I Am What I Am

All week I struggled with an idea that wouldn’t come. Honestly, the world has been on my last good nerve lately; caused my creativity to take a sharp turn towards a dark corner and remain there. For the past week, perhaps two, I have felt as if the inspiration muse has beaten me severely about the head and shoulders and then sent me to the timeout corner without my breakfast, lunch or dinner. It isn’t for lack of thoughts or ideas, no this isn’t the problem it is more than this, indeed it is something else altogether.

Lately I have been struggling with the world. I do this sometimes; the realm of politics, justice and social behaviors weighs on me, yet it is also safe to say I am a bit of a junkie when it comes to politics and world news. Though when I started this blog I swore (yes, I really did), I would not delve into the world beyond my front door, leaving these all too often controversial subjects for another site I write on. Here on QBG I would try to make friends, keep it light and join the blogosphere on a less divisive note; hiding my more contentious side under the table and behind the linen cloth.

Do we all simply have a natural bent to us? I suspect this is the truth of it. I hope I am not naturally scandalous and argumentative (though by many accounts this is my nature). I know I am by nature curious and have a deep well of compassion; maybe this is what draws me to certain issues repeatedly. I have always questioned the status quo; it drove my parents crazy and made my teachers want to set me on fire at times (they settled for sending me out to the hallway and later for suspending me).

Recently I have fought with what to say and when. This is another part of my nature I struggle with, that is my natural leaning toward privacy especially about my past. Though I want to amuse and make light of some of lifes moments and our human foibles, I would also like to be able to use my history to teach. This is hard, my history isn’t always easy to reveal, I have kept it so tightly held for decades. Part of my reasoning was there were many who would be hurt by my revelations; I wasn’t willing to do harm even where that harm was justly deserved. Now, well now I have the difficult time of unlocking the doors and breaking the walls built over so many years that have preserved my privacy and my sanity.

So, my silence has been me sitting in my timeout corner contemplating my navel, though not entirely in silence. What I struggled with writing all week finally was completed, instead of making it to QBG I decided it belonged with my other very political writing; it is titled Propaganda and the American Psyche.

I also worked through my thinking about revelations, how they affect us individually and interpersonally. Sometimes they hurt a great deal; other times well they just make things a little bit better. I suspect I am not going to change the world, maybe not even myself a great deal anymore, what I leave this entry with is the idea that “I am what I am”.

I will bet you thought this began with Popeye, didn’t you? In fact, this really started with the great Gilbert & Sullivan operetta The Pirates of Penzance and the song I am a Pirate King. So I am leaving you with my favorite Pirate King, Kevin Kline.

Comments

  1. You get out of the corner! Everything you do makes a difference. Change begins with us. When we change others change around us.
    I loved that video…thank you for sharing.
    Thank you too for your recent comments in my space.
    Hugs, xx

    • I also love that video! Kevin Kline makes a wonderful Pirate King.

      That corner, well it is terribly comfortable and venturing out, not so much. But as I said, the exposure of my truths are hard things. I select them with great difficulty and how they are received either causes me to retreat or pick the next. Some say my history and my truth could not be real, could not be all mine but indeed it is.

  2. I thought for sure i’d see at least one picture of Popeye here (I yam what i yam!)

  3. You know what they say, “Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History.” And so I cheer your commitment to
    (1) thinking about what is happening in the world, because, well, first things first;
    (2) pointing out so eloquently what is happening;
    (3) wanting to change things
    (4) working to change them.
    As much as we want to, we can’t change the way things are quickly, easily. Every step is very important.

    I read your other post on HUB. It is brilliant. Your point on protecting gun owners and not the victims is especially well said. And I stood in one of those Vietnam War vigils for 2 years (every Saturday) while I was in high school.

    And it’s also OK to step back and let others do some work too. We all need breaks or, I think, our hearts and spirits will break.

    • Thank you Elyse, I think mine cracked a little this past month. It was simply a difficult month for me. I know the reasons, I shared some of them but I think I didn’t realize really how hard it was until my heart just wouldn’t let me move forward, wouldn’t let me breath.

      That is a wonderful picture, isn’t it? I was arrested the very first time when I was 11 years old when I chained myself to a radiator in protest of the War. My friends and family were being drafted and marching to war, some came home but they were never the same again. Every night we watched the flag draped coffins coming off the planes over pot roast and potatoes. Maybe that is what missing, it is no longer real, no longer messy and ugly.

  4. Recently I have fought with what to say and when.
    I have been struggling the same way recently, for reasons similar to yours. I feel myself retreating a little, but I wonder–is it a long withdrawal, or part of a cycle that’s only now making itself clearer? Time will tell, eh? *sigh*

  5. The clip is thoroughly delightful. I have not seen hide nor hair of Penzance in years.

    As to changing the world, you do it all the time. And whether you realize it or not, some of the harm you seek not to inflict is not harm at all, but rather the weight of the admission some acts are bad behavior no matter how well-dressed.

    You change subtly everyday. It is part of being human. No matter how entrenched others may claim you are or have become, ever is your mind open to those who would be reasonable and appeal to your cerebellum rather than just your visceral emotion.

    I love who you are and find delight in you more each day. Even if you may not see it on the surface or in acts revealed to you, you do change the world. To that end, continue.

    Red.

    • What can I say but thank you. My timeout corner is simply a bit lonely so I thought I would peek out today. You are as ever one of my great heroes.

      I am glad you enjoyed “I am” with Kevin Kline, who was the very best Pirate King.

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