Dear God, I would make an ugly corpse, I always wanted to be a beautiful corpse, so this is just one more thing on my list of questions I will have to ask when we meet. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I wonder if today is the day we will meet face-to-face. There are mornings I think maybe today I will accelerate that meeting. Don’t frown, God, I know you don’t approve this thought, but it is hard out here and there are days it is harder than I think I can bear.
Dear God, yesterday a stranger wanted to ‘school’ me on life, politics and relations between the races, the genders and all other things none of his business with regard to my understanding. I am uncertain why he decided I was a good target, but it appeared he needed one and he actively vented his overactive spleen. The outcome being ultimately my loss of patience and temper. Why, though, would a perfect stranger seek me out for the sole purpose of trying to make me ‘less than’? I thought about this after I eliminated his ability to communicate with me, yet it was still on my mind this morning.
Dear God, I know there is light even in the darkest times. I am genuinely working on finding that light, every single day I wake up and the first thing I do is look for those things I am grateful for so I am able to begin the day on a high note. Some days the only thing I can write down in that journal I keep, ‘I am grateful I didn’t have a seizure last night and don’t have to change the sheets this morning.’ God, I know there should be more than this, but these days it is harder than you know to find more. Some nights as I prepare for bed, I wonder what would happen if I stopped taking the medicine that prevents my seizures, not just stopped that night completely stopped. How long would it take for the seizures to start again? A week, a month or would they never start and this 
would be another miracle cure you burdened me with that I never asked you for.
Dear God, I am continually astonished by the fuckery this pandemic has brought out in so many of us. I think this hasn’t changed us, instead, it has merely brought to the surface what has been there, within us all along. Whether it is our bad attitudes, our inherent laziness or our entitlement, all of this is emerging and making us smaller and uglier. I watch and it makes me sad that people I know and love are lashing out, acting out and generally behaving badly. It makes me wonder why I didn’t see this before. I think it would be easier if we could simply sprinkle a little kindness and compassion across the world at a time like this; instead, it seems we have thrown selfish and ‘all about me dirt’ to see where it will stick.
Dear God, this isn’t what I thought my life would be. You have brought me through so much, through so many trials. I somehow thought if I was patient, worked hard and continued to seek grace, learn kindness, act with compassion and yes, even extend forgiveness, I would find peace, happiness and also love with companionship. What I wasn’t expecting is this, fear, loneliness and solitude. I wasn’t expecting this complete lack of relevancy. I wasn’t expecting this escalation of physical pain with no support, no help and no expectation of relief. God, I wasn’t expecting to be facing the rest of my life alone, without a helpmate, a travel mate, a dinner mate and frankly a bed mate. Was this your plan? Can I tell you honestly, your plan sucks.
Dear God, I know I should not question you yet; there is so much in this world worth questioning right now. I learned when I was young; you work in mysterious ways, I understand. Maybe the world needed a big hammer and this is it. I also learned man (and woman) have free will and not all things are your will, but rather, they are the 
outcome of our acts. Yes, I can see the hand of man in this terrible pandemic that is scouring the world today. But God, I wake every morning and I wonder where is your hand and some mornings I have to admit are much harder than others. I have to ask, are you sitting and watching all this and weeping along with us?
Dear God, I would make an ugly corpse you and I both know it. Some days this is the only thing that keeps me going. Other days it is the heroes, the acts of random kindness I witness and the reminders that I love others in this world enough to stay and watch their lives unfold. Some days are so hard I cry myself to sleep. Other days flowers and chocolate arrive from a child not of my blood but of my heart, reminding me life is a gift of endless possibilities. God, I am not hopeless or helpless yet, but my journal of gratitude needs new entries beyond just waking in the morning a bit of intervention on your part would be most welcome about now.
What do you do at the age I am when faced with big choices, huge life altering decisions? There are forks in the road at any age, but I think as we get older either we get less brave or they get more daunting, perhaps it is a bit of both. You would think it would be easier, these choices as there are less people and things to consider yet oddly it is not.
of ‘what the hell’ I responded to the request for me resume, my current status and my standard hourly rate. The next day I got a call back, would I be willing to negotiate my rate by $5, it was after all a long-term contract and it came with great benefits for the right candidate. Well, sure that did make a difference.
Well, we did that. Now we are trying to set a schedule for the next round and I am at that proverbial crossroad, though I see it as more of a branch. What is my answer? How much risk am I willing to take? I am 62 years old, I should be thinking about retirement not galivanting off on my next damned adventure. Instead here I am considering:
worked on debt but have not rebuilt savings. This opportunity would allow me to finish wiping out debt and rebuild a great deal of what I lost in savings, if I sold my current house and banked the equity for the two years of the contract. Yes, I have run the numbers. Debt free, I would have far more choices than I have today about many things, including:
a different future. A future with less struggle and less drama. A future less tied to the past. Perhaps the choice should be easy, I wish it were so. Yet, as with every big choice there remains that looming risk of ‘what if?’
I have been accused of being abnormal, of not being feminine in my responses, of not being sufficiently emotional. This is not the first time someone has said this to me, likely it will not be the last. My only answer to these accusations is I keep my emotions under control and am not given to public displays, even if you are an audience of one. If you are acting out to gain a response from me you will be sorely disappointed and I will not apologize for this.
when I realized I could not make someone love me, could not force someone to stay and could not change another person’s heart no matter what I felt. There was no point to this emotion, it hurt no one but me. I didn’t do anything to change myself, it was simply I stopped feeling jealous. I still felt angry at a betrayal, at a lie but I no longer felt jealous.
and others in a destructive path. While it might have been justified it was not healthy in its expression and it never ended well. Now, I know how to express anger when it occurs rather than let it burn me out. Now I know how to speak up and speak out. Now I know that to hang on to anger, allow it to become fury, give it free rein and rent in my soul is one of the most self-destructive things I can do.
When all you have isn’t enough, then what?
has burst with laughter and I have trod paths both new and ancient searching for nothing more than passages to joy. I have risked my heart more than once, because well because I am a romantic and despite I have had the ever-loving shit stomped out of me more than once I still believe in love. Despite a tough as nails exterior, despite scars, not just on the inside but some prominent ones on the outside, I am still somewhat mushy and sometimes all too forgiving of the failure of others to take care of the gifts I freely give.
QBG_Tilted Tiara 