What I think in Retrospect

Today is New Year’s Day 2013; we survived the Mayan Apocalypse as we have so many other predictions of the end of the world. I kept asking people to send me their valuables for safekeeping, just in case mind you. It was a no go, I got not a thing except a few giggles, my friends are all so smart.

Yesterday I thought about all the things this past year brought, good and bad, bright and dark. Yesterday I also slept a great amount of the day away; I have been doing that a great deal lately with the assistance of my broad-spectrum painkillers (thanks doc).

This is in no way an attempt to make New Year’s Resolutions; I don’t do those anymore they simply add to my feelings of inadequacy when I systematically ED TV Ads Viagra Ad fail to achieve them. Do not mistake me, I do not feel inadequate on a regular basis only sometimes, like any normal person even if we don’t admit it at least aloud and in public. I don’t think there is Viagra for the heart and mind, well
there is actually but you can’t take it based on ‘periodic feelings of inadequacy’ versus ‘all the time’.

Did I just compare my now and then feelings of not measuring up to Erectile Dysfunction? Gad

Well, back to the main thrust of my ruminations yesterday, what did I learn as I pondered the last 365 days?

I am still capable of passion. It is in fact a core of my being too long ignored, too long tapped down so others are more comfortable with me. Even here, in my writing I have worked hard to be balanced, fair, pragmatic and inoffensive knowing those who I have great respect and love for might turn away from me should I let my passions fly.

Though I have exposed much of my history on these pages, I remain very much a private person holding myself within the four walls of my soul. This dichotomy has caused me to withdraw from friends, from those who wanted to draw me in, even from self at times. The more I drew back the curtains of the past the more I retreated.

I lie, yes, I said it I lie. I lie to myself every now and then but I lie to others also. I say I don’t care what others think but that isn’t really true at all; of course I care, I am after all human. My investment in caring is long-standing; it is part of who I have always been. Caring what others thought kept me in miserable marriages long past the time I should have exited. Caring what others thought kept me standing and laughing with my bullies in school when I should have demanded justice. Caring what others think now keeps me from standing up sometimes and saying, “No, I will not be quite, accept your judgment or your bad behavior”, simply because I need the connection.fourwalls

I say yes when I should say no. This is true in every aspect of my life. I allow others to dictate my direction based on their need and desire without consideration of what I might need or want. My narrow shoulders carry a huge burden yet I don’t seem able to say NO. The only thing I seem able to do is crawl under the covers and allow ‘sad’ and ‘pain’ to dictate my response to ‘no more’. This reaction is new this year. As I have debrided the past it seems I have also found new ways to hide from others and myself. For a year, I have lived in chaos, emotional and environmental chaos. The ability to say either HELP ME or NO has escaped me and thus I have lived chaotically all year.

I am fooling myself, not really but yes, I am fooling myself. I have spent the last year in pain. I tell others I have a high pain threshold and thus living like this is simply ‘what it is’. That answer is frankly Bullshit. That answer is destroying my life, my marriage and my future. I do have a high pain threshold, which should not matter a whit. This year has seen me go from working with a trainer in 2011, walking fairly regularly and actually losing weight to being nearly sedentary in 2012. My body hurts, I have gained weight again, I look and feel like warmed over…..well you know. I cannot live this way. Not only is it unhealthy, I do not feel good about myself.

 There are still things I want to accomplish in this life! There are still things undone.

That is the greatest conclusion I have come to. There are still things undone. Still lessons to learn, people to meet, love to give, passions to explore, waves to ride.

I admit it, I spent yesterday beating myself up a little bit. I felt as if I had let some people down over the past year. I hadn’t always lived up to my end of the bargain in our relationships, whether marriage, friendship or business. I always knew when I failed, when I fell down; what I failed so often to do is say to them, “I am sorry, I couldn’t do what I promised”.

I have to get better at only promising what I am able to deliver. I have to get better at judging my own capabilities and capacity. That is one resolution I plan on actually working on, just trying to be a better friend, wife and business partner.

I have to get better at taking care of myself. No, not working through the pain that is only for the fools who enjoy abuse and I am long past that. I am going to find a way to reduce the pain, go back to my trainer and do something to get off my azz this year. I simply cannot live this way.

I am going to find a dream or two to follow, chase like mad even. I have them, really. I have had them for a very long time. It is past time for me to put myself on the front burner, stop saying yes to every damn-body else and say yes to me.

I am going to continue to evolve the relationships I started this past year with long lost family members, including siblings and my first mother. They require nurturing; I am going to work on that garden.

momandI

So there you have it, my non-Resolutions based on my thoughts of this past year. How was your New Years?

Comments

  1. This was truly inspirational, real, honest. And took a lot of guts to nevermind write and share with the world, but to even say it to yourself. I think if we all looked that deep within ourselves and put all the bullshit aside, we’d have similar things to say. I truly wish you all the best this coming year (and those after it). If you even achieve a fraction of what you want to do, you’ll be a better, happier person for it. Xoxo

    • I think that we have to look at ourselves, hold up that mirror now and then. It isn’t that we will make huge changes, some things are deeply ingrained. But if we can pull some threads and unravel some small things that make us unhappy perhaps we can make ourselves and those around us a little more content. I would like it if content entered into the picture. I would like it if I could simply hit the ground walking faster towards even a few of my daydreams.

      Thanks for stopping in!

  2. AirportsMadeSimple says:

    Hi Val! Happy New Year to you, too. I wish you the very best in 2013. Remember, sometimes saying “no” to others is saying “yes” to yourself.

  3. Committing to self first makes us so much more effective with the people we try, and fail, to be there for. Wonder why it is so hard to do that, to be kind to yourself?

  4. You GO Girl!!! I always avoided the resolution thing – at first because I was contrary, then along the line I realized what an arbitrary date picked by someone else for me to change myself into what they expect me to be. Hell with that! If there is a good resolution day, I’m all for birthdays. Seems much more natural. and individual!!
    Here’s to old friends, new friends; new selves, old selves. And more blog hoping!!!

    Happy 2013, Val!!!

    🙂

    • Happy 2013 Kat. I suspect we all fall into the idea the new year simply delineates a period of time. Why not?

      We will see, won’t we. Perhaps I will check in at my birthday to see about adjustments. 😉

  5. Androgoth says:

    Yes 2013 is going to be gardening with Andro,
    well not exactly with me but hey if the garden is
    in need of some scarecrows I have plenty of them
    in my realm, you can take the Johnny Depp one
    if you like, you know the one with the big sword
    and the goofy expression, actually he resembles
    a tramps bottom in drag, but don’t let on that I told
    you as he thinks himself a handsome pirate, and is
    delusional about all the females that he thinks flock
    to his bed chamber of an evening. Now what else
    was I going to say? Ahhh yes, we were discussing
    2013 and what we were going to be getting up to,
    well not you and I of course, well sort of but not in
    the sense that others would have been thinking, we
    all know who the naughty one’s are around here Val
    so I won’t offer any names 🙂 lol By the way I like the
    idea of nurturing and you go for it, think of ‘ME’ time
    and do anything and everything that you want without
    worrying about how others will react, oh noooo this
    is 2013 and time to do the Time Warp Again, with a
    Jump to the Left, and a Jump to the Right, a Wiggle
    of the bum, a wink and a slap and let’s do the Time
    Warp Again… Okay so I don’t know the words to
    this one but you can make it up as you go along, erm
    sort of like this comment that I am adding 🙂 lmao

    Okay I am out of here, I have promised myself some
    toast with strawberry jam on top sooooo have a lovely
    rest of evening and don’t worry about me, I am nuts 🙂

    Andro xxx

    • I love the Time Warp….such fun! Ya, me time that is the right answer all around. Thanks Andro, for the offer of the scarecrow might take you up on that. 🙂

      • Androgoth says:

        I have a team of twenty
        Scarecrows at your disposal
        Val 🙂 But a word of warning,
        one of them pinches things
        so be very careful where you
        bend over in the garden 😉

        Andro xxx

  6. Wonderful, honest post, Val. Yes! Grab onto a dream, and don’t get discouraged as you find your way. It’s soooo hard, but it is doable. My New Year’s came with being stood up for a dinner date, and with that I determined that my resolution for this year is to not settle for being #2, #3, #4, or lower on any man’s or friend’s totum pole. I’ve accomplished a lot of self-esteem renewal over the past 4 years, but this is one area I still fall short and accept settling rather “okay” than walking way. Upon being stood up I resolved (after a good cry) to head out, get my own dinner, my own movie, and settle in for the night-alone. Within 45 minutes I was called by a friend of mine who kept me “company” for over an hour and welcomed me for coffee New Year’s Day morning and nice walk outside in the brisk air. Sometimes the best resolutions are the simplest of ones. I have the most heart-felt wishes for healing, renewal, good health, and inspirational hope for you in 2013, Valentine! I so enjoy your blog! XOXO-SWM

    • You know, perhaps you escaped a really terrible evening and being stood up was a wonderful blessing. I have often found dinner and a moving with me, myself and I to be the best evening possible. I am so glad though you had a friend on stand-by to talk to.

      I enjoy your blog as well. Maybe we should just resolve to be each others support systems this year. There are a number of us who are all working to be better this year.

      • I am certainly willing to be part of a support system for positive growth and hope, Val. I love my blogging friends, you included, of course! The words we share, the journeys we travel, they connect us, inspire us, and help us trudge forward. XOXO

    • Androgoth says:

      That guy must have been crackers
      standing you up on your dinner date,
      but never mind it was his loss…

      Happy New Year 2013
      Singleworkingmomswm

      Androgoth

      • Thank you, Androgoth. Like Val said, it was a total blessing, and I think I knew that in my heart before it even happened. Happy New Year to you, as well! XOXO-SWM

        • Androgoth says:

          There is always a reason why these things happen and so no problemo as they say, like I said it is his loss… Onwards and upwards my friend 🙂

          Androgoth

  7. One day at a time lovely lady

  8. Happy New Year, Val. Thanks for another great post that echoes many of my same thoughts. Specifically, taking care of myself and saying NO once in a while!

    • I am so glad it resonates with you! Perhaps we should check each other now and then just to make certain we are moving forward and breathing.

      Happy New Year

  9. Lotsa good stuff in here, but I caution to say – don’t beat yourself up because you identify with what it means to be human – which is not easy!

    We were dancing on NY Eve, and attended a NY Day brunch at a friend’s house. Happy New Year to you and yours.

    • I love you went dancing! I am going to try hard to convince my husband to learn to dance this year, maybe something sexy and Latin, yummm

      Trying to learn not to beat myself up for my humanity Frank, in fact I want to accept my humanity, that is the point.

      Happy New Year to you and your wife

  10. I’m not commiting to any resolutuons this year either. My plate’s pretty full and I don’t need to add to it. I’m sure I’d put the same things on the list I’ve already put on past resolution lists anyway. Happy New Year to you.

    • You as well Totsy, New Year shouldn’t add to our stress you know. We should look back, think hmmm, not going to try to do that again and then move forward. That is what I think anyway.

      Happy New Year, Bright New Day.

  11. May you find that dream to follow in 2013! Best wishes for less pain and more joy.

  12. Val, you need to remember to put your own oxygen mask on first, before assisting others. Women often need to be reminded of that — and maybe those of us who struggle with problems they try to ignore need to be reminded more than others.

    I’m glad that your blog has helped you release some of your demons, fight some of the world’s demons and made us friends in the process.

    May 2013 be a happy, healthy one for you, Val.

    • That is it, damn that is what I forget the oxygen mask. Thanks

      You know the weird thing is, I didn’t start out with that intent. Of course, I didn’t start out with the intention of blasting away politically either. There you go, the best laid plans right down the swirling drain.

      Happy? I would be satisfied with peace, less pain and a few dreams grabbed.

      I am certainly pleased with new friends made in 2012.

  13. Happy New Year! Eat more cookies!

  14. Happiest of 2013, my dear sister. This year promises to be brighter than the last. I believe you will accomplish all you have set out to do. And when you think you will not, you have the number. I love you. Thank you for a beautiful, supportive 2012. xxx

  15. The ringing-in part was great; going to the same place every year helps me think of the ways Anthony and I have grown together since the last year. Alas, one drink too many with not a bite of food for hours meant I awakened feeling funky . . . and yet, somehow, hopeful. Happy new year! May there be much leas pain and much more joy this year.

    • Happy New Year my dear friend. Yeah, that funky feeling I remember it and avoid it like the plague. Sorry.

      Hopeful is good. I actually woke with hope this morning also. Here is a raised glass (mine is coffee) to hope.

  16. As much as I love being free form, without order there is no place to get down and funky with chaos. I am all for you learning how to establish your space, your lines, your territory with yourself. Others need this from us so they can learn the outlines of who they are as well.Best to you. patrice

    • I love free form also, within the limits of a non-chaotic life. I simply enjoy order within my environment and last year did not seem to conform to my need for an orderly environment. So that is my first order of business. I agree with you, others need our boundaries established so they can live with us.

      Happy New Year to you also.

  17. Val… Happy New Year to you and yours.. May it be Brighter, Lighter! and Painfree… 🙂 and may you find Inner Peace, More Laughter, Lots of Love.. and above all that ALL your Desires are met..

    Im sorry to hear you are still experiencing pain Val.. How did the Acupuncture Go?.. I still have mine every 4/5 weeks.. regular now for 3 yrs… And I have to say how much its made a difference for me..

    Love and Blessings Val and Hey… Just keep being YOU and LOVE YOU More! I sometimes think thats half our trouble.. we are there for others but forget ourselves… Giving you a Big Hug.. right after you’ve given yourself one… after 3…… 1… 2….3……((((BIG)))) (((((HUG)))) 😉 🙂 😀 xxxxxxx Love Sue x

    • Ah Sue, you are so right that self-love needs to be in there somewhere doesn’t it. Acupuncture was great, the acupuncturist wasn’t terribly reliable so had to find someone new and will start with new person next week.

      Back at you with laughter, love and bright blessings this year.

  18. I wish you well in 2013, Valentine, and I hope you find a more peaceful and less painful state. Working towards a dream is a solid first step. When we lose our dreams, we lose our hope.

    • Agreed. It seems sometimes I am so busy working on other peoples ‘needs’ I forgot myself last year chaos ruled.

      So this year, a bit less chaos and a bit more order. I desire order in my life.

      Happy 2013.

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