Dreams of You

Everything I wanted was a dream of you.

scan0003The you I saw in pictures on the beach, when both of us were younger and smiled whenever we were together; it wasn’t often maybe that was why we smiled. The you I talked to for hours on the phone, every single day of the week; why do you tell me now, you don’t like to talk? I don’t remember that about you. The you who wrapped your arms all the way around me and held me for long minutes, as if you would never let me go, as if I mattered. The you who listened to me after a long day at work, who didn’t interrupt to tell what you would do, just listened to me.

Everything I wanted was a dream of you.

You were imperfect. So was I though, I was honest about my imperfections; hell, most of my imperfections were drawn vividly on my skin along with some of my milestones in the form of tattoos. I laughed sometimes at your unique view of women and men and marriage, I thought honestly, you would grow out of them. I wish you would have told me before we married, maybe it is my fault for not probing more deeply, for letting my heart lead my head. Instead you let your views out slowly and you grew more rigid more severe, your unique views demanded my silent compliance. Your views became rules with consequences, while your own small compromises nothing more than resentments you hold against me. To keep peace I paid, for all the things most partners do together or for each other, I paid others to do; to keep peace and so you would not have to lift a finger.

Everything I wanted was a dream of you.

What changed? Did I give you too much? Did I make life too easy or demand too little of you? Do you blame me, well of course you do. I ask you, what do you want and you refuse me an answer. I tell you what I want and you say it is too much, yet all I want is a life in which you do more than show up now and then, it isn’t enough. You twist each word to stab me, using each request to prove I am the cause of any unhappiness and all misery. Now, I speak my peace I am unhappy at your withdrawal from me, from life, from marriage. Yes, I am unhappy at choices you make, these choices.

  • I need to get away, I need to see my family. I am doing so during the week of our anniversary and you are not part of this planning.
  • I am not going with you to your grandson’s birthday party. I don’t feel like it.
  • I am not spending Christmas Day with you, I don’t feel like being with your family.
  • I am not spending Thanksgiving Day with you, I don’t feel like being with your family.

These are some of your choices, they are selfish and self-serving, they show a complete lack of love and care for me. When we speak of love, marriage and partnership and I say to you I make sacrifices all of the time to remain married, what is your response?

You respond with, “I will leave then, I don’t want you to sacrifice”. You begin to pack your belongings. You have no place to go, I don’t think; except maybe home to your mother. I think you have been waiting for this moment, this opportunity to bolt. I suspect you were looking for the door to crack open so you could blame others, as you have done at other times. Your pride won’t allow you to admit failure, not your own at least. This way you can easily say, “She did it, she put me out. I was the perfect husband but she was never happy, never satisfied”.

Everything I ever wanted was a dream of you

There was a time, when you were the kindest most moral man I had ever known in my life. You made me feel safe and protected. I thought, you above everyone I knew, you would never hurt me. Despite all of our differences, OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAall that we had to overcome to be together I thought the dream that was you might be real. There was a time, I followed my heart and thought maybe, just maybe this will be fine and I will be finally mostly happy. There was a time when I believed there was someone in my life who accepted me, loved me, celebrated me and would walk beside me to the end.

Everything I ever wanted was a dream of you.

I suppose your dreams were different, you just forgot to tell me.

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