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Picking My Battles Wisely

May 20, 2012 by

It is always wise to pick our battles, the ones we can win or at least not lose badly. It took me a long time to learn this lesson. Decades truthfully and I am not at all certain that I have fully embraced the concept yet, not fully internalized the idea of picking battles I can win. Nevertheless, there are some battles I have learned to let go, I no longer ride pell-mell into the fray without armor to slay all my dragons.

Don’t misunderstand from the above statement; I haven’t hung up my Lance just yet. I still yearn to ride out to slay evil doers and public menaces’, as well as, beat my surroundings into submission. Now though, well I think I am in not quite so much of a hurry as I once was. The small things that once made me crazed, they don’t send me screaming today; a crooked picture or random dust bunny won’t cause me to break out in a cold sweat. I am finding I can ignore the blatant foolishness of the political opposition, even in this an election year; well to a point I honestly haven’t beaten this one into complete submission yet. This day, today I think I have found there are larger battles, different windmills and more important wars even that I have to win if I am going to take my life back.

It seems it is the little things that are beginning to matter less to me. Not that the little things are making me more or less crazed as they once did, instead some of them are giving me less anxiety and sometimes even more pleasure even if they don’t get done exactly when I said I would do them. Now when the picture is crooked, I think to myself it might just look better that way, adding a bit of ambiance to the wall or the grouping. If the kitchen isn’t clean before I go to bed, I know it doesn’t mean anything really terrible about me as a woman, a wife or a human being it just means I didn’t feel like doing the stupid dishes or fighting with my husband about whose turn it was!

I use to believe (this was deep in my bones) if my home was not perfect it was a reflection on me, as a person. I also believed (this was also inbred deeply) I couldn’t ever stand up for myself and win the war, perhaps small battles along the way, but not the war. Where I would push for ‘right’ in my professional life and confront ‘wrong’ in public forums, I would cower in my private life afraid to confront what I knew bone-deep was outrageous. Whether this was outright bad behavior or simply ignoring my needs I would shrink from confronting friends and loved ones with what I needed to make my world right; doing the work myself rather than demanding from them they correct their behavior or help me.

These are small steps, tiny little steps to freedom. Picking the battles that I can win today doesn’t mean I will win them all, only that I can pick them and that just maybe losing a few won’t cause me to melt down. There are days I really wish people wouldn’t say to me “you’re so strong”. I have hidden all my weakness’ behind the armor of humor, pragmatism and ‘I don’t give a shit’ for nearly 70% of my life. Everyone in my life expects, even demands my strength, never allowing for a crack or a fault line. There are few in my life that don’t lean in and lean on, either begging or demanding something from me thinking I am bottomless, without end to my strength a wellspring for them to return to time and again.

I have a sneaking suspicion when I say enough, no more there will be some that draw back in shock and resentment. That I would dare to shut off the faucet may be met with more than a bit of ire, we shall see. I don’t know that I am ready for the fallout and it might hurt initially, friends and loved ones may be left on the battlefield of my new definition, perhaps that is where they should have been all along.

“A bad year and a bad month to all the backbiting bitches in the world!…” 
― Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, Don Quixote

Filed Under: Series: Broken Chains Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Duplicity with a Dash-Healthcare and the GOP

March 28, 2012 by

Hypocrisy with your morning Coffee?

Duplicity with your afternoon Tea?

Cognitive dissonance with your evening cocktail?

______________________________________________________________________

I have the answer for you, step right up, grab some popcorn, take a walk through the history of GOP turn tail, flip flop and back-peddle.

Before we go further, I need to define the words I use. I don’t want there to be any confusion as to my ‘name calling’.

Hypocrisy –
1. The practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess; falseness. 2. An act or instance of such falseness[i]

Duplicity –
a. Deliberate deceptiveness in behavior or speech. b. An instance of deliberate deceptiveness; double-dealing. 2. The quality or state of being twofold or double.[ii]

Cognitive Dissonance –
A condition of conflict or anxiety resulting from inconsistency between one’s beliefs and one’s actions, such as opposing the slaughter of animals and eating meat.[iii]

The three key characteristics are now defined these are what I consider vital to our walk through the past twenty years of the GOP (Grand Old Party, Gods Only Party, Ghastly Outdated Party, Greedy Obstructionist Prats) and their healthcare odyssey. In the past I have tried hard to not lift my skirts and step on my soapbox, I find today I am unable to do so, in fact I am stacking my soapbox several high and grabbing my megaphone, I can only say there is a great need for a wake-up call for many in this nation, time to get out of your cave and get real boys and girls.

Healthcare and the GOP

Mr. NICKLES (R), Mr. HATCH (R), Mr. MACK (R), Mr. BENNETT (R), Mr. BROWN (R), Mr. BURNS (R), Mr. COATS (R), Mr. COCHRAN (R), Mr. COVERDELL (R), Mr. CRAIG (R), Mr. DOLE (R), Mr. FAIRCLOTH (R), Mr. GREGG, Mr. HELMS (R), Mrs. HUTCHISON (R), Mr. KEMPTHORNE (R), Mr. LOTT (R), Mr. LUGAR (R), Mr. MURKOWSKI (R), Mr. SIMPSON (R), Mr. SMITH (R), Mr. STEVENS (R), Mr. THURMOND (R), Mr. WALLOP (R), and Mr. GRASSLEY (R)

Do you who they are? Those are the twenty-five (25) Republican Senators who co-sponsored the Consumer Choice Health Security Act (SB 1743) which included our first look, as a nation, at the Individual Mandate.  Can you guess when this was introduced? Well, let me take the mystery out of this, SB 1743 was introduced by the Republicans in the 103rd Congress on 20-November-1993.

Read those names again if you are wondering what that ‘R’ is it is the indication of their party affiliation. Several of these same Republicans are still in the Senate, still active in creating legislation. The question we have to ask ourselves is when the current administration proposed the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare did these co-sponsors of the previously failed shelved Republican Bill including the Individual Mandate jump on the opportunity to work in a bipartisan fashion with the new administration? What is your guess? Well let’s look at their record, shall we?

 

SB 1743

ObamaCare

Votes with Party

Approval Rating

COATS, Dan

YEA

*

93%

36%
COCHRAN, Thad

YEA

Nay

83%

16%
GRASSLEY, Chuck

YEA

Nay

89%

34%
HATCH, Orin

YEA

Nay

90%

33%
HUTCHISON, Kay Baily

YEA

Nay

88%

38%
LUGAR, Richard

YEA

Nay

92%

37%
* Daniel Coats was not in office during the fight for Obamacare, he has since though been vocal in his opposition of the Affordable Care Act both on the floor of the Senate and in his home state of Indiana.

Mitt Romney, Presidential Candidate 2012
Courtesy 2012 Talking Points Memo

Are you scratching your head and saying to yourself, that can’t be right, the Individual Mandate is a Socialist / Liberal policy introduced by those horrible Democrats in the Obama administration in an attempt to create BIG Government and take away your personal RIGHTS and LIBERTIES.

This is an amazing turn of events, isn’t it? Support of the Individual Mandate, not just support but the introduction of this Un-American, Un-Constitutional, Socialist takeover of our lives by those freedom-loving, free-market adoring Republicans. Wow, I mean just Wow. Even more fascinating is the lecture series by none other than the Heritage Foundation, the bastion of Conservative ideals it is here we find the framework of the Individual Mandate, it is here we see the origination for RomneyCare.

Not to be outdone though, we just have to wait a few years, thirteen to be exact. In 2007, during the zealous and patriotic administration of George Bush II we once again see our brave Senators come forward with a proposal for American health care, this time named Healthy Americans Act (SB 334), lo and behold, it is a bipartisan submission that includes, can you guess? That is right the Individual Mandate. This lovely piece of legislation was Sponsored by Senator Ron Wyden (D), the far more interesting list though are the Republican co-sponsors, shall we take a look?

 

Sponsored

SB 334 /SB 391

ObamaCare

Status Now
Alexander, Lamar [R]

Y / Y

Nay
Bennett, Robert F. [R]

Y / Y

Nay

Lost 2011
Coleman, Norm [R]

Y / N

NA

Lost 2009
Corker, Bob [R]

Y / N

Nay
Crapo, Mike [R]

Y / N

Nay
Grassley, Chuck [R]

Y / N

Nay
Gregg, Judd [R]

Y / Y

Nay

Lost 2010
Lott, Trent [R]

Y / na

NA

Left 2007
Smith, Gordon H. [R]

Y

Nay

This is just the quick leap from 1993 and the 103rd Congress to 2010 and 23-March-2010 and 111thCongress. There were, in fact, several other bills introduced in between these dates, all variations on a theme, all with

Newt Gingrich Speaker of the House, 104 Congress; Republican Presidential Candidate 2012
abcnewsgo.com

bipartisan support until President Barack Obama came into office and had the nerve to adopt that wonderful Republican idea for himself, what’s that you ask? You know INDIVIDUAL MANDATES that would be the one. During reconciliation, the Individual Mandate was included in what is now known as Obamacare.

Of course, not a single Republican voted for the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (ObamaCare), no not a single one. Those lovely Republicans who were all for it when they were in the Senate in 1993, including those who supported various Bills which included the Individual Mandates now include in the re-election campaigns the promise to overturn ObamaCare. Those who seek the office of President, including Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney were vocal supporters of the Individual Mandate prior to the passage of ObamaCare and their need to distance themselves from that SOCIALIST Black President in the White House.

All I can say to this nation is WAKE-UP. Learn your recent history and ask yourself a simple question, if these pillars of moral decay certitude, these attackers defenders of liberty are on your side; why do they so often change sides?

Filed Under: Politics Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Staying in Bed

January 19, 2012 by

There are simply days when you don’t want to get out of bed, feed the dog, pet the cat or say hello to the world.

There are days when it feels as if you have been kicked in the shins one to many times and frankly, your knees hurt!

I am having one of those days today, my knees hurt. So does my back, my neck, hell even my fingers hurt. Now I don’t usually complain, certainly I don’t complain about all the things on my body that hurt me. I don’t complain about all the things that don’t work any longer. I don’t complain about all the things that don’t move the way they are supposed to move or in the direction they are supposed to go. Well, perhaps that isn’t entirely true, there are some people that hear what hurts, I hope not too often though.

There are some days when it just seems I shouldn’t have to get out of bed. In fact the only reason I do is I need coffee, a smoke and if I don’t move I am afraid I might never do so again.

I have had a particularly bad month. It happens this way sometimes when you work for yourself, but this month has simply been particularly bad. I know I am good at what I do, I am not inflexible or hard to get along with – this month I have been accused of both, by a customer no less! I do not use my hidden disability for special treatment; in fact I keep it to myself (the reason for the second accusation) unless asked and pay the price. I tell people what they need to know and only what they need to know so they understand why I do certain things and can’t do others.

While there is a three-month history leading up to the loss of two customers, two projects, actually nearly a twenty-year history now, for some reason this is hitting me hard. I am questioning myself, my abilities, my capabilities and even whether I have the wherewithal to continue on the road I have set for myself.

There are some days when I just want to stay in bed; today is one of those days. I think this week has been one of those weeks.

There are some days when I feel more than justified that I haven’t forgiven those that did so much harm to me, to my body. Days like today when I know every single day for the rest of my life I will hurt and I will have to demand of myself that I get out of bed and convince myself it is worth it, because it is better to live with pain than not to live at all.

Then I think, but I don’t have an income because I lost two projects, not because I am bad at my work but because my body gave out, again. Because I couldn’t work within the travel constraints a client placed; of course had they told me up front I wouldn’t have taken the project in the first place and I wouldn’t be in this position, but that is a different issue all together. I lost one project because someone rear-ended me and what someone else would have likely walked away from I received significant injury and had weeks of treatment for.

There are days, sometimes weeks when I wonder if survival is all it is cracked up to be.

There are some days that simply suck.

Filed Under: Random Thoughts Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Whats Love Got to Do With It?

January 7, 2012 by

The dress is back from the cleaners packed in a box for some future when your daughter will say, “Mom it is so old fashioned I want to pick my own dress”. The pictures framed and scattered throughout your first home. The thank you notes are written to all the kind people who provided you with blenders, toasters and other small appliances you have yet to return or figure out uses for. Your tan is fading and frankly, it is time to return to real life.

You’re married! That ring on your left hand announces to the world you are officially off the market. Do you wear your ring? Does your spouse where his / hers, if not why not?

The strangeness of married life, even for long-term couples takes some adjustments. People may treat you differently now. During the early days of your marriage, you may find yourself resenting some of questions that come your way, such as;

How about joining us for a few beers after work tonight? Why don’t you call your husband / wife to make sure it is okay with them?

What? You’re an adult; you don’t need permission have a couple of beers after work. Think though, is this simple phone call asking permission or is it common courtesy extended to your spouse.

Another thing you may find happening is you aren’t invited to the boys / girls night out events you were once part of. Now that you are part of a married couple, your single friends may not feel comfortable inviting you. Perhaps these events were ‘hunting’ expeditions and now that you are off the market, your presence isn’t as welcome as it once was.

Yes, some of your friends may drop away. Don’t worry you will make other friends. Married friends, you will meet them over time and form new bonds. Some of your single friends of course will remain and as they pair up their new partners will join the elite circle of Married.

So what does love have to do with all of this? Marriage is the choice we make to bond with that one person who makes our heart race and feel at peace all at the same time. Despite our personal idiosyncrasies, despite our flaws we make the choice to live with, fight with, love with this single person for our lifetime.

Love has everything to do with it!

We agreed, even if we didn’t understand how marriage would change us, we knew we wanted to be with this person. We agreed we were going to walk side-by-side for our lifetime, even if we didn’t understand that there would be some unplanned loss of ‘independence’. Love has everything to do with our choice and everything to do with how we conduct ourselves from here forward. Love informs our actions, every day of our married life; whether it is a great day or a bad day love informs our choices and decisions.

While I believe there are always compromises, they are not compromises of self nor are they sacrifices. Love has everything to do with how successful marriages are made and sustained over time. Love of self and love of our partner. Once the bliss of the wedding is behind us the scales fall from our eyes, we discover marriage is hard work. Putting the person we love in front of us as  we make decisions, helps us to make informed decisions that are good for our marriage and prevent us from reverting to the selfish behavior and decision-making of our single life.

Marriage is hard sometimes; Love is Easy.

Filed Under: Love & Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

The Wife Book

December 29, 2011 by

The big secret passed down from mother to daughter with all the rules. We have it and talk about it in whispers; we share it amongst ourselves and periodically change the rules to ensure they are up-to-date. The Wife Book has been in existence since marriage has been a state of union between Men and Women. The Wife Book is the secret we keep from men, it is the one thing we have men will never be privy too.

I know you believe women share THE BIG SECRET, The Wife Book. You even discuss it amongst yourselves the incomprehensible behavior of your wives, then discover the consistency of the ‘rules’ and ‘demands’. Those nights out with the boys turn into ‘bitch’ sessions, not that you would ever admit to this. This is how the legend grows of the secret Wife Book.

Stop to Think

In throes of your complaints, do you stop to think? While you are discussing the similarities of your wives and their complaints, do you ever scratch your heads and say to yourselves, “perhaps it isn’t the secret book at all but us?” It is my suspicion that you do not. It is far easier to blame the enigma that is your wife than to question your own actions within the context of your marriage.

The Harridan in Your Bed

What happened to that beautiful woman you married? Her make-up is running, her words

Wikipedia Image

are unsweetened, clothing pulled out of the dirty clothes hamper and she continually nags you to put about your dirty dishes. She wasn’t like this before the wedding, by damned you think you might have been tricked! Sex? You aren’t getting it nightly the way you expected either, she says if she wasn’t so tired and she felt more ‘cared for’ she might be in the mood more often.

What does that mean anyway? You don’t have to love what I love only love me enough to participate or act.

Answering the Question – The Wife Book

Remember the question of why is marriage so hard( Where’s the Manual)? All of us enter marriage with expectations, women with a more detailed list of expectations than men; thus the Wife Book. Women are by far the more complex of the partners in a marriage this is a known fact. They have entered the marriage with an ideal in their mind of what their marriage will look like, feel like and what elements it will include.

The odd thing is most of those elements are consistent among modern wife’s it is simply a matter of the modern husband catching up. Many of the elements of a modern marriage are considered still anathema by men. In some cases less than manly. Nevertheless, it is worth mentioning what women want, what is part of the secret Wife Book.

Dirty Dishes meet Dishwasher, no I am not your dishwasher it is that large appliance next to the sink where for some reason your dishes always seem to land as if waiting for me to complete the process.

Remote Control meet sharing, yes there are two of us in the house and your desire to watch only sports or bloody combat is hampering our time together. I know it is delightful the cable networks now have 100+ sports channels however; this doesn’t mean you must watch them all day.

If you want food on the table at a specific time every night, learn to cook! We are not your servant, we aren’t paid and it is likely we also have jobs.

The list goes on and on, ad infinitum.  This doesn’t even address the issue of date nights and why your wife doesn’t consider a Sports Bar with the Boys a Date. The real issue is one of discussion and compromise. Your wife really doesn’t have a Wife Book, what she likely has is a list of complaints that you aren’t responding too. The longer you don’t respond the longer the list becomes and the more hurt your wife is by your lack of response to her needs. Thus the lack of SEX in your marriage.

Do you have needs and wants in your marriage? Certainly, everyone does. Marriage is nothing but a compromise between partners. This dealt only with the secret Wife Book. Feel free to tell me about the Husband Book.

Filed Under: Love & Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , ,
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