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Heart Reflection

December 30, 2023 by

Some days, I drag you out of the place I store memories

I have entire conversations with you;

In them, I consider how things might have been;

What should I have done that I didn’t do?

If I had been easier, more compliant,

Or maybe just less than;

Would it have been different for us?

Then, when I finish the conversation;

Between you and I, in my head;

I realize the outcome is always the same;

If I were less and you were more;

You would still have walked away.

You would have still been you;

The you that always sought more than me;

The you that didn’t see in front of you;

Beyond your own need to be more;

The you that didn’t feel my heartbeat;

And I know that I would have still been shattered.

But you that couldn’t love me;

Because you only loved you;

And I was never the reflection you wanted;

I was the mirror, your gaze turned away from.

When I finish my conversations in my head;

My heart hurts for lost time and pain.

But like so many other things in life;

I let you go back to the place;

Where I hold other things of memory;

The demons of past loves and destruction;

I know I will drag you out again;

If only to remind me why I let you go;

It is my nature to dance with my own demons.

30-Dec-23

Filed Under: Poetry Tagged With: , , , ,

Dear God XII

December 27, 2023 by

Dear God, Happy belated Birthday. Most of us know December 25th isn’t your birthday but a pagan holiday, but whatever floats the Christian boat is just fine, and it does result in some good after-Christmas sales. Okay, now that is out of the way, can we talk? I have a few bones to pick with you. I know, when don’t I, right? But really, God, don’t you think this is getting a bit ridiculous? I know, tis the season and all that jazz, but come on, can’t you blast some folk for special effects if for no other reason? I bet you think all those weather events are making people stop and think, but God, you, and I both know people are especially stupid these days.

Dear God, did you plan it this way? I know the Bible says so; however, as anyone with half a brain knows, the King James Bible was written by a bunch of European men with agendas, and not good ones. I know that it wasn’t your intention to create this level of ugly, this schism within humanity.  So, let’s talk about the Old Testament for just a quick second. Can we do that without offense?

Dear God, have you looked down on Israel, on your Chosen People? Have you seen them in their fury and what they are doing? I am not pretending to know all the truth, but one truth I am certain of babies are innocent, children are innocent, and many others who are maimed, dying, starving, and living in fear of the next bomb or next bullet are innocent of this unrelenting war of retribution. They say, God, that given enough time, a people can become what they fear or what they hate; maybe it is time you hold up a mirror for your Chosen to look into. What did you tell Abraham, oh yes, that he would be the father of nations (Genesis 17) through his sons Ishmael and Isaac, and thus the lines were drawn from then to now. You set them up and knock them down. Maybe it is time to remind all the people that your names are many, and the children of Abram all worship one God, not many, not different, but One.

Dear God, let’s talk about the unrelenting and terrible mess we have made of it here in the speck of dust we call the United States for a minute, if you don’t mind. For a brief minute, we appeared to have made some progress; you know, people were beginning to act like they had sense; they weren’t so hate-filled, so fear-filled, so damned scared of the ‘other’ that seemed to loom around every corner. It seems we have taken several large steps backward, and it is just plain ugly. We have the self-righteous leading, the self-pitying into pits of fiery hate and embracing ignorance. Compassion is considered a weakness; these monsters that once hid in dark rooms now preach from pulpits and scream their sacrilege through the televisions of every home in this nation. Their poison infects the hearts and minds of millions, even calling your greatest commandments weak and your word incompatible with today’s world while continuing to call themselves Christians (albeit White Nationalist Christians).

Dear God, I know many say it is the End of Days. Maybe it is. I was never a big fan of that part of the Bible. It was rather dreary. Maybe I will go back to my Torah and Talmud and read what those pesky Europeans left out. I don’t know if it will make me feel any better about all the nonsense being spewed by those who get their information from television preachers with 5th-grade reading levels, the comprehension of fire ants after a rain storm, and a propensity to hate rather than love. I am about as weary as it is possible to be with scallywags and cocksure conmen leading the nation into ruin, in your name. Aren’t you tired yet?

Dear God, just a little prayer for myself at the end of this. I know I make fun of it, laugh about it, and play strong for the crowd because what else am I going to do? But God, I grow tired of being constantly alone and I don’t want to burden my sons when they have so much else to worry about. I feel my body fail some days, and I am afraid. If this year has taught me nothing, it has taught me I can’t do it all, and being by myself all the time isn’t healthy. I know I chose this, if I could I would unchoose, but that isn’t possible. So maybe God, look down and help me find the necessary grace, loosen the fear on my heart.

Filed Under: Series: Dear God Tagged With: , , ,

Anything for Love

December 26, 2023 by

I always loved Meatloaf; I know it’s a strange way to start this, but it’s fitting. Take my word for it. In the song, “I Would Do Anything for Love,” four promises are made; most don’t realize this when they listen and constantly wonder what the singer won’t do for love.

If you pay attention to the chorus of the song, each time there is a promise and in that promise is what the singer will not do. Most people never realize this twist in the song written by Jim Steinman and released by Meatloaf in 1993.

“Oh I would do anything for love
But I won’t do that, no I won’t do that”

Well, I can tell you without a doubt that these tired men out here have a litany of things they will not do, not for love or anything else. But whooee baby, do they want to know what you (me) will do for them, and damned if they don’t want to know in great detail.

What is this dial-a-babe? I think you have the wrong number, but I have some spare time so let’s play who has the best imagination, shall we?

Him: I am looking for a long-term relationship. Someone with morals, standards, and values. Someone I can trust and tell my secrets to, who will have my back and wants to make a life with me.

Me: What does that look like for you?

Him: I have six grown children and fourteen grandchildren; I want to find a woman who can be part of my family. Who has humor, can embrace a large family, and wants to make me part of hers. I also enjoy travel and want someone who enjoys seeing new places and cultures.

So far so good, right? This guy is kind of great. Right up my alley. Polite, articulate. Big family, so he understands family dynamics. His profile is funny and articulate, so he had me at the humor! He is a little younger than me, but only by a couple of years, and bonus he is rather nice on the eyes.

The conversation continued with some back-and-forth chatting for a bit, and then he dropped a bombshell.

Him: Usually, women your age don’t want sexually intimate relationships. What is your stance on this?

Me: Have you dated many women my age, or is this simply your online experience?

Him: Only my online experience.

Me: Well maybe it is your approach to the subject. Most of the women I know my age love sex. The problem is that men our age are incapable of accomplishing the goal.

Him: I don’t understand.

Me: Right. Mentioning a woman’s age in the same sentence as you approach sexual intimacy is usually not going to get you very far. That’s like saying to a woman, “I think you are a brilliant conversationalist, but you are too old to fuck.”

Him: Oh. Got it. I don’t think you needed to be that crude though. But I do see what you mean.

Me: I tend to be blunt when it is called for. I think beating around that bush wasn’t going to get the point across.

Him: So, you like sex?

Me: I love sex. With the right person and when the time is right.

Him: Do you like oral sex?

Me: Do you know how to perform oral sex?

Him: Oh, I meant do you like to perform oral sex?

Me: Yes, I know what you meant; the sword is two-edged, though, isn’t it? You are far too old to believe that you should receive without giving. With six children, you should also know how real sexual intimacy works; it starts in the mind. If you catch a woman’s mind, the heart follows; after that, you can ask for anything. But true sexual  intimacy is reciprocal. It is never all about one partner, or about what you like or what you get, while your woman is left wanting.

Him: I don’t like doing that. It doesn’t turn me on.

Me: Well, that is where your problem will always start and stay. Especially at this age when you can’t always depend on your little soldier coming to attention on command.

I haven’t heard back from him; I don’t expect to either. He made me laugh, though, and I thought I would share this one with you. At least he didn’t cuss me out when I challenged his manhood. This is the world of online dating at the getting-to-know-you phase. Delightful, isn’t it?

This is just one of so many. I can be snarky when it is called for. I try not to be, but there are days. What is wrong with these men? Really, what is wrong with them? These are not twenty-five-year-olds with an abundance of testosterone and decades of life ahead of them, these men are 55+, but you surely would not know it by they way they act. Oh well, maybe it is true; maybe some men never grow up.

Next up, the two actual dates I went on and why I wanted to find a brick wall.

Filed Under: Series: Single Life Tagged With: , , ,

This time of Year

December 24, 2023 by

Did you use to love this time of year, the entire spectacle of it? Getting ready, decorating the house, putting up the tree, preparing cookies…..you know, the whole Christmas thing.

I think there was a time when I liked Christmas, maybe not as much as others did. But I did like it. There was a time when I looked forward to going to the Texas Hill Country, where my beloved father and my heart mother hosted the family at Hearts Home. Where our Christmas traditions, both frivolous and heartfelt, were lovingly embraced? There was a time when my strangely dysfunctional and blended family came together with love, laughter, and acceptance of our quirks, and we felt blessed we were all there, together.

This was the time in our lives when we baked cookies that filled tubs and made rum balls that might have been more rum than anything else. My sons and I spent days taking orders from family for what kind of cookies we should bake that year; we always made too many, yet they were always gone by the end of the holiday weekend. Grandma always got her special order of Russian Tea Cookies in a special tin we selected each year just for her. One year, my eldest was in charge of the Rum Balls; he just kept pouring until he could work the dough; when those tins were opened several days later, you could get drunk off the fumes; they were the hit of the Christmas candies that year.

Christmas Eve was special. Homemade Eggnog so rich it made your toes curl, and the adult version had us all giggling once we got around the entire table with our gratitude toasts for the year. We never did find a dipper that worked, so there were inevitable spills. What we did do, was find a perfect plastic runner that made clean-up easier. The Gratitude Toasts were a special family tradition; every person in the family, from the youngest to the oldest, said what they were most grateful for, and all the family toasted, loudly then drank. It was inevitable that one of the men would always toast the women of the family, and much cheering would ensue; it was recognized that we were the heart, especially my beloved stepmother, who held us all together for many years.

Another special part of our Christmas Eve tradition was reading the Christmas story. It was always read by the youngest of the grandchildren, and if that child couldn’t read, Grandma read it to that child. No matter your particular persuasion, this was always a special moment for some reason. Perhaps it was simply the connection across the generations.

My family wasn’t big on gift-giving when it came to adults, but we certainly knew how to have fun. The children were given gifts on Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning. We played games; we spent time with each other. We ate far too much, and we talked. The most important thing, we talked. For those who played golf, my parents hosted the Valentine Family Open and even awarded a jacket to the winner each year; it was a weird big deal and full of pageantry and hilarity.

I miss Christmas with my family. I miss my parents desperately during this time of year and the kinship they built between all of us, coming from different places and people. I miss the love that flowed through Hearts Home and my gratitude for being part of that.

I think I use to like Christmas. I don’t think I like it much anymore. I hope you are with family and friends this year. I hope you find things to be grateful for and that you tell your family and friends that you are grateful for them, for their company, and that you are with them this day and the days to come.

Filed Under: Family Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Mud, Muck and Fear

December 23, 2023 by

Do you wonder sometimes what is wrong with people? Do you listen to what others say and think, “Do you believe what you are saying?”

I do.

There are days when I hear the words that fall from the mouths of strangers and people I thought I knew, and my head tips to the side in astonishment and dismay. Sometimes, I want to scream at them, “What is wrong with you? Are you stupid?”

I realize this isn’t a good response. I know in my heart I shouldn’t do this, and I don’t because it wouldn’t do a bit of good. Besides, they might actually take it as a challenge.

The truth is, though, I think people really are losing their ability to reason. I believe a large swath of the population has decided to accept blatant lies as unimpeachable gospel as long as those lies support their desired outcomes. This same group will say anything, do anything, and sacrifice anyone to gain and hold power over those they fear or despise.

Those with power play on the fears of those who want power. Those who want power, even false power, reach out toward the lies told with open arms and embrace it as if it were manna from the lips of the God they pretend to worship. When you listen to them justify their stance and reasoning, it is difficult not to weep or shake them until their necks snap. When you question them, and all you get is soundbites with zero truth, zero logic, and even less real-life foundation, it is nearly impossible not to scream at them, “You are a fecking idiot!”

We are a land of terrified White Men who see the world they once knew changing and who are willing to do anything, up to and including giving away democracy. What is fascinating and terrible about this is that most of those White Men are poor, under-educated, and under-employed. Truthfully, they are no better off and in some cases, worse off than the people they despise. What they know is that their hero has promised them a better, whiter world where they will thrive because they will once again be at the top of the food chain.

He has promised them a world where they are Kings once more. A world where they aren’t competing with Women, Black people, Hispanic people, Asian people, or any other Vermin. He has promised them a world where their sperm is safe, and they are free to impregnate without consequence. He has promised them a world where their insufficiencies will be rewarded without question. He has promised them a world where they are free to shoot to kill without paying a price for their fear of others. He has promised them a world where their ignorance, hate, greed, and inconsequential contributions to the betterment of society matter and everyone else’s lives will not.

He has promised them paradise.

Naturally, they are so ignorant they are incapable of reading between the lines of his rhetoric. What is truly stunning? His most devoted are nothing to him; they are cannon fodder in his war against the United States, against the Constitution, against democracy. They are nothing more than money to feed his never-ending need to pay his lawyers. But they don’t care; they just keep giving and giving as if a self-proclaimed billionaire would need their last $5.

Four indictments and ninety-one counts. It’s a witch hunt.

Business fraud? They lied and cheated; it’s a witch hunt.

Sexual molestation, guilty! They lied; it’s a witch hunt.

Nevermind their God-Hero worships the very worst autocrats and dictators of this century and the last. That he quotes them and exchanges love letters with them. He had friendly meetings with them before, during, and after his first presidency. Well, for some reason, his worshippers seem to think this makes him all that much more worthy of respect and worship.

I sometimes sit in disbelief and wonder what the Hell is wrong with these people, these pseudo-Christian pretend patriots. What in all God’s love happened to them that made them go this wrong?

I have no answer. I only know this. The soul of this nation is on the line, and these people have lost their way; from the top down, they have sold their souls to power and are willing to sell this nation into Hell to keep it.

I know this, we are in a fight for our lives and our freedom. We cannot afford silence. We cannot afford complacency. We cannot afford to sit back and laugh at the ignorance of those on the other side any longer. It easy to hope the Devil will be found guilty of at least some of the charges brought against him. That hope isn’t enough to keep him off the ballot or out of the White House.

It is easy to complain about the age of Joe Biden or that you didn’t get everything you wanted in this administration. Okay, so what! That is what democracy is: negotiation and compromise all day and every day. I can only say this, maybe if more of you got out and voted at the local level and for every single mid-term, Joe Biden would have gotten more done.

Here is my one truth. I am terrified for my children, for my grandchildren and for all the young people I see every day at the High School behind my house. What kind of nation will we leave them if we don’t fight?

Filed Under: Op Ed, Presidential Election 2024 Tagged With: , , , , ,