Summer Sun

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAWhen all you have isn’t enough, then what?

When everything you are isn’t good enough, then what will be good enough?

When your entire history is poured on the ground and the only thing you can make is mud pies, should you plan to forever go hungry?

Someone once said to me, “You won’t live to thirty”. Yet here I am I lived past fifty.

Someone else once said to me, “I will kill you”. Yet, here I am alive. They didn’t succeed in killing me though they damned near broke my spirit.

Another person said to me, “You will never amount to anything, you are stupid”. I believed them for years and let their judgment dictate my direction and choices.

I approach my next birthday, sooner than I like to think and I consider the consequences of my choices. Pardon me while I wallow in a fair bit of self-pity, maybe not self-pity so much as ‘well shit, what next’. I stare down this slope of the unknown and consider options:

–          What is next for this last third of my life?

–          Why am I asking who I am at this late date?

–          Should I even care about definition or instead just get to living as best I can?

If you could, would you say despite not being enough, not being good enough, despite dust turning only to mud, I am still grateful. My heart is full of gratitude I have lived, I am alive and my eyes have beheld great beauty, my soul 013has burst with laughter and I have trod paths both new and ancient searching for nothing more than passages to joy. I have risked my heart more than once, because well because I am a romantic and despite I have had the ever-loving shit stomped out of me more than once I still believe in love. Despite a tough as nails exterior, despite scars, not just on the inside but some prominent ones on the outside, I am still somewhat mushy and sometimes all too forgiving of the failure of others to take care of the gifts I freely give.

I often accept hurtful words and judgments of ‘less than’ and ‘not enough’ as the truth. I often absorb these through my skin and into my heart. I allow these judgments, harshly rendered to send me into myself searching for different truths or forgiveness. I reach outward sometimes-begging forgiveness for harm unintended, other times for harm never done but easily identified as mine.

Hard to believe anything but early judgments even after all this time of fighting for new definitions. Yet still I will live my life with a grateful heart for all the gifts of light, laughter, joy and pathways to victorious survival against great odds. We might not always be warrior queens, perhaps it is enough sometimes we simply find a sunny spot and be thankful for the color yellow and the warmth at noon.

Am I crazy? Maybe just a little. Am I still a romantic, seeing the world through rose colored glasses? Yes, I suppose I am. The truth? I suppose the truth is, still after all this time I simply want to be loved just as I am, flawed, scarred by a life I didn’t ask to live but lived in the best way I could.

That is all, just loved; perhaps after all that was and is too much.

Comments

  1. I don’t care about the scars, the real you that is inside and outside is a lovely woman that cares passionately about others, about life itself. Conquering many past fears and pushing yourself when times have been harder than you should ever have witnessed tells me that you are a woman worthy of love, a woman to be cared for and pampered every day and night. A beautiful spirit, a wonderful, charming sweet woman, a friend, great friend, and romantic? Yes definitely romantic 🙂

    A beautiful person are you
    Valentine Logar and never change 🙂

    Andro xxxx

  2. Look at all these comments here, you are loved by many, from all over the world. ((hugs))

    • Yet like so many of us do, I find it is far easier to believe the harsh word then the words of kindness. Isn’t it strange how those words said to demean and hurt burrow into our souls, while those said to lift us up do not stay but for a monent in time.

  3. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    A birthday soon, hey? Ah Valentine, I feel all of your thoughts here. I’m coming up to my last third of life. Bizarre, bizarre, and unavoidable. I would like to be loved also – but the consequences of our choices…

  4. Its ok to indulge in some self-pity at times Val, and isn’t Love what we all came to experience? and I so agree, we all want to feel Love, and yet among all of this, I ask you one question that for most people many forget, as they love others and want to feel love… Don’t forget to Love yourself…. that for me for a long long while was what I had been lacking! And eventually I did Lots of Mirror work…
    Love and more love sent your way, And give yourself a Big hug 🙂 xxxx
    Sue xxxx

    • That Sue is what I am working on, the mirror. That oh so important mirror. For far too many years that reflection was distorted by what others thoughtlessly said. I am trying to fix that.

      Love back to you from across this pond of ours.

      XXx

  5. I love this post of positivity. Yes , many people can say negative things and criticize, but we must not let these interactions poison our well-being!

    • It is all a matter of rolling stones uphill sometimes. Either we get all the way up and build a castle, or we allow them to roll down and over us, thus building a wall at the bottom. I would prefer the castle, even though it is much harder work sometimes.

  6. Sometimes surviving is a great victory. Especially if life brings us to the point, where others would give up easily.
    Don’t care for easy judgments of others. Stay yourself, and be happy 🙂

  7. I believe its easier to live with others telling you, you are not good enough than to live with your own self telling you the same thing. life is mean and its meaner to some of us. I like to think of it as a diamond polishing tool, the harder it rubs us the more we shine. You positively sparkle, Valentine. And everyone loves a sparkling diamond, right?
    love to you

  8. totsymae1011 says:

    With time and age, I’ve been able to liberate myself from ‘not enough’ and the like. It also helps to separate oneself from those who think that way toward you.

    As you approach this third of your life, continue on with those essential ingredients: gratitude, grace and inner peace. It’s so much easier that way, though it takes time to come to that realization.

    • A cup of this, a dash of that, a pinch of something else. Yeah, I think I get it most days I think I get this entire gratitude things works pretty well. The liberation thing? Not so much all the time but I am getting there also you know?

  9. I can always rely on you for a positive outlook on life. Thanks for your contribution to my day.

    • I try Ian, I am getting there. Each day, I am getting there. Some days I wake up and think, well just ick but then the sun shines and my Hibiscus blooms and I smile and I am grateful. Another obstacle doesn’t seem quite so hard, you know?

      I am glad you enjoyed this one.

  10. Judgments from others can be so cruel… and then lead to our own judgments of ourselves… Sadly we are often harder on ourselves than the other people even realize.

    • We are that, harder on ourselves that is. I think we absorb what others say then explore the truth, holding it up to the light and questioning it. I don’t know that we always hold it close but certainly we hold it for a time. Words do hurt though, don’t they.

  11. Initially, I wasn’t sure where this one was going … but in there end, I smiled. Life isn’t easy and everybody makes mistakes. But through all the muck, it’s comes down to how we embrace it …. and you hit it with these words: live my life with a grateful heart for all the gifts of light, laughter, joy and pathways to victorious survival against great odds.

  12. Oh for crying out loud Valentine, come and stick your head over here in the sand . It’s real soft and if you wriggle enough you eventually won’t see a thing. I’ve been head down, bum up for years. Go on, ask me my age, I can’t remember ….

    • No, I think I would rather just be buried up to my neck still want to see the sun. Just a strange desire I have for yellow, you know? This too shall pass Loon, this too shall pass.

  13. Good morning Valentine,

    I too, sense the peace with which you wrote this. Your grateful spirit and attitude toward the infinite possibilities of love take center stage, while the dark moments play lesser characters. This is so critical, especially, as you continue in your pursuit for definition. I’d like to refer to it more as actualization rather than definition, because I think you already know exactly who you are – a complexity of your experiences, a reflection of Grace.

    Life was never meant to be easy, perfect, or problem-free, that’s for sure, but the Grace with which we move through Life, and the Gratitude with which we give for the Mercy we are extended, is what makes for the difference in two lives lived. This outpouring clearly reflects that.

    Along your journey–despite the boulders, round-a-bouts, and stony roads, you still find Joy (distinct from happiness), color, vibrance, sunrises and sunsets. You stop to savor, smell, inhale, and be present. Please. Do. Keep on. Don’t stop seeking because then you will have stopped living.

    Thank you for sharing this part of your journey. I am rooting for you all the way!

    • You placed it perfectly, thank you. I struggle sometimes with the language of searching. You are right, it wasn’t meant to be easy though there are times I would ask if I couldn’t please have a hammock by the sea shore for a bit, you know just a brief respite.

      But gratitude, yes this is important isn’t it? Even in the hardest of it, this is important.

  14. I detect no self-pity here, but the courage to say that which most shy away from. Yes, we all want to be loved and the world can certainly do with more love.

    Luv and hugz my dear,
    Eric
    P/s Fifties? So am I. Yup, God stopped making them like He used too

    • Eric, is it the age thing do you think, do we hit this mark and begin to question or is it simply those of us in this generation are simply given to more introspection. I know I am worn down right now, this looking inward thing has me strangly peaceful but tired too. Hope all is well in Singapore.

      • Dear Val,

        You see, I’m so comfortable with you, I refer to you as ‘dear’. I don’t normally reply to a reply but I sensed a real question here. Feel free to delete after reading this – if you so wish.

        Is this an age thing – yes, I believe so. We are winding down and subconsciously taking stock. Past injustices outrage us even now, but perhaps not with the same intensity. Past wrongs that we wrought upon others and past embarrassments are coming together. Shorn of all false pride – we view ourselves for what we were and have become. We see many good changes within us and perhaps, some of our deeds that still rankle.

        Have we learned? Would we do it differently? I hope that ‘yes’ and ‘yes’ for our misdeeds. That’s progress, I reckon.

        Can we forgive all the hurt vested on us by others? This, I know, is difficult. But it is for God to forgive – as He judges, He forgives. We don’t judge, we don’t forgive – we simply accept. We accept all the bad done on us – the harsh words, the pain, the betrayal, all. It is for our tormentors to learn and recover their ill-founded thoughts, words and actions.

        You’re worn and tired, yes. If I’m there, I’ll simply hold you in my arms and keep silent. But you already have a love of your life for that – lucky you. I’ve my love here for me too – lucky me. But not everyone has our good fortune.

        You feel peaceful, yes. That’s acceptance, I believe. Some hidden knowledge that all is well and will be well.

        To feel so, this peace – a good life you’ve lived, I believe. Done your best. I’m happy for you. Truly, I am.

        Please do forgive me if I stepped out of line and hope that I did not come across as preachy.

        Peace and blessing keep you company, my dear
        Eric

  15. I read this yesterday and I’m still thinking about your words today. We’re all a bit crazy and we all just want to be loved. Keep on finding the good in life and cling to that because you deserve it.

    • We all deserve it, I am just ruminating over things. Running them through my soul on spin cycle. Pounding them on rocks and wanting the answers. I suspect it is part of that WTF place I am in right now.

  16. I loved the post Val, I see no self-pity on it. I think it’s very peaceful and positive post, not always pointing the wrongs makes things bad.
    xx

    • Thank you, I was mostly peaceful when I wrote it so I am glad this came through. You are right, just because we pull back layers we are not necessarily pointing fingers or being ugly.

  17. Wanting to be loved, just as we are, flaws and all, is, I think, a basic human need. We want to be loved for who we are, not for being the person someone else wants us to be.

    I wouldn’t call it self-pity at all.

    For what it’s worth — and, I’m not just saying this to blow wind up your skirt — I think you’re a remarkable woman: smart, funny, strong, gentle. Life has had its ups and downs, and you always come through the downs, maybe a bit more scarred, a bit more weary, but with a hell of a lot more character than many others.

    • I think you are right, this is a human desire isn’t it? Yet, even as we recognize it as human we stumble over our own humanity. Silly. Thank you John, I am grateful for your reminder and affirmation. Right now, I need it.

  18. You are the most wonderful and beautiful kind of crazy! I love your heart, and I LOVE this post.

    Hugs from Ecuador,
    Kathy

    • Oh Kathy, thank you. I hope so, the wonderful kind of crazy, I hope so. You know sometimes we can get tangled up in blues? I am tangled right now, trying hard to find the end of the knots and unravel them. But, really just trying to hard to find that peaceful heart, you and so many others remind me, it is good.

      XX

  19. Reblogged this on The Arkside of Thought by Sahm King and commented:
    Isn’t that the meaning of being a warrior? Strong.

  20. You are a bit crazy and a lot romantic. Most of all, though you are a survivor. Long may you remain that way!

    • You know Elyse, I don’t think I have a choice. I think it is simply the way I am programmed to be, to survive to silly slings and arrows and live on another day. To find that sunny spot and be grateful for the color yellow, even if I can’t wear it. Even when I am a bit blue, a bit low.

  21. Yes, to my way of thinking you are crazy, Val: crazy on life and romance, and with a crazy BIG heart!

  22. This song is for you:

  23. Beautifully written Val, as always words are your minions. I am not interested in some one who loves what they wish I were, or hope I will someday become. That person is not me. The way I am today is the person I am. For me to live my life as if I were somebody else, for the purpose of their affection, is a life not worth living.

    You Val you are Wonder Woman. You are the cool side of the pillow. You are that initial burst of cold air after coming inside on a hot and muggy day. You are VAL.

    These truths are not coming to you from some hack. You are well aware that it has been documented by a prestigious writer, that I Tom Nardone have consistently put the “Awe” in “Awesome”. This is a responsibility that I willingly put upon myself. It is one that I would not see tarnished by forgery or falsehood.

    I say all that to say this:

    I love you Val. You are my dear friend. You once told me that I could do something and I didn’t believe you, but you were right, and i did it. Today this stands as one of my most significant achievements in my life.

    You told me I was great, awesome, and brilliant. Through your comments you have sustained my fragile male ego.

    I now today believe that I am an amazing writer. You did have a role in this.

    I have never given this to anyone else so I want you to consider yourself above many, as I present to you the first ever “Tom Nardone Stamp of Awesomeness Award”

    You deserve it; you earned. There is only one rule for accepting this award:

    Rule 1 – Never Change!

    • Tom, your wife is a lucky woman. You are a fighter and quick to jump up and defend friends even from themselves. This is a quality to be much admired. Don’t worry, all will be well. I did not encourage you lightly but only pushed what already existed inside of you. Hack? You? No, not hardly that You, you are Tom Nardone, the Awesome. This has already been established.

      Thanks Tom

  24. When someone tells you you are not good enough, it usually means that they aren’t good for you! From this article I get the impression you are hanging out with the wrong crowd! Of course you are good enough, everyone is good enough. Could we be better? Maybe, but that is our choice to make and not someone else’s. Love yourself, get rid of the bad influences in your life and good things will come to you. Promise!

    • I suspect the voice inside is the worst to hang out with. The voice of history the hardest to shed.

      Could we always be better than what we are today? Yes, of course. But sometimes it is enough, enough to simply work at gratitude, find our silent places and work at love.

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