My House

200This is a celebration of sorts, two hundred blog posts. This is it #200, maybe a little cheating a couple of re-blogs not many so this is it 200. What do I want to do?

Balloons? Confetti? Pop a cork on some cheap champagne?

Nah, none of that (maybe a little), in fact I have a different agenda in mind entirely. I want to talk about manners, courtesy and the rules of engagement within the context of the blogosphere. I want to talk about rude people, crude people, self-entitled people; those who believe they don’t have to watch their mouths, wipe their feet or mind their manners in your house. People who don’t understand the concept that your blog is in truth your house, somewhere you get to make the rules, where you are under no obligation to post their comments or allow their comments to remain caused me some surprise.

The idea people would stalk a blog just waiting for the opportunity to pounce was a new one on me. The first time it happened, honestly I thought it was an anomaly just one of those things brought on by an obnoxious discussion on a different blog. I figured, well this is simply the price I pay for allowing myself to be drawn into a ridiculous debate with a person who is of no consequence to me, the price? What I thought was one-time visit and another ridiculous discussion.

myhouse

Then came the most recent muddle, I was drawn into the discussion again. I considered that I was snared by this very same person because despite previous experience I refused to believe the evidence of my own eyes and experience; that is, I gave this person the benefit of the doubt. I considered that perhaps it was culture; I discarded this idea after discussion with several people from the same part of the world. The fact is, we all speak English and while we might speak the language differently; manners, civility and simple common courtesy are the same the world over.

DSC_3307klein1Then I realized, no this person is simply one of those people who believe they are entitled to pollute, believe they are entitled to sprinkle their bad attitude, pepper their myopic worldviews and scattershot their self-righteousness wherever they please. What gave me a clue? Well, the last exchange was personal, not only was it personal it was an attack it was one that attacked me based on my history, suggested I wrote disingenuously, further suggested that while it was ‘sad’ I was shot ‘or’ raped I should just ‘get over it’ and stop writing about it non-stop since everyone had bad things in their lives to deal with but didn’t let it make them bitter.

I deleted this post on my site. This poster suggested any response I made would be to my other readers, those who agreed with me of which they were not one since they would not be reading it.

This exchange got me thinking. I considered responses but mostly I considered why anyone would behave this way. It isn’t the first time I have seen this behavior, only the first time in what is usually a more courteous, calmer environment. This type of behavior I would normally have assigned to the hit and run of public sites such as Facebook or some of the unmoderated chat rooms.

With that being said, this is my response to these exchanges.

This is my house. You are not required to agree with everything I say; in fact, I welcome debate on those subjects where it is normal to debate. My rules apply though and they are simple.

  1. Be courteous in your response, whether that response is to others or me.
  2. Never assume I won’t respond to you simply because you are responding to another poster.
  3. Stay on subject. Really, the post I write are generally about one thing stay there. If I wanted to talk about something else I would have written about something else.
  4. No name calling or personal attacks will be tolerated, ever.
  5. I will give you one warning, then I will put you in moderation till you clean up your act.

This really is my house. When I come to your house, I will always try to be courteous. I will wipe my feet at the door. I will smoke outside. I will put a coaster under my glass. I won’t curse (despite my ability and sometime propensity to do so). In turn, have a little respect and show some manners I know most of you have some broughtupsie.

In the future, I am going to try hard not to let people derail me, offend me or hurt my feelings in my own house. I will also not allow them to come into my house and offend you. I hope you will tell me if they do.

KickmFor those of you who have visited me in my house through 200 posts, thank you so much. I adore you, appreciate you and am glad you are here. Thank you for allowing me to use my 200th for a rant.

Comments

  1. Firstly, congrats on 200 posts. Secondly, so sad to hear you have a troll. I have several who come and go on mine. I use to let it go in the hope that people would respond to them but now I just delete the posts rather than modify the comments. Heavy sigh.

    • It is a disturbing trend I think. People believe they are not accountable for their actions because they are behind a screen, they are anonymous. It isn’t true they, their words still have the power to do harm, to hurt and to be toxic.

      I will not delete posts, not mine at least. I hope you mean you delete the comments of the troll, which is what I did.

      It is simply easier to use the power of the moderate and delete.

      like you, heavy sigh.

      • No I ususally delete the post, it really isn’t worth upsetting people and anywho as you know I have plenty more where that came from. WordPress should have a Troll button , three strikes and you go under the bridge… forever 🙂

  2. Congratulation on your 200th post. Keep them coming. I’m support your house rules.

  3. Congrats, Val! 200 posts–that’s awesome. I’ve had the trolls as I’ve written about in previous posts, but I have found the best way to deal with them is not to engage. A couple of these trolls WERE friends until they tried to engage my readers in a spat. That was when I put on the comment moderation for everyone because so called “friends” had abused the privilege of access. Your guidelines are correct: your house, your rules! Cheers!

    • I swear, I do not understand people sometimes. What is wrong with some common courtesy and manners? I will not resort to moderation on everyone simply because it is to much effort. I would rather block the rare few who are obnoxious brats.

      Thank you

  4. Right on, Val. Although I have yet to be on the receiving end of this kind of behavior (mainly because I write humor on pretty safe topics), I’m amazed at how often I see spite being spewed all over.

    These kind of people remind me of those who yell at their kids all the time. I think they feel powerless in real life around real, grownup people who won’t tolerate their crap. So they unload where they feel powerful and anonymous.

    That, or they’re just jerks. One of those things.

  5. I have blogged for the Huffington Post, but I haven’t done it in a while, mostly because there, people can be very mean-spirited. I got so much nasty stuff, it jaded me. Which is one of the reasons I haven’t blogged there in a long time. I think one of the things about the blogosphere is some people feel that they can be anonymous here and get away with saying vile things. But it still hurts, even if we don’t know who’s saying it.

    • There are a few places (other than here) I write now and then. A few I am more controversial than here and when I post a controversial subject I expect backlash. But here, well I try to keep it kind, even on my more ranty days. I just don’t know why people have to be so nasty. Thus the rules. Not going to allow people to be ugly to my guests or for that matter to me. You are right, it does hurt.

  6. Hey rant away Val I don’t mind in the least and besides you have a valid reason to be soooooo miffed off with those un-cool creepos and misfits, yes I have had several of those in my time on the Internet, some have been obnoxious and others incredibly ridiculous but in essence they are all from the same nasty apple society and we do not want that kind of rubbish on any of our blogs 🙂

    Ahhhhhhhhh now that makes me feel a lot better, okay point the asshole out and I will send the Zombies round for a visit and we all know what their manners are like don’t we Val? 🙂 lmao

    Okay you, have a wonderful rest of evening with celebratory Champagne and lots of yummy chocolates, marshmallows, wine gums and pancakes aplenty 🙂 😉 This posting was well said and extremely well ranted for your 200th Blog Posting, I like it a lot, and now onto the next 200 🙂 Wow I can’t wait 🙂 lol

    Andro xxxx

    • Exactly, rubbish must be tossed. Thankfully we have the tools to kick it to the curb without much drama. This simply allowed me the platform to not only rant a bit, but also establish some rules going forward. My tolerance for bad behavior, nastiness, low class and low intelligence snarkiness is nil. Some people may believe they have the right to spread their hatefulness wherever they land, even that they are welcome wherever they choose to fart their stench; it simply isn’t true.

      As to pointing this particular nasty one out. No, I don’t think I will do that. There is no reason to do so. The person lands in places many others land, I just don’t happen to find their ‘humor’ or self-righteous judgmental snark funny or acceptable, here or elsewhere. The difference is, I can control it here.

      Thank you my friend, have a chocolate for me. 😉

      • Hey not just one chocolate Val, let’s share the whole
        box and be naughty 🙂 😉 I know what you mean about
        the idiots, and they have no place in our blogosphere…

        Have a very nice rest of
        evening and a lovely Thursday
        also my sweet friend 🙂

        Andro xxxx

  7. Congratulations on 200 posts! I can’t believe you’ve had such a negative person commenting. A toast to your beautiful house and blog. I don’t visit as much as I’d like, but love it just the same.

    🙂 Lisa

    • Thank you Lisa, you are welcome here whenever you come by! I suspect there have been matters more pressing. I am only happy you and all your family are safe, together and moving forward.

  8. Very well done for that milestone – how disciplined are you? And I completely agree your blog, your rules – simple

    • Not very, really not very disciplined at all. I write when I feel the need to say something. When my muse pulls my chain hard. I love the interaction, thus I read far more than I write.

      😉

  9. Congrats!
    I love your blog, you know I’m a fan of yours. I also love your rules, it’s common sense, but a lot of people lacks it.
    Some people need to get a grip, I’d be damn to allow someone to insult/offend one of my readers.

    • Thus now the rules are not just in this blog post but are actually a Page, ‘House Rules’.

      It seems like it would be common sense, doesn’t it? Apparently it is not.

      I love your blog also! Wonderful how we find each other in this great big world.

  10. Congratulations!!! 200 is a BIG NUMBER!!! I’m proud of you and LOVE reading your stuff.

    I also like the rules. They make sense. I wrote about rules once upon a time…One of the things I wrote about was how people didn’t get to use what i wrote against me in “real” life unless they were willing to have the whole conversation. For some reason, the few people I knew who read thought they needed to critique my thinking. It drove me batty.

    Anyhoo….I’m proud of you, love your blog and love you 🙂

    • It isn’t just in real life though, in my opinion you don’t ever get to pick parts of discussions and bring them forward to serve your purpose. Doing this makes me think you are applying for a job at Faux, this is not the place to do that 🙂

      Thanks for the congrats, I love you also.

      • So true.

        I’m digesting the idea of applying for a job at Faux. That is a sad depiction of reality, isn’t it.

        I need a rule sheet, too.

        Still dancing in heel for you!

  11. Will there be no peace? Why does vermin insist on crawling out from under its rock to disturb what constitutes civility?
    Happy #200! Nice going. I enjoy the discussions, soirées and informative get togethers at your house because you are always welcoming and know how to make a guest comfortable. It’s your house and you are entitled to run it as you please.

    No, the cookies haven’t been passes this side of the room yet. Hm, chocolate. Thanks, Valentine. And congratulations.

    • Civility seems like such a simple concept, doesn’t it? Now and again it seems we move the rocks and the vermin escape as if by invitation. Dang!

      Have some more chocolate, I have brewed my special coffee, try some.

  12. Congratulations on your 200th-ish post!

    The rules of engagement issue is a tricky one. I started off with suggested guidelines and was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t necessarily need them, probably because I try to avoid controversial topics.

    For me, there are additional behaviors — along with mean-spiritedness — that I tolerate in the “real world,” but I would not invite into my living room. I once taught for a school principal who offered students the following rule of thumb for classroom behavior, “If you wouldn’t do it at your grandmother’s dining room table, you shouldn’t do it here.”

    Sadly, there were too many students who had no concept of the type of dining room table behavior to which he was referring.

    This, of course, is why I have a very small following. I also have a rather small living room, so it’s all good. 🙂

    • I think what you were saying is ‘broughtupsie’, something my grandmere use to say to me, that I had some of.

      You may have a small following, it is however dedicated (I am one). I didn’t think I would need ‘rules’, apparently I do.

  13. Congratulation on 200! May your house grow bigger and stronger, and may no one ever breaks the house rules. It might be a good idea to post these rules as an additional page, though who am I to tell you how to run your house 🙂

    • You know, I had considered that, House Rules that is. I liked the idea so much, there is now a page! Might still do so. Thank you for the Blog Blessing!

  14. Well, shit! Congratulations! 🙂

  15. Congrats on 200. But I wouldn’t call this a rant. Just a clear position: Try Civility. I remember being told that PC simply means Plain Courteous. Works for me.

  16. Congratulations on your two hundred posts, Val, I’ve read them all since I discovered you !
    They are always powerful, perceptive, valid.and straight from the heart.
    I’ve learnt much from reading about your life and huge challenges, and it makes me revel in the magnificence of the human spirit.
    You’re so right not to give house-room to any negativity..love, V.

  17. Val congratulations on your 200th post. That is quite a milestone. I got really angry for you reading about this as…. uh person. I admire your proffessionalism in not giving his information out to everyone, even though I would love to have it. I think you are a sweet and interesting lady, I wish the internet had a way to sniff out the indesireables.

    I guess all we can do is hope that somewhere in the world is a car bumper with this guys name on it. I love you Val, so you don’t even worry about that mothe…….. uh mean person.

    Tom Nardone

  18. I admire honesty and there’s so little of it in today’s world where “groupthink” is the order of the day, and those who raise difficult questions pay a penalty. Fortunately we do still have some freedoms, though these are slowly being eroded by “political correctness.” Keep stirring the pot, and if some don’t like it just do what I do to unwelcome guests. Show them the door, or putting it into cyber talk block them. LOL.

    • I always try to be polite, I even enjoy a good debate. Actually relish it now and then. But just plain ugly? Nah, think I will pass on that one. Blocking, it is a wonderful thing isn’t it?

  19. Dear dear Val,

    Congratulations on your milestone. And you add so much to the discourse, whether you are writing about your incredible history and what you have had to survive, and surmount, or doing flash fiction. Or just having fun. Your blog is thoughtful, fun, interesting. Always.

    So that commenter? What an ass. You’re right. It is your house and you have every right to decide who comes in and who stays in.

    In my two years, I’ve only had one nasty person. My blood pressure still goes up when I think of her asinine comment. Just like there are jerks everywhere, we can’t let them get to us. And that trash feature Word Press has so nicely provided? Go for it when you want that screen door to be hitting someone on their way out.

    XX

    • Thank you Elyse, I think that block and tackle feature is a wonderful thing. I also think that bit of trash talk simply served to remind me at least in this space we are not required to tolerate bad manners.

  20. Congratulations for #200 – but I don’t consider this a rant …. just thoughtful advise from a thoughtful host.

    • Thanks my friend. Now if only some will take the advice in the spirit of sanity it was intended. Of course the person who caused this is under moderation watch, she will not post here without approval.

  21. Val, my dear – I share your sentiments TOTALLY!

    No, I wasn’t shouting 🙂 but merely emphasizing how much I agree with all you say here about civility, etc.

    Peace and luv,
    Eric
    P/s Congratulations on the 200th 🙂

    • Thanks Eric, I am glad there are still those who believe we can debate, disagree and still be civil. I do not understand what we are coming to that every disagreement must end with pistols at dawn.

      Peace right back at you!

  22. Rant on! I think this is a terrific 200! I agree with Kim as to the response. Even if I chose different words 😛

    Love having been here for 200… all 200. Cheers to better manners for the next 200. Muah!
    xxx

    • Yeah Red! Am with you. You are the Queen of Quashing Uncivil Disobedience hahaha.
      Get ’em Val 🙂

    • I think Kim’s words were actually perfect, I simply did not want to place myself on the same level as my protaganist. At the time, well I just thought deletion was the more appropriate solution.

  23. Congratulations!!
    Maybe the problem is that the commentators you spoke of are illiterate? The word civility has more than one syllable after all.

    Some people will never be happy. They don’t WANT to be happy at some level.
    In an effort to find a modicum of light in their sad little worlds they deflect.
    Think of them as sick sick people.
    They’re forced to belittle others in order to make themselves feel bigger.
    Sad little fuckers.

    And with that expletive (Sorry Mom!) on with your show!
    ~MUAH!~
    xo

    • Expletives are never moderated! I have a potty mouth 😉

      I agree, some people are forced to follow their others home in the hopes they will be welcome despite their bad manners. Personally, I do welcome till they piss me off.

      Glad you are here to lighten my day!

  24. 200 postings, and I’ve only read a fraction of them. I always look forward to what you write for the year or so that I have been following you. Keep it going.

  25. Congratulations, Val! Unfortunately, I now moderate all comments for one person with extremely bad manners. I never know when I will irritate her again. It’s time for me to get over it and start writing again, too! 😉 Stalkers are just plain no fun…

    • I will be happy when you start to write again, I have missed your house. People suck sometimes. But most people don’t suck and so if we have to moderate a few people some of the time so we can express our joy to the rest who deserve to hear it, well okay then.

      Write soon, so I can visit. I promise to mind my manners!

  26. ** suggested I that while it was ‘sad’ I was shot ‘or’ raped I should just ‘get over it’ and stop writing about it **

    NO! NO NO NO… Why did you delete this post? How dare this person dictate your ideas, thoughts, opinions.

    I would have read this narrow minded, arrogant comment and simply typed–“FUCK YOU. Don’t come back to my house.”

    This is your house. This is your heart, soul, words. This is your space. This is your creativity.

    I, for one, LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE your house, Dear Val. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx And if I didn’t, I would exited softly and you would have never known I was there…

    • As I love your house my dear. I deleted her comment because I had had enough of her. I left the rest up rather than delete the entire thread. While “FUCK YOU” came to mind, I realized this brought me to the level of a Babboon, I didn’t want to be on that level so deletion seemed to be a better last word, don’t you think?

      😉

      • ~~~~Val,
        I’m a big talker about fuck you and all that stuff…. but a peacemaker at heart.
        Anyhow, I did get one horrible comment & I was PISSED and hurt. I found the person’s email and wrote to him/her personally. And I did call him/her an ASSHOLE…I couldn’t help myself.
        Love to you. See you soon. WOW. Xxx

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