Yes, I know we might be having coffee
, tea or even the more refined Wine but honestly this past month deserves the bite of Tequila. Good, strong sipping Tequila. Nothing foofy with umbrellas and silly stuff, just a fresh from the freezer, where I keep it for times like these, sipping Tequila. .
So, if we were having Tequila with or without our coffee, we would be sitting back in my undecorated but praises be, nearly clean to my satisfaction, apartment. From 4,200 square feet to 1,000 square feet is one hell of a downsizing and I honestly didn’t think I could do it, I honestly thought I would lose my mind. Instead what I am finding is a strange peace settling over me as I maneuver through the weird minimalism that is becoming the norm for me. Even after I thought I had shrunk my needs to the bare ‘must have’ I found myself needed to shrink down even more, things I thought were absolute needs became sacrifices to storage in favor of other objects of desire. Amazing what becomes necessity when you shrink your living space.
Would you like another one? Excuse me while I top of my glass.
You know I have told you about my year, shared with you that I have struggled on many fronts this year. The struggles have tapped me out on many levels, shredded my confidence, my hopefulness at times. Certainly my imagination along with my energy has been drained. I have had to really take out my spirit and examine closely what drives me, what is needful and what is a priority for me. I have had to make choices I never thought I would make, shed myself of what was doing me harm even when this scared the living hell out of me. I have stared into the abyss of my history and torn the curtain away to the future I thought I wanted, sometimes having to set aside people and things so I could begin to truly rebuild.
This has been a work in progress, it started a few years ago when my husband left without good-bye in December 2013. I have struggled to find my footing, to find my heart and my spirit. I have worked to find the independent me under the debris of hurt. People have taken advantage of my vulnerability, I don’t blame them, I put it out there with my need to be seen, to be loved. I put a great big sign over my head, “Here I am…Use me”.
Then after I lost even more confidence along with thousands of dollars, I finally pulled back into myself. Set my need for ‘love’ aside in favor of true healing. Small steps, sometimes backward steps, sometimes no steps at all but instead simply standing still in the space I was and taking a few deep breaths. Focusing on the right then, not trying to force healing but letting the world wash over me, rinse my hurt away in small portions. It wasn’t easy, I wanted everything and right now. There were days when I thought I would miss out on the rest of my life, nothing was working and I was emotionally atrophied; at least I felt like this was the case.
Early last year I jumped into a relationship to stem the hurt and loneliness. It was an unhealthy relationship. What I learned from it was wonderful though. I learned I would rather be alone than part of an unhealthy relationship. I would rather be alone than part of a relationship that hurts me. I would rather be lonely and alone than lonely within a relationship. I learned I can stand up for myself, I can say no. That is what I learned. It was a good lesson. I learned, I do not have to accept pain as part of being paired. I learned it is better to be uncoupled than unhappy. I also learned what I want in a partner, in a man. I learned what is important. In the ending unfortunately both of us were hurt, it was nevertheless the right thing to do, for both of us. Now I can couple without fear, I know my desires and my limitations. This was a critical step to finding myself, now I am happily settled with myself.
Can I top you off? I could use another splash. I am rambling on about myself, I hope you don’t mind.
This past month has been a challenge. You might have noticed I haven’t been around much, my plate has been full. In truth my bucket has spilled over, leaving me exhausted and exhilarated at one and the same time. I thought I would not make it through the month of May, I did though. Here is what happened and why I find myself sitting here with you sipping Tequila:
- I moved into my new apartment and nearly finished the unpacking process
- I finished the downsizing, though I couldn’t have done it without a few well-placed kicks in the ass along the way
- I performed a wedding for my friend and barrier against the storms of recent years, Red
- I attended the wedding of one of my younger sisters in Seattle and was reminded of how wonderful family can be, even in large crowds. Yes, my family is big and raucous.
- I finally met my newest found sister and had a long breakfast with her. We are the odd ones out, part of family but found members (born outside, adopted out and unknown till adulthood).
- I finally started the real search for my next job, though I know it might be long and harrowing I also know what I want and I am going to hold out for what makes sense
- I started writing again in my journal and will start to write here and read again because I am giving myself permission and time
- I stopped holding myself to impossible standards and took a deep breath without crying
- I read my own posts from a few years ago and realized how far I have come and how some things are still true. I was amazed how far I have climbed out of the void I was in three years ago.
What I have figured out through all of this?
I can do this. I am enough. I may be scared, it is fine, scared is normal sometimes. I may be sad, it is okay to be sad sometimes, this is normal. I may be lonely now and then, it is fine to be lonely so long as it is the loneliness of waiting not the loneliness of ‘alone’. I can do this, I am enough. I am worth it and I am enough. That is what I have learned.
QBG_Tilted Tiara 
I just love you ❤
As I do you ❤
Attagirl Val xxxx
You go girl. In the end, look how far you’ve come since Dec 2013! I have confidence in that strong inner self that you have … so carry on! …. OK … another splash – but promise not to take advantage of me. 😉
Absolutely, besides it is sipping tequila not that nasty stuff most people drink.
I am getting there Frank. It is I think there are so many balls in the air my arms are tired of the juggling. But I feel as if I am getting there.
Feeling progress is important … carry on!
You can do this. You are stronger than you know.
Oh I am getting there. The ups and downs sometimes tap me out. Sometimes cause me to sit down and hold my head in my hands, but honestly? I am getting there.
You are getting there.
Yes, I needed some tequila in my coffee to read this one. Somehow I missed this post so I came looking for your blog expecting not to see a new post and intending to leave a message asking about you. Instead I find a new and beautiful Val! Congratulations on the move and walking away from a losing relationship. Letting go of things to downsize and lighten the load can be good. All the best to you! You look lovely in the photos! I am glad you connected with some family again. I will have to check my settings so I do not miss your posts! Cheers and thanks for the coffee!
Thanks, I am actually finally crawling out of my self-imposed hiatus. I needed the rest. Things are moving along, I am working the road less traveled and finding it more comfortable than I thought I would.
Thank you for checking on me. It is lovely to know the friends we make here, well that these connections are also true ones.
Your last paragraph is spot-on. I tell my kids that it’s ok to be mad/sad/frustrated, but it’s what we do with those feelings that’s important. We adults sometimes need to relearn that lesson!
I think for me, those affirmations were critical. Now and then we all have to hear them even if they are said with our inside voice. I tell my adult children the same things frequently, but often forget them myself. You are so right, we do need to relearn these lessons.
Nice to see your avatar again, Val. What a month you’ve had! You’re looking great and it sounds like you’re feeling great as well. Fabulous!
I am starting to feel human and humane, great might be pushing the envelope. Thank you though I think I will take it and run with it.
Bravo, my friend, bravo . . . I don’t like tequila, but I do love champagne. I will lift a glass in toast to your success. God bless. 🙂
Oh, I have really nice champagne here. When I moved the one thing I did not leave behind was my wine selection.
Now, I just have to find the space for it all.
Nice to see you, Val. It has been a long haul and you h.a.v.e. made hard but wonderful progress. Love yourself first; the rest can wait. Enjoy knowing yourself. Breathe deep and often. It will clear the rising mist in your past. ❤ ❤ ❤
Yes, that hammer to the side of the head knocked a few things loose. 😉
Now though the rattle feels like music.
Val, your trials and tribulations have been many, but I am so pleased that through them you have discovered the most important Lesson of all.. You are discovering YOU!.
That YES you are Worthy, and YES you CAN do this, and YES you are Stronger and YES, you are a beautiful Woman.. Whom I am so so pleased to have met. And I so loved your slide show..
I have never tasted Tequila.. But I did raise my glass to you, It is Sparkling water with a slice of lime in it.. :-). As at last I worship the Sun this week.. 🙂
And you looked lovely in your black dress by the way.. Not at all like a preacher.. But the beautiful soul you have always been.. :-)..
Can’t tell you how Happy this post made me while you are discovering so much more about yourself..
Love and Big Hugs my friend. And wishing you well in your new home! xxx ❤
Sue ❤
I suspect Sue, my time up and down will continue to baffle me. But, I think now I am starting to figure out I am just fine, right now just like this.
❤
That is so good to know Dear Val. May you continue being more than just fine for a long while to come.. ❤ xxx Hugs
I’ll take tequila over coffee any time! But then again, I don’t like coffee. As far as the photo of you in the black dress: no, you don’t look at all like a preacher. You look more like a woman with many secrets. I prefer that to a preacher any day!
Not many secrets, but I will take that also!
Happy to see you here and finding some peace in your new home. You write with such strength even if you don’t always feel it we know it is in you, and you give it back to us
I am working my way back. My white board (the only thing on my wall right now) says, ‘write’. That is the only thing it says. It is a reminder, here I find solace, here I find strength.
It’s all about the climb. You’re doing just that.
A very touching write.
Isadora 😎
Yes, but first you have to learn to free fall! That was actually the scary part. 😉
Mmmm … that’s very true. May you’re wings continue to develop so you can soar instead of free falling. 😎
What an important journey you’re on. Shaking the cobwebs clean both literally and metaphorically.
I hope you’re happy in your new home. And welcome back — I’ve missed you!
As I have missed you. Clawing my way back to normal time, I am getting there. Every single day I feel just a little bit more normal, a little bit more in control. I suspect I needed this force feeding of space and time. It was just a matter of leaping off the cliff.
Dearest friend …. this is incredibly awesome. Your journey is yours to take. The obstacles in the way slowly removed … and crossed over by you. I wish you more and more continued strength …. to go on and be the best that you can be!! ❤ ….
Thank you Horty, it is I think and always will be a work in progress. Maybe that is where the impatience comes from. I thought I was supposed to be a finished product.
I think it never stops!! That’s our “mission” in life …. Keep learning, keep working! Hugs ….