Get off the Funk Train

UntitledThere are times when it feels the world is working against you, this year has been like that for me and I couldn’t put my finger on it. Each time I tried the reason, the cause for my angst slipped away. It wasn’t that I was particularly sad, depressed or angry; no, that wasn’t it at all. It wasn’t that this has been a terrible year, not a terrible one for me personally anyway. Something though sat in the corner, like a shadow just beyond my vision, sapping my strength, my energy and my emotional reserves.

There have been many changes this year, many things I have brought on myself. Explorations of my own history some of which was difficult, soul scrubbing even, these were not the cause of my bother. Then there has been the very ugly political season, I found myself in battle royale’s with friends and family, more times than I might wish. While the campaign season was nasty and brought out the ugly in many of us, myself included at times, this wasn’t what sucked me down into this muddle either.

So, what is it that has me in a funk? I feel sometimes I am swimming in a morass of quicksand with nothing to grab on, nothing to pull myself out

Truly, this year has been troubling to me; the more I sought answers the more my head and heart seemed to slip out the back door and away from my inspection. The greater my introspection and the more I searched for cause, the more the shadow seemed to grow, surrounding my days and sucking my energy along with it. On the one hand, I was releasing my history and I was lighter for it, my soul and heart were expanding and I could feel those pieces of me flying off to the winds. Was this what was wrong? Did I need those pieces to be whole, to be completely me was I really only me when I held on to the pain of my history; surly this wasn’t the truth. I hadn’t told everything, I still had my secrets those parts that I hadn’t let out that I hadn’t shown, was this what was wrong? No, I didn’t think so, some stories can wait I think until we are ready to tell them, one I had told to two people without comment so it was in their keeping for now.

This year was difficult, despite some of the great things and great people I found along the way. My energy was sapped, I couldn’t finish projects and I let people down. All too frequently, I ran away from interaction, from telling people there was something wrong. Even knowing there were communities of true friends I could turn to, I hid simply stopped communicating rather than say, “There is something wrong”.QuestionMark

What was wrong with me this year?

Part of what is wrong is simply physical, I am in pain and it is draining my energy. I have allowed this to continue without dealing with it head on. I am tired. That is the truth. It has been twenty long years; it is not ever going to get better. I am tired. I am tired of always hurting. I am tired of living in an alternate universe where pain is the norm and I live on a scale of 5-10 rather than 0-5. I am tired of having to explain.

I am tired of what pain does to my body. I am tired of being fat because moving hurts and keeps me away from doing anything healthy for myself. I am tired of being too embarrassed to go to the gym. I am tired of hurting too much to walk. I am tired of all the numb spots on my body that get worse if I stand too long or walk too far. I am tired of having to explain this to perfectly healthy, body perfect people my dearly beloved included who doesn’t understand what it means to not live in pain every single day of their lives.

I am angry, yes, I am angry because in October of last year someone rear-ended me while I sat at a stop light. That act caused me more harm; progress I had made with my physical therapy was entirely undone. I ended up losing a contract and thus losing income. The other person’s insurance company treated me terribly in large part because I had a pre-existing condition. This still hasn’t been resolved, an attorney who is a member at the club dearly beloved works offered to take the case on contingency. Yes, there is a contract and thirteen months later, we are still waiting for him to do anything. In fact, despite multiple times of him telling me he is preparing an offer for the insurance company he has done nothing. This week I have sent him two e-mails asking why, he hasn’t responded to either.

What is wrong with me this year?wellmoney

I lost a third of my normal income through that accident, because I couldn’t travel for months. I am the primary breadwinner in our marriage, always have been. No one seems to be at all concerned, but me perhaps because finances are my purview just as earnings are my responsibility. As I look at the year, though I realized I failed to live up to my end, but it feels like it is a domino effect. If I weren’t already hurt that accident would have been nothing, I would have walked away.

If it weren’t for fearing repercussions against dearly beloved I would take action against this attorney who is doing nothing. I do though; I fear greatly DB will be harmed if I take action so I am bound by ribbons of love and my own failure to act.

What is wrong with me this year? Why am I in such a funk? Why can’t I seem to move through the bad and focus on what is wonderful and what is great?

I don’t know the answer to the above. I just know I have been trying without much success to take on small projects for months now. It isn’t there haven’t been wins; they just don’t seem to be enough to push the blues out of my way to wash the fog from my brain entirely. I know I need something to compel me, something to spin my wheels.

Don’t misunderstand; I am not always sad or unhappy. I am just in a funk this year. There have been changes and some of them have worked my nerve. Some of them I have to deal with, I have to do something about so they don’t work my nerve next year too.

So, that is some of why I am in a funk, some of what is shadowing me. I don’t know what I will do to fix it, but somehow I must over the next four weeks get proactive. My funk is affecting my marriage, my work and my friendships. I refuse to allow it to follow me to next year.

That being said, I leave you with this wonderful group of children.

Comments

  1. I know the feeling! Sometimes I feel like I’ve been cursed these past couple of years, ever since I got laid off. I think crap just happens to us, and we often feel we’re the only ones. There’s no easy way to get around it, except work through it.

  2. I’m so sorry for your pain and difficulties. I hope the new year brings relief from your pain and solutions to your problems. Chronic pain is hard to live with even without life’s other obstacles. I haven’t been able to blog much or keep up with my favorite bloggers for the last few months because of crap going on in my life that is bringing me down. Yours is one of the few I always check up on when I have time. You are helping others by sharing your own insights and experiences.

    I don’t know about you, but my life feels cluttered, my mind feels cluttered, and my house IS cluttered. I feel overwhelmed, tired, and at a loss as to how to deal with it all. I’m trying to prioritize, let go of the little things, and learn to deal with imperfection. Right now, my baseline mood is pissed off. I need to change that!

    • Believe me my friend, pissed off is part of my funk train. I think you and I can each throw some coal into that locomotive. But, little bit at a time I am simply going to clear it. I have to, I will not live this way. There is far to many other things, better things just waiting around the corner. I know this, despite the wretched pain being upped a notch or five right now. This too, yes even this will pass.

      Clutter be gone, we must both start saying this. Fixating on one thing at a time and finding something blissful, even if it is just one thing in each day.

  3. Sounds horrible, Val, especially the pain. I certainly know the pain of being overweight and wanting to get rid of it, but not having the determination, the strength, willpower, etc, to solve it. Ugh. I hope you find answers soon. Hope it brings you some consolation knowing that there are so many people here who care. They’ve left you some very nice, encouraging comments.

    • The pain comes with the bullets, nothing I can do about that one. That is never going anywhere. The weight came with that also, but I can get it to within manageable limits, I have before when the pain is manageable, this year it has been out of control. I am long past caring about wanting to be body perfect any longer, but body strong yeah I want that.

      You are right though, it helps to know there are so many who care, so many who have my back. Now I just need to have my bootstraps pulled!

  4. Well that was quite a year…
    There is I know nothing more draining than being in constant pain.. and my heart and healing thoughts go out to your there Val.. but this year I think Val that you opened a way to your buried emotions, Often we carry physical pain in our bodies which is connected to our emotional trauma’s. I found for me personally once I understood I had to let go of emotions, I also let go of much of my pain.. and I know too I still hang onto grief and disappointment which I know stems from my Mothers rejection… I have seen you open up and yes you have shed many tears…. But each one helps to cleanse us clean….

    Big Hugs to you Val…. Much Love…. a fellow rider who learnt how to get off at the right Station.. 🙂 but even now I sometimes miss a train! 🙂
    Sue xoxox

  5. Val, given the year you have had it is understandable that you are in a funk. That said, you are a fighter from what I can tell and I know you will continue the fight. Hopefully, this coming year will be much better for you. I can see that you have many readers who cherish you dearly. I am sending my warmest thoughts and best wishes to you along with the many others.

    • I despise allowing this all to get to me. I like to think I am somehow better than this, more than this. I suspect this is why I am in a funk, at least partly why because “this” all finally got to me.

      Thank you for your thoughts and good wishes. I am thinking I have to be proactive. I have to start something to fix this. I just have to take the first steps.

      • I know that it may not feel like it while you are in the midst of your funk, but your are better and more than what your feeling. Acknowledging how you are feeling is a first great step.

  6. Sending you hugs & love from MN.

    Keep believing. Keep writing. Keep telling your story. x

  7. Though you have had your trials this year, I also get a sense that you are a strong woman and I believe that you will eventually pull through. Health issues are hard and yes I’ve been in “funks” myself and found out that when I got healthier my perspective changed. It’s hard to do … actually it was hard for me to take that first step. I too hate going to the gym and the idea of driving there is a mental workout for me. I mean I’ll spend hours contemplating about driving to my club and I was a member for two years and went five times … I recently bought a (rebounder) a mini trampoline and found that it is a great workout. You don’t even have to jump high I mean I job there and it’s low impact and easy on the joints. Also I’ve started juicing. Green juice is very therapeutic and healing and fruit juices are great for the cells. Don’t get me wrong I still love to eat, but when I incorporated juicing into my regimen it did make a difference. I had an injury on my heel (a result of doing the down dog and planting my heels on the ground without warming up and I pulled that muscle) and it bothered me for a long time. When I juiced everyday … I believe that the nutrients of green juice helped heal that muscle. I don’t have the problem anymore and I am staying away from dairy. Anyway, here’s to a better 2013 for you … I KNOW IT WILL BE BETTER FOR YOU!!!!!! I’m so glad I found your blog 🙂

    • Strong? Well I suppose that is a word for it, one I have always hated though. I would hope next year is better but the fight with my doctors over surgery isn’t going to be fun, we will see. The gym is a strange thing, my limitations aren’t just ones I set for myself but actual very real limitations set by very real disability (5 fused discs with a bullet between t2 and 3) and disintegration of the fusions, bullet is starting to move. Add to that 3 blown discs in my lower back you have the makings of a real problem.

      Yeah, this year sucked. Next year has to get better but pain management has to be dealt with. I talked to my trainer yesterday between her and my neurologist I am thinking I will try something different, maybe acupuncture.

      Both my husband and I have talked about buying a juicer, perhaps that will be my Christmas gift to us. Good suggestion.

      • Oh yes … the juicer is the best thing to give yourself and it’s the gift that literally keeps on giving. There is a You Tube channel called “Life Regenerator” this guy juices like the dickens … and he does ramble on about health and such, but he does have great juicing recipes. I always use the base of “organic”: celery, cucumber and carrot with one fruit (orange or apple), then I add whatever I can get fresh such as; kale, spinach, parsley, cilantro and etc. 4-5 ingredients are best … I’ve done research on this and it really has been the best thing I’ve done. Beet is hard to take, but a good dose of fruit cuts the edge. Also when I can, I’ll add “fresh coconut water” it’s very hydrating and I do love the taste. If you don’t like coconut water, then orange juice is nice. Just try to drink the juice within 15-30 minutes to get the FULL NUTRITION. Good luck girl. 🙂

  8. When you are at your most vulnerable and a professional acquaintance offers to become your champion you believe them and its hard to acknowledge that they have let you down when you are a low point in your life and for a short time you lose your faith in people. However, we are nearing the end of this year and next year holds so much more promise of better times – hoping that this matter is resolved soon for you

    • Yes, what is even harder is juggling how to not do harm to spouse as you sort through how to extradite self from situation and hopefully fix problem at same time. Faith? In people? What?

      No, I don’t have a great deal of that. But we will see.

  9. OneHotMess says:

    Val, life is just freaking hard. I am so sorry for your pain. I have been in my own, “I am way too blessed to be in a funk” funk. It’s just as you have described. We’ll find our way out. This past year was a good one, but there were many hard, hard things I that I had to deal with, and still am… It wears a body out! Xoxoxo

    • That is just it exactly, I am way to blessed to be in this funk! But here I am and I feel myself pulling inside, pulling away and closing up more often than not. It is my normal action when I am blue, to pull away. I want to kick walls, kick doors, kick one of those boxing dummies! There have been hard things, I am okay with hard things I just wish I knew they were coming, where they were coming from and how to catch them. You know?

      My body simply isn’t good at this any more. It is worn to a nub. But this, yes even this will pass or I will kick it also!

      XX

  10. Mother suffered with post shingles pain about 3 decades. The pain relievers – she could not take re severe side effects. Sometimes all you can do is get stubborn and defiant and activate your survival genes .

    • I know, I don’t take pain killers either. In part because of the side effects but mostly because I want to live fully in the world. I know all about being stubborn Carl, sometimes it is just harder than others. This year seems to be kicking my everloving.

  11. May 2013 be a better year for you! And me too!

  12. You have a large mind and an even bigger heart. Sorry for your hurt. I hope you can find your way through the funk.

    • I think Bill that I don’t have a choice, I simply have to find my way through it as I refuse to live this way. It is not my way. Thank you for your kind words, they help.

  13. Chronic pain is very diffcult to live with. I wish you well in your journey to healing your body and your funk.

  14. Oh Val. It all sucks. And I know that some moron (in the real world, not the ‘sphere) is telling you all about your shoulders being big enough when they have no fucking clue.

    Sometimes it is OK to be in a funk, you know. Sometimes life just sucks and you need to readjust, admit that and then you can leave your funk behind. It sounds like this one has lasted long enough and are right to get out of it. It’s time. You can do that.

    About the lawyer — the contract you signed with him should be dependent upon him actually doing something. There must be a provision where you can get out of it and find someone who will do what needs to be done. If he doesn’t answer you, then go to his office. Be nice, be respectful. You don’t have to burn DB’s bridges. But let him know that you need an answer, and a judgment in the court for your pain, your suffering. And your previous injuries should have no impact on the current one — except for the fact that the negligence of the guy who hit you is magnified by the fact that he harmed you more because you started out injured. (What do they think you should have done? Should you have a bumper sticker that says “be careful not to rear-end this car — already injured driver on board”? Asinine.

    Action will get you out of your funk. Let me know if I can help.

    • I am trying, the respectful part Elyse. As I understand the rule, you take the victim as you find them and previous injury / pre-existing conditions cannot be considered. Your advice is timely, after the second e-mail this week with no response my plan was just as you described, to go to his office and try to talk to him face to face. Either we come to fair conclusion or he give me all the files so I can find someone who will finish the job he refuses to finish.

      As for the funk, I just have to work my way out. I don’t know what all the steps are but one by one I just have to figure it out.

  15. It pains me to “like” this post, mainly due to me want to take this all away. I feel where you are. How many times have we said it? I just want to put my arms around you.

    Then, I want to stand you up and give you stones to shoot at the dominoes. There are a few just around the bend which are great ones. ❤ You may not see it from being so close, but your tide is swirling up the funk from the bottom so it can bring in the cool fresh water.

    I love you. xxx

    • I need a few stones, but rather than shooting can I tie them to a few necks and sink a few into quicksand?

      Thanks sister, I know this too shall pass it just isn’t quick enough.

      Love right back at you.

  16. Not fair…and not OK. I’m sorry. Pain is the worse “regular” to live with…and “body perfect people don’t know what it is like to live in pain every day of their lives” – so true. How can you move forward when you can’t move? I’m sorry. And I”m sorry I can’t be closer to help. I would you know…drag you to the gym, clean you house, scream and useless lawyers and shady insurance companies. You have done SO MUCH to help me over the last year…I wish I could repay the favor. So – you know where to knock if you want someone…a phone call away and I can be put to work. Funks aren’t forever…and you are stronger than the pain.

    • Thanks my friend. I appreciate that you would, that actually makes me smile. To know there are those who would drop something to help makes it easier. I know, funks aren’t forever this one just seems longer than normal. I am not happy with this little shadow and want to kick it in the azz, be gone shadow be gone. Pain, well that is different it is forever for me. But I would prefer to tap it down back to the norm.

      • I would drop things for you…and I am crossing my fingers that there are ‘locals’ who are dropping things for you as I type…they are the lucky ones who get to experience your strength and inspiration face-to-face…and I’m sure they would do anything for you. Hang in there and be strong. I know whole lurking shadow over life thing well. Eventually the shadows fade…you taught me that lesson 🙂

      • How is the shadow?

        I”m in an azz kicking mood today. I’d like to kick it for you…;-)

        And then we could sit, share a cup of caffeinated something or other and talk. I feel like that would be an amazing way to spend my Friday evening.

  17. My dentist once remarked, “You have a low threshold for pain.” Thank God I have not had much in the way of pain except a broken collarbone 9 years ago; my dad, however, as the result of a car accident when I was preschool, lived in pain (now I think it would be diagnosed as fibromyalgia) all of his life. I saw the results of his pain, and am very very sorry you’re having to go through this now. I pray that lawyer begins to realize what he’s doing to you, and changes his ways.

    • I suspect this particular lawyer isn’t going to do a thing. I suspect I will have to take this bull by the horns and make a change.

      Pain sucks, it isn’t fun. But knowing it is part of the root cause, well this means I can do something. Thanks

  18. Pain is one thing – funk is another. Pain + funk is a synergistic combination … however, not 4 + 4, but 4 x 4! It’s easy to offer suggestions from afar, but for some reason, that seems so shallow to me. One thing for sure, I hope a positive domino falls in your direction that leads to the next positive domino – so be strong!

    • I suspect Frank I am going to have to force the domino’s to fall the way I want them to. The starting position is knowing why I am in a funk though. Knowing is half the battle!

  19. Tough to not be in a funk when one is in constant pain. I would imagine each pain trigger is a reminder of the past as well as the current limitations brought on by it (eg, not being able to exercise). I wish you well in climbing out of this funk, or at least suspending it for increasingly longer intervals.

    • I didn’t bring that up, the fact that all three of my real triggers (play on words) are now out in the real world. That is working one of my last nerves right now. The car accident last year really set me back, I had been making progress. Now, it is bad again. Now it is worse than it had been in several years. This attorney is working my last nerve as well, I think he will be a Red Hat just so I can vent. DB just left for the gym, I want that for me.

      Dammit, right now I just want something for me.

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