Dreams of You

Everything I wanted was a dream of you.

scan0003The you I saw in pictures on the beach, when both of us were younger and smiled whenever we were together; it wasn’t often maybe that was why we smiled. The you I talked to for hours on the phone, every single day of the week; why do you tell me now, you don’t like to talk? I don’t remember that about you. The you who wrapped your arms all the way around me and held me for long minutes, as if you would never let me go, as if I mattered. The you who listened to me after a long day at work, who didn’t interrupt to tell what you would do, just listened to me.

Everything I wanted was a dream of you.

You were imperfect. So was I though, I was honest about my imperfections; hell, most of my imperfections were drawn vividly on my skin along with some of my milestones in the form of tattoos. I laughed sometimes at your unique view of women and men and marriage, I thought honestly, you would grow out of them. I wish you would have told me before we married, maybe it is my fault for not probing more deeply, for letting my heart lead my head. Instead you let your views out slowly and you grew more rigid more severe, your unique views demanded my silent compliance. Your views became rules with consequences, while your own small compromises nothing more than resentments you hold against me. To keep peace I paid, for all the things most partners do together or for each other, I paid others to do; to keep peace and so you would not have to lift a finger.

Everything I wanted was a dream of you.

What changed? Did I give you too much? Did I make life too easy or demand too little of you? Do you blame me, well of course you do. I ask you, what do you want and you refuse me an answer. I tell you what I want and you say it is too much, yet all I want is a life in which you do more than show up now and then, it isn’t enough. You twist each word to stab me, using each request to prove I am the cause of any unhappiness and all misery. Now, I speak my peace I am unhappy at your withdrawal from me, from life, from marriage. Yes, I am unhappy at choices you make, these choices.

  • I need to get away, I need to see my family. I am doing so during the week of our anniversary and you are not part of this planning.
  • I am not going with you to your grandson’s birthday party. I don’t feel like it.
  • I am not spending Christmas Day with you, I don’t feel like being with your family.
  • I am not spending Thanksgiving Day with you, I don’t feel like being with your family.

These are some of your choices, they are selfish and self-serving, they show a complete lack of love and care for me. When we speak of love, marriage and partnership and I say to you I make sacrifices all of the time to remain married, what is your response?

You respond with, “I will leave then, I don’t want you to sacrifice”. You begin to pack your belongings. You have no place to go, I don’t think; except maybe home to your mother. I think you have been waiting for this moment, this opportunity to bolt. I suspect you were looking for the door to crack open so you could blame others, as you have done at other times. Your pride won’t allow you to admit failure, not your own at least. This way you can easily say, “She did it, she put me out. I was the perfect husband but she was never happy, never satisfied”.

Everything I ever wanted was a dream of you

There was a time, when you were the kindest most moral man I had ever known in my life. You made me feel safe and protected. I thought, you above everyone I knew, you would never hurt me. Despite all of our differences, OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAall that we had to overcome to be together I thought the dream that was you might be real. There was a time, I followed my heart and thought maybe, just maybe this will be fine and I will be finally mostly happy. There was a time when I believed there was someone in my life who accepted me, loved me, celebrated me and would walk beside me to the end.

Everything I ever wanted was a dream of you.

I suppose your dreams were different, you just forgot to tell me.

Comments

  1. I’m sorry ; (

  2. I only clicked the Like button for the why you share yourself in this post. Otherwise, sad and hurt is not meant to be liked. Hugs, strength, and patience for you at this time, for as time is a wonderful healer, that is if you give it a chance and not challenge it.

    I read the next post before reading this one. Glad my instincts had me to some retracing. Hugs to you.

    • Thank you Frank, I work through all these feelings and am still sitting and wondering what the real outcome is. I know, in my heart it can’t be a continuation of where we are today.

      Love is strange isn’t it. Love demands our attention and our hope. Sometimes though it simply demands we step back. I think this is where I am now, stepping back.

  3. Val, there are millions, each day, going through what you are going through. It hurts like the very fires of hell have been visited on our very being. But it always gets better, one day, better enough to bear, anyway, and the broken dreams are replaced by new ones. This phase is all about raw survival. Think back over the things you have overcome in your life. You are tougher than you think you are. Sometimes, we just have to endure, for a while. It will take its own sweet goddamn time, but the sun will come up again.

  4. I’m so sorry, Val. You deserve better.

  5. I ache for you, Valentine. I have been there. Life sure takes a dive, an unexpected corner. Sometimes though, you get to turn it around. My wish for you is that you can. Thinking and sending positive thoughts.

  6. Oh Val…
    sending you love and hugs
    for you here always

  7. Life is crushing…

    I wish you very well my sweet friend 🙂 xxxx

  8. So emotionally raw and honest. I am certain this was very difficult for you to write, but I’d like to view it as an opening for you. I am hopeful that this period will not break your resolve and will. You are already so courageous for sharing so much. There seems to be much that is out of your control with regards to this specific relationship, so manage only what you can and the other things, well…they’re not within your control, so let Spirit guide. Still, in all of it, remember to love YOU and take the self-care that you need to manage through. Do not deny yourself of this. Sending good thoughts and energy for better days ahead, your way.
    Be Well,
    SomerEmpress

    • Thank you for your words and your outlook. Right now, yes it does seem a bit out of my control. Little by little though, I think I will pick my battles. The ones most important to regain me in this, I think I lost that.

  9. I did not know,dear. So sorry.

    Sending you LOVE love love from Minnesota.

    Keep writing. Never stop! Xxxxx

  10. So sad, Val! Please take care of yourself.
    Hugs xx

  11. Tragic and honest

  12. Saddened to read this, Val.

  13. OneHotMess says:

    I am so sorry, Val. I have been there. It hurts. Be very kind to yourself! Xoxo

  14. Wow. You just put it in to words so well. I have been there. As sad as this was it was wonderful. xo

    • I don’t want to be here, but expect here is where I am. This likely should have been what was said 13 months ago. Instead I opened the door, said yes lets try again. Now, well I think it hurts worse.

  15. Val, I wish I had the right words that would ease your heart… I just know there are no perfect people.. we each have our imperfections and trying to live with them in each other can be very hard…
    You have my love and my thoughts..always ……….. Love Sue xox

    • Thanks Sue, there aren’t right words are there. I don’t have them most certainly. I know there are no perfect people. Sometimes love walks into our lives and we open the door, we welcome it, said by these two which I found here.

  16. Just like Red said, I’m here too. Marriages are imperfect because we are imperfect. Both parties. Always.

    Hugs going your way, my friend.

    • Thank you, I am grateful knowing there are those out there who have my back and might catch me if I fall. I don’t think you know how grateful.

      I know, I do; I know it is both parties. I even know what each of us contribute and take away. But for now the words stand and I am, well for now I am defeated.

      Thanks for the hugs, I suspect I might need them in the coming days.

  17. I just love you. All of you. You are perfect. Mistakes do not make us less perfect. They make us better. I just love you. I am here.
    xxx

    • I know, nevertheless I am feeling imperfect and shattered. We will see what happens next. We will see how it unfolds. We will see what is pulled and pushed. We can only see. For now? For now I remain silent, nothing more to say to the dream that was.

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