One of those Days

There are days, weeks even when your heart, mind and body feel in tune with the world around you. You start every morning energized, even before that first cup of coffee you nearly dance from bed to coffee pot. Then there are other times when you can barely drag yourself from the warmth of your cocoon, when daylight only proclaims the beginning of yet another  eighteen hours of purgatory. Last week was one of those weeks for me, oh Hell let’s be honest the past several weeks have been a collection of One Of Those Days.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERADespite what some of you might think based on some of what I reveal on these pages, I am truly a happy person most of the time. I work on being happy, I work at being peaceful and grateful. Sure, sometimes I am cranky and there are hours within the day when people, most especially stupid people get on my very last good nerve. Honestly though, mostly I am happy, mostly I am accepting of life, more to the point I am thankful for it and I am at peace with my past. I guess, like most people I have my personal neurosis, my weird quirks; some of which are certainly tied to my history and some of which certain impact my current world.

Nevertheless, these last couple of weeks have been a collection of ONE OF THOSE DAYS.

I have written recently about my marriage and how we are struggling with some of the long-standing imbalances between us. This hasn’t ended, we continue to struggle but the fight has shifted from leaving the marriage to how we remain in it. I do not know what this means, honestly. Perhaps it means we redefine what it is we want out of marriage, one more time. Maybe it means we draw a different map for our hearts. We have always been unconventional in our pairing, our conflicts though have never been about love. Truthfully, I don’t know where this ends or how, the battle lines continue to shift each hill taken not so much a victory as simply an exhausting endeavor, for both of us.

Then there is this season, April brings the first Victim Impact groups of the year. I always feel as if I must gird my heart and loins before walking into the lion’s den, this year finds me with another shift in attitude. Perhaps it is that we have seen so many mass killings this past year, so many deaths with the culmination of Sandy Hook in December. Society has always played a part in how I view what happened to me, how I view offenders, how I view accountability and why ultimately I am willing to talk to them about their role in making it right. I have agreed to five Victim Impact groups this season, three adult and two juvenile. There will likely be more but those are the ones I have agreed to so far. I finished the first juvenile last week and haven’t had the heart to write about what I saw and heard.

Speaking of society, what the hell is wrong with people? I have to ask this question in all seriousness, without snark or sarcasm, really what in the hell is wrong with people today. How can people, elected officials or otherwise jamesinhofeignore the obvious in favor of their personal worldview and say or do such ugly things, simply talk out of their ass. I know, I have a personal dog in the fight of a few things and Sane Gun Laws is certainly one of those things, but I also think a touch of humanity is an important ingredient if you are going to serve the public, shouldn’t you have a heart? I suspect those who have served to long in that cesspool called our capital have had their heart ripped out and stored in a mason jar somewhere, surely many of them no longer demonstrate any sense of connectivity to the rest of humanity. Witness the asinine statement made by one of the fourteen asshats who were intent on filibustering debate of Gun Control legislation. While I find the lack of action on this and many other critical issues exhausting I must say, James Inhofe takes the cake this week.

scarlett_ripFinally, last Monday I lost my last big four footed friend, I have found my home to be lonely without her. She was sort of dopey, but her age had caught up with her finally and this past six months were hard on her. My sweet Scarlet couldn’t climb the stairs to sit in my office with me anymore, I carried her up and down each morning so we could hang out before I left for the day. She had dropped nearly half her body weight and the vet didn’t know why, except to say her muscles were also being affected and her legs couldn’t support her anymore. Scarlet was half Shepard and half Rottweiler, she was awesome though sometimes not as smart as I might wish she had a sweet temperament and that funny Rottweiler smile. In her last couple of weeks, her friends Cleo and Beau my two cats cuddled her every day purring and sometimes head butting her. Last Monday, when she fell from my back porch and couldn’t get up I knew it was time, I could not continue to keep her with me simply because I didn’t want to face the alternative. I am so grateful to the Veterinary Clinic I use, they are kind and have a wonderful restful space to let go of pets, not a sterile space but a room with carpet, candles and soft music. This is where I held Scarlet until she was gone.

So, the last couple of weeks, well as I said a collection of ONE OF THOSE DAYS.

There is more, but that is enough isn’t it? I could go on and on about the stupid people that seem to roll into my life in waves, they annoy me.

Honestly though, I think part of the problem is spring is late this year. There isn’t enough sunlight and warmth to brighten the day.

How are you holding up?

Comments

  1. Oh, Val, it makes me want to weep reading all you’ve been through in recent weeks. I’m so out of the loop. Please forgive my not being around. Hugs to you, my friend. May you find strength and comfort!
    Hugs,
    Kathy

    • Kathy, it makes me smile just to see you here! I hope you are settling in and happy in your new home. I have missed you! You will never need my forgiveness, I happily just anticipate your return. Hugs returned, joyfully.

      I hope I will see more of you soon, that you will share your adventures and that I can live vicariously through you.

      Val

  2. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    Ah, Valentine, I’m sorry to hear it. I beg, beg NOT for a collection of One of Those Days. Please, no! I don’t know how you got through.

    I really like though that your fight has changed from leaving the marriage, to how to stay in it. Something huge has shifted there – that sounds good. And though I don’t know you, to imagine someone (if not many more, hopefully) who found another so special & suited in their life, has decided to work out how that can continue to be a good thing. I wish you the absolute best.

    Re losing your four legged friend – I am truly sorry as I can imagine, just imagine how they leave a space behind. I love my cat just sitting on the end of my bed right now – simply sitting there. Bless her. You just had me appreciate her more! 🙂

    • Thank you my friend. We will try to fight this fight together, how it works I don’t know but our battles as I said have never been about love or not loving only about finding the maps through our hearts. We are, neither of us wont to give in easily.

      I suspect we all have these times, these collections of days piled on where it just feels as if the world spins off its axis. Trying to walk through the world, tottering it feels on stilts not intended for us is part of being human I suppose. It will get better, I insist it must. 🙂

      Thanks, Scarlett is missed by me and her friends the cats. Our pets are family

  3. It is so refreshing to visit this site and find honesty rather than the platitudes you are likely to find on many sites today. I’m indebted to you for adding to my dictionary. I like the term asshats! So descriptive, and there’s so much opportunity to use that term in today’s world. I like your attachment to pets. It says something about a person if they have a love for their pets. This world has much animal cruelty doesn’t it, and it’s so senseless. Our scientists and other oddballs tell us we are evolving into a better human race. Apparently they travel around the world with blinkers on.

    • Our pets are a reflection of our humanity I think, I have always had them for as long as I can remember. I have always shared my home and heart with fur and feathers. I am down to my lovely two cats, both born in Singapore in 2000 and migrated back to the US with me and Merlin my obnoxious Cockatoo. I don’t think I will introduce another dog anytime soon, though I find myself still looking out the backdoor for Scarlett.

      You are so right, those oddballs whether scientists or otherwise must be wearing rather large blinders. I am certainly not seeing improvements.

      Asshats or Azzhats, it is one of my favorite descriptors. Works for any number of people, feel free to use it freely.

  4. I am so sorry about Scarlett! I love my animals so much, it is so hard to lose one. They give me so much more than I could ever give them: love, loyalty, adoration, acceptance.

  5. I’m so sorry to hear about Scarlett, losing a furry beast after all that time is never easy.
    It baffles me how people in positions of power have the nerves to say things like those, but what’s worse is that people still vote for them, a circus, that’s what it is.
    Here’s hoping your situation settles and calm returns to your days.
    Much love.
    xx

    • It baffles me as well, I don’t know why I continue to be surprised.

      It is settling down. I slowly return to reading and writing after a short break to breath. Thanks for your kind words.

  6. Oh Val, I know how it hurts to lose our precious companions…. I sometimes think almost or maybe as much as a person… It does take time for that cloud of grief to lift – I felt like it for every one of the seventeen dogs I’ve had – three at a time – and my cat, and I think it’s something we need to be kind to ourselves about.. Coming on top of all your other challenges I’m not surprised to hear you say it’s been lots of those days. The only thing to do is be gentle with yourself, and coddle yourself
    Been a few like that this end too !!! LIfe never stops…

  7. I’m so sorry to hear about your beautiful pooch. I had to say goodbye to one of my four legged friends a few months back. They leave a silence.

    Sounds like you are going through a little growth spurt (aka one of those days). Life would be so dull without them. If you could only bitch slap your guardian angel, it would make you feel so much better about it Take a breather and enjoy the late Spring . And while I’m at it damn you too Punxsutawney Phil xx

    • Bitch slapping that guardian angel, now there is a thought. Might make us all feel better. You are so right, the loss of one of our friends does leave silence. I am sorry you lost yours.

  8. I know that feeling too well. Over here, it’s going.

  9. A very thoughtful post but I sense you are handling the bad days with your usual courage and honesty. What a peaceful way to let go of your Scarlett. May you have a good weekend!

    • I am going to do my level best to try to reach some peace this weekend. With luck it will be nice outside and I will get some fresh air and sunshine. I need that.

  10. Saddened to read about Scarlet’s demise, Val. My dog will be 11 in June, and I’m trying to keep him as healthy as I can. I think he’s starting to suffer from arthritis. At least Scarlet did her job in making you happy, while you did the same for her in giving her a good home.

    I can identify with the rest of your situation. Sometimes it just seems like the entire world is ganging up on you. But, you’ve made it this far, when others would have collapsed after enduring half the crap you’ve experienced. Please stick around. The rest of us need you!

    • Thanks Alejandro, keeping our geriatric pets healthy becomes a challenge. I honestly think Scarlet became depressed when I had to make the same choice for my other dog 18 months ago, she lost her friend and was lonely and sad.

      It does feel like that sometimes, I know this is simply a phase. I know I am reacting worse to outside influences because I am not entirely peaceful in my internal life right now….but damn!

      No worries my friend, not going anywhere. This is a hiccup, an annoying one but a hiccup nonetheless.

  11. Oh Val, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Scarlet, It seems it has been more than ‘one of those days’ for weeks.. I hope as the Sun filters through the storm clouds which seem to have surrounded you in recent weeks. I hope that the Sun sprinkles her light upon your marriage too, and I ask that rainbows encircle your home…….
    Love to you Val………… my heart is with you xox
    Sue

    • Thank you Sue, I hope the same as you for both of us. I honestly think the slow recession of Winter is truly affecting my mood. Sweet Scarlet is a loss I will feel for a while, she has been with me for a very long time and her peaceful presence leaves a hole in my heart and home.

      Much love back

  12. Hugs to you for the loss of your four-legged friend. I completely understand about some days having to drag ourselves out of bed… I really wish I could figure out which days are going to be the hard ones but sometimes I just can’t … take care xx

    • Thanks Christy, I will miss my baby for a long time I think. You and I both wish for the same think, if I could figure that one out I would bottle it and sell it on the internet.

      😉

  13. Valentine, when I need a dose of raw, nitty gritty truth, I love being able to read your blog. You say the matter of fact things that I tend to withdraw from in my own posts, waiting until I feel “better” and then choose to write about the light I find in the end. But, the blogosphere needs both, and I’ve had many, many “one of those days”, as well, and I’m sure you know since you’ve read my latest article. 🙂 I think we go through them so we can appreciate all the more the great days, the happier days, the days that aren’t so wtf! 😉 Lots of love to you, and in particular, I’m so sorry about losing your precious pet. It’s so hard to lose our furry kids. Hugs being sent your way!! XOXO-SWM

    • I so agree with you, we need both. I love visiting you as well to be reminded of what a fabulous world we live in and how many wonderful choices we can make for ourselves (or not sometimes). I write what is true for me, hopefully people see the glimmer of hope that there is light in my life. Hopefully people see the me that finds joy in so many of my today’s. Hopefully people see I have a sense of humor and a sense of peace.

      Hopefully they see all of that even if I don’t sugar coat (I don’t like sugar).

      Thanks! Love back always

  14. I’m sorry to hear about Scarlett… it’s always such a tough loss, our beloved pets.

    As for the rest … well, I’m not one for advice, nor am I good at “chin up” sorts of pop-psychology phrases to try and offer comfort.

    The best I can do is send you a Big Ol’ Hug from Denver… and a heartfelt wish that next week is not quite One Of Those Weeks.

    • John you are funny, I have never taken the ‘chin up’ sort of phrases as comfort so really thank you for not offering any. I do accept hugs though, virtual and otherwise, thank you for that and your condolence for Scarlett she was awesome and letting her go difficult. I don’t think people realize how difficult that decision is sometimes.

      • A year or so ago — maybe longer, I wrote about having our cats put to sleep, and how I wrestled with it. I believe that we, as people, should be able to make that decision for ourselvs –but, I know that there are those who would never make that decision; so I somehow feel like it’s hard making a decision like that for someone who cannot express their wishes to you. But, in the end, I don’t think that any of us truly want to suffer, and, if we do suffer, we want it over quickly. It’s a wrenching decision, but, I think it’s the best.

        And… ok.. Here’s Another Hug… just because. 🙂

  15. I, too, have had a month of those days. While the progress may be small, I believe you are making your way to something great. Hearts and hugs for all the losses and the pain. Hearts and more hugs for the brighter future. ❤ xxx

    • You know maybe it is like those women who live together, they sync up. If this is true then my sister we are both on our way to something great!

      I can only hope for both our sake, this something great is not preceded by a great huge giant foot from the sky.

      😉

      Love back at you.

  16. Dear Val,

    So sorry that you have a new space in your heart left by Scarlett’s passing. As we watch our dog Cooper deteriorate, I absolutely understand. It is especially hard to lose that unconditional love when so many other things in life are troubled or troublesome.

    I wish you peace, my friend.

    As for our GOP buddies, nothing changes them unless it directly affects them (be it violence, or illness or homosexuality or whatever). I don’t wish violence on any of them, but I do think that all the folks who stand in the way of sane gun legislation should be prosecuted for gun crimes. The same way that I would be if I were in on a robbery and my partner in crime shot the store clerk. I would be prosecuted for murder. If you’re in on it, you’re in on it, whether or not you pulled the trigger. And these guys know exactly who they are protecting, and the results of their actions and/or inactions.

    • Thanks Elyse, that is such a lovely way to put it, “a new space in my heart.” As I wrote about Scarlett, I thought about you a Cooper, I hope when the time comes it is as peaceful and loving.

      I can’t speak to those azzhats, I just found Inhofe particularly insensitive and annoying. For whatever reason, right now I am very sensitive to this issue, to this battle and the horrifying things people are saying and doing to make their points are making me physically ill.

  17. As always, you have lots of food for thought here.
    Sorry to hear about Scarlett. Our pets truly are members of our family.
    I’ve beem dragging my caboose too. As you mention, maybe spring’s hesitancy is to blame for listlessness and short tempers.

    • You know Tess I am convinced the terrible winter and delayed spring, yes this is part of it. I am housebound and itchy for activity. Twitchy for color and inspiration.

      Thank you for your mention of Scarlet, she was the best.

  18. So sorry to hear about your dog. Pets really are a member of the family, and I feel bad about your loss.

    As for politicians, I think part of the problem is that the people with common sense and the ability to cooperate tend not to enter politics. They don’t want to put themselves or their families through that. Just look at the personal attack that was planned on Ashley Judd should she enter the senate race. Can’t say I blame her for backing out. I wouldn’t want to face that, either.

    • Thanks, I really miss Scarlet. I think she will like be my last dog for a very long while so I suspect I am also mourning this aspect of my life.

      You are so right, politics attract a very specific type of person these days. There was a time, many decades ago when I was in my late teens I thought I wanted to pursue a career in Constitutional Law, argue Civil Rights cases before SCOTUS and then pursue a career in politics. I wanted to be the defender of the downtrodden, children, education, the Constitution, Civil Rights and Civil Liberties, Women….hell all the stuff I still defend and talk about today (I guess I am haven’t grown up much). Then a professor asked me if I wanted to be poor and embarrass my family, my answer was no and I changed my career path.

  19. Wow! No wonder you’ve been having “one of those days” these last weeks. So much happening and not all positive, if I might add.

    You’re a tough one Val and have my respects.

    Peace, Eric

    • Oh, perhaps not as tough as I seem. I feel like jello right now. If only Spring would be sprung upon us, maybe I would feel better, if the sun would shine, the flowers would bloom…you know if it would just be wonderful outside. But for now I feel a bit housebound and it is making me twitchy.

      Some is a little bit positive, it is just hard work for small positive steps. I think because it is hard right now the light doesn’t feel very warming and still feels like it might be a train. But really, it also might be the sun and I am more glad then I let on.

      🙂

  20. This post is so meaty, I don’t know where to bite first, next, or at all. You continue to hearten me with your tenacity and good sense. I wish you were in my town, to shake up the local government here, which has held sway for over 30 years and is running the populace into the ground. Too many sheeple are willing to accept it, not enough of us dissenters to change it. On the other hand, aside from the ongoing task of dealing with clutter (the End is In Sight!), I’m having quite a nice end of winter and launch into summer with barely a nod at spring. Thus is life in the Mid-Atlantic South.

    • I suspect feeling as if the end is in sight would hearten me, I am still working on clutter a little at a time.

      I am missing our Texas Spring, hardly any Bluebonnets and the trees aren’t blooming. This is a part of my bleech mood I suspect.

      As for shaking up governments, I think we are all suffering this malaise whether at the local or otherwise. In office to long and not enough of us to get them out. Perhaps these mid-terms will tell a different story, perhaps enough of us will say to all of them on all sides of the aisle, enough. We will see.

  21. Quite the emotional ride. As for as the senator, some people just don’t get it. But, losing a loving pet is so difficult … peace to you! Meanwhile, stay positive!

    • It has been, I am hoping for a bit of relief. Scarlet was a great dog, she was always just a sweet presence wherever I was and I miss that. For now, I think positive is a stretch but I am going to work on peaceful and hopeful. I think those two will work for me, at least better than ‘blah’.

      🙂

  22. I honestly think that there is something happening with the alignment of the planets and Earth’s energy (said the hippy in me). The last month has been a CONSTANT struggle in my world, too. Every day is a task of survival. Motivation is at a level so low I amaze myself when something, even as simple as taking out the garbage, gets done. It is the pile up of life’s unwanted experiences, I guess, culminating. I am ready for a new change of energy. A new perspective. A new alignment of the sun and the moon and Mars and Venus. It IS “one of those” days on repeat.

    May your days get brighter, the marriage negotiations get rosier, and the dumb-asses in your neck of the woods get a brain.

    Sending you lots of love….

    • I think you might be right my friend, my problem right now? I would honestly like to realign a few people right out of my lane.

      Some days I suspect are just this way, makes one wonder though doesn’t it.

      Sending love back your way, sharing it makes it grow and perhaps this is the way things get better for all of us.

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