Room For You


Dancing through time to you

With a deep sigh, breath entwines

Heartbeats, as if one slowed

A single beat, your hand over mine

I will make room for you

Whispered in the glow of daybreak

Before you awakened

Feeling your smile against my neck

My words felt not heard

Gifts of spirit in flight drawn back

Twirling across starlight

Colored by joyous song forgotten

Then evoked once more

Through fingertips and heartbeats

I remembered you

From dreams and wishes

Swelling delight, transcending fear

Dominating my night

Guiding my spirt back to you

Fresh awakenings in the dark before dawn

Reminders of my core, my need

Heart home once lost now found

My captured spirit risen

Joyful, all of me lifted up in arms

Strong enough to hold me or release

Knowing I will come back, to you

Without question or fear

My heart has made room for you



Gratitude in the Blues

Yesterday I read a post from Deb of The Monster in Your Closet, Sixty Things o’ Grateful. This post got me thinking, surely despite my rather long period of blues this year I have much to be grateful for. That my gratitude didn’t just belong in this year but truly extended. I determined I would play by the rules, if I couldn’t come up with at least fifty things to be grateful for, happy about in the allotted time I would sit back and meditate my reasoning, otherwise I would post.

What I found? I have much that I am truly grateful for, much I am consistently happy about, many small things that are a part of my life right now that are making me grow and become more me. Some things are simply a part of my world, I need to remind myself how much these things mean, how much they are of value and how very much they make me happy. Other things, well they are new and vital to my being. I recognize how much I need to tell people I love them, value them and appreciate their presence in my life. How important they are and how much they make my life better simply by being there. I don’t do this often enough.

To join us for this project: 1) Write your post and publish it (please copy and paste the instructions from this post, into yours) 2) Click on the Blue Frog at Tales From The Motherland. 3) That will take you to another window, where you can past the URL to your post. 4) Follow the prompts, and your post will be added to the Blog Party List. Please note: the InLinkz will expire on January 15, 2015. After that date, no blogs can be added.

Please note that only blog posts that include a list of 50 (or an attempt to write 50) things that made you feel Happy or 50 things that you are Grateful for, will be included. Please don’t add a link to a post that isn’t part of this exercise; I will remove it. Aside from that one caveat, there is no such thing as too much positivity. Share your happy thoughts, your gratitude; help us flood the blogosphere with both!

Without further ado, my list of fiftish things I am grateful for in 2015 and more. After I made the list and put it up I added pictures and in some cases an explanation.

  1. Finding love, repeatedly in odd and unexpected places, creating new friendships where I never expected.
  2. A contract that has kept me busy, paid the bills and where the client isn’t entirely crazy as is so often the case with my clients. I expect there is an element with contracting, we always see the worst.
  3. My sons, their wives and children. I am so fortunate to share their lives, things could have turned out so differently when their father and I divorced. But instead, my step-sons and their mother (wife-in-law) have remained a central part of my life.
  4. My latest sister and getting to know her. She appeared out of nowhere, another one of my biological father’s children. Born just after me, also put up for adoption but now we found each other and are getting to know each other, I am both grateful and happy. Makes me wonder how many more there are out there.
  5. Remaining mostly without pain all year.
  6. Letting myself enjoy my introversion without guilt, I think this is the first year since I was a teenager I have simply sunk in and allowed myself this freedom.
  7. Learning to say no without guilt.
  8. Traveling to my nieces wedding in Seattle.One Brother
  9. Seeing my brother more than once this year!
  10. Learning to sleep further in the middle of the bed, as if I own it. Three years of singledom and still I slept on ‘my side’ of the bed, finally I almost sleep in the middle.
  11. Getting rid of fat clothes as if I won’t grow back into them. It isn’t that I am dieting, it is simply I have been doing better about eating healthy and taking better care of myself.
  12. Letting my poetry be read again, without embarrassment.
  13. My friends, reconnecting.
  14. Sunrises on the lake.
  15. Rain, though usually I hate it all the lakes have refilled now.
  16. Gap insurance. Having had a bad car accident this year where my car was totaled, Gap Insurance saved me!
  17. Christmas gift bags, what a great solution. All the Christmas gifts would have been delivered unwrapped this year without Gift Bags, I simply ran out of time!
  18. Extended families and the oddities of hundreds. With somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty-three siblings, their families and now third generations; yes, it extends to over one hundred. It is hard but wonderful to watch all the oddballs, geniuses and lovers make their way through this world.
  19. Victim Impact and extending my participation this year to new avenues that have forced me to face my own demons even while allowing me to let them go.
  20. Only one seizure all year.
  21. My tattoo artist James!
  22. My wife-in-law and our friendship of thirty plus years. The mother of my sons has been a member of my tribe for longer than damned near anyone else, she is friend, family and partner in raising our Sons.
  23. Coming home every night from work. After more than twenty years on the road, this is one of the greatest blessing ever.
  24. Dinner with friends during the week.
  25. Fresh flowers on the dining room table. I buy them for myself and they make me happy every single day.
  26. Peace, I finally understand how critical peace in my home is.
  27. My blogging family who have sometimes kept me sane.
  28. Long drives with no destination at all.
  29. Quiet, true and simple quiet when I want it.
  30. Books, stacked to read without interruption.
  31. Growing my hair without anyone telling me they hate it.
  32. Made beds, clean sheets.
  33. Lavender bushes filling the air from early spring to late fall with rich scents.DSC_0152
  34. Kind strangers.
  35. Naps on Saturday because I can. Because I am not traveling Saturday is now a day of rest if I wish it.
  36. Taking myself on a date.
  37. Going on a real date with someone other than myself.
  38. Hugs, just that hugs.
  39. Long hot baths without interruptions.
  40. Criminal Minds marathons.
  41. Butterfly gardens.
  42. The dog warming my feet.
  43. The cats fighting for a place on my lap.
  44. New jeans in a smaller size and feeling good about it.
  45. Having my hair brushed by my grandson.
  46. Hearing ‘I Love You’ and knowing it is true.
  47. Removing drama from my world, even when it hurts.
  48. Becoming more me, finding my center.
  49. Laughter, the big huge from the heart kind of laughter that brings tears to your eyes and causes hiccups.
  50. Good deeds from the spirit, done from genuine love.
  51. Messes, because it is fine if things aren’t perfect all the time.
  52. Finishing a project, any project and knowing it is off my plate; permanently.
  53. Letting go of some of the old hurts.
  54. Sometimes, to clear the heart just a good cry is what is needed. I no longer try to hold back.
  55. Raising my arms above my head to brush my own hair! Years ago I couldn’t do this and I cut all my hair off. Now I can, I am growing it back.
  56. Letting my personal demons dance without interruption or fear.RayL
  57. Choosing life. I am grateful I no longer feel dead inside, just walking through the world with nothing to offer, nothing to give and no hope. I am hopeful.

Feminist Traps

Soapbox LogoSometimes we fight so hard for what we want we lose sight of what we need. This is true whether it is the individual us, the public us or the group us as a people or an identity. What does this mean? How does this affect us when we are trying to find our place in the world? I can’t speak for all, not for anyone but me in truth, but I can speak for myself, individually as the private, public and group me. As a woman, I can speak to that me. As a woman who has always held to feminist views on all issues but who is now wondering what this means, to be a feminist and to want my cake and to eat it too. What does that truly mean?

I suspect what I am about to say will cause some of my same gender some angst and maybe some anger. I suspect it will cause some to wonder what the hell is going on in my head, some may even want to burn my Feminist card and kick me out of the Woman Club, but bear with me. Women have been in a public fight for equality since 1848 that is more than a century; in fact that is one hundred sixty-eight years. Or in more easily understood terms, one hell of a long time. What have we really ‘won’ in all that time, what have we truly gained for ourselves?

1920 – 19th Amendment to the Constitution is signed and we are finally part of the national conversation, we can vote. What do we do with this privilege? Not very damned much, in truth most of us throw this away, we sit it out, we stay at home and hope someone will speak up for us and our interest.

From 1920 through 1978 there were two key issues on the table for women, how to earn a paycheck and how to own our reproductive processes. Seems to me these were inextricably linked, though most did not make connection. We saw a few key court rulings and pieces of legislation during these years.

Since 1978, well frankly it has been more of the same. More fair this and equality that, more bullshit added to the pile to make us be quiet and look the other way. You can’t beat us anymore without consequence and husbands can’t rape their wives any more either. But let’s face it in the grand scheme of things we really haven’t come all that far and we really haven’t done all that much to make this particular part of the world better for fifty percent of the population.

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Truthfully, as women we suck at taking power in our own hands and representing ourselves. We are fifty percent of the overall US population yet hold under twenty-five percent of the state and twenty percent of the federal legislative seats. These numbers are appalling, yet we wonder why we lose ground. I will tell you why, those advances were gifts. A group of Men gave us a gift, they didn’t mean for us to compete for seats at the table. What they intended was to allow us a little bit of freedom, too feel as if we were a bit more enfranchised so we would shut the hell up and start playing nice again. We were grateful and we thanked them instead of snatching victory by the balls and running with it.

There is something else that happened in the midst of all the clamor, we forgot we were women and we begin to allow others to redefine femininity on terms different and strange. We confused femininity and feminism, begin to believe we could not be both. As so frequently happens with movements we allowed the radical and outside voices to define our new ‘norm’. Now we don’t know who we are or what we are, frankly we are confused by our natural instincts and afraid to be women for fear we might be going against what we are told we should be.

I am absolutely a Feminist. I believe I should be paid the same money as my male counterparts. I believe every single woman has the right to control her reproductive life-cycle, this includes the right to legal and safe abortion. I believe in a woman’s right to access education, credit, housing and all the other needs of life without gender bias.

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I am a Feminist, but frankly I am a woman first. I love being a woman. I have always loved being a woman. I love having doors opened for me, dressing up in something soft and feminine, wearing high-heels and stockings for a night out with someone special. I like being a women, being a woman is part of my power and I have absolutely no fear in saying so. We are born with this power, men love looking at us because that is how we are designed. Why in the hell should we pretend it is otherwise?

I have a brain, in fact I have a really good brain and I expect the men who work with me and who date me to respect me for that brain. Nevertheless, I still have all the attributes of the female gender and I do not expect men to be emasculated, pretend they don’t know I am a woman. It is impossible for them to do so, hell most of us make it impossible for them to do so. This is at the center of the problem actually, most of us complain when men stare yet we make it impossible for them to do otherwise. Not all men are rapists, not all men are pigs either. What men are is the other half of the human equation. Without men we would quickly die out. We don’t have a rape culture, we have a sick culture brought about by our failure to recognize all these false definitions of masculinity and femininity send the wrong message. Women are one half of the human race, we are not gender neutral but instead specifically feminine and designed to be attractive to the other half.

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I am a woman. There are tens of thousands of us out here, we are I think being defined in terms we no longer understand and yet we refuse to stand up and call bullshit. We buy a package of goods that doesn’t feel right and yet we refuse to say it is wrong for fear we will be thrown out of the Woman’s Club. The Politically Correct definitions have gone so far now we are forced to accept lies and embrace them without raising voice of complaint. As an example, Caitlyn Jenner is not a woman so how in the hell are you going to award Woman of the Year twice to her? Are there not any accomplished women in the United States who are deserving of recognition and praise?

Yes, I will concede the ‘her’ to Caitlyn because I am polite and if she wishes to transition at the age of 66 from her born gender to female I am going to use her chosen gender. Nevertheless, Caitlyn is not a woman, she is in fact not even through her transition thus cannot even be legally called a woman. So why are any of us politely or otherwise accepting this insult?

On another note, why are we fighting so hard for the stupid? Why do you want your daughters in harm’s way, in combat positions?  We haven’t achieved parity in pay or secured our right to control our bodies, but we can now die in combat or worse be captured and only all the God’s know what will happen to a woman captured in battle.

I am a Feminist, but I am a woman first. I think it is time for all of us to think about what it means to be a woman. I frankly don’t want to be ‘man’ lite, but rather I want to be a woman able to stand on my own and with all the freedoms, rights and duties any of us are due. I want to work, contribute and provide within my competencies and capabilities as a woman, not in competition but in compliment.  Perhaps when we start seeing ourselves as one half of the population, start working from a position of power as women rather than begging for a seat at the table we will start to shift the focus and start standing up rather than simply complaining about the stupid shit.

Vote for Me, Education

Vote for MeWho honestly would want to be a politician? Who honestly would want to run for office and participate in the cesspool that is the legislative process today, whether at a Federal or State level. I ask this in all seriousness, who would wish this on their enemy, let alone their family, friend or self. What level of masochist do you have to be? Or is it something else, something far more sinister and ugly. Sure, there are a few good ones. A few that start out wanting to do the right thing, wanting to change the world or at least their small slice of the world. Some of these wonders amaze me, their bright and shiny faces all agog with zeal, with the need to do good; they rush out of university with their freshly inked sheepskin, searching for that dragon to slay. They hunt down their Senator or Congressperson, begging for the opportunity to prove their value, for free no less, just to get their foot in the door. If they are not disillusioned within the first ninety days, they are either corrupted or entirely in the dark.

Who would want this job? Who would want to serve this nation under these circumstances, who but the thoroughly corrupt, ego driven diehards, they fight tooth and nail for the job. Hell I suspect there is another reason for their pursuit of high office, beyond ego, certainly beyond the desire to do good. These pompous, blowhards, these cretins of horror, they want the opportunity to line their pockets while violently masturbating in their exuberant rampages across the world. Leaving behind nothing but death and destruction in their wake.

But let me stop. I did not intend to rip into those who are showing their asses in this run for the prize. Indeed no, instead I would like to talk about what all of us should be considering, those things that would indeed make a difference to this nation, to the next generation and ultimately perhaps to the world. Possible policies and programs that could not only be implemented but could be paid for without a significant pounding of those already struggling to keep body and soul together between paychecks. Isn’t it time we start considering realistic policies and changes to the ‘Wars’ we have been fighting for decades that have proven both fruitless and socially damaging. We are truthfully a nation with PSTD, we are a nation of the walking dead. Isn’t it time we change direction and start dragging ourselves out of the grave?

This is the beginning of a new series, Vote for Me. I intend to look at policies from both sides of the aisle and try to find reasonable options we can all live with. Policies that make sense. Policies that are fit for human beings, which are humane, compassionate and fit for a society that intends to continue. I am not going to call out the ugliness or stupidity of those who take a different stance than I intend to take, I am only going to take the stance I believe make sense and in some cases draw comparisons to where we are today or where the current crop of politicians are leading us.

Free education through University? Let’s be realistic, not every person is in need of a University education, not every person will thrive within a University atmosphere. Not every person wants to toxic_applebe a Lawyer, Doctor, Accountant, Scientist or Business Person. Honestly, we also still need Plumbers, Mechanics, Construction Workers, Crane Operators and a whole host of others to Labor. What we need is to start changing our views of who these people are, the value they bring to our society and our lives, the skills they need to do their jobs. Let us set out to change our education system, change how we teach and how we approach skills. Whatever happened to Shop in middle and High School? What happened to the idea that young people learned how to change a tire, how to change oil, hell how to rebuild an engine in a car if they were so inclined. The thought that we only value those who are able to sit on their asses all day versus those who make our day to day lives easier, well there is simply something wrong with our values. Do not misunderstand me, I went to college, loved it and value the opportunities I received by doing so. What I don’t understand is why there is now a drive to give every young person a college education for ‘free’. The following is my proposal.

  1. Early education starting at pre-K, cost should be needs based and must be available to every single child. This must include daycare to make certain every parent can work and has a safe place for their children. I would be happy to offer employers a tax break if they established daycare with pre-K education on their campus.
  2. Let’s wipe out teach to the test system and get back to real education solutions, shall we? Our students are failing on a worldwide scale, many must take remedial courses once they reach universities. It is shameful. No child left behind my happy ass, damned near every child is left behind these days. We have dumbed down entire generations. It is simple ya’ll, Reading, Writing, Science, Arithmetic; start there and once we have those down let’s move on History, Philosophy, Literature, Earth Sciences, Advanced Mathematics, Arts and host of other interesting subjects that fill young and curious minds with wonder. Let us not forget Life Skills!
  3. By the Ninth Grade let us test our students for Aptitude and start focusing them on where both their skills and interest might be best suited. Is it computers? The Arts? The Sciences? Is it yoUtensil-weidingerworking with their Hands? With all things Mechanical? Whatever it is, let’s not shame them but instead let’s work with them and the community to find opportunities for them to learn.
  4. By High School we should have partners in the community who work with our schools to help teach trades, who are ready with summer apprentice programs. I don’t know about you but I think our young people have lost their minds, so many of them think they are entitled to so much, it often amazes me.
  5. At graduation, no one goes straight to University or Trade School. No one, not rich or poor, don’t care if your family name is Bush or Logar, you are not heading off to the luxury of more school on someone else’s dime. Certainly not on societies dime. Every single person on reaching their majority will give to society two (2) years of their time before entering their next years of schooling. Whether this service is military, working in state sponsored homeless shelter, or something else as yet undetermined it doesn’t matter. Every person will give two years to social volunteerism before they get their education.

No more entitlement, no more free anything. We have to start somewhere, let’s start here. Want an advanced degree? Give more, offer more or partner with a company who sees your potential and is willing to invest in you for a commitment of several years of your future. Other countries do this very successfully, why shouldn’t we? We have to stop giving away our future. Yes, student debt is terrible, I don’t disagree. I will likely die before mine is paid off. I don’t regret my education, I surely do regret the cost though. There are two sides, I don’t disagree there are two sides. We must fix what is broken. We must find ways to educate our young, from pre-K on. We must fix our entire system. We must invest in education for every child, whether in Mississippi or New York, whether in suburbia or the inner city. We must take responsibility for outcomes and demand all our children be treated respectfully, given the opportunity to shine and become the best they can be. But at the same time, we must stop the silliness of entitlement and begin to teach accountability, responsibility along with compassion and empathy.

One example of industry, community and education partnering successfully. I love this school!

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