Pragmatic Romance

Romantic love….romance….passion….amore

Perchance it is all a matter of perspective, our worldview itself that causes us to land on specific definitions of what constitutes romance or romantic love. Certainly, how we enter into and sustain our relationships is in part determined by our own history with love and romance. What we observed as children framed some of our definitions of passion and romance as well.

We are constantly bombarded through media both large and small, fiction and pseudo non-fiction with representations of romantic love, or in some cases the demise of love. Grand gestures fill our grocery store checkout lines, our news coverage; we can’t avoid the latest exploits of whatever celebrity misfits have cheated on one soul mate with their new soul mate, are pregnant with someone not their mate, or have married for hours rather than years. It is impossible to avoid the bling of big love.

This week got me thinking about the notion of romance and romantic love, the reality versus great expectations. What it really means to me, as a wife and a woman versus what society and even my husband might think it should mean. I wondered, have our ideas of romance really changed or is it my own expectations of what I want or need that are discordant with the rest of society.

Is romance really just about grand gestures?

The Free Dictionary says about romance:

1.a. A love affair.b. Ardent emotional attachment or involvement between people; love:c. A strong, sometimes short-lived attachment, fascination, or enthusiasm for something: .2. A mysterious or fascinating quality or appeal, as of something adventurous, heroic, or strangely beautiful

v.  ro·mancedro·manc·ingro·manc·es


1. To invent, write, or tell romances.

2. To think or behave in a romantic manner. Informal

1. To make love to; court or woo.

2. To have a love affair with.

Wikipedia Image

Some of my friends couldn’t define romance beyond hearts, flowers, champagne and candle light. I liken this to the Tango, wonderful to watch fascinating in fact but hard to dance every day for all of us ordinary folk entangled with life in Mundania. I accept this is a type of romance and real. This week I found it in a wonderful vision written by fellow blogger Raven. I call it a vision because her words are redolent and they allowed me to be swept away for a moment in time, to live vicariously through her.

I slowly brought myself back to Mundania, this is where I live most of the time. I will tell you now; I suspect I am not much of a romantic in the true sense of the word. My poor husband is far more a romantic than I am, in fact he more than once told me I ruined Valentine’s Day forever. My versions of romance is often twisted and rarely in alignment with social norms, or so I have been told.

Anyone can follow the social norm of candy and flowers once a year. If the best you can do is to remember once a year that you love me and that is romance, I am so not there. The question I would have to ask you, in all seriousness is this, “what if I remembered that I found you sexy enough for a between the sheets romp only once a year, would you stay?” Romantic love is simply, to me at least, the pleasure we take in the company of our partner, not once time per year but all the time.

For me, romance is knowing my partner listened to me, heard me with both ears and so knows intuitively what I need from him. That makes my heart beat faster, that is the very height of romantic love in my little world. The very thought that my partner considers my needs and places them before his wants; that is what does it for me that is what revs my engine. Even if my partner sometimes thinks my pragmatic views of what ‘turns me on” are the height of unromantic, he just needs to go with the flow don’t question it, don’t challenge it just accept that this is what jumps my starter motor.

Always remember intimacy is directly tied into how good I feel about my environment and you being in it. If both partners remember that small detail, now we have romance and we are dancing a synchronized Tango. If we can both remember, we are different in our ideas of romantic love, mine is tied to made beds and clean kitchens and this is what gets the romance bank to full. It isn’t that I want my partner to do all the housework, it is that I want my partner to share responsibilities for getting things done, recognize our shared contributions to maintaining a home is part of what matters to me and proves to me that I matter to him.

My partner doesn’t have to love what I love; he only has to love me enough to care about the things I care about. That is what romantic love is to me, that is what keeps the fires burning.


  1. I LIKE your notion of romance. I absolutely like the line “he only has to love me enough to care about the things I care about”. That about says it all. I really enjoyed this post.

    • That is something I said to my husband many years ago. It is also something I learned from a very dear friend, someone who taught me a great deal about what we should and should not accept from our partners. I credit her and her husband for my patience.

  2. Well, I do know you and know how perfectly normal your perception of romance truly is. Until we are comfortable within our own environment we are unwilling to be romanced.

    Think of it as an ugly pair of shoes. Not that “cute ugly” which will always be seasonably chic, but a muddy, holy work boot kind of ugly. When we put it on, it is wet, uncomfortable, loose and tight in the wrong places and in no way makes us feel attractive or appreciated. It carries with it an expectation of what we should do.

    In that, your pragmatic view is more functional than the “accepted” connotation.


  3. Sometimes I think romantic notions are sometimes heightened in their descriptors by stores that want to sell more candy and greeting cards. I think ‘romance’ is a personal definition that comes from personal experiences and as you say environment. I like the post.

    • This is why I have for years called Valentines Day, Hallmark Day. I believe we have sold a tarnished bill of goods, don’t know or understand romance or romantic gestures any longer. But then again, what do I know I think doing the dishes is romantic.

  4. For me, being loved is being “allowed” to be me, lol, and he supporting that decision because he likes me as me.

  5. Beautiful! And so true.


  6. Raven of Leyla says:

    First let me say, I am honored you were taken away by my ‘Winter Afternoon’ story. Thank you 😀
    I agree with you romance is defined different to each of us. I believe it is a moment that happens often spontaneously. Can be just a simple act of kind thoughfulness, a tender moment; although, not sexual.
    I love that last paragraph especially the line, “he only has to love me enough to care about the things I care about”. Perfection!!!

    • I will be taken away I think by Winter Afternoon a few more times. I read it at least 4 more times while writing this one. I am certain others were swept away as well.

      My images of romance were odd growing up, perhaps I will write about them someday. How I came to my own, I am not sure only that they are not the norm according to all who know me well.

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