say right now will change things, but just know we love you.

    • Thanks, truly I my heart is overwhelmed and I am truly grateful.

      I know, I will survive this. Stronger? Better? Yeah, I suspect that is all true….somewhere, over some rainbow, in some future. I just cannot see it right at this moment. But, I know and I am truly humbled and grateful for the trampoline I have been given to fall back on right now.

  11. You are not alone my sweet friend, and this WordPress that can be seen as virtual is much more than that, it opens a whole world of friendship, it is real and something that strengthens the bonds between all of us.

    The choices that were put upon you were not fair, no man or woman can demand such high prices on another, and we need to expand our lives, to create and to explore. This doesn’t change our feelings towards life away from our blogging family, he should have instinctively recognised your love as being only for him and you have done nothing wrong in wanting to continue with all of your friends.

    Aloneness is seclusion but that will never be so, not for you my dear friend. You are too precious but sadly he has lost out, his lack of conviction is his downfall and you will move forward, I know you won’t be thinking that right now but it is the truth and you deserve so much better than this, you are a lovely woman Val.

    Andro xxxx

  12. Val oh how I wish I could bring words to comfort your heart… One thing you must not do however is to blame yourself.. It takes two to tango as they say, and while two wrongs do not make a right… It’s often not until we stand back that we see how the things creep into relationships which slowly over time drive wedges to separate us from the same path..

    I could say so much here, but this is public domain.. I See also so much in your Boots upon your shoulder in defiance as you don on your toughened exterior, But you see, I see your heart… and I know its pain…

    Sending you my Blend of Healing over the airwaves Val, from my heart to your heart.. with so much love it hurts too..

    Love and Blessings as my thoughts are with your this Christmas time… Big Hugs
    Always Sue xox

  13. I love you Val this story made me cry. I dont know what to say but i am so sad for you today and i hope you have a good Christmas somehow.

  14. Dear Val, feeling your pain, accepting your pain in the hardest thing in the world, and it’s the only way through this stage of your new life. Most people run away, deaden it, hide from it, try to avoid it. But you are meeting it head on, and this is the only way not to ever have to experience this again. It;’s also so brave and so right.
    And while you do this great work, be kind to yourself, take small steps at a time, and don’t undermine yourself with any I shoulds, oughts, mustn’t etc.
    And as my ten year old grandson once said to me : “grannie, everything passes.’
    I shall be thinking of you tomorrow, and sending you great gusts of warmth and support and love. valerie

    • Dear Valerie – I have no choice, in this also I choose. I must walk into the pain and then walk through it or I will never have a life I can call my own. I might, as he said once to me, live the rest of my life alone, but I do not have to live the rest of it miserable and afraid. I might be miserable, unhappy, hurt and afraid today but surely this isn’t it, this isn’t everything. There is more. Hell, I have walked through fire.

      Thank you so much, for your warmth and support. I am so grateful.

      Val

      • Dear Val, I’m just about to take the turkey from the oven and get my grandsons to take it over to their veranda overlooking the sea.
        This time last year I was alone in bed in my third week of flu, and when I got up the next day I fell and broke my left arm and some bones in my right foot. I thought life couldn’t get much worse !
        This year everything is different… I know that’s how its going to be for you.
        Just to let you know that you’re not alone. that the other side of the world I’m thinking of you. Love Valerie

  15. My dear Val —-

    Luv, peace and healing,
    Eric

  16. Hi Valentine! I can totally see that you think this season sucks and in truth it does when you’re by yourself. I remember those Xmasses and New Years without a significant other. But… Thankfully these days fly by in the end, and you have all next year to reconnect to the world. Prepare to go out there and find someone to help you work through this. Being a victim of abuse is one thing, getting over it is a whole new chapter. Find a group of like-minded people to talk to, a professional to talk to or whatever it is that will work for you. The world IS your oyster girl, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now! Hang in there and by next week ‘the season’ will be over! Good luck.

    • Honestly? Yes, it hurts but I think it doesn’t hurt any more than any other time, it just hurts. The world will have to wait for now, I need first to reconnect to myself. I am so grateful I have people here who are giving me support, for now at least in the short term it helps.

  17. We human beings were created to be social and given the power of choice. The removal of either or both is to impact on our humanity in the way you describe so powerfully. I’ve seen people go through what you describe and come out stronger, and some it destroys completely. I hope you are one of the former and will come out strong and find companionship that is satisfying again. A word of caution as you move forward, none of us are perfect so don’t look for perfection in the choice of your soul mate, and choose those who respect the right of freedom in their partner in return. Compromise in a relationship is vital to its survival and compromise is a two way street.

    • Oh Ian, I am not destroyed, not now and not in the future. Hurt, certainly but this I think is normal. I fought so hard to make this right. I wanted so much for ‘us’ to work, in the end there simply wasn’t enough compromise in the world for that to happen. I have never looked for perfection, I all to aware of how imperfect I am to seek what I can never achieve in others would be rather hypocritical, wouldn’t it. I think for now, I just need to live in the hurt and figure out how to become more authentically me.

  18. It gets better. It has to.

    Think about it this way: you didn’t chase after him. You are facing your fear of being alone, and you will come out of this better and stronger.

    • I know, I know it gets better. It has been better before. It was once better even within our marriage. I wish I could run after him, the him I married. I suspect he wishes the same. I suspect we both think the other changed.

      I don’t know about better and stonger, I hope so but honestly I wish it weren’t true.

      • If it helps, I’m in the same position after nearly 18 years. He’s fallen in love with someone else, and he and the kids are so very happy together.

        When I say it gets better, I mean it HAS to get better. It just can’t hurt this much forever, can it?!

        • No, it can’t. No, it doesn’t. No, it won’t.

          I am so sorry A.J. My heart is breaking for you. I wish I could give you a hug, not one of those stupid little hugs that mean nothing but a full on full body hug.

          My wife-in-law, the mother of my sons is going through this also, after 30 years. What is wrong with these men?

  19. Hang in there, D

  20. Val, You know I’ve been where you are. When my ex left me, we had just moved to a new place, a new state and I knew no one. All my family was thousands of miles away. Baby steps. That’s all it takes, and time, too. Time really does heal. You will survive this. You will get stronger. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You will emerge renewed, refreshed and eventually, happier. Mourn the loss, but find ways to heal. Baby steps. And no matter what you think, you are not alone. Don’t let his baggage continue to weigh you down.

    • Are you sure it isn’t a train?

      I know time is what I need right now. I do know it. I also know I will survive this, it is wanting the time to pass more quickly and convincing myself I want the future that survival will bring. Right now? I just have to get through it and well I guess I am taking you all on that journey with me.

      Damn I wish I didn’t have to swim in this mud.

  21. I’m so sorry this has happened to you, Val. Coercion is not healthy love. It wedges you between a rock and a hard place.I hope you may not suffer long. Be well and look after yourself.

  22. Dear, Val.
    YOU. Are. NOT. Alone.

    I Love you.

    Xxx

    Kim

    • Dear Kim – thank you. I know, but right now, right this minute, today I feel very much alone. I think I will have to walk this path with these feelings for a little while.

      I love you too.

      Val

  23. Val,
    You will have better days. You will. You will. You will. It hurts like hell in this moment. This moment will pass. This pain will subside. You will rise and flourish and dance and embrace those better days. You will.

    • Honie, I suspect that is true. I know it is true. I have to learn social skills outside of the virtual world all over again, I have been so inside of myself and isolated from the outside world. I don’t know where to start, I don’t know how to begin outside of this virtual world I have built for myself. Isn’t that odd?

      • It isn’t odd. It’s real. As real as it gets. Real human interaction requires a level of trust. Not so much a trust of others, but of ourselves. We have to trust that we won’t fall apart at the first disappointment. It’s a fact, people will disappoint us. Every effort we make to connect with others in a meaningful way we are just asking to be disappointed. That’s the risk we take. To mitigate that risk some people think they have to match the world’s expectations, be someone other than their authentic self. Oh, this is turning into a blog post.

        Work up to it. Take as much time as you need. Sit with the emotions until they begin to burn. When it seems like an inferno, then you’ll be ready. Ready for something better.
        All the best to you, Val. Now and always.

  24. I wonder, did you feel lonely even when you were with him? He should never have tried to stifle your spirit. No one can stop you now. You can be your authentic self. ((Hugs))…you are not alone, Val.

    • Yes, all to often. The problem was always loving him, the person I married not the person he was becoming. We fought against our natures I think. We fought each other in these last years because our natures scared the hell out of each other. I don’t know why, I hadn’t really changed except in response to his changes.

      I wish I understood what happened. I suppose I will explore it in the coming months as I feel the need.

  25. I’d written a long comment but apparently it was eaten by the interwebz gods.

    Please accept this virtual hug from a virtual friend. I have come to admire you greatly as I’ve read your postings. You are an amazing woman who will rise above this situation. I was just thinking this morning about the restrictions placed on me in past relationships. They an be small or big. They still force changes to the person they said they loved. Why do we try to change the person we love and then not love the new person we created?

    You are an amazing person and this is a pothole in the tapestry of your life. This pothole will not swallow you or your tapestry.

    Hugs to you, the full body type hug, not a wimpy air hug.
    Sue

    • The pothole is pretty deep Sue. Rising above this hurt, yes I am sure it will come eventually. The journey won’t be easy or without other potholes I suspect. Right now, right this minute and for many other minutes I suspect it is going to hurt like hell. This is my outlet, my self-therapy.

      I am grateful for you reading and commenting. It helps. So do the full body hugs.

  26. I don’t agree it’s your fault. Anytime someone tries to force another to choose them and only them, the question is wrong–deeply, terrifyingly, fatally wrong. I am so sad he has left you with a temporary emptiness, but I believe that in the months ahead, his absence will create the opportunity for the real presence of something worth having enduringly.

    I don’t meant this in an “everything happens for a reason” kind of way. I mean this because you are a beautiful, brilliant soul, and you have shed a weight that will–in time, with chance to reflect and heal–enable you to soar higher than you could have with weights clipped to your wings.

    I love you.

    • I know, I do. But right now? Right this minute? It feels so terribly, so horrifyingly empty and so bleak. I have known the choices he was demanding were terrible and wrong. I have been trying so hard to make him see. Sometimes I thought, maybe he would then it would all go back again. I knew, I did. I just didn’t want to see and didn’t want to accept this is where it would end and how much it would hurt. I thought I was stronger, better; maybe more prepared.

      I love you too.

  27. Although you hurt from a deep scar, you written this well, so why i Liked. But yes … none of your readers like hearing you go through this … heck, we don’t want this to happen to anyone. But I’m going to look at the bright side. Time is the ultimate healer as long as one gives it a chance … which is important for you to remember. But, writing will also serve as part of your self-therapy, which is a good thing … just give yourself enough time. Problem is, one doesn’t know how much will be necessary. Be strong!

    • Writing Frank, writing and this wonderful and giving community that I ultimately refused to give away is what I have. Though I still feel this horrible chasm, this dark hole where friends, family and love was supposed to be; I still held this and I am grateful.

      I have no choice, none at all but to try to stand up, be strong. I wish I had some other choice, isn’t that strange? I wish I had the choice of weakness. I wish there was someone that would allow me to be weak. There isn’t, there never has been. So strong I guess is what I have to be. Time doesn’t feel very friendly, but time it seems is what I have.

      Thank you Frank.

  28. I dont wish to click like because I wish I was there for you through this :( I’m so sorry Valentine that you have to go through this..warm hugs Valentine!

    • I don’t wish to write these, but I suspect there are more where this comes from. I think it is important, does that make sense? It is important to go through, it is important to record it.

      It is okay to like it, funny I understand liking something that is painful. It is simply an acknowledging you have been here. Right now, sometimes that is all I am able to do. I am not feeling very witty or forthcoming even. Not able to do more than ‘like’ in some cases.

      Thank you my friend. Hugs back

      • Makes complete sense, We all must remember the things that hurt us and we’ve felt over time. It’s what makes us who we are and we learn from it right?

  29. I don’t “like” that you’re going through this, Valentine, only that you have the guts and heart to share it. I was once with a man who I thought could hang the sun and moon for me and visa versa. Had I stayed, it would have ended in disaster, but the leaving part wasn’t much less so. Your ex sounds a lot like him, and that’s not a good thing. Anyone who would clip your wings so severely doesn’t deserve your valuable time. I agree with Elyse. The now is terrible, but the future is full of choice. xoxo

    • I don’t like it either Stacie. Funny how we choose these things, isn’t it? Guts? Hmmm, I think this community is all I have right now, it is my rock. It is where I will rebuild from.

      So some days, some days they will be like this. Screaming ugly and hurt. Other days, gad I hope like hell they will be better. I hope like hell they won’t all be like this, not even in the short term. I don’t think I have the stamina.

      Thanks for not liking this, I am trying to catch up in my virtual community. Trying to find the bright spots and trying to ‘like’ them even when I don’t comment.

      XX

  30. Reblogged this on Lost in The World Map.

  31. I wish I could hug you now, Val. It is so wrong for him to have asked, demanded, expected. It is abuse in my mind. And while it will hurt for a while — dreadfully — it won’t always.

    Love to you.

    • That Elyse, I think is part of the problem. Truly part of the problem. I wish someone could hug me right now. Could hug me when I need it. Could touch me. Could do any damned thing that I need. I am so isolated though and it is entirely my fault, it was entirely my choice to allow it. Even when I said to him, this is a form of abuse, this isolation. Even when I knew it I still allowed it because I loved him and because I thought there was a problem he could and would fix. A subject for a different day. I hate this season, now I think I always will.

      Love back

      • Sounds like sleeping with the enemy to me. Thank goodness he let you escape into the blogsphere. You know sometimes you have to go through this “peeling off the baggage ” process to get you to the place you need to be. it won’t come to you until you have. So on the bright side you are nearly there. Trust me. You have to shut the damn door (lock it if need be) before you can open a new one. Someone is waiting for you.

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