Weekend Coffee Share: It isn’t that

imagesIf we were having coffee I would have asked you to come to my house, I know odd but it might be the last time I am able to host you here and it is important to me. I would pour you a cuppa of my favorite blend, cut with chicory and strong enough to stand a spoon upright in, offer you a selection of sweet creams and sugars before we settled in. Look out the back window, my Lavender is starting to come in I am truly going to miss that view, I cut them back in January so they would come in heavy this spring.

This past month has seen too many changes, decisions and strange happenings. I am underwater most of the time simply trying to catch my breath or is it hold my breath in between sinking. Having a house on the market, dang it isn’t easy. In fact, it is hard. Add to just the normal, keeping it in ‘show’ ready condition all the time as if I don’t actually live here, is the barrage of strangers walking through my home. It is an uncomfortable feeling, at best it is uncomfortable.

I had a contract, went through inspection fairly unscathed and then the appraisal came in extraordinarily low, specifically $70,000 low. Even the buyers’ bank questioned the competency of the appraiser and they have ordered a new one at their expense. In the meantime, the house is back on the market and I am questioning my sanity. The original buyers are not happy they will have to make a new offer after the new appraisal (on Wednesday), but they are the ones that wanted their earnest money back.

Why, why am I putting myself through this? But then, I look around and realize I simply cannot sustain myself in this house any longer. I cannot maintain this house, without help. It is no longer a home and though there are many things I truly love, I cannot live here alone anymore. Is what I am planning risky? Yes, surely it is. But then, without risk there is no life. I would tell you, if I can do this and come out on the right side of it all in the end maybe I can get some of my life back.

If we were having coffee I would tell you about my current contract and how my hours have been cut from 36 to somewhere in the neighborhood of 12. How I am now looking for my next contract and it will likely force me to travel again, the very last thing I wanted to do. The mantra of ‘getting my life back’ is looking more impossible all the time. Just when I am trying for more normalcy it is looking as if it is slipping away from me.

I would tell you, I am truly tired. Bone tired and scared too. I didn’t think this would be my life at nearly sixty years old. I thought it would be something much different. I would tell you how hard it is to write at this time, though I have so much to say with words bouncing in my head and hurting me sometimes with the need let them fly, I find more solace in my journals than actual writing for consumption. My natural inclination toward isolation has been in the forefront these days and even blogging has seemed to public, too much like giving up space.

I would tell you how difficult love is, all of it. Friends and family worry about me, they don’t see me or hear from me in any of the normal ways I interact, none of the snarky social media daily posts, none of the morning texts to say I love them. I would tell you though, I am trying to sort out my space and my world in a way that makes sense to me. Trying to frame love, all of it in a way that makes sense to me. Sometimes, love is hard. Especially when you aren’t young and innocent anymore, instead you have had a full life and some disappointments and hurts, you can’t approach love with the same wide-eyed wonder. Love is hard, especially when you know yourself, when you know who you are and what you want and need from life. Finding a partner with luggage as battered as your own, who won’t judge your monsters, well that is damned near a miracle. I would tell you, love is a miracle all of its own.

After I had rambled on, likely with tears at some point because my tears seem to come easily lately I would ask you to jump in and tell me what is going on in your world. I would hope you have had a more uplifting week, maybe good news even something silly we could giggle about. I promise you, I would listen throughout.

CoffeeShare2

Comments

  1. Have you got unsweetened almond milk? No? OK, that black thick coffee you talk of…I’ll have a cuppa that.

    So you know Val, I like to get the chat off to the right start, so true story….. last week a friend and I went for a long walk around our city. They have just built a brand spanking new quay with all these high tech, state of the art, mod con (justifying the cost) public amenities . Anywho, we were walking along minding our own beeswax when we heard this banshee like scream coming from our left and we both turned our heads just in time to see the automatic door on the public toilet open with a horrified woman, pants down around her ankles still sitting on the loo. Evidently, she had run out of time (yes they are on timers) and without a reset button to press she had nowhere to run or hide. It would have felt like the whole world was peering in , as the loo is position right at the back of this enormous space ( wheelchair friendly design). If it was any consolation we were just as mortified as she was.

    Now you are laughing. My job here is done xxx

    • They time you using the public restrooms? Gawd why in the world would they do that?

      I am dying here. That is terrible, tragic and funny as hell.

      Thank you

  2. Val.. So pleased you poured me that Cuppa, Mine is Tea no sugar 🙂 as you also poured out your heart Val. as we’re sat, I would say you are doing exactly what is right for you right now.. That deep down you are following the flow of your gut and that I know the wait and the uncertainty will all have been worth it..
    For I feel by Autumn you will have turned a corner that has been so long in rounding the bend..
    And if I was sat at your side Val.. I would be telling you how some days how I have to force myself to open my lap top.. As I enter the world of many lives who are also struggling right now.. With health, family, and finance.. And how some days I wish I could disappear into oblivion..
    And how many write in journals, pounding out their thoughts that never see the light of day again as the pages turn over..
    And I would say to you Val.. As I reach over and give you a massive big hug.. You are not alone in this.. Never feel that you are.. And allow the tears to flow… They come to wash out the old wounds, as New beginnings start to take shape as you let go of the old..
    And I would tell you Val.. Never to give up on Love.. For there is always some one whose own luggage is just as heavy, who is wanting someone just as strong to help carry it along…
    And as I drained my cup.. I would remind you, how beautiful you are and how much that cup of kindness meant to me..
    And like its liquid I know you will find your own level… Trust.. Keep the final outcome clear in your head.. Stop doubting.. Create a Vision Board and watch the doors open.. There are many doors out there waiting to be opened.. And I know you have not gone through all you have in life Val, to give in..
    Trust in the Plan.. And if you are asking what Plan?.. That maybe that’s why you are stuck.. You need to create one in detail.. Of what it is YOU want..
    Remember the Universe brings us our desires.. Keep your end in focus.. And the sky is the limit.. 🙂

    Love and Hugs dear Val.. Thank you for that cuppa.. Sue ❤

  3. Black, please, Val! Thanks for inviting me. Any house with lavender would attract me. Perhaps that new appraisal will be even better for you. And may it sell and give you more independence. and freedom. (My daughter is not that much younger than you and I know love is not easy for her as a twice divorced woman.) Something that would make you giggle right now from my life? Husband has quit drinking because of medical concerns but I am still having wine although I feel slightly guilty as he insists on opening the bottle. Oh, well, more for me! But I have cut back.

    Seriously, Val, I can understand your apprehension. I have been alone with two small children to care for and support and my mother was dead. It is not easy. You are stronger than you think! Hugs and good thoughts going your way. Keep us posted. Next time come to my house for strong coffee, smiles and hugs!

    • Black it is. I like mine with just a drop of Italian Sweet Cream… Just a drop.

      Now that is funny, but sweet man for still opening the bottle. Oh, my friend, I know I will get through this I am just struggling with the battle right now. Thank you though, all the positive thoughts help.

  4. Coffee with a dash of cream please … Sorry to see you are struggling … while wondering about the strong, independent woman to I expected to find. I’m not sure what I’d say. … besides Be Strong, Val!

    • Oh Frank, she is there. That is why the decisions I am making are mine and mine alone. Being strong doesn’t mean those decisions are not scary, doesn’t mean sometimes I don’t feel alone and scared. Simply means, I don’t stay down on the floor in my puddle for too very long.

  5. So sorry to hear you’re struggling, Valentine. When it rains it pours is a cliche for a reason: because it’s so true. May the next things that come in waves be only good ones for you.

    • Far too true Carrie. It does feel like that right now. I know there is an end to it. Just doesn’t feel as if it is the end I want. You know, sometimes we all have to see through it.

  6. I’ve been there. Stuck in house, in an area I didn’t enjoy, waiting to move forward, it was a challenging time. i feel your pain. living in a house that cannot appear you live there, dropping everything for another showing. Dealing with the crazy terms, inspectors and appraisals. I hope you get through it quickly. Limbo sucks.

    I’d have cream and sugar in my coffee and enjoy the chicory flavor. I’d listen, empathize and hear what you are not saying.

    I also work for myself and it’s scary. Freeing but scary. I hope the next opportunity meets your needs and have limited travel.

    Hugs from lower Alabama.

  7. And if we were having coffee, I’d say, “black, please” and then I would listen to what you have to say. And then listen some more.

  8. Great Post 👍

  9. And if we were having coffee, I’d listen. When I am going through bad times, I wonder who the fuck led us to expect something wonderful in life. And then the good times come back, and it no longer matters. I hope that your good days come back quickly and that things go well with the appraisal and sale. $70K WTF????

  10. \\\Renèe A. Schuls-Jacobson\\\ says:

    Val.

    You take my breath away. I’m going thru changes, too. Or rather, I’m starting to figure out what I want to do and make plans. I’ve never been the planner, the decision maker. I’ve always been a passionate soul who brings joy to other people, lifts them up. I need someone in my life to be my cheerleader. Going thru a divorce is terrifying. Like you, I feel alone and afraid much of the time. I’ve lost so many friends and the disconnection is hard for me, a person who craves intimacy. I literally pray dozens of times each day to find a partner who understand me, accepts me, warts and all. As you said, love is complicated and despite the fact my friends tell me I’ll meet someone eventually, well…that’s their optimism. They are safe in their relationships and look at me as having the opportunity for travel and adventures. But I’m tired. I’m 48, and I didn’t think I’d be so alone at this point in my life. I feel I am truly being tested.

    This summer, while my son is at camp, I plan to travel to a few places to see if they might feel more like home. I’d like to be near a beach, near the ocean, so I’m exploring the possibility of starting over Florida. The type of partner I want will love to be outdoors, love the sun, love the sand, love to paint or appreciate art (at least). He will like to talk, but he will know how to listen, too. One look from him from across the room & I’ll come undone. I want to touch and be touch by someone who likes to touch and be touched. He doesn’t have to be rich, but he has to be responsible for himself. I try to believe this type of person might be out there.

    Anyway, if you have any interest in moving to Florida, check it out. I’ll be where you are in just over a year.

    And then what?

    I guess I’ll just have to be prepared to take some of those risks to which you were referring. > > >

    • I think we simply sit, breath and start to let our wings flutter so the air can lift us up.

      I hope you know, love will find you when you are ready. Each thing in its time my friend. Each thing in its time.

  11. Reblogged this on The Militant Negro™.

  12. Hopefully things work out for the best.

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