I Choose

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAIt has been a strange year for me a year full of lessons learned and introspection. I have taken time to look what I wanted from life and what I have been doing with life to now, whether because I thought it was the right thing, out of obligation or because it was simply my nature. I suspect some choices we make will always be born out of our inherent natural instincts, others will be our history combined with our natural instincts; that is how we have inhabited the world through our history. If we have had trauma in our lives and who hasn’t, we will be changed and thus how we interact with the world.

One thing I know after this past several months, anger and bitterness is counter-productive. I made real choices in December of last year, they were scary as Hell but they were right for me and without them, I don’t believe I could have found peace for myself or been open to the opportunities that have been laid at my feet.

When my husband left without word, at first I was devastated, crushed by the blow. In retrospect, what I found was not a broken heart but fear and fury. Fear for myself, that I would be bitter, that I would not find a way through my anger to a loving heart, that I did not know how to love or be loved and so many other terrible fears, mostly fear that all he had said to me would manifest and I truly wasn’t worthy of being loved.

Fury that I could be convinced or convince myself that doing what was right equaled happiness or that life could be lived without joy. I was wrong, thankfully and happily I was wrong.

The next decision I made was not to work for toxic people who made me miserable. I have worked as an independent IT Project Manager in one of the most competitive markets for twenty-three years. In December I made the decision I no longer wanted live the life of a Road Warrior. I love my work, but 100% travel was killing my body and soul. I wanted the chance at a real life, with friends and maybe someday in the future at love. Being gone four to five days a week didn’t lend itself to this. I quit the job I was working and took a hiatus, I will grant you I didn’t intend it to be a six-month hiatus, but that is simply how it turned out.

Monday morning I start a new job with a great company (good reputation) that has promised 30% travel or less doing work I am good at and enjoy. This will certainly be a change, no more lazing about doing whatever the hell I feel like doing!


Cowgirls have To-Do Lists

Cowgirls have To-Do Lists

Now, let’s get to what I really want to say. I decided I am worthy of love. This one didn’t come quite so quickly, in fact it snuck up on me. I decided I have value and I can reach out and claim love when it is offered, I don’t have to be afraid, I don’t have to run and I don’t have slam doors. I decided not every single person wants to devalue me or my history, some of them simply want me just as I am. Sometimes people can be taken at face value, what they show you is what they are you can choose or not to accept them into your heart just as they can choose to accept you.

There are times I can be surprised, by myself and by others. I would guess most of you who read me regularly would be shocked to know I am still in many ways very naïve, sometimes shy and quite often a bit restrained. Though I have told much of my story here, there are many parts of my world and my life I have never told, a history that makes me what I am a history that created the complete me. Breaking down my many walls can be hard work, laying claim to a heart stilled by years of ‘doing the right thing’ rather than the joyful thing, this can be heroic work.

For many months a hero has been giving me lessons on what it means to be a grown assed man or for that matter a grown woman and to fully realize just how worthy of love I was. It began to dawn on me what I was missing as we talked through email, when he first told me this in response to an answer I gave about recognizing love:

You’d better get educated to what love is, and teach yourself to alertly recognize love when it does eventually come ringing your front doorbell ……….

As we continued to talk over many months, I knew I had found someone who did know me and was patiently helping me to discover myself through our discussions.

I know you. You and I have met and loved before. I know your soul and your heart. I know you and sometimes I remember.

There is more to these, more between these small statements, why they are important is they were the pein hammer knocking against a frozen heart, causing cracks to let light in and a few real blushes now and then. Through thousands of lines in e-mail, through longer and longer phone calls in the early mornings and late at night, through storytelling, through banter in various forums both private and public I was learning to be joyful, self-forgiving and more importantly self-accepting.

I was learning to claim myself, my whole and complete self and doing this I was learning I had the right to expect love, to claim it for myself. I was learning to choose for myself what I wanted and what I needed from love and for love. I was also learning to speak up, to say clearly “I choose” and “Mine” without stepping back from those statements afraid of being forward or pushing too hard.

Is this lesson complete? Not by any stretch of any imagination, I have a very long ways to go I think. I was caught unaware and am still stunned by the depth of emotions, yet and still, ‘Mine I choose’.

Some might say, too soon. Even I might say that using my pragmatic brain instead of a heart frozen and in stasis for far too long; yet and still I would say, ‘Mine I choose’.

I choose, because it is the only thing I am able to do with an unfrozen heart turned toward life and that wants love for as long as it is offered to me. I choose, because it is far better to live with joy than to live without it. I choose, because as he said we have met and loved before, I am his rib and he does indeed know my heart and soul.

So now you know my secret and you know my muse. Well you don’t know my muse, only that there has been one for the past few months as I write some of my musings, especially my poetry. Life has been interesting; it has offered me choices, different paths. I could have chosen anything and I chose, we will I think see where it leads.


 

Comments

  1. Well, good on ya, as they say in the land Down Under! When it comes to love, I always say follow your heart and not your brain. (But when it comes to lust, follow your brain and not your groin. Whole other topic there).

  2. Val, there is only one thing I want to say to you.

    I am proud of you.

    Everything I want to say about how far you have come is a reflection of that.

    Keep listening to your heart. 🙂

  3. Congratulations Val. You deserve to find happiness. Both at work and on the personal front.

  4. Wow, great and great for two big changes in your life! You know that I believe in taking chances. You never know how it’s going to be until you do it. And, the when and how when it comes to love and life decisions…there is no timeline, and Lord knows there is certainly no rule book! Joy-filled hugs coming from me!!!! XOXO-Kasey in Cali ♥

    • I gladly most happily accept joy filled hugs. I think I simply stood up and said enough, I deserve any and all good that comes.

      Mine. For however long and damn, mine.

      XOXO

  5. Cheers to the new job …. and good luck with the next step. Meanwhile, you’ve come a long way since December! 🙂

  6. Congratulations on the new job,Val, and the new choice in your life. It is never too late for love. You shy? I never would have guessed. Best wishes to you all around!

  7. So very happy for you, Val. I’ve never found it a bad decision to open up to the prospect of true, pure love. I believe in soul connections. These are ones that are meant to happen, very important for us to pursue–if for nothing else, to learn something extremely important about ourselves. Is there risk involved? Perhaps. But in relation to the alternative, not so much. I’d rather skydive from a plane, risking my life, than to endlessly sit in a safe, dark room where the damage to my soul might be far worse.

    Oh, and congrats on that job thing. That’s cool, too. 😉

    BIG HUGS!
    Sue J

    • You are so right, thus I will open doors even if I must take risks that scare the hell out of me. Even if I get hurt. From now on, I am just going to choose to live.

      The new job, it is cool I am pleased.

      Hugs Back

      Val

      • Sweeeeeeeeeeeet! Now, put up a million reminders around you every day so you don’t forget!! We don’t have all the time in the world to get it right, just all the time that is ‘ours’ in the world (and, of course, there’s no telling how long that is!).

        I’m very happy about your new job. Really, I am!

        🙂

  8. Congratulations on the job, Val. Lots of good news at last! I’m so happy for you. Can you see me smiling? I cannot stop. Excuse me a sec. I need to pour a fresh coffee to drink a toast. (It’s only 1:45 pm here :-D). ❤

  9. Blessings & LOTS of love flowing to you, Val, from Minnesota. Xxxx

  10. On the new job – congratulations! On the personal front – I’m incredibly happy for you, gal 🙂

    Peace and blessings,
    Eric

  11. I think you see now that you don’t choose between doing the right thing and joy. When you choose joy, you are doing the right thing.

  12. How wonderful that you have found joy! Here’s wishing you the best in love and in your new job.

  13. I’m so incredibly happy for you, Val–so, so happy. You deserve all things good! Hope you have an awesome first day on the job, my friend.

    Hugs from Ecuador,
    Kathy

    • I am going to make every single effort to find joy in every single day Kathy. I am finding it is on me, it is my choice how I proceed. Not other people, me.

      I learn so much these days just by paying attention.

      Much love and hugs from rainy and dreary Dallas

      Val

  14. Eloquently put…

  15. How beautiful your life now is! Val, I believe everything happens for a reason and now you’ve proven it. Congratulations on the new job!

    • You know Monica, I have always believe this to be true I just forgot for a while. I think life might be moving where it needs to be. Joy is something I haven’t had a great deal of and I believe I will open myself to a portion of that now.

  16. I am happy to hear that there is, again, light in your voice, and not as much darkness in your heart and mind.

    Learning to accept love, and to feel worthy of it, is a big step … I’m still trying to learn that particular lesson — you’d think having someone love me for almost 14 years would tell me that I’m worthy, but the brain is a crazy thing.

    And, congrats on the new job. Being able to come home every night, to have a routine — very important. Good luck!

    • Oh John, I think we always, all of us struggle with the idea of being worthy of love. Sometimes it is hard, isn’t it? The heart and the brain are mysterious. I told my brain to STFU, stop analyzing and let my heart be open. We will see what the world brings.

      Thanks, I am going to hope I made the right decision and this works for me. It is going to be different after so many years of being independent and doing what I want.

  17. Congrats on the new job. 🙂 Go out and conquer the world now!

  18. Awesome!!! You go girl!

  19. What a double dose of great news for you, Val! Good luck on Day One at the new job and I wish you well with the new beau.

    • I am pretty excited this morning, it should be an interesting day! New jobs always are. New beau, how odd that sounds yet that is also pretty exciting.

  20. He’s from Speed Dating right? I knew it, I friggin knew it!!! 😉

  21. Woo-hoo and best wishes, with the new job and otherwise! ❤

  22. I’m so happy to hear of these positive developments for you. I didn’t realize you had found a job (wonderful!), and to learn that you have someone to correspond with who appreciates and respects you is great. I wish you the best of luck with both.

  23. Jueseppi B. says:

    ☜(◉‿◉)☞

  24. Jueseppi B. says:

    Reblogged this on The ObamaCrat™.

  25. Bravo to choosing joy, or accepting it when it comes knocking. ❤

  26. Congrats on the new job! And the new beau? Well, it’s time to feel good again and if intuition tells you he’s a good thing, then a woman who finds a good man is a good thing then. Ask him if he’s got any brothers, friends, cousins, stepbrothers…You get where I’m going.

  27. HEY VAL!!!! I am so excited for you! You seem to have a little less woes in your pros. I knew you would pull out of this and I am thrilled to hear you got a job doing what you enjoy doing. I know that part is HUGE. I am literally beside my self with excitement lady. I think your life is without a doubt on the up-swing. I will be vicariously excited for at least a day or two just from reading of the wonderful developements in your own life. Thanks Val. I love you lady.

  28. You are so much stronger than you realize, to grab hold of your emotions with two hands and refuse to let it dictate how you should feel, not many can do this and move on, well done Valentine (hugs) 🙂

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