Family ties what are they and how do they affect our lives for good or ill. There are any
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number of books we can read, television shows we can watch, even movies we can see depicting both the ideal and the dysfunctional. In the 50’s there were the Cleavers of Leave it to Beaver, the Nelsons of The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet, and the Andersons of Father Knows Best. Although in the 60’s and even in the 70’s there continued to be idealized versions of families portrayed on television and even in movies these classics taught a generation what families were supposed to be.
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Jump to reality and it doesn’t seem these portrayals are achievable in today’s highly volatile society; truthfully, perhaps not even desirable. In an age where we regularly relocate families across country and even across the globe we lose touch easily with our
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extended families for weeks, months, even years at a time. With the advent of women in the workplace, two income families just to pay the bills, reproductive choices and women waiting longer for both marriage and children there are changes to how we view family and our ties to them. Add the other side of the coin, the number of single parent households most of them led by women, and finally the number of grandparents raising children today. What we have today is anything but the stylized ideal of the past.
What does this mean in relation to family and how we define them today?
My family is an amalgamation of biological members, adopted members, married in members, and step-members. I have different relationships with each and with some, I have made a conscious decision to limit my relationship. Others have made similar decisions to limit their relations and contact with me. So again, I have to ask how meaningful are family ties versus other relationships.
My answer is that they are what we choose them to be.
Throughout the years, we form relationships, friendships and lovers come and go. Some stay longer than others and become part of our extended families through marriage or otherwise. In the world today, we no longer stay in one place our entire life, we move for
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work, to marry, to attend school. We are besieged with the countless objects we must juggle day-to-day simply to so our lives run smoothly. Unlike past times, we frequently do not have extended family to support and assist us in emergencies; instead relying upon friends or even paid for services.
Family ties, what are they really? Do we create families as we progress through our lives, piecing them together with friends and relations? I have other relationships that I would more easily call family than those related to me by blood, marriage or family history. I don’t believe that we owe love, allegiance, or even respect to those who don’t treat us well simply because they are family. Ultimately, we create our family made of people who we care for and who care for us. Those ties of love, care, sacrifice, and yes-shared laughter are what keep us bound together, these are the true family ties.
More to come.
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I agree wholeheartedly. My family proved to be one of virtual strangers from the beginning. I began constructing my own family from friends since childhood. My son’s pop and maw maw aren’t even blood related, but they are better than the real thing.
Some of mine are virtual, some of mine are better off strangers, some of mine are why aren’t you out the door yet strangers. I will get around to telling more about the odd way my family has been constructed, some of it is quite comical. You are right though the family we build as adults is generally more sound.
Nice Val,
I really enjoyed reading this. As in your comment to Red, this is the time of the year that always hits me the hardest. As i was growing up, we would get together at my grandparents on Thanksgiving. After lunch, my cousins and I would go out and cut the Christmas tree. In the evening we would decorate. Christmas day would entail lunch, caroling, presents and left-overs. After my grand-parents passed, the family unit fell apart. Now we celebrate with whomever is closest to us. Oh the Good Ol’ Days. God Bless You, Grant
Sans the tree cutting Thanksgiving and Christmas were always the time extended family gathered at what was known as “Hearts Home”, my fathers and Step-mothers house. It was always a time we all looked forward to. With their passing 10 months apart we also have fallen apart. I miss them both a great deal.
I agree. Although I have some really great relationships with some of my assorted siblings (my family is blended as well), I have even stronger ties to people who are not familial. Idealized versions of families are cause for strife and disappointment. The adage “You cannot choose your family” is simply outdated, as is the idea blood imbues allegiance and respect.
Blood may be thicker than water, but it is neither loyal nor selfless. Friends are both. In my estimation, they make for better family unit members than those chosen by genetics and happenstance.
Red.
Must be the time of the year, I find myself lonely for the connections the holidays use to bring, even if just momentary. Somehow there feels like another shift in the air, perhaps that is the wire we both tripped over but family is on my mind today.