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You are not a Christian

July 1, 2014 by

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI have a bit of a bug, just a small itch I need to scratch. I tell you my dander is raised, my scalp needs to be scratched; all day I have been thinking of our Supreme Court and just how un-Supreme they truly our. I truly do believe it is time for all of us to take a long hard look at who we are as a nation, get up off our proverbial and begin to do something about the nation we want to be rather than simply complain. If we are unwilling to do something, we have absolutely no right to complain about the outcome.

 

No Corporation is a Christian and I can prove it, here are the core principles of being a Christian or living within the body of Christ.

  1. Professing a belief in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior and following his teachings.
  2. Baptism into the body (church) or religious fellowship (it should be noted this is not required in all Christian sects).
  3. Evangelize and bring others to the body of Christ.
  4. Attend all church assemblies and give (tithe).
    1. Follow Church discipline
    2. Follow the will of God, as defined by the Church
    3. Read the ‘Word’ (Bible) regularly
    4. Pray frequently, confessing your sins to God and / or the Body (Church or its representative)
    5. Live an upright and moral life, giving up all worldly goods and desires to follow the teachings of the “Word”.
  5. Follow proper relations with other people including:
    1. Family
    2. Community, people in need
    3. Civil Government
    4. Church, religious government
    5. Business

There is no Corporation, not a single solitary one that is a Christian or for that matter any other Religion, what we have is human people who have decided the Constitution doesn’t matter unless it is convenient. What we have are five members of the Supreme Court who have decided they will strip any person with a uterus of their right to self-determination in favor of satisfying the political machinations of the Right and the racist intent of those who would do anything to deny this President a legacy.

Hobby Lobby = Hypocrisy

Hobby Lobby does business with China in fact nearly their entire inventory has a ‘Made in China’ sticker on it somewhere. Yes the nation with a low human rights rating for the manner in which people, especially women are treated, this is Hobby Lobby’s primary trade partner. Hobby Lobby somehow holds their nose despite, or maybe it is because of the execrable way in which China treats women, going so far as to encourage selective abortions, eliminating females in the womb.

Hobby Lobby does business with a nation that encourages abortion to the tune of approximately thirteen (13) million per year.

David Green, CEO Hobby Lobby

David Green, CEO Hobby Lobby

Nevertheless, when it came to providing for women’s health, providing birth control to their employees Hobby Lobby and their proselytizing CEO, David Green had something else entirely in mind and that was simply, “No”. Not just No, but Hell to the No. Never mind his 401K invested in Pharma companies that make all the methods and drugs he refuses to cover for his employees, including two that cover surgical abortions, that doesn’t count. Never mind the insurance he provides his employees covers Viagra and Cialis (can’t have a problem getting it up now can we). But damn those women if they should want to preserve their body integrity, their ability to raise the children they have, their health or their future.

Screw them, literally.

The Supreme Court of the United States of America listened to the arguments and decided Hobby Lobby; a corporation is human enough to hold religious beliefs and can impose those beliefs on others. In this case, those beliefs include denial of specific birth control methods including the following:

‘Morning After Pills’, Ella and Plan B, and two intrauterine devices (IUDs)

Last, I checked, I could be wrong mind you, but last I checked the first Amendment of the US Constitution said the following:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Unless I am crazy, I might be, this would mean Hobby Lobby and its hypocritical proselytizing CEO do not get to impose their crazy azzed religious beliefs on others. Mind you, I know I could be wrong, I could be sitting in my own version of Hope Land, resting in my garden of Lavender surrounded by the sounds of birds and water fountains, but as much of an idealist as I am I don’t think I wear blinders. I believe I am reading the Constitution correctly, which means there is something far more nefarious at work.

Supreme_Court_US_2010

What could it be that causes a body, in this case the Supreme Court of the United States to act in a manner so contrary to what we know is consistent with the law, common sense and all of this nations principles to now. What could cause case after case since 2009 to shift so far out to the Right, away from what is best for the majority and towards an ever-shrinking minority? What is the single element that has changed and what can we trace that change too?og-ab844a_schob_g_20140630134413

On 20-January-2009 Republican leaders held a secret meeting during which the agreed to sabotage the US economy and the success of President Obama’s administration. Since that time, Congress both House and Senate have done everything and anything within their power to do so. During this same time, SCOTUS has colluded openly and without restraint to provide aid. One only need look at the record of decisions handed down on Voting Rights, Women’s Rights, Workers Rights including the most recent Harris v. Quinn.

The list of goes on, our losses go on and we remain seated in our chairs. We remain apathetic, tired and seemingly powerless.

Three branches of government colluding to destroy one man and his legacy. We sit and watch.

Three branches of government and their minions, the ignorant of our nation whipped into a frenzy because one Black Man dared to dream and dared to cause us to dream with him. Don’t want to hear it, yet I believe it might be true, three branches of government full of old, fearful and mean Caucasian men and women who see their power being lost and trying desperately to hang on determined to destroy the first African American President, his family and his legacy by any and every means necessary.

The rest of us? We are collateral damage.

Want to stop this before it is too late?

VOTE, in November VOTE. Don’t stay home but get out and VOTE. If you stay home we lose.

 

Impeachment Process, Free Republic

The Plot to Sabotage the Presidents Administration

The ObamaCrat’s Take on SCOTUS Decision all the information is here

Filed Under: Op Ed Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Our Apathy is Killing Me

June 13, 2014 by

OpEdAnother day, another week, another spree of violence from more cretins with axes to grind and tendencies to believe conspiracies and live in fear and self-righteous entitlement. Isn’t it fascinating the very same people who point outward, complaining about all those ‘others’ who live on the teat of the government dole, tend to be the ones who live on the brink of tumbling into the chasm, needing a handout in the worst kind of way. Yet, they are constantly complaining about those ‘others’ that are destroying the fabric of America, you know the ones they are always talking about;

  • The folks on Unemployment
  • The folks working two or three jobs on Welfare
  • The folks needing to feed their children on SNAP
  • The folks on Medicaid and Medicare even
  • The folks on Social Security
  • The folks getting student aid (Pell Grants or Student Loans)

Did I catch all those government programs? What I failed to mention, in every case those complaining about these programs seem to think, truthfully they strongly believe most of those within the system are the problem and they are also ‘other’, meaning they aren’t of European (Caucasian) descent and in some or maybe many cases they might not even be Christian. It seems we, as a people find it entirely acceptable for people in media and elected positions to hurl the most egregious and base insults towards our fellow citizens without consequence. We have sunk so low we willingly turn away from the ugliest vitriol dripping from the mouths of those we elect and those who are paid to act as the gauge of our culture, we shrug their words off and demand no consequences from them for their divisive actions.

Our nation is being torn apart, yet we shrug and turn away, sometimes we even laugh at the ignorance of the utterances. Shouldn’t we instead be holding these bigots, these racists, these homophobes, these sexists, these misanthropes to a higher standard and with them ourselves. How dare we, as a people and a nation turn away from these terrible acts and words and not demand better, not demand something change. How dare any of us sit back, shrug and pretend not to see what is happening to this nation, even as we sip our coffee.

I can only say, What the Fuck is wrong with us that we don’t put two and two together and come up with four. Instead we sit back and say, ‘oh, well this isn’t so bad’. Really? This isn’t so bad, when pray tell have any of us seen it worse? Answer me this, when have any of us seen it worse than it is today. The origin of, ‘Take our Country Back’, the battle cry of the Tea Party movement, comes directly from the last gasp of a scared and aging demographic, you know the ones I mentioned them before.

  • White, Older
  • Disenfranchised
  • Mostly Southern (started here

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  • Low Information
  • Low income
  • Christian

Don’t misunderstand me, I am not saying all White Men above a certain age are members of the Tea Party, they most certainly are not; fortunately there are many who don’t fall into the Disenfranchised / Low Information category. Unfortunately, for all of us there are those who saw a void and scrambled to fill it, these horror stories of the modern age have been building on the fear and disenchantment of the European male for decades and in 2008 the movement exploded with the election of Barack Obama. The fear mongers saw the opportunity and jumped in with both feet and all their financial assets, they founded the Tea Party in all of its loud and proud glory. Spun off from the John Birch Society, The Heritage Foundation, Freedom Works, Americans for Prosperity, The KKK; The Tea Party has inherited the weight of each of these, hidden under their sheen of new money and attempts at political respectability.

Fred Koch => John Birch Society=>David & Charles Koch =>Americans for Prosperity+John Birch Society=>ALEC=>Citizen United=>CPAC

It is insidious and ugly, it is apparently the New American Way. When you add to this mix the KKK, Patriot and Nationalist Groups, Radical Christians Identity Groups then throw in a few Skinheads and a couple of White Nationalists all of whom seem to relate to and populate the Tea Party. But no, the Tea Party isn’t Racist and didn’t suddenly grow from the election of the very first Black President of the United States of America, except, look at these:

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How to account for a 755% growth since the election of Barack Obama if it isn’t the color of his skin? Whatever some of us might wish it otherwise, there is an underlying truth we must accept, the first Black President has brought out the very worst, brought to the surface what already existed. It isn’t his politics, it isn’t that he is a bad President, it isn’t his ability to lead. It is one simple defining characteristic, it is that he is ‘other’. This simple truth has led to the dividing of a nation and many other issues including escalating violence.

I struggle to write these days, I do. I struggle with the violence. I struggle with the constant seemingly never ending days of spree shooting, school shootings and people no matter how many have died, making excuses, blaming the victims or worse, ignoring the real problem in favor of screaming their Second Amendment rights trump all else. My heart breaks for the families of all those who have lost their lives, some days I can’t face the news; truly I sit on my bed and tears simply flow down my cheeks silently, my shoulders shake and I wish for someone to hold me as I weep.

I blame these venomous and bile filled horror stories siting in their studios and back offices for the state of the Union.

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This is just a small selection of who I blame, a mix of elected officials some still seated, some revered for ‘past accomplishments’, some on their way out, some media pundits, some of course dead and deified by those who apparently have forgotten what they truly did during their time in office. This is enough, I didn’t bother to put SCOTUS up, I do blame them as well. I blame the sell out to NRA, the fear the entire Congress apparently feel each time NRA is whispered in their ears, never mind we have had seventy four (74) school shooting since Sandy Hook, can you imagine? Seventy-four school shootings since twenty babies were shot dead in their school rooms and we still haven’t done a damned thing to stem the tide of blood running in the streets.

Screen_Shot_2014-06-10_at_1.48.46_PM

Map Image; Image Credit: Twitter/Mark Gongloff

I blame us. That is right, I blame all of us for not having the wherewithal to get up off our azzes and say “No More”. For being so damned apathetic we willing shrug our shoulders and say, ‘there is nothing we can do’.

I blame us. For every child that dies. For every father who weeps at the loss of his only son. For every mother who buries her child. I blame us. We don’t owe the NRA a damned thing, we owe our children a better world. Hell, we owe ourselves a better world than the one we have today. We owe ourselves safer streets than the ones we have today. I know I don’t feel safe going into downtown Dallas where men with small penises have supplemented their insufficiency by strapping large guns across their chests or backs simply to ‘prove’ their manhood. It use to be they would buy good cars, I tell you what I want to go back to those days.

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I don’t know about any of you, I am tired. I am tired of the idiots. I am tired of the hate. I am tired of the divisive trash talking BS coming out of the media and my elected officials. Let’s start calling things what they are maybe then we can start healing wounds and moving this nation forward.

  • People who kill police officers screaming about revolutions and draping those dead officers in the Tea Party flag, they are Domestic Terrorists.
  • The people out on the Bundy ranch with their guns, who pointed said guns at federal officers during the commission of their duties; they are criminals. By the way, so is Cliven Bundy.
  • Rush Limbaugh is a Racist and a Sexist.
  • Sean Hannity is a Racist and has used his position to stir Domestic Terrorism and Criminal activity.
  • The United States of America is NOT a Christian nation it is a Democratic Republic, stop saying it is anything else.

I am certain there is more. The problem is right now, we are moving further and further to the Right. If we don’t stop this tumble we will very quickly find ourselves living under a Christian Taliban. Our rights will be gone, Civil Rights will be a thing of the past, Voting Rights for but the wealthy a thing of the past. Shrug your shoulders if you like, think I am overreacting if you want. The truth of the matter is, Congress has dug their heels in, despite this Eric Cantor lost his seat for being ‘not conservative enough’.

Think about that one. Then think about November 2014 and consider what will happen if you remain apathetic.

 

Hate Groups Growing: http://www.splcenter.org/get-informed/intelligence-report/browse-all-issues/2012/spring/the-year-in-hate-and-extremism

In their own words:

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2010/10/26/913651/-The-Republicans-in-their-own-words-Part-2-bigotry-hate-and-violence

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2010/10/27/914152/-The-Republicans-in-their-own-words-Part-3-Big-Fat-Liars-and-hypocrites

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2010/10/28/914514/-The-Republicans-in-their-own-words-Part-4-Let-em-eat-applesauce

http://www.teapartyslogans.com/cgi-bin/web/index.cgi?referer=https://www.google.com/

Jill Sobule, Protest Song: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jill-sobule/protest-song-we-want-our-america-back_b_1097453.html

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Op Ed Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Misogyny & All Women

June 7, 2014 by

OpEd

Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. 1 Corinthians 14:34

I want to start this by sharing what I listened to while writing, it has taken me three days to form my thoughts around this subject so they were palatable for mixed company. While I worked through them I listened and sometimes watched as well.

 

I struggled with how I would approach the subject of women, society and culture. Of what it means to be a woman today nearly anywhere in the world. It would be easy to put my pragmatic hat on, pull out the statistics and studies, don’t worry I might still give you some of those, but at the end of it that doesn’t really speak to the truth. The truth is, being a woman of my age (56) means I have walked through a few fires simply to pay the price of being a woman. Why struggle with talking about this subject if we are going to talk statistics, better to talk from a position of authority, right?

For nearly as long as I have been conscious of being a woman, I have also been conscious it meant there were those who would always see me as one, if not more, of the following:

  • Weak
  • Victim
  • Stupid
  • Property
  • Of less value than themselves

There is not a single woman, not one single one of us who have not faced at least some form of gender based harassment, discrimination or bullying in our lifetime. As young girls we grow up being told we are ‘not enough’, it might not be the intent of the messenger to deliver this message it is though the message we receive. The message of ‘Not enough’ is delivered throughout a woman’s life, they go something like this, NOT ENOUGH:

  • To play sports, but YOU can cheer on the sidelines, if you are pretty enough.
  • For college funds to be set aside or made available based on your performance and competency, boys first there is only so much to go around.
  • To be protected from roaming hands, catcalls or sly whispers  in hallways and classrooms, Boys will be Boys.
  • For your aspirations beyond housewife, mother, secretary or assistant too some male, those aspirations are slightly ‘unnatural’.
  • For your labor to be valued at the same rate as your male counterpart, instead you will work longer hours for less.
  • To receive necessary health care at affordable costs, instead your body will be fought over as if it were an oasis in the Sahara to be confiscated by the fastest talking Bedouin every two to four years.
  • For your ‘No’ to be true no matter how or to whom you say it or for any person to question what you were wearing or what you might have done to ‘ask for it’.
  • To walk down the street at night and feel safe, even in your own neighborhood.

The list could go on, every woman could add to it from her own experience, these though are important and have been lately in the news:

  • Not Enough to be safe even when using a field in pairs because there is no other place to empty their bowel or bladder, they lost their lives after being gang raped.
  • Not Enough to be safe in their schools as the 276 young girls of Chibok, Nigeria would say as they were herded onto trucks and carried into the jungle to be sold in markets or to their kidnappers as ‘wives’.

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Women everywhere, no matter the nation they are born in or their circumstances all have one thing in common it seems, they are born NOT ENOUGH.

We might be born into the very best circumstances, wealth and privilege. We might receive the best of everything, education and opportunity throughout our lives. None of this will be enough to protect us from exploitation, catcalls on the street, domestic abuse or rape. What these circumstances will provide is the chance those who do us harm will pay the consequence of their actions.

If we are born without privilege, without money, without opportunity; if we are born anywhere in the world even here in this nation that takes pride in its ‘advanced’ views and civil rights, we are lost before we step foot out the door. Despite lip service, our bodies are the battle ground men fight ‘morality’ wars over decade after decade. Whether we have the same right to sexual freedom and the same right to protect our reproductive choice the fodder for nightly news segments, pulpit rants and Filibusters from both sides of the aisle. Our right to say NO clouded by what we might choose to wear or whether we have deigned to say YES to others previously, our history as women the only thing on trial if we are brave enough to report our victimization at all. The very meaning of RAPE subject to redefinition to narrow the scope from a Violent act against us to whether it was a Legitimate act of Violence or not.

There is no woman on the face of the earth, not anywhere in any nation who in her lifetime will not experience some form of harassment, bias or bullying simply because she is a woman. There is no woman, not one who will not suffer some form of bias, will not have her options limited in some manner specifically because she was born with Breasts, Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus, Cervix and Ovaries rather than being born with Penis and  Testicles.

Women around the World (Image)

Women around the World (Image)

While men continue to debate whether women should be paid equally, should have the right to body integrity, we as women seek simply to achieve equity in community and choice of how we live, how we love and who we love. Our struggle to reach equality, to be seen as whole and complete is tied to so many other movements toward equality we sometimes lose sight of our need as women to band together and lift each other up, we fail to reach across fences and work together for common cause.

Our gender creates a single unbroken chain across borders, faiths and race. As of 2013, out of 7,162,119,434 in the world we are 49.6% of the total and growing. We have enormous power in our hands and between our thighs. We are the mothers of the world, it is through us the next generation is born, it is with us the next generation learns their first words, takes their first steps and learns compassion, love and hope. We are the light of the world, without us there is nothing. Yet, six out of 10 of the world’s poorest people are women, 70% of the world’s poorest people are women, one in three American women live in poverty.

I struggled with how to approach this subject. I am reminded daily of what is wrong in this nation and worldwide, as women die simply because a man takes it in his head he is owed what is not his; a woman’s body the gift of sex or love, the gift of our gentleness, the gift of our hearts  and our compassion cannot be stolen through violence and cannot be hidden behind veils or high walls.

Before I close this let me say clearly, I do not believe all men are bad or evil, truthfully I love a man. In fact I believe most men are not misogynistic, most men are not rapists, most men do not wish to harm women. What I think is most men do not know by their inaction they enable. The chain women must form across all the boundaries we have today, whether of our making or of society and culture, that chain must include men who believe as we do, that we are ENOUGH just as we are, that we have equal value within society and our contributions as human beings are not just welcome but sought. Were all of us, men and women together to begin to form common cause, the subject of our equality would no longer be subject of debates it would instead be a History Lesson, as would many other Civil Rights issues which frankly require a woman’s voice and a woman’s touch.

 

Things of interest:

UN Women Should

Human Trafficking: The Polaris Project

Human Trafficking: The FBI Files

Do Something Campaign

PCI Global: Women’s Empowerment

Shriver Report

 

Filed Under: Women Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Unicorn Kisses

May 9, 2014 by

1960 LindaSome of you might know I am a collector of Art; specifically I am a collector of body art or more commonly known as a Tattoo. I received my first tattoo when I was just 17, yes, I was underage but people weren’t quite as careful way back then. I don’t remember the shop but I still remember the why and the where.  Tattooing was different those many years ago and Crazy Charlie, though he did a great job and I had that tat for many a year, I long since covered it up.

Over the years, I have covered a few of my originals; sometimes I cover them simply because I want something new and sometimes because the meaning is no longer meaningful. I have never, not once walked into a shop where I didn’t know what I wanted, never looked at Tattoo flash and pointed at something and said, ‘put that on my body’. Everything inked onto my skin has meaning, most is custom designed from art I take into the shop with me, but sometimes it is concept art I have worked with an artist to design for me. All of my art is specific and personal.

I get there are people out there in the world who take great exception to my decoration. Some who even feel the need to express their opinions to me regarding my personal choice to tattoo my body. I find their need pathetic frankly, this being especially true given their contribution to my life otherwise. Some of my favorites from the otherwise non-contributing members of my life:

  • What will they look like when you are 80?

o   Who cares? You will not be here and it is likely those who love me will continue to love me whether my skin is inked and sagging or not.DSC_0262

  • You will go straight to hell (Leviticus 19:28).

o   According to the standard you are using for my eventual afterlife residence, so will you; see you there save a room for me, preferably not next door you judgmental twit.

  • No one will hire you with all those tattoos, you look like a cheap slut.

o   Really? How would you quantify whether I am cheap or not? Someone has to pay for my rather costly artwork.

During the course of my marriage, my desire for new art was a point of contention. In fact the words, ‘If you get a new tattoo, I will leave your ass’, were often said. I wonder, why the hell did he ever marry someone with ink if he felt that way? During our first separation, I got new ink. Within a month of his most recent departure, I got new ink again; in fact, I have been adding the ink I have been thinking about for a decade.

Now to my favorite part of being part of the approximately 21% of all adults who are Tattooed in the US today:

Does it hurt?

Why of course not it feels like Unicorn Kisses!

Who does my work? James Yokum of Saints and Sinners, I love them all, but he has finished two of the three pieces I have added since December. We are in the process of adding my largest piece ever, four sessions, with two down and the third starting tonight. Does it hurt? My friend and favorite photographer Christ Hanna (he continues to be my hero and did a fabulous job under less than ideal circumstances) of Posture Studios agreed to something slightly different in terms of a photo session, here are the results:

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The meaning of this piece, why she is important to me:

  • Gerber Daisy = Innocence
  • Peony = Healing, Compassion, also the Greek God of Healing (Paeon)
  • Peacock Feathers = Compassion, Wisdom, Knowledge; also, in ancient times used for writing of importance.
  • Sugar Skull = often used to celebrate lost loved one, in this case I have placed it where I have lost an entire part of my body feeling due to my injuries. I am celebrating I am still standing, living and whole despite it all. In effect, she is I.

Victorious, yes I am that though I might feel slighty overcome at this moment in time. This piece in particular reminds me I have overcome obstacles including being told I would never walk again, let alone dance in high-heels. I am learning though life can be hard I am Victorious it is simply a matter of slipping on my stilettoes sometimes and dancing.

Right Shoulder

The Wheel of Fortune (beautiful isn’t she) reminds me I cannot control everything, despite being a bit of control freak by nature. Outside influences may direct my life and I must learn to let go of both my expectations and my demands even while not becoming complacent.

Left Shouder

The last one, it is a bit more complicated. Suffice to say it is another victory symbol that allows me too remember I remain in charge of my destiny. I rise above the ashes of failure and I am my own knight in shining armor.

Left back shoulder

Does it hurt? Yes, it hurts. It is no worse than many other things that hurt. Some people say you will never meet a person with two tattoos. Either the pain is too much and you stop at one, or you fall in love (grow addicted) to the sensation. Some of us who collect ink, we also know there is a correlation between this level of pain, chocolate and one other thing all of which sends the same hormone to our brains, which might account for the rising number of women who are inked.

Other pieces I have added over the years:

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Ours don’t come as easily, you have to work for it. Do you know what I am talking about? Feel free to leave your guesses in the comments section.

Some History you might find interesting.

Smithsonian History of Tattoo

PBS: Skin Stories

A Brief History of Tattoos

Tattoo Statistics, Pew Research

Tattoo Statistics, Harris Research more comprehensive

Filed Under: Random Thoughts Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Really, Post Racial

May 3, 2014 by

OpEdWe are living in a ‘Post Racial Society’, isn’t that what those in the know want us to believe? Do you believe we are living in the fantasyland the pundits gleefully spew forth? Yeah, well neither do I but you have to give them credit for trying. It would be interesting, if a bit filthy, to open up their minds and see if they actually believe it themselves.

In the last few weeks, we were treated to some real cretins, lacking in any form of social grace or guile they have spewed the vile bigotry into our homes through the airwaves. Granted, at least one of them didn’t intend his remarks to reach our ears, they did though and we hung on every disastrous word. Interestingly, these two cases have nothing in common and their outcomes cannot be compared, except for one very specific point; they prove beyond a doubt we do not live in a Post Racial Society when it comes Power, Politics and Legislation, but we might be making baby steps as a society.

I am more than certain you know who I am talking about, but just in case you have been under a rock or meditating your navel in a cave;

Cliven Bundy, the man Fox, et al tried hard to turn into a folk hero until he suggested the ‘Negro’ were better off in slavery. Shock and awe, his words sent all his hero worshippers scurrying for cover, he said what they thought, ‘damn why’d he have to go and do that?’ The truth is, all those folks from Congress to the talking heads at Fox, they didn’t just latch on to ole’ Cliven because he made good sense espousing the Federal Government didn’t exist and his theory of Eminent Domain, there was another reason. I will get there, give me a minute.

Cliven_Donald

Then we had that wonder of the 1%, yes, you know whom I am talking about, Donald Sterling had his dirty laundry aired and it did not go over well. Players took to Tweeter, along with many others who had something to say about his low and ugly comments regarding his ‘ownership’ of those he contracted to play ball for him. Of course, some came to his defense with cries of, ‘he was set up!’ and, ‘he shouldn’t be penalized for what was a private conversation!’ Power is a funny thing though; ultimately, money talks and he didn’t have enough to override the entire NBA and public opinion.

So back to my comparison, these two loud and proud members of the old school and what they pronounced,  what so many think but don’t say aloud where others can hear. What was it these two wonders had in common?

  • Wealth (Somewhat to Obscene)
  • Race (Caucasian)
  • Age (Old)
  • Ignorance (Absolute)

What did I just say there?

They were both Rich, Old, Ignorant, White Men.

Simple as that. It is my personal opinion if we are ever going to achieve that ‘Post Racial’ society it is up to those of us who enjoy the privilege of walking down streets, through stores and through life without worry for our lives or our freedom to undo Racism. The simple truth is only White people can teach the next generation about racism, bigotry and prejudice; thus only White people can undo the harm it does both socially and institutionally.

Those who are victims of social and institutional Racism can teach us the harm it does; they cannot undo the harm, as they are not in our homes teaching our children from an early age. Legislative remedies go only so far in correcting institutional harm, what we see across our nation is proof of this truth, Cliven and Donald are two examples and the outcomes of their bad behavior are two examples as well. Another example is the reaction 800px-Barack_Obama_family_portrait_2011to having the first Black President in the White House.

Asses have been up on shoulders since the day this President won the election. As much as there are those who say it is not about the half of Barack Obama that is Black, the simple truth is what other reason could it
possibly be? This nation sees this man as a Black man, with a Black wife and Black children move into the House that slaves built and frankly lost its collective mind. Never, not in all the history of this nation as any President battled Congress for even a step toward compromise. Never, not in all the history of this nation has any President faced a Congress that would rather see the nation fail than a President succeeds in even a single agenda item. Not Race? Please give us credit for having some sense.

Back to old Cliven and Donald now, what has happened to them?

Donald got some comeuppance, his money wasn’t enough in the face of what would be lost by the league if players wouldn’t play and sponsors wouldn’t pay. Banned for life from games and a paltry (in the face of his bank) fine. Now the other owners are looking to force him to sell his team, will they succeed? Who knows, the man is eighty years old and likes to fight court battles, of course with confirmation he is battling prostate cancer perhaps he will let this one go.

LAcLIPPERS

As to good ole’ boy Cliven, well all his friends at Fox and in Congress, they deserted him like rats from a sinking ship, quick to let all and sundry know they disagreed with his ‘Negro’ comments. Who didn’t disagree? Yeah, those great patriots with their guns, you know the ones the ‘Militia’, the ones who drew down on government officials trying to do their jobs, who put women out in front as targets; yeah those. Now they are camping out on the side of the roads, fighting each other and terrorizing the locals with their roadblocks. Good old Cliven, he still owes the Government $1M plus still stands in front of the American Flag (of the government he doesn’t believe in) and fails miserably to understand what he did was so wrong.

Nevada Militia

Cliven lost his sponsors, Fox News. Donald his sponsors, commercial. Cliven should go to jail, along with his little buddies the militia. Donald didn’t do anything (this time) illegal, simply immoral and unethical. They are the same yet not.

An interesting read I have borrowed from Frank of A Frank Angle fame, one that shows perhaps why some are so terribly fearful of their place in this ever changing world, http://www.pewresearch.org/next-america/#The-New-Us

Moral? Yes, there is a moral. We do not live in a post racial society, not by a very long shot. We are getting there though, slowly the next generation coming up is beginning to say, “no more”. Society is changing, our outlooks and views are changing. The younger generations are beginning to question the ignorance and intolerance of those who came before them. Is it fast enough to undo the harm that is being done today?

No, not in my opinion and according to current projections we still have a few years to go before there will be enough of us who feel the way I do to make a real difference. What can you do? Start teaching your children what is right, stop ignorance now.

Filed Under: Op Ed Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Pro Ugly

April 19, 2014 by

soapboxpileThe announcement by Chelsea Clinton of her impending motherhood later this year brought out the hate, we should have known it would. As I read some of the twits tweeting, I thought to myself, is there nothing, nothing at all off-limits or out of bounds. My other thought was, ‘God people are mean-spirited and ugly’.

How did we get this way?

The argument surrounding abortion is a nasty one. Full of spite, religious rhetoric, name-calling, slut shaming and vitriol.  There is no one, not a single person I know who is Pro-Abortion, only those who are pro-choice; thinking human beings, mature adults who have found the wherewithal to understand there are reasons, sometimes emotional and other times physical a woman may choose to end a pregnancy.

I told my own very personal abortion story in three parts:

Part I is No Bastards No Choice

Part II is Never Again, I Will Hate You

Part III is History isn’t Mutable, But We Are

It isn’t a pretty story, no hearts and flowers there is no happy ending. My personal story doesn’t put a positive spin on choice. It does however; reinforce the need for choice to exist for every woman in this nation, no matter her age, socio-economic or marital status.

This fight, it truly isn’t over ‘babies’, were it over ‘babies’ we would not see children living on the streets, living in cars without enough to eat, without enough to wear in the winter, without clean water. Were this truly about the ‘babies’ we would not be fighting to keep intact programs to provide for born children, for healthcare, education and their overall welfare and well-being.

No this is not about ‘babies’ or children. This fight is about slut shaming and it is about religious imposition. This fight is about smashing a great big red A or S depending on which you prefer on the breast of every woman who demands a life of her own, including the freedom to choose how, when and with whom she will have sex.

A and S extended

The fight over abortion has been ugly; it is about more than abortion though and none of us should ever forget this salient truth. It is about access to healthcare for women and children, as well as, access to birth control for all women and young men too. This fight has extended well beyond the fight over access to safe abortion, it is about whether women have the right to control their lives, not just their reproductive lives, their entire lives including economic, educational and even whom they choose as partners. This fight is about our future as women in this nation, thus it is also about the future of men.

I will not get into the science of when a pregnancy represents a viable human life, we honestly could argue this issue day in and day out and it would break down into name calling and ideology within no more than five comments. I tend to believe what those who have studied human development, embryology and medical science tell me, for a view of the entire process I quite like Visible Embryo I think this site does a superior job of showing and telling the story.

We use conventions to identify the sides of this battle over women, their bodies and their choices. Naming the one side Pro Life is inaccurate and poorly defines them. I do not want to spend time defining the contradiction of the Pro-Life platform with some of their other ideologies, suffice to say it is impossible to align them, at least for me.

This isn’t to say all those who are ‘Pro-Life’ fall into the vehement and ugly ideologies some are truly well meaning with sincerely held beliefs. Arguing with these folks regarding ensoulment is a waste of breath. My preference is simply to accept their beliefs and explain gently I have a different belief and am entitled to it, Constitutionally. I then ask, if you are truly Pro-Life do you support the following and if so how do you align that support:

  • Reduction of SNAP
  • Reduction of Education programs, for adults and children
  • Reduction in funding for after school programs and Head Start
  • Reduction in funding for Free Lunch programs
  • Reduction in WIC
  • Reduction to programs to help disadvantaged neighborhoods and youth
  • Reduction to Planned Parenthood funding, which is sometimes the only source of healthcare for women
  • Reduced access to Birth Control for women
  • Abstinence only education

I have likely missed several programs; these were the ones I could think of off the top of my head that directly affected women and children already born, in this world and needing our help every day.

Getting back to what spurred this entire rant though, poor Chelsea. She no sooner announces the happy and momentous news that she will be delivering her first child later this year the ugly begins. What is it with the The Ninth Annual CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund Awards - Inside Arrivalsopposition; nothing can simply be a happy announcement of a new stage of a young woman’s life. This nation is all turned in and upside down when Kim Kardashian delivers a child or when the royal family has another prince. For these events, we spend hours of bandwidth. But for the daughter of a President, we have nothing but scorn?

All I can say at this point, there is no one I know who is Pro-Abortion. Many I know who are Pro-Choice, without qualification or question. Should there be limitations in the later stages of pregnancy, yes of course, however these are well known and accepted by all right thinking human beings. The ugliness of this argument and how it leaks into everything, even the happy announcement of a young women who is not in the public eye except infrequently is simply another indication of how very ugly this nation has become. It makes me sad.

A good read (short).

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-aaron-alexander/stop-calling-it-a-pro-life-movement_b_3577440.html

Filed Under: Series: The Soapbox Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Justice for Sale

April 9, 2014 by

NewJusticeWe were handed a stunning blow as citizens of the United States of America, SCOTUS said our voices were less than those of great wealth, less than the voices of anonymous corporations, less than the voices of those who were able buy our once great Republic. On 1-January-2010, the people of the United States of America were told in no uncertain terms, our voices would count for less and our nation would change to accommodate the will of whose money could buy seats at the table.

We stomped our feet. We complained. We talked among ourselves and pointed our fingers at those we knew were behind the scenes pulling the strings. We rung our hands and cried, ‘woe is us, what now?’

We Blinked

We allowed what we knew was an ethically and morally challenged court to remain seated and continue to hear cases that would change the course of this nation. We watched as case after case went before what we knew were politically motivated justices, in bed with politicians, PACS and lobbyists (in some cases literally in bed with them every night) and we did nothing. Well nothing isn’t entirely true, is it? We whined, we created cute memes and posted them on Facebook hoping they would go viral, we had battles of wits with our opponents on the other side of the divide, we wrote scathing blogs and we wrung our hands. Nevertheless, in fact, we did absolutely not one blessed thing to change the tide.

Meanwhile, ALEC, Heritage Foundation, American Crossroads, American Family, Citizen United, Freedom Watch, Family Research Council, John Birch and Freedom Works; naming just a few of the big ones intent on undermining your and my way of life and our opportunity at the American Dream, have worked hard to get every challenge heard in the highest courts in the land. Their stooges, like Shaun McCutcheon, do their bidding, becoming the face of our diminished democratic processes, the focus of our ire. Meanwhile those truly holding the purse strings gleefully sit back, observing the destruction and plotting the next strike against the Republic.

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Hand Wringing and Weeping

The truth is we could be doing more if we weren’t so stuck on the idea we can do nothing. If our backbone weren’t so weak, so gelatinous we could be demanding the same loyalty of our elected officials with our confirmed moneyed speech the 1% demand of theirs. Rather than hanging our heads and wringing our hands, we should remember we ‘own’ our elected officials; we are the people who stand in line to pull the lever and put them in the position to direct or misdirect our lives through their actions in office. This is true whether they are Red, Blue, Green or Purple. This is a true statement whether they believe it or not. Those officials, from the President of the United States down to the lowest Dog Catcher are beholden to you and I for their seat at the table, they represent us not the special interests who would see our Democratic Republic become something other than a nation for and by the people.

Roberts Court

These are not elected officials

What’s Wrong with this Picture?

Consider the problems of this court and then ask yourself does it makes sense.

Justice Scalia, who regularly and publicly castigates the President of the United State, speaks at Conservative forums without shame and shows extreme bias in his questioning from the bench. This is a man who makes no bones about his position and uses that position to do great harm.

“Can’t scare me,” he told a reporter who got on line with audience members to ask a question. “I have life tenure.” Justice Antonin Scalia, Medford, MA Tufts University 10/20131220px-Antonin_Scalia,_SCOTUS_photo_portrait

Next, let’s take a peek under the robe of Clarence Thomas (shudder) and his wife Virginia. Nominated to the bench by George H. Bush in 1991, Justice Thomas was tainted before he was sworn in. Despite the testimony of Anita Hill regarding his sexual harassment, despite the witnesses waiting to testify who were never called Clarence Thomas was passed onto the Supreme Court and continues to serve, for Life. He never asks a question, he also never recuses himself from any case. Prior to his time on the highest court of the land, he represented Monsanto for four years, thereafter moved back into the political arena.

220px-Clarence_Thomas_official_SCOTUS_portraitWhile Justice Thomas has many questionable ethics it is truly who he lays down with every night that should make us all cringe. Not because she is simply mean, but because she has used her association with him to further her own political agenda and they have both benefited by his seat on the bench. A short synopsis of Ginny’s connections:

  • 1985 – 1989 Attorney for US Chamber of Commerce, one of her efforts included advocacy against the Family Leave Act. She was considered highly successful within certain circles because of her personal commitment and passion.
  • 1991,  Legislative Affairs Office of the United States Department of Labor, during this time she argued strong against equal pay for equal work, specifically to close the gender gap. Thereafter she went to work for Congressman Dick Armey ( R ), as a policy analyst until 2009. Though her time in this role raised conflict of interest challenges for her husband during his confirmation hearings.
  • 2000, our Ginny found her calling with the Heritage Foundation a Right Wing Think Tank and lobbying group. Ginny Thomas was at the forefront of the effort to gather and submit resumes for the Bush administration,
    In her glory, Ginny Thomas

    In her glory, Ginny Thomas

    during the time the Supreme Court was deciding Bush-v-Gore. Can you say Conflict of Interest? Many did.

  •  2009, finally Clarence must have had enough Ginny opened her own shop though it went through a couple of make-overs before settling into its current operation, Liberty Consulting, Inc. With strong ties to the Tea Party and no shame in selling her connections in ‘high places’, she is a frequent guest on Fox, including Hannity and others. In addition to her ‘consulting’ company our Ginny is a member of Groundswell2.

Should I say it one more time? Can you spell Conflict of Interest? Yet, he continues to sit on the bench.

I have to ask again, what is wrong with SCOTUS? We have always sought to have ‘our’ guy, meaning the President in office when a Justice retires so we can balance the court in our favor. There isn’t anything unusual in this strategy. Sometimes we win; sometimes we lose and the court shifts slightly. However, currently we have a court so blatant in their disregard for their position as one of the branches of Government, the arbiter of final Constitutional interpretation that slight shift is wreaking our democratic process. The Robert’s court has aligned themselves with the Right Wing of the Legislative Branch and sold our Republic a Bill of Goods with no Return and no Refund policy. Worse, they make no bones of their agenda, with their choice of cases or their questions from the bench.

It is Time to Stop our Hand Wringing and Bitching

A Supreme Court Justice can be impeached; their jobs are not for life. They can be removed if it can be shown they have not acted according to their oaths of office. Article III of the US Constitution says the following:

“The judges, both of the supreme and inferior courts, shall hold their offices during good behavior…”

These are not elected officials, they do nonetheless serve at our pleasure, they are public servants. This means despite their obvious disdain, they are the people’s servants. It is time for a groundswell of our own, it is time to stand up and demand a change. Not just in Congress, but throughout this corrupt system, including here in the courts even this, the highest court of our nation.

It is time.

1 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/02/antonin-scalia-government-shutdown_n_4033524.html

2 http://www.motherjones.com/mojo/2013/07/groundswell-right-wing-strategy-group-members-photos?slide=7

For Donor tag 1: http://www.opensecrets.org/overview/

The entire Federal Law on Campaign Finance: http://www.fec.gov/law/feca/feca.pdf

The 2013-2014 Limits on Campaign Contributions: http://www.fec.gov/pages/brochures/biennial.shtml

Top group donations by Party: http://www.opensecrets.org/overview/topcontribs.php

Top individual donations with partisan bent: http://www.opensecrets.org/overview/topindivs.php

Filed Under: Politics Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Heartbreak at START

April 7, 2014 by

my.operaLast Thursday was Victim Impact with young people in the START (Short Term Residential Treatment) program. This where juveniles land when all else fails, when probation conditions have been broken and less intensive interventions are not working. START is the last stop before full on detention in one of Texas’ lock-down facilities is ordered. The program is 90 days, includes peer-to-peer counseling, one-on-one counseling, group counseling, educational resources, parent inclusion and of course Victim Impact.

I have been doing Victim Impact for years now; you would think it would get easier to tell the story, it doesn’t. You would think it wouldn’t hurt so much; you would be wrong. Some days it is worse than others, there are days when my calendar pops up to remind, ready myself to make the drive to whatever facility I am speaking and my heart clenches, my eyes tear up and I think to myself, “what if I just call and cancel, say I am ill or have had a fatal accident.” I never do though, not once in all these years, no matter how much I didn’t want to stand up and tell the story.

Last week, was one of those days. I didn’t want to stand up and talk. I didn’t want to talk about what happened to my family. I didn’t want to talk about the three young men who ruined their own lives. Last week, I simply didn’t want to do any of it. Last week I found myself hard pressed to find compassion in my soul, the one thing I need when I look into the faces of these young people and tell my story.

Sixteen young men and one young woman marched single file into the room and took their seats. If I had to guess their ages, they were between fourteen and sixteen. None older than sixteen, none younger than thirteen, I have seen them younger but I have never seen them older. These are hard young people; they have seen the world through the prism of indifference, anger, hunger, bad schools, racism, drugs, violence, the foster care system and a host of other things most of us can never imagine, not in our wildest and worst nightmares. This program, it is their last shot before they are permanently marked as unsalvageable and outside of societies care.

Image Tradenewswire.net

Image Tradenewswire.net

Despite the admonishment to sit up straight, they slouched down in their seats staring at their own or my feet. There was a rumble through the introductions; my audience clearly did not want to be in this small cramped room to hear what I had to say. Well, honestly, the feeling was mutual but nevertheless here we all were and we were going to get through this together.

“When you look at me what do you see?”

Every time I start the same, it breaks the ice and helps me understand how far in the process each group is. Their answers rarely differ much, though sometimes we have some fun. This group, they were more observant than most:

  • Scars, you have had a hard life.
  • Tattoos, a few were showing despite being mostly covered by sleeves and pants.
    • ‘You’re OG aren’t you?’
  • Lots of piercings.
  • You thick (said quietly until I made him speak up) then there was lots of laughter.
  • You dress good.
    • I said well and got blank stares, so I explained.
  • You white.
  • You hard but you smile.
  • You seem like you smart.

That was the list. There were a few more, mostly about my clothes, my hair, my eye color. The list is so they can think about it as I talk and so I can reference it when I am done, so I can make my own list.

The story is always the same; it doesn’t change how could it? Slowly their attention begins to shift from the floor to me. This also isn’t unusual; I am a good storyteller able to speak to them in a language they understand with characters they might have known. The protagonists could be them, the victim not a hero but someone they can see. I don’t hold them for ransom keeping the spotlight all to myself instead I allow discussion throughout.

We talk, I answer their questions; some are silly. Yes, it does hurt to be shot. Some are not silly and I have answered this one more than once, No, I do not regret offering to help a young man I thought was in trouble, though the outcome was something terrible. Some questions are hard though I am asked every single time I speak; No, I do not hate Black people, no I am not afraid of Black men young or old, no I do not even hate my offenders.

Then I was asked a question that broke my heart.

“Do you ever wish you hadn’t lived, with all the pain you have suffered since then; do you ever wish you hadn’t survived?”

The question stunned me. I looked into the eyes of this young man, he couldn’t have been more than fifteen, his eyes held such pain. My heart cracked a little bit as I tried to draw air into my lungs and search for the right answer to give. The real answer was, ‘yes, in the early days sometimes I did wish that.’ This though was my answer.

‘No, I don’t regret living. I don’t even regret the pain; it reminds me I am alive. If I hadn’t lived, I would have missed all the joys in my life. Like seeing, my sons marry and holding my grandchildren, like falling in love, more than once. If I hadn’t lived, I wouldn’t have known what it meant to be stronger than I ever knew was possible, overcoming more than I thought possible, learning to walk again and the great joy of going dancing again for the very first time. No, I don’t regret living.’

In that moment, I felt my compassion finally bloom.

I stared at that young man, but at all the young people in the room. I told them again, they had great worth; they were worth more than they believed and they could choose to be more. I told them again I believed and that was why, even when I didn’t want to, I got there and I stood up and talked to them. They asked how I climbed out of where I started from; I told them I read books. They asked what books, I gave them reading lists. I don’t lie to them, I tell them truth about my life, where I came from and what I did that I was really one of them at one time, ‘A real OG.’

Two hours and some change later, I gave them my list:

  • Mother
  • Grandmother
  • Sister
  • Aunt
  • Friend

When they can see a stranger on the street, see instead of ‘other’ they are the same, then they will begin to understand empathy and compassion. By the end though, that is what they saw in me. They didn’t care I wouldn’t tell them my race or ethnic heritage, only that I told them it wasn’t important. They didn’t care that I wouldn’t tell them my religion, only that it informed me.

In my hour-long drive home, I couldn’t stop thinking of some of these young people, the ones who might make it and those who likely wouldn’t. The ones who fronted to look hard but asked questions that told a different story. I weep, for them and for us. We fail them, each time we cut back on education and services, when a young person says to me his only option is to commit crimes if he and his siblings are going to eat that day, I weep. When a young man hangs his head and repeats my story of delinquency, foster care and running away, holding his head in his hands; I know it is his story. I weep. When a young man begs for a reading list because his school isn’t serving him, hungry for knowledge and way out, I weep.

Argicles.businessinsider Image

Argicles.businessinsider Image

 

So should we all weep. But when a young man asks if I sometimes wish I hadn’t survived, then my heart breaks because no fifteen year old child should know that much pain. Ever.

 

Victim Impact the Series: https://valentinelogar.com/category/series-victim-impact/

The Story: https://valentinelogar.com/category/series-crime-and-punishment/

Filed Under: Series: Victim Impact Tagged With: , , , ,

Not Strong

February 27, 2014 by

1343863240_3320_fearIt is all I can do not to stay in bed all day every day. That seems to be the safest and most secure place in the entire world, my bed. I do not want to get up, for anything but a fresh cup of coffee and now and then some instant soup. Once a week I strip the sheets, replacing them with clean linens. I have a king sized bed, covered in pillows. I sleep on one small part, the furthest away from the door. It takes me less than two minutes to make the bed in the morning because I barely move in my sleep, barely wrinkle the bed covers.

It is all I can do not to stay in my bed all day every day.

I am on the brink of throwing my hands in the air and giving in, giving up. Just saying fuck it all, why bother.

It has been seventy-six days since my husband, the one I called Dearly Beloved walked away from our marriage without a backward glance or a good-bye. It may be more but that is how long it has been for me.

It has been fifty-eight days since I have had an income. I will admit this is my choice, but who knew it would be so difficult to find another contract. Who knew, certainly not me or I might have chosen differently. I might have chosen to continue to be miserable, bullied and treated disrespectfully for the privilege of a paycheck.

At my age, perhaps that is the best I can hope for, the market certainly seems to be telling me I have no real value and my experience is not worth a damn.

It is all I can do not to stay in bed all day, every day. Some days, I give in and I do.

I am becoming what I do not want to be, what I fight hard not to be, what I never wanted to be.

Bitter.lonely-old-woman

Angry.

Uninspired.

A recluse.

I am unable to find my way out of this fog. Every ‘no’ feels like a nail pounded into my body sending me deeper into hiding, into my self imposed and designed hermitage. My fear is overwhelming, some days I wander through my home and wonder, when will I lose it? When will I lose everything I have worked for my entire life? While I was busy taking care of everyone else, making certain everyone had what they thought they needed, what they wanted and then throwing it back in my face as not enough; now, when will I lose what is left?

I can’t breathe.

I am so tired of people telling me I am strong. Yes, I get it I am strong enough to have survived all the world has thrown at me. I have picked myself up and slogged through the quagmire. I have done that, often I have done it without help from any damned person who was supposed to be there for me. I did it without getting hardhearted and mean-spirited, for the most part. At least I think this is true. I have to be honest though, the next person who tells me I am strong, I will get through this I am liable to throw them to the ground and kick them till they take it back.

Does anyone understand I am not strong? I am what the world made me, but I am not strong. I am just me, weak, tired, afraid and alone. I could win an Oscar for the front I put up, making certain everyone around me sees what they expect to see and gets what they need. I have only one question…….

When is it my turn? When will someone step up to take care of me?

Okay, that was two. After all these years though, aren’t they fair?

I can’t breathe and I am afraid.

Filed Under: Series: Dumpster Diving Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Not Enough

February 13, 2014 by
Hurricane Dean NOAA

Hurricane Dean NOAA

The power of ‘No’ can be compared to a Category 5 Hurricane, blows in off warm waters leaving devastation as its calling card. Even when the word is unspoken, it echoes, bouncing through heart, soul and perhaps worse, mind brutalizing with self-doubt and ‘what if’. Self-flagellation is a terrible trap; one I think might be all too easy to fall into especially when combined with ‘No’. This is not an issue of self-pity, not at all an issue of the glass being half empty or even depression creeping in and shaking me harder than normal. Though I suspect all these things are present and accounted for in my current state of mind; no, this is simply an acknowledgment of ‘No’ and ‘What if’ being part of the echo chamber.

Truly, I don’t know why the past week has been so hard. No, that is a lie and if nothing else I shouldn’t lie to myself, I know why.

It is hard because when I look in the mirror I see me, I am not overly impressed and it hurts.

It is hard because I am frightened, it isn’t a feeling I do well.

It is hard because the sound of no, even when silent is battering what small bit of ego I have remaining.

It is hard because the sound of my own voice is the only one I hear most days.

It is hard because despite my best intentions I feel myself slipping between the cracks.

It is hard because it isn’t fair, I feel childish when I say that which simply pisses me off.

It is hard because I am full of regrets, I am afraid that is what it will be forever and ever. Amen.

My husband left me; he says it is my fault. Okay I accept that, the fault lies with me. I was not enough, I did not do enough or I changed too much, or I wanted too much or something simply wasn’t right and I didn’t add up. My pragmatic self, the part of me that wants to move forward quietly says, ‘accept, allow this to flow over and past you. It doesn’t define you.’

The reality?

I am right now, right this minute defined by the pain I am feeling by the loss. I am right now, right this minute defined by the echo chamber of, ‘Not enough’.

I am not working right now. For twenty-two years, I have built a career in a field that was hard on women. I have worked my proverbial ass off. I have fought for every good reference, I have been demeaned all too often, I have been called names, I have been ignored and passed over for promotions I earned, I have earned less than my male counterparts. I have watched my industry be outsourced and in-sourced. I have been bullied more than once, with no consequence to the bully. Now, when I should be reaping the benefits of my hard work, my great references, my long hours; now I am hearing, ‘No’, more than any other word in the dictionary. Now when I want to stop travel, stop consulting, stop fighting for contracts. Now when I can make my life easier with less people to support, now ‘No’ seems to be the biggest word in the English language.

Why?

We don’t think you can make the transition.

You have too much experience.

We don’t think you will be happy taking the cut in pay.

Of course, the code is you are too old. I am only fifty-six years old; I still have many years left to go. I am still a viable human being with an active brain and much to offer. Why can’t someone, anyone just be honest? We don’t want to hire you, you don’t fit the profile of what we want sitting in our offices. You are too fat, too old, whatever it is. Just stop beating around the bush just say it.

Instead, along with ‘Not Enough’, ‘No’ screams in the echo chamber, dances through telling me I am not worthy of recognition or of value on any scale I used to measure myself against. My fear beats against my chest wall, battering me, demanding the answer to the question, ‘what if everything you did was for nothing, what if all the long days, long weeks, long hours; what if it was for nothing?’

Now, today I find myself trying to make reservations to return to Seattle for what is likely the final bedside vigil of my nemesis, my second mother. I do this not because I owe her this final courtesy, I do this because, hell because I have compassion for both her and my baby brother who I love despite his lack of understanding of why this isn’t my place. I do this because no one should pass from this earth alone. I do this because I hope someday someone will do it for me. I do this because I do not want my brother’s heart to break thinking she was alone. Yet in doing it I weep tears of frustration and yes even some fury, because he doesn’t understand why he asks much of me. He will never understand why I say to him, it isn’t my place.

So my heart cracks. My eyes leak. My fury, it seems also to be present and accounted for and the echo chamber that is my mind continues to whisper, ‘Not Enough’ and ‘No’ and even ‘What if’.

 

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