There are days, weeks even when your heart, mind and body feel in tune with the world around you. You start every morning energized, even before that first cup of coffee you nearly dance from bed to coffee pot. Then there are other times when you can barely drag yourself from the warmth of your cocoon, when daylight only proclaims the beginning of yet another eighteen hours of purgatory. Last week was one of those weeks for me, oh Hell let’s be honest the past several weeks have been a collection of One Of Those Days.
Despite what some of you might think based on some of what I reveal on these pages, I am truly a happy person most of the time. I work on being happy, I work at being peaceful and grateful. Sure, sometimes I am cranky and there are hours within the day when people, most especially stupid people get on my very last good nerve. Honestly though, mostly I am happy, mostly I am accepting of life, more to the point I am thankful for it and I am at peace with my past. I guess, like most people I have my personal neurosis, my weird quirks; some of which are certainly tied to my history and some of which certain impact my current world.
Nevertheless, these last couple of weeks have been a collection of ONE OF THOSE DAYS.
I have written recently about my marriage and how we are struggling with some of the long-standing imbalances between us. This hasn’t ended, we continue to struggle but the fight has shifted from leaving the marriage to how we remain in it. I do not know what this means, honestly. Perhaps it means we redefine what it is we want out of marriage, one more time. Maybe it means we draw a different map for our hearts. We have always been unconventional in our pairing, our conflicts though have never been about love. Truthfully, I don’t know where this ends or how, the battle lines continue to shift each hill taken not so much a victory as simply an exhausting endeavor, for both of us.
Then there is this season, April brings the first Victim Impact groups of the year. I always feel as if I must gird my heart and loins before walking into the lion’s den, this year finds me with another shift in attitude. Perhaps it is that we have seen so many mass killings this past year, so many deaths with the culmination of Sandy Hook in December. Society has always played a part in how I view what happened to me, how I view offenders, how I view accountability and why ultimately I am willing to talk to them about their role in making it right. I have agreed to five Victim Impact groups this season, three adult and two juvenile. There will likely be more but those are the ones I have agreed to so far. I finished the first juvenile last week and haven’t had the heart to write about what I saw and heard.
Speaking of society, what the hell is wrong with people? I have to ask this question in all seriousness, without snark or sarcasm, really what in the hell is wrong with people today. How can people, elected officials or otherwise ignore the obvious in favor of their personal worldview and say or do such ugly things, simply talk out of their ass. I know, I have a personal dog in the fight of a few things and Sane Gun Laws is certainly one of those things, but I also think a touch of humanity is an important ingredient if you are going to serve the public, shouldn’t you have a heart? I suspect those who have served to long in that cesspool called our capital have had their heart ripped out and stored in a mason jar somewhere, surely many of them no longer demonstrate any sense of connectivity to the rest of humanity. Witness the asinine statement made by one of the fourteen asshats who were intent on filibustering debate of Gun Control legislation. While I find the lack of action on this and many other critical issues exhausting I must say, James Inhofe takes the cake this week.
Finally, last Monday I lost my last big four footed friend, I have found my home to be lonely without her. She was sort of dopey, but her age had caught up with her finally and this past six months were hard on her. My sweet Scarlet couldn’t climb the stairs to sit in my office with me anymore, I carried her up and down each morning so we could hang out before I left for the day. She had dropped nearly half her body weight and the vet didn’t know why, except to say her muscles were also being affected and her legs couldn’t support her anymore. Scarlet was half Shepard and half Rottweiler, she was awesome though sometimes not as smart as I might wish she had a sweet temperament and that funny Rottweiler smile. In her last couple of weeks, her friends Cleo and Beau my two cats cuddled her every day purring and sometimes head butting her. Last Monday, when she fell from my back porch and couldn’t get up I knew it was time, I could not continue to keep her with me simply because I didn’t want to face the alternative. I am so grateful to the Veterinary Clinic I use, they are kind and have a wonderful restful space to let go of pets, not a sterile space but a room with carpet, candles and soft music. This is where I held Scarlet until she was gone.
So, the last couple of weeks, well as I said a collection of ONE OF THOSE DAYS.
There is more, but that is enough isn’t it? I could go on and on about the stupid people that seem to roll into my life in waves, they annoy me.
Honestly though, I think part of the problem is spring is late this year. There isn’t enough sunlight and warmth to brighten the day.
How are you holding up?