Something More-Awaken

I woke this morning and felt a shift, I felt as if I both woke and Awakened. Yes, I awakened this morning rose up from bed, opened my eyes, poured coffee and stretched … perhaps not necessarily in that order. Probably most of us follow a similar pattern; this morning though I felt something shift as I said, I Awakened, it was a feeling of both wide-eyed wakefulness and discontent.

Perhaps we should all AWAKEN.625586_303164629782392_1024274362_n

I opened my eyes this morning and said to myself what can I do to extend myself? How can I enforce upon myself more than simply doing the same-old-same-old and thus obviously getting the same results. I want more from this year. I want my passions to mean something, even if it means putting me out there in the public eye.

Shit do I mean that?

That is one hell of a risk. That could mean loss of income, loss of the protective wall I have drawn about myself. That could mean loss of anonymity, which I retain some bit of to keep my blogging life walled off from my professional life.

Dearly Beloved has said to me sometimes, “You need to go into politics.

I laugh hysterically at this suggestion and explain with calm certainty why this is such a terrible idea:

  1. My past is checkered and in politics nothing is private
  2. I have a terrible, terrible inability to contain myself. I would, like John Boehner apparently did recently, simply tell some people to F*ck off rather than continue to entertain their boneheaded and idiotic ideas.
  3. It is very costly these days to run a campaign, even locally. I do not have the requisite ‘azz kissing’, ‘baby kissing’, ‘begging’, ‘making promises I have no intention of keeping’, ‘lying through my teeth while smiling at you’ required to raise the money needed for a campaign and I am incapable of being nice to people who want to buy unreasonable promises.
  4. He, along with every other member of my family, would be the target of media investigation and smearing. I would not do this to my loved ones. It takes a very special sort of sociopath to not give a tinker damn who gets hurt on your race to the brass balls of power.

I don’t really want to be a politician. I don’t really like many of the people who wake up one day and say to themselves, “I want to make my life’s work Politics, I want to be a complete Azzhat, screw everyone I have ever grubs
known and anyone I might ever know in the future”.
This is not to say all politicians start out as nefarious grub worms; they sure do end up that way 99% of the time.

Maybe it is something in the water.

I want more. I want my survival of crappy life circumstances to mean more. I want to do some good in the world and know it means something. As my sister Red (bless her wonderful observational skills)  pointed out, writing this blog is sometimes counter-productive. Whether pulling back the curtain on my history or stomping through the muck of our political landscape, I have a captive audience for my rages and ranting’s, one that mostly likes me and won’t spank me to hard even when I am on a tear.

My other audience is even more captive, hell they wear Orange jumpsuits issued by the State of Texas. While I like to think I reach some of them that my words do more than rest on the side of their head until they return to their units for count, I don’t know and I will never know. It is part of what of what is bothering me this year, the not knowing; do I do good with these treks into my personal wilderness, this pulling back of curtain of what it means to be a victim so offenders can learn empathy?

I awaken and question my purpose. It isn’t enough anymore just to fling my words to the page for you to read and us to talk about. Though this is a part of me I do not wish to abandon, I have found myself in this endeavor and I have found you.

I awaken; I question my commitment to Victim Impact and realize this is important. It isn’t just important to me, it is an important program and if even one person’s life changes that is enough; it has to be.

I awaken; I realize my life feels different not less, not more just different today from yesterday. I want something more, more heft; more texture maybe something more scratchy. Perhaps I am finally coming into my own. What does that mean? Coming into my own, where have I been?

Well, I woke up this morning at 3:22AM. I wasn’t altogether happy about the time but I wasn’t going back to sleep either. I grabbed a cuppa and considered what I have been thinking about for days, awakening.

I leave you with this wonderful song a friend sent to me a couple of days ago of Maya Angelo’s poem Phenomenal Woman, I have listened to it at least 50 times since she sent it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Comments

  1. I think I understand what you mean, Valentine. It is important to speak, to pass on, to educate through words. To make others think. But what are we doing? Maybe we are doing. But is it enough? Or is it the right thing? I feel a bit that way right now. I hope I can awaken and find the answers …

    • I am still rubbing the sleep from my eyes, daily it seems. Still searching for the means to speak up and out. Perhaps we all go through these phases. I think as we grow into our authentic selves, gain confidence we also feel that need to grab hold and stand up.

  2. Very thought – and soul – provoking. I’ve been feeling the same restless yearning for…something. Some kind of change, but I don’t know what. And I’m scared of change so I make itty bitty baby step changes and hope that satisfies the itch.

    I love that poem – thank you for reminding me of it.

  3. I think it is exciting when this type of phenomenon occurs…an awakening…and some people are never in tune when their hearts and minds are speaking to them, leading them into unchartered waters. I feel sorry for people who accept and live in the status quo, for there is so much to do in this world and so many ways to do it. I find, for me, the most fulfilling of all circumstances comes in being of service to others. Of course, now is my time to be focusing on raising my daughter first and foremost, but in between moments I’m also always trying to think of ways to create some light in a person’s life-and I share that with Maycee, too. I can’t wait to see where your heart leads you in this revitalized journey! XOXO-SWM

  4. I commented before watching the video. If had watched the video first, my entire comment would have been on how spectacular that video is.

    I love this poem.I’ve never heard it put to music. Now I will never hear it otherwise. I want every woman I know to watch that video every morning when she awakens. . and Awakens. 🙂

  5. What a wonderful experience. It sounds like you’re describing what is often called a call to duty or simply a calling.

    Sadly, I agree with Red’s perspective about the world outside the blogosphere. Recently I wanted to read and think and talk about more important things and I experimented on several news sites. The lack of civil discourse, and the drowning out of those voices attempting to do so by the viciousness engendered by anonymity was absolutely overwhelming.

    And this line from your post had me nodding furiously in agreement:
    It takes a very special sort of sociopath to not give a tinker damn who gets hurt on your race to the brass balls of power. . Those who go into it with the purest intentions still have to get down in the mud with those people. Or, as Lily Tomlin once said, “Even if you win the rat race, you’re still a rat.”

    Still, your still, small voice is telling you it’s time. . . for something, and that is a wonderful experience. Maya Angelou’s words, as always, should serve as a nice cloak of assuredness and determination. Go, you!

    • I love the Lily Tomlin quote, thank you for that one! Did you listen to the song? When my friend sent it to me I think she was trying to tell me something, she sent it after a teary discussion regarding her marriage and her need for ‘me time’. I was knocked out.

      You are right my inner voice is saying more. My mind is asking how. Your experience on some of the political sites mirrors mine, I have given up trying to have civil discussions with the opposition, even within my own family it is impossible.

  6. ****I want my passions to mean something***

    I wish this for you, too, Val.

    Sooo Powerful. Xxxx

  7. I agree with the big “No” to actually going into politics — I don’t have the stamina for it for one, my husband and son don’t have the personalities for it, and I would get too frustrated too quickly.

    So, Like you, I’m trying to figure out ways of helping. Your Victims Impact program is amazing, and I can’t tell you how much I admire you for what you do with that.

    So what to do? Ah, that is the question.

    Beautifully put as always, Val.

  8. I know you will find something that fits your passion. You do have a voice – use it!

    • I think you might be right, about finding that soapbox that is. It is simply a matter of making certain the box is centered and my high heels aren’t to wobbly. My voice? I have always been able to speak without a microphone in very large rooms!

  9. Inspirational, as I think that many of us feel the same as this time of the year and maybe this is your gentle nudge that better things are on the horizon for you

    • I think instead this is my nudge it is time for me to do something, time to do something different or more. Time to get off my azz and out of my box. Stop being scared. Stand up and speak out.

      So attaching my parachute and figuring out how to pull that rip cord is the next order of business.

  10. By gosh, you may be on the verge of harnessing your passion! 🙂 … and oh my my, I didn’t realize you connect to Red, who I met at Guapo’s birthday celebration.

  11. I love you to pieces. I hope what we discussed comes into being. I think it is just the birth you need. It will be handing the big, bad world a touch of comeuppance while gentling along a better tomorrow. You have always had it in you. I believe today, you woke up to the fact letting it out was what you were meant to do. ❤

    • I am looking at all those independent pieces of paper and thinking to myself, like hell don’t you have enough to do. But yes, sister of my blood and heart I will do it.

  12. I dig it, whatever you decide to do! Is Red actually your sister? And do you talk to prison groups? Are you thinking about politics or about lobbying or leading causes? I think it’s great to come out, so to speak, to refuse to hide ourselves . . .

    • Red is my business partner, the sister of my heart which is the truest sister there can be. I talk to her more than any of my blood. She is my touchstone and the one person I know who will tell me the truth when I need it.

      Yes, Red is my sister.

      Yes, I walk into prisons and speak to prison groups. I am part of Victim Impact and have been for many years. I also speak to Parole groups, Juvenile Groups and First Responders. I am part of the State sponsored Victim Impact program, one of the few ‘first person’ victims in the program willing to speak ‘behind the wall’ as they say. Because the program sponsors are aware of my history I am involved in a couple of different programs; Domestic Violence, Sexual Offender Violence and Victim of Violence. The sexual offender program focuses on juveniles.

      As to the last, I don’t know yet. I can honestly say no not politics directly. But perhaps leading causes and lobby.

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