If We Were Having Coffee-Circles Unbroken

If we were having coffeeimages we might have it here, in my small but a little bit cozy apartment. I still haven’t fully unpacked, there are a few boxes I have no clue what they contain. I struggle to figure out how to organize the bits and pieces, but have finally decided maybe I simply don’t need too right at this moment in time (more later). I would offer you a seat either at my table, on the couch or outside on the porch overlooking the pool, what is on offer is a selection of hot or cold beverages today. Yes, I still have the Tequila in the freezer but I am not feeling the need, happy to provide some for you though if you feel as if it will help you through the day.

It has been terrible out in the world, hasn’t it? I remain stunned by the lack of viable candidates for POTUS from the two major political parties. I stand ashamed for us as a nation that this is what we have to choose from. The USA has for years called themselves the leader of the free world and we have stomped through the world as if we had the right to be there, telling others how to run their nations. We have plowed through nations, as if we had the moral obligation to ‘right’ the wrongs. I believe we can safely say, we are not the moral / ethical standard bearers of jack shit any longer. We haven’t been for a very long time, probably for far longer than any of us realize but with this election cycle I think it is safe to say we can put down our national ego, tuck our tails between our legs and keep our happy asses at home.

The news has been full of terrible and tragic. I can hardly bring myself to turn on the television anymore. Worse yet, though we seem to have a plethora of reasons to take a hard look at ourselves and make changes, those we have put in charge don’t seem to be aligned with us. Forty-nine dead in Orlando at the hand of a maniac, two young girls dead at the hand of their mother in Houston and still nothing. Congress people ‘sitting in’ on the floor of the House, deemed nothing more than a ‘publicity stunt’ by a tone deaf House Speaker, while a nation clamors for change. The DNC ignoring the voices of millions to define a platform for the future distinctly not Progressive and not inclusive of those who have said ‘Never Hillary’, nearly insuring a future Trump presidency.

Abraham Lincoln said, “America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.”

I believe we are seeing the beginning of the end of our once great nation.

Maybe I will take some of that Tequila after all, what about you?

If we were having coffee I would have to turn the conversation toward some better subjects, this one has been a bit morose. Honestly, when I sold my house and moved to this apartment I thought I would be here for at least six months. The market in Dallas is hot and rough right now, houses come on and off in the blink of the eye, they are also expensive and I was beginning to think I was going to be priced out of the market. Honestly? I was getting a little bit afraid, thinking maybe I had made a rash decision in selling my house. Well lo and behold, I simply needed to broaden my mind and my search field. Not only did I find something that suits me quite well, I made an offer, but I am in the tail end of the escrow process.


Not there yet mind you. The inspection is done, out of this there were some concessions made and I am happy. The appraisal should be back next week and I don’t expect any surprises. My finance package is with the underwriter and though there are always questions because of my status as a ‘contractor’ and private business owner, I honestly don’t expect any real problems. The house is fun, it is 2,400 sq. ft. all on one floor. It is imperfect, just the way I like it, needs work but it isn’t a disaster. Built in 1976, it has great potential to be fabulous! There are some things I will do before ever moving in and other things I will do over the next two years to make it entirely mine.

Things to do before moving a stick of furniture into the house:

  • Fix all faulty AC venting
  • Fix plumbing in master bath
  • Remove all carpeting and tile throughout house and replace with stained concrete or hardwood
  • Repaint entire interior
  • Replace exterior door hardware
  • Install security system
  • Remove screen door
  • Widen interior office door (converted garage) and hang Barn Doors
  • Replace electric kitchen appliances with gas (oven and stove)

Seems like a long list doesn’t it? I know it seems daunting to me too. But honestly it isn’t that bad, either cost or effort wise. Most of it is small stuff, likely the worst one on there (cost) is the floors, I simply cannot tolerate carpet though. The funny thing about this little gem in the rough? It is a ‘flipped’ house, the current owner put lipstick on a pig, clearly watched far too many house flipping shows but didn’t pay attention to the important stuff, thus ended up having to pay $5,000 in repair concessions which will go a long ways toward my ‘things I have to do’ budget.


Assuming all goes well, I will close on the house 11-July and all the work will be done within 30 days. So I will be living in my new home by 1-September. Exciting stuff.

One more thing that is sort of exciting, if you have followed along with me for a while you might remember a few years ago when I wrote about the Grown Assed Man, here and here that I wanted in my life. It has taken me a while, it has taken a few missteps and a couple of stumbles. It has been a difficult time of resets, finding my own personal comfort zones and learning that I am first very good company and second a very good person and woman. When I finally found my way through all that, I also figured out what I wrote in Grown Assed Man Parts 1 and 2, that really was in large part all of it, what I wanted and needed in a partner/lover and that I deserved it all. The other thing I discovered? I deserved to have it all, but having it all was different today than I thought. Today having it all meant retaining my independence and personal ‘self’ even while growing into a commitment that might just be with that Grown Assed Man I wrote about.

So that is what has been going on, just small things. I hope as always you are doing well and you will tell me what is going on with you. As usual I have taken over the entire conversation. I do want to share this with you, I found it recently and it has stuck with me, I hope you find it as poignant as I have.



If We Were Having Coffee: Out of Control

imagesIf we were having coffee we would finally have to find a coffee shop, my house is in chaos as I try to sort thirteen years of ‘hoarding’ in a week. What the hell was I thinking? Order anything you want, really it is on me just for the company.

Saturday, my sister from another mother Red of M3 fame and I, sat out in fabulous Texas sun and conducted the first of what will be three (3) garage sales. We didn’t do too terribly badly though both of us forgot our sun screen and both of us turned a bit pink by the end of the day, her far more than I. It was interesting to see what people bought, fascinating really. I have only one thing to say about this entire garage sale thing, well maybe two; (1) I am not taking a single thing back, what doesn’t sell is either being donated or going into the trash; (2) really people offer me a different price, don’t steal.


Red’s Sun Burn

If we were having coffee I would tell you about my penchant for order and having things always in place in my surroundings, I might be a little bit OCD. I told someone last night I was not doing well in the chaos, it is the truth, and last night I crawled into my spare bed and cried myself to sleep. There are so many things still to do, so many things still to sort, so many things without a home or needing a decision and I don’t know where to start or how to get it all done by Thursday. If you are wondering why I had to crawl into the spare bed, well I was able to sell the master bedroom suite, bed and all. Sleeping in the new bed makes me realize just how spoiled I have been with all that space.

The other thing I have realized through this process, while I am not really a hoarder, I have amassed an ungodly amount of miscellaneous stuff. Stuff from travels, stuff from wandering through life, mementos; just stuff. Now I am sorting through it all, some of it makes me laugh as I remember where and when I picked it up, other times I just sit down wherever I am and let the memory wash over me.  Then there are the books, every single book I love, years of book collecting. Books of escapism, books for research, antique books, books for words and cookbooks. I am going to store the collection that remains after the purge, but the harder part was letting go, so many books to just let go.

If we were having coffee I would have to tell you about my adventure with Verizon/Frontier Communications. Last week has been special, I will tell you this has pushed me over the edge and came at a time where I really was staring into the abyss already so didn’t need anything else. When I woke up at 4am last Wednesday, I wandered up to my office to check e-mail and wander through social media, hopefully get some blog reading done and see what was going on in the world only to discover I had no internet connectivity. Like any reasonable person would do, I reset my router, then I turned it on and off, then I reset it again and again and again. No luck, nothing worked. So I waited until Verizon/Frontier tech services opened at 7am. You should know, Verizon sold off their businesses to Frontier last month. Just for extra background, you should also know I have a business account, my Service Agreement with Verizon was my account could not have down service time for more than 24 hours, it is why I pay a premium for my services.

Wednesday morning I called. They told me to reset my router. Just for shit and giggles I did, ten (10) more times between 7:30am and 1pm. Yes, that is how long I was on the phone with them the first time, granted most of that time was spent on hold. The second call that day was to customer service, where I finally got someone to agree to a service order for a technician to be sent out the following day. That person mentioned my Service Agreement must be verbal, she couldn’t see the Verizon agreement for 24 hours. Oddly though, when I placed the order to move services to the new apartment and stated I did not want to move my landline she could see the $498 penalty I would have to pay for dropping services but couldn’t see the Service Level Agreement of 24 Hour Down Time, interesting.


Thursday came and went, without a Technician. I called, at noon and they said they couldn’t tell me when because Frontier doesn’t do service windows. I called at 3pm and they told me I would have to call back at 5pm, the last dispatch. I called back at 5pm, the lovely little man at the other end of the phone explained they had never dispatched because the ticket had been turned over to the VOIP department, until that department released the ticket no tech would be dispatched, he couldn’t tell me when that would be. I called Friday, same discussion but now I have been without services which includes both internet and television for three (3) days and am told I will not have services over the weekend either. So I tell the nice little man in Customer Service I intend to cancel all services, can you guess what happens next? Not only can he not find the original order to move those services to the new apartment but he has the unmitigated gall to tell me the penalty for cancellation would be $1,329, really?

Frontier, has cost me five days of potential work, has prevented me from looking for work, has breached their contract with me and actually believes they will charge me a penalty for cancelling services they are unable to deliver…….really? I admit, I lost my temper. I admit what came out of my mouth was impolite. I had finally been pushed over the edge.

If we were having coffee I would tell you, don’t try this alone. Don’t try to move alone. Don’t try to pack alone. Don’t try to do any of this alone. It is too hard. I know it is nearly over, nearly at the end. But honestly? My nerves are so frayed I am snapping, I know I am forgetting things, I know I am going to lose friends before it is all said and done. Clearly, I haven’t been to visit any of you for weeks. It isn’t because I don’t want to, believe me I could use a break and something positive right now. I will be back though, I will get back to you, I will start reading again, commenting again, interacting again and writing again even. Maybe I will even share some more positive stuff happening in my world, things that don’t suck (there are a few).

I really hope you would interrupt me now and then, jump in and tell me what you have been up to. I truly do hope you have had a better time of it than me, I would love to live vicariously through you!

If you pray, pray for me. If you don’t well laugh alongside me while I finish this move. Next week, despite it all I am off to Hot Springs for a few days of R & R.


Weekend Coffee Share: One Down

imagesIf we were having coffee I would be sitting at my table and hoping you would share it with me. If you want tea, I would be sure to show you the slim pickings I have to brew (sorry), or you can share my pot of thick as mud cowboy coffee. Yes, there is plenty of creamer selections, sugars and honey.

Things sure have been up in the air this past week, sometimes I think this is a trial by fire just to see how determined I am to set to rights what is wrong. It has been all I could do not to snap at those I love, not to crawl into my closet and stay there, not to fall to my knees and beg the universe for mercy.

The final appraisal was Good Enough, the buyers have said yes to one stipulation I have said yes too selling for less than I wanted to sell for. We all have agreed to some terms that were not in the original contract, hopefully in the next few hours we will have a final contract to sign and it will be done with a closing date within this month, then I can move on from here. New life, new choices to make. I won’t be entirely happy with the outcome but honestly I will be in better condition than I have been.

I would proudly show you how I have started clearing out cabinets in anticipation of moving. Even with everything in the air and not knowing till just a few hours ago I tried to keep a positive view on this process. Then I would point to the full up baskets of CD’s, well over 1,500 I have already ripped to my IPod. This represents about half my music collection, it is a painful process to get them all onto my IPod finally but I swore this time I wasn’t carrying them with me, not again. I am finally going digital on this one thing at least. Will I get finished before moving day? Surely I do hope so, one less thing to think about, pack and carry.

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There is so much more to do, closet upon closet to clear out. Decisions to make about what to keep, what to sell and what to donate. What will go to a very small apartment with me, meaning what I absolutely cannot live without and what will go to storage until I find my next permanent home. So many things to consider, so many choices to make. I wander through my home today and think there are many things I take for granted in my life, many things of great beauty I hardly see until now that I must actually look at them and remind myself of their stories.

If we were having coffee today I would tell you about my week of introspection. How I have been thinking about family, friends and lovers (past and present). I would try to open my heart to you about how I have too often pushed people away for fear of being hurt even while I loved them. I would tell you about my natural inclination to take care of others within relationships, whether family or otherwise, how I am happier when I am taking care of others than when I am having to be constantly in charge, the boss, the strong one. I would try to explain how difficult it is for me to constantly be on guard, to be in charge, to feel uncared for and not trust others to catch me if I fall. This has been part of my week of introspection, part of what has driven me inside of myself.

I would tell you I recognize my strength, my competency and my ability to take care of myself. I understand I am able to stand up for myself, live alone and be happy alone even. I realize how much I have survived in my lifetime, that in truth it is more than most. I am good with my life as it is. I am good with the decisions and choices I have made. I am good with the person I am, with the outcomes of my life. Being strong, it doesn’t change my inner core, who I am or what makes me happy. It doesn’t change what I want in the future or the type of relationships that work for me. This is what I am discovering. I am also discovering, I will not settle for less than what makes me happy not from family, friends or lovers. It is vital I stand up and ask for what I need or I will continue to not get it.

This is what I would tell you over coffee, that all of us should always ask for what we need and expect to get it.

After I finished my ramble I would hope you would jump in and tell me how your life was going this week, what is happening in your world (beside the terrible of the political season). I am going to hope you world has had some joy. I promise you, I would listen without interruption.


Weekend Coffee Share: It isn’t that

imagesIf we were having coffee I would have asked you to come to my house, I know odd but it might be the last time I am able to host you here and it is important to me. I would pour you a cuppa of my favorite blend, cut with chicory and strong enough to stand a spoon upright in, offer you a selection of sweet creams and sugars before we settled in. Look out the back window, my Lavender is starting to come in I am truly going to miss that view, I cut them back in January so they would come in heavy this spring.

This past month has seen too many changes, decisions and strange happenings. I am underwater most of the time simply trying to catch my breath or is it hold my breath in between sinking. Having a house on the market, dang it isn’t easy. In fact, it is hard. Add to just the normal, keeping it in ‘show’ ready condition all the time as if I don’t actually live here, is the barrage of strangers walking through my home. It is an uncomfortable feeling, at best it is uncomfortable.

I had a contract, went through inspection fairly unscathed and then the appraisal came in extraordinarily low, specifically $70,000 low. Even the buyers’ bank questioned the competency of the appraiser and they have ordered a new one at their expense. In the meantime, the house is back on the market and I am questioning my sanity. The original buyers are not happy they will have to make a new offer after the new appraisal (on Wednesday), but they are the ones that wanted their earnest money back.

Why, why am I putting myself through this? But then, I look around and realize I simply cannot sustain myself in this house any longer. I cannot maintain this house, without help. It is no longer a home and though there are many things I truly love, I cannot live here alone anymore. Is what I am planning risky? Yes, surely it is. But then, without risk there is no life. I would tell you, if I can do this and come out on the right side of it all in the end maybe I can get some of my life back.

If we were having coffee I would tell you about my current contract and how my hours have been cut from 36 to somewhere in the neighborhood of 12. How I am now looking for my next contract and it will likely force me to travel again, the very last thing I wanted to do. The mantra of ‘getting my life back’ is looking more impossible all the time. Just when I am trying for more normalcy it is looking as if it is slipping away from me.

I would tell you, I am truly tired. Bone tired and scared too. I didn’t think this would be my life at nearly sixty years old. I thought it would be something much different. I would tell you how hard it is to write at this time, though I have so much to say with words bouncing in my head and hurting me sometimes with the need let them fly, I find more solace in my journals than actual writing for consumption. My natural inclination toward isolation has been in the forefront these days and even blogging has seemed to public, too much like giving up space.

I would tell you how difficult love is, all of it. Friends and family worry about me, they don’t see me or hear from me in any of the normal ways I interact, none of the snarky social media daily posts, none of the morning texts to say I love them. I would tell you though, I am trying to sort out my space and my world in a way that makes sense to me. Trying to frame love, all of it in a way that makes sense to me. Sometimes, love is hard. Especially when you aren’t young and innocent anymore, instead you have had a full life and some disappointments and hurts, you can’t approach love with the same wide-eyed wonder. Love is hard, especially when you know yourself, when you know who you are and what you want and need from life. Finding a partner with luggage as battered as your own, who won’t judge your monsters, well that is damned near a miracle. I would tell you, love is a miracle all of its own.

After I had rambled on, likely with tears at some point because my tears seem to come easily lately I would ask you to jump in and tell me what is going on in your world. I would hope you have had a more uplifting week, maybe good news even something silly we could giggle about. I promise you, I would listen throughout.


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