Random Thoughts after a Day at the Mall

Babies are not in most cases Beautiful

Sorry Moms and Dads, you are the only ones that believe your newborn infants are the

Mona Lisa, NBC Image

human version of the Sistine Chapel. When parents proudly show me pictures of their new creation, gibbering at the perfection of their red-faced hairless wonder, here are my standard responses;

  1. Lovely, you must be so happy (he/she) has finally arrived. Congratulations (this is my first attempt at kindness).
  2. Interesting child, I am sure they will be quite bright (sarcasm is free and generally goes directly over the head of the proud parent who is still in throes of passionate first love with child).
  3. Hmmm, did they use forceps? I am sure nothing was permanently damaged, perhaps it is just the lighting (sarcasm again goes over the head of the ecstatic parent).
  4. Finally…..He/She looks just like you, I am sure they will grow into it.

Parents are Deaf, I am Not

Women were provided with maternal instincts to prevent them from eating their own young. This is a true statement. The rest of us must obey laws that prevent us from beating your children when they act out in public places. This is also a true statement.

You have been listening to that high-pitched wail for so long you are immune, the rest of us are not. Do the public a service when your child begins to get loud, otherwise act out remove them. All you need to do is step outside and beat them; just a couple of good swift swats straight across that narrow behind of theirs will stop that bad azzed behavior straight away.

Restaurants – I am paying to enjoy a meal with spouse, friends or business associates. Why do you believe a perfect accompaniment to my meal is the sound of your child? Worse, why have you brought your child in public prior to teaching them basic table manners?

Stores & Malls – keep your child on a leash or in the cart. Just because they want to wander, doesn’t mean they should. Who is in charge? Should the safety of the child be considered in this case, your fellow shoppers do not want to be accosted by them or have to take them to lost and found when you fail to manage them adequately.

Finally – my house! If I send an Adult Only invitation to a soirée please do pay attention to that part that says Adults Only. Either decline the invitation or get a babysitter, there will not be one onsite. Your bad azzed children may be the very reason for the specificity of the invitation!

When you do bring your children, keep them under control! On those occasions they are invited along with you, please remember; My house is not kid friendly. I expect that you will respect I am an empty nester who doesn’t provide ‘child’ entertainment on a regular basis.

Airports & Airplanesrequires an entire post all of its own.

I don’t want anyone to think I hate children, I don’t. I do however, dislike intensely parents who don’t educate and train their children to behave properly in company and public. I am not overly fond of parents who bring endless streams of pictures and ask strangers and casual acquaintances to fawn over them.

We all love our own children; sometimes we love other people’s children. If we are honest, though we rarely love or even like ill-mannered children, even our own. Most of us at one time or another have wanted to walk up to some parent in a store or restaurant and ask them to beat their child or at least leave so we could enjoy the remainder or our outing in peace.

Perhaps I am more sensitive to this than others, if I offend my apologies. But then if I offend I suspect it is because you know I might just be right.


  1. okay, of course, i LOOOOOVED this… loved.

  2. riatarded says:

    I have been trying to comment but it isn’t working 😦

  3. riatarded says:

    I’ve been trying to comment but wordpress isn’t letting me:(

  4. riatarded says:

    I absolutely hate it when kids start crying on plane rides! UGH! >:|

  5. riatarded says:

    The worst is when they start screaming on long plane rides. >:|

  6. awarewriter says:

    As often as I’ve been tempted to tell the proud mother that her baby was butt ugly and looked like Winston Churchill, I’ve kept my mouth shut.

    I detest the mall and haven’t been to one in years. About a month ago while in BJ’s I had the misfortune of getting in a checkout line behind calm mom and her two screaming brats. The younger one was having the mother of all tantrums on the floor and the other was warming up. My ears hurt and I wanted to hurt someone.

    The quiet was palpable when they finally left. To say we were all relieved when the show was over is an understatement. One woman told of how mom and brats showed up in every aisle like they were following her. I think it would be wonderful if there was an electronic device that when aimed at screaming brat would concentrate all the sound and fire a blast into mother’s ears. Then blood would come pouring out and…

    I was in the supermarket once with my toddler daughter in the cart seat. She pulled a tantrum so I calmly took her out of the cart, walked out of the store, plopped her into the stroller and took her home.


    • I once believed I was in hell being followed through a store by a family with children who were all in various stages of the tantrum. The parents just kept saying “SHUT UP”. I wanted to shake the parents. The worst? They followed me into the check out line, gad.

  7. I thought I was the only one who would admit that babies are usually born very unattractive. (I put it in worse ways though.) By the grace of God and plastic surgery…they turn into someone who can be looked at without turning to stone or melting.

    • They all look like swamp rats until they are about three. And then their behavior makes up for whatever beauty they may have grown into…

    • Do you say it out loud?

      Very often people tell me I am unnatural, I just smile and cackle and tell them my oven is warm. They hide their children and I am eternally grateful.

    • Posted on I’ve been absent for a while, but now I reeembmr why I used to love this site. Thanks , I will try and check back more frequently. How frequently you update your web site?

      • Barbara, hi

        As frequently as possible when life doesn’t get in the way. I have been a bit behind the 8-ball recently but am trying to get a handle on what is holding me up.


  8. I’m not bothered by crying kids in stores and malls – usually just so relieved I don’t have to deal with it. However, I have little tolerance for tantrums in nice restaurants. As for airports and airplanes, I am destined to a lifetime of getting the seat with a four year old behind me and a crying baby in front of me as payback for taking a one year old, three year old, and four year old on a 30 hour (via holding rooms in Samoa and Hawaii – several hours each) flight to Tonga!

    • You made me laugh! I have been told my tolerance levels are lower than most. But I was once followed through Target by the family from hell, I swear this is the truth. I think they burst something.

      As I said, I could right an entire blog on airplanes and small children. I travel as part of my job, nearly every week. Oh, the stories.

      Happy Holidays and thanks for stopping by

  9. I want to like this post by paragraphs….

    NEEDS a LOVE button.

  10. Amen. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind why you are the Queen of Everything!

    I think this is precisely what you need!

    Merry Christmas!

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