Time and Again, What’s in it for us

Now y’all know I love politics. The push and pull of the election season is exciting, most of the time. But this year, damn, it just feels nasty, like someone has taken a bucket of slime and poured it over the entire United States. The stench of ugly is permeating everything and everywhere. It is gangrene on a national level.

Let me say this as nicely as possible before diving into the obvious horror story of the 2024 presidential election year.

I wish Joe Biden would have stuck to his original plan of being a one-term president. This isn’t about his age, though he is indeed old. Let’s all acknowledge he is 81 years old; if he wins in 2024, he will be 82 when he is sworn in and 86 when he finishes his second term. This isn’t ageism talking; this is pure reality; the Presidency is one of the most demanding jobs in the world; it requires mental agility and physical stamina. For his age, Joe is doing well; nevertheless, he is 42 years older than the average American citizen. Yes, I know his experience benefits all of us, which has been proven through this administration. However, with clear sight, his age is a detriment as much as a benefit. He will continue to age, and he will continue to slow down; this is not ageism; it is simply the reality of the human condition, and we need to acknowledge he, and we put this nation at risk by placing him back in office.

The Presidency ages everyone who has ever taken on the job, with one exception, 45; he didn’t age because he didn’t take the job seriously. The Presidency was simply another one of his cons, another way for him to add to his personal coffers both during and after his time in office. He didn’t age because he didn’t do the job the people elected him to do. The one thing we know about 45 is he is aging now; it is serious now, and the piper has come for his payment. His mental acuity is rapidly diminishing. He shows signs of being a person without a firm grasp of reality.

Let’s talk about the GOP, the Grand Old Party, the party of Law and Order, family values, small government, and all that jazz. Let’s talk about these men and women who sit in every seat of power across the land; and stir up controversy, pain, suffering, and dammit sedition. By God, how did we fall so far in such a short time? High School dropouts are walking the halls of Congress and calling themselves leaders. The highest court in the land rife with corruption and laughing as they strip millions of voting rights, body autonomy, and access to education without blinking an eye. The House is full of elected officials with only one agenda; to follow the leadership of a seditious lunatic who has publically stated he wants to see the economy fail and continued border disasters, all to ensure his election success.

We are living the new American Horror Story. A story where women are reduced back to chattel, and worse, all people who are not Heterosexual White Men (HWM) are reduced to “less than.” We are living a nightmare of raging culture wars where Mickey Mouse is an enemy of the people, Taylor Swift is a deep-state plant, and accurate history, along with any book written by or for people not (HWM), are banned from libraries across the nation.

We are living in a nightmare world where the leader of the once Grand Old Party, the party of Eisenhower and Lincoln, is a power-hungry, sexual deviant, with four (4) indictments encompassing ninety-one charges stemming from his criminal acts both while in office and after leaving office, and yet none of this seems to deter his followers one iota. His followers include both the unwashed, unschooled, and ignorant masses but also those who currently hold office in both the Senate and House and who continue to do his bidding. These sycophants who hold high office elected by the people, paid by the people to do the work of the people, and who continue to refuse to do a single thing but trail behind this lunatic would-be dictator, holding his drool cup and beg for the crumbs from his table.

What haven’t they done at the bidding of the outrageous conman who has thus far spent $50,000,000 of campaign funds on his personal legal fees?

  1. They have refused to secure the border between Mexico and the United States. Their most significant complaint is their constant whine, their biggest battle cry. But no, they say we can’t do this today because the Great Orange Jesus says no.
  2. They have refused aid to Ukraine, a nation that has fought hard to retain their own borders their own land, and preserve their democracy from the encroachment of Russia. With less than 5% of our massive defense budget, we can and must save them as we committed. But what does Mike Johnson say to this? NO, he has said with every vote he has cast prior to his elevation to the Speakership, just as the Orange Jesus has told him to do.
  3. They have refused aid to Israel. Now, personally, I am genuinely on the fence with this one; on the one side of that fence is my belief that Israel does not require our financial support, nor does it deserve our support based on their current actions. On the other side of that fence is our national commitment to come to their aid when they are attacked, and there is no mistake; October 7 was an attack by a terrorist organization. On the other hand, Benjamin Netanyahu is a Right Wing nutjob who should not be supported in his stated plan to entirely eliminate the Gaza Strip and West Bank. Frankly, I don’t believe he is any better than 45 and should be treated as a toxic leader along with all of his sycophants. This is not a condemnation of Israel but of him.

What have they done? Nothing that benefits the American People, not one single, solitary thing to now.

Ah, Election Season. We are in for a ride. Are you afraid yet? I sure in the hell am.

New

That isn’t what you think it is, that tensing of my muscles

When my eyes suddenly fly open in the middle of your kiss

No, that isn’t what you think it is, not at all

Don’t misunderstand, I love the feel of you near me

My knees dip when you lay your hands just so, yes, right there

You already found one of my spots, I like that you go back to it

Sometimes, in the middle of the day, I have salacious thoughts

Believe me when I tell you, mine are better than yours

The thing is, we are too new, too fresh, and I don’t want us to be too fast

You are the first, in a very long time, I might want more

My mind leads me down roads I did not think I belonged on

With you, I bite my tongue to prevent myself from asking

“What do you want, beyond this touch, this kiss, this..”

Afraid the answer will be, “Nothing more just this,”

And just this will be enough for now because I love the way you go back

You explore my spots; you are not afraid of my battle scars

You touch me, and, with a kiss, cause me to grow weak-kneed

I can sit in silence with you and don’t have to fill the air with noise

I can tell you my darkness, and know you won’t use it against me

So that tensing you feel as I grab that bar, that is my flight or fight kicking in

That is my drawbridge demanding to be raised

That is my moat trying to flood itself with monsters

That is me questioning just how the hell you got under my skin and into my heart

With a touch, a kiss, a smile, and comfortable silence

1/26/2024

Define Humanity

What do you think gives us our “humanity?” Do you think it is our ability to use tools? Or perhaps it is our mathematical comprehension and ability to use logic and solve complex problems. Some would tell you it is our social organization and ability to work together. While others are convinced, it is our spiritual curiosity. Finally, there are those who would tell you unequivocally that the basis of humanity is our self-awareness.

I would argue that we are simply searching for ways to set ourselves apart and make ourselves better or on a higher rung on the ladder than other creatures inhabiting Earth.

We think very highly of ourselves, don’t we?

We use tools, as do Chimpanzees and many other members of the ape family. We simply took it a step further. Why? Because we were unable to survive without protection and thus had to create habitable conditions to preserve ourselves. Of course, given our rather aggressive nature, we also rather rapidly created weapons to ensure we could kill not just our food but others that looked slightly different; thus, murder and mayhem very rapidly ensued.

Humans have been, it seems, murderous and ‘eat our own’ species from the very beginning.

So, this leads me back to what defines us, specifically what separates us from other animals and makes us ‘human.’

We organize ourselves into ‘tribes’ and give ourselves rules to create socially acceptable conditions for our tribes to grow and thrive. Usually, these rules are constructed around “Gods” and religions, which men conveniently translate into laws for the masses. There is always a hierarchy within these religions: men who know all the rules and gather all the wealth for themselves. Within the hierarchy, there is always an enemy: the non-believer, the unrighteous, the weak, and those the believer could justify making war upon and enslaving at will.

Before we could make war, before we could enslave, before we could commit any atrocity, including rape, or murder for the amusement of the masses though we had to dehumanize the ‘other.’ We had to be convinced our ‘enemy’ was less human than us. We had to name them less than us and diminish them. We had to strip them of the essence of their humanity to enable and validate our cruelties.

This cycle has been pursued by the tribes of man since we have walked upright. We have certainly refined our cruelties; we have sought out different victims over the eons of man. Would it surprise you to know the word Slave has Slavic origins? Over time, as those boys over there in Europe became less pagan, well, they took a dislike to the enslavement of their own, meaning White Christians, so they had to search further afield for free backbreaking labor.

Again, I must ask what causes us to believe we hold some special place on the evolutionary ladder.

The atrocities we commit upon our fellow human beings are beyond the pale. Murder, mayhem in the name of what? Religion, state security, power, racial purity, borders, political ideology; all of it is incredibly ignorant. Honestly, what it boils down to is fear. Are we not so far up the ladder from the animals we pretend to be ‘better than’? We measure ourselves on dominance, not compassion, not empathy, but pure dominance.

We are nothing more than hairless apes with better and far more destructive tools. I frankly fear where this ends. As so many throw out even the façade of being enlightened, following the teachings of a faith that proposes kindness and loving others. We descend into the madness of pure anarchy and a return to the days when none were safe; I fear for all of us.

So finally, I return to my original question. what is humanity?

Shadows and Resolutions

I have not made New Year resolutions in decades. They are a form of self-flagellation in which I find little purpose and much to be afraid. What possesses any of us to sit down at the end of each year and make a list of all our ‘failures’ and then make a list of all we will do ‘better’? Really, are we demented? Or maybe we are simply defeatists at heart.

I say this, especially to women: our lists are long and weighty. Our lists are driven by social media and all the faults we find with ourselves daily in the mirror, storefronts we walk by, and catalogs that don’t carry our size. For some reason, our lists always start there, in the feckin’ mirror:

  • Our hips are too wide;
  • Our asses are too big;
  • Our stomachs are too flabby;
  • Our tits fell another inch;
  • Our thighs touch instead of gap;
  • Our arms jiggle;
  • Our necks, oh shit, our necks aren’t smooth, and neither are our faces anymore.

Our friends don’t help; they have the latest diet locked down and don’t see any harm in telling us that if we would only buy their products, maybe we could lose weight and be beautiful again. The worst thing is, we think perhaps they are right, maybe we could. Or maybe they could STFU and remind themselves they are as imperfect as we are.

Then there is that shadow in the mirror that reminds us of all our failed relationships, friendships lost, marriages ruined, lovers in the wind, jobs vanished. It is impossible not to look. Impossible not to lift the covers and ask, what could I have done to change the outcome? The shadow of unbearable bullshit stares at you, and the blame game begins, the coulda, shoulda, woulda;

  • I could have said yes, even if it meant I was unheard;
  • I could have spoken up, even if it meant a fight;
  • I could have not held everything so close;
  • I should have listened more;
  • I should have fought for balance between us;
  • I should have told someone;
  • I wouldn’t have been less if I wasn’t so afraid;
  • I wouldn’t have been afraid if I didn’t see myself as unworthy.

You see? Self-flagellation.

Before you can write a resolution, you must look into that mirror and tell yourself what you want that is different from what you have today. Specifically, you have to own your own shit.

What do I want that is different than what I have? Honestly? I am entirely uncertain that I can affect what I want at this point in my life. I think the things I want, the things I believed would make me happy or contented in life, are no longer aligned with my personality dysfunction.

It took a lifetime to get to where I am, to this place of quirks, quiet, heartbreak, and strength. A lifetime of pain, fear, aloneness, and sometimes unremitting loneliness. It took a lifetime of giving everything I had to everyone else, only to be told it, and I was not enough. It took husbands and lovers leaving. It took parents turning their backs in my darkest hours. It took days of never hearing another human voice. It took friends forgetting me, it took siblings turning away.

All of these losses taught me the power of love.

That love was unending, that heartbreak and loss doesn’t stop you from loving those who hurt you. That love simply teaches you how much you can endure and how powerful silence can be. The other lesson is how hard even the softest heart can become if it is hurt often enough.

You see? Self-flagellation.

That mirror shows what is not within your reach. In the silence of my prayers I often ask for grace. I think, though, that I what I seek is something different than grace. It is more, that I don’t hate myself for all my mistakes, for the things I could have done differently, for the secrets I could have told and choose not to. I know that too frequently, I put myself in the way to be hurt as retribution for the wrong I believed I did. In retrospect, I didn’t deserve that, yet I did it anyway at great expense to an already savaged spirit.

So now, though I will not call it a resolution this year, I will spend some small part of the year stitching together some of my heart with stronger threads than I have used in the past. I won’t say it will make me a better person, more loving or kind. I won’t promise that this attempt to heal myself more fully will allow me to find and be loved by another person as I wish; honestly, I believe that ship sailed a decade ago. But perhaps by looking into those shadows without self-flagellation, I will find the pieces that still need healing and will be better able to live the life I have more fully.