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Letting Go

April 19, 2025 by

There was a time I believed ‘once upon a time’ was a beginning

If I could just love you more than I hated me

You would save me from my nightmares

Charge in sword held high and slay my dragons

Put out the fires that burned my spirit to cinders

I thought ‘happily ever after’ was the real ending

That isn’t the way life happens though, is it?

The tower didn’t have a door with magic locks

My mind was a labyrinth of secret rooms and demons

I tricked you into thinking I was fine

Every single day I put on the mask of ‘fine’

I locked the door of untold secrets and history

Thinking if I could only love you a little more

I would stop hating me enough to let you in

Maybe ‘happily ever after’ could be real

One day I realized fairytales were written to teach us

The real tales contained real monsters with no ‘happy ever after’

I knew my ‘fine’ was a deception, just like every fairytale I wanted to believe

That was when I knew you would be better free of my pain

I was never going to love you enough to stop hating me

Worse, if you knew my secrets you could never love me out of my darkness

The severance of the ties that bind was the only gift I had to give

Now you will hate me just like I hate myself, I will never tell you

How very much I love you, how grateful I was for all you gave to me

Fairytales aren’t real, but this was the only ‘happily ever after’ I can give you

To be free to love

I always told you, I want you to be happy

4/19/2025
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Heart Reflection

December 30, 2023 by

Some days, I drag you out of the place I store memories

I have entire conversations with you;

In them, I consider how things might have been;

What should I have done that I didn’t do?

If I had been easier, more compliant,

Or maybe just less than;

Would it have been different for us?

Then, when I finish the conversation;

Between you and I, in my head;

I realize the outcome is always the same;

If I were less and you were more;

You would still have walked away.

You would have still been you;

The you that always sought more than me;

The you that didn’t see in front of you;

Beyond your own need to be more;

The you that didn’t feel my heartbeat;

And I know that I would have still been shattered.

But you that couldn’t love me;

Because you only loved you;

And I was never the reflection you wanted;

I was the mirror, your gaze turned away from.

When I finish my conversations in my head;

My heart hurts for lost time and pain.

But like so many other things in life;

I let you go back to the place;

Where I hold other things of memory;

The demons of past loves and destruction;

I know I will drag you out again;

If only to remind me why I let you go;

It is my nature to dance with my own demons.

30-Dec-23

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Reminders

December 13, 2022 by

I do not remember the feel of your skin

I have forgotten the weight of your arm thrown across me

I cannot recall the sense of you behind me as I wake

The rain though makes me look for you

The wind blows memories of laughter

The cold makes me long for your warmth at my back

The dark sky makes me remember nights of tequila and stories

The emptiness of your side of the bed is sometimes too much for me

I long to beg for answers that you have refused to give

Your cruel indifference should release me, should let me go

Instead, it holds me captive inside my pain and confusion

I create my own stories for your desertion

Maybe they are worse than the truth, but maybe they are not

I do not remember the feel of your skin against mine

This is only one of the lies I repeat to myself hoping to heal

I remember everything, even as I know you had forgotten

Forgotten before you had ever left

12-Dec-2022

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