62 and Single

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I never thought I would be single at this age; this isn’t what I believed my life would look like. Truthfully, I assumed my life would be much different than it is today. Some days I wake up and wonder who is living my life, who is inhabiting the life plan I had. Well if I am honest, I wake up and think to myself, just what the fuck.

Excuse my expletive. There might be a few more so if you are offended easily you might not want to read this simple exploration of life at sixty-two, where nothing is quite as planned.

If someone had told me when I was twenty-five the trajectory my life was going to take, I would have laughed uproariously. I wouldn’t have believed them, sixty-two was old as the hills and I didn’t expect to live that long in all honesty. In the back of my mind though, I had expectations;

  • To marry, once
  • To have children, two
  • To have a careerlifethegame
  • To have grandchildren
  • To build a future and a home

To live the same life, follow the same path my father followed and embrace the same familiar patterns I had grown up with once my rebellion was finished. I was nearly done at twenty-five, almost completed my teenage angst and young adult anguish. I had started down the path of adulthood and was building that future though perhaps not quite in a regular fashion I had expected early on in life.

Yet here we are, thirty-seven years later and I am sixty-two years old and I am alone. I have had two husbands and a few wannabe husbands. One who I left and the other who left me. I have helped raise two children, both who remain close, but who are not mine except through bounds of love. I live alone in a house that is mine but still feels not quite home. I have lived a life that by all accounts was not normal but certainly built character, still I have to ask why am I alone when this is the last thing I intended to be.

Oddly, I am not unhappy or lonely most of the time. I enjoy my time within the self-imposed Personal_spacebubble, the time I can spend in my own company is strangely comforting. There are simply times I would like to know there is another person who is uniquely part of my world and chooses to share in my future. Someone who is a dependable source of both solace and pleasure. That single person who I can turn to as companion, partner, friend and yes, lover. Does this seem to be two distinctly different, even polar opposite spaces to occupy?

It may be. I cannot determine if it is or not. This sometime overwhelming longing to have a person in my life, a man who sees me, looks on me with compassion and desire does not take away from my pleasure in finally having peace and quiet. It does not reduce the enjoyment I take in my self-determination, of being able to finally do what I choose without thinking of anyone but myself. There is a strange dichotomy in finding yourself at sixty-two finally on your own, alone and independent of all responsibility but to yourself.

I remember thinking, there will come a time my sons will be grown they will marry, have children and be independent adults. There were times during my marriages I sometimes thought, my husband(s) will grow the hell up and become responsible grown-assed men, they will be full time contributors rather than emotional and financial dependents. I will be free to do what I wish, to work differently, to travel more or whatever else I wish to do. Then of course, divorce struck and financial setbacks took away my freedoms.

I recovered; I was most fortunate. Now I think, I cannot afford to just do anything to squander my recovery and my future. I must think like an adult, huh.

AmbivertScale

Can you guess where I sit on this spectrum?

So, adulthood hits at sixty-two and what it looks like doesn’t thrill me. Who in their right mind wants to do this, alone? This isn’t what I thought it would look like. Dating isn’t something I can do easily; I am not good with new people or small talk. Years ago, I tried on-line dating for a brief minute, that didn’t work for me so I won’t try it again. I am far too picky, a man would have to be extraordinary to catch and hold my attention, he would have to be part superhero, part bad boy and part old school gentleman (like my father). He would have to have the smile of an angel, clean fingernails, the patience of a saint and be able to laugh at himself.

Does this even exist anymore?

ShhhI have been so fortunate in my life. I have been loved and I have loved. I know what both look like. I have also been terribly disappointed, yes, I have also disappointed. None of us are without flaws, none of us have gone through life without mistakes. The thing is, I am better for mine, I hope. I don’t want to spend my last years alone, I want to share this last part of my life with someone who will love me knowing all my flaws, all my skeletons, all my baggage. Who will see me fully and without judgement hold me closely through the end.

I just keep wondering, how did I get here, sixty-two, single, alone and is this it?

Comments

  1. Your standards are not too high.
    You deserved the fucking world.
    You deserved to be the QUEEN you are.
    We all do.
    And that’s that.

    Love from MN. xxxxx

  2. Honestly, I think your standards are too high. Yet, at the same time, not high enough: let’s say, you find that guy who’s part bad boy, part superhero, part gentleman. You probably don’t want him acting like a gentleman when you need a bad boy, and being a bad boy when you need a superhero. 🙂

  3. From your replies I see that you are going to steer away from politics and write about what it is like to be single at 62. It is never too late for love but I like that you are picky and can accept being alone until the right person comes along to share your life. (Glad you are not turning to online dating!)
    Many of us find that life did not take us exactly where we thought we were going. Regrets creep in. I wonder how I got this old. You are strong. Keep writing! Just remember to vote. Cheers, Val!

    • My friend I will never steer away from politics. It is an election year! But I thought this would be an interesting diversion to keep it interesting.

      I hope explorations of this nature will be fun.

  4. I think, in one way or another, most of us end up surprised at how our life’s trajectory has turned out. Even a few years ago I never would have imagined I’d be living in South Dakota, yet here I am. All you can do is make the most of it and embrace it for what it is. 62 is NOT old; you might very easily find that special somebody you are longing for.

  5. Great post😀

  6. Hey, Val, I wish I had something to offer.

    But many of us end up alone either by choice or by fate. My one and only husband of 33 years developed pancreatic cancer. It was caught early, and at the moment signs are hopeful. But shit, that could change at any moment. I have been thinking a lot lately about how to navigate life alone.

    Wish I had something to offer.

    • Elyse, I am so sorry and I hope signs will continue to hopeful towards full remission.

      For me? I am going to continue to write about navigating single life and life with an on-again off-again partner. What it is like to date and choosing not to date. This was just the beginning of a new series. Politics is so harsh and ugly, something needs to lighten it up.

  7. I recognize the board game picture. Played LIFE many many hours. 70 now, divorced since 1984. Have had to find satisfaction in other things. seems marriage was not in the cards for me. No brothers or sisters either. Life’s daily little tasks are getting more difficult and irritating to complete. I wish I had a partner and some help too. Many people have found new companionship at our age but people also bring a lot of baggage along and their presence in our lives can be like interference in our lives instead of companionship.

    • I recognize both sides of the equation Carl. I think I had such good examples what it can be, I want it for myself. Then I think about the differences between myself and my examples and wonder if that is worth pursuit.

      So with a new series to write to, something to spur my creativity (I hope) I will be able to explore more about being single by choice or not at this age.

  8. I think about baggage all the time – more in a sense of what if I was single? I would I do accepting someone else’s baggage? How well would they accept mine? Heck, do I even want them to know? After all, very few want to be alone.

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