If We Were Having Coffee-Dang

imagesIf we were having coffee I might spike my own but politely ask if you would like me to spike yours. I am good like that. It has been one hell of a summer, I mean that on many levels. I think I will start with a song, do you mind? My friend and frequent inspiration Kim at My Inner Chick left this for me the other day, I added it to my Writing Playlist and now I am playing it as we sip our spiked coffee and chat.

First, how have you been during my absence? Talk to me! I am certain there is much to catch up with in your life, I have been terribly remiss failing to read your words, talk to you and keep up. I have watched all of you, truly I have just failed to acknowledge your outpouring of thoughts on life and the world. For this I can only offer, I will try to do better and ask you to talk to me, before I ramble off into my own little world of chaos.

Before we get started, can I top you off? Well then, let me pour some more into both of our cups. I am tempted to switch to a nice tall Bloody Mary, I think we might both need one.

Last Monday was my fifty-ninth birthday. Yes, I am embarking on my sixtieth year on this earth. Most days I don’t feel that old. Truthfully, I can remember when I believed sixty was ancient, one foot in the grave and ready for the retirement home. Sixty years on earth? Good grief, my mother use to tell me if I kept it up I wouldn’t see past thirty. Do you think I lived this long to spite her?

If we were having coffee I would tell you what frightens me is the two candidates for President are not much older than me and I wonder if they should be running for President, I wonder if they aren’t too old for the office. Should we be demanding new standards for this critical office and all our other government officials, standards that include term limits, mandatory retirement ages and top ages at which a candidate can run for office. Am I being ageist? Yes, perhaps I am; nevertheless, when the Constitution was written Life Expectancy was significantly lower, as in thirty-six, living to the age of seventy and beyond was almost inconceivable, though a few did. I would like to call attention to the ages of those we call our Founding Fathers (and Mothers) who conceived of and fought for our liberty.

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Well, I will tell you no matter who wins in November I am not leaving the country. I love America, I may hate the politics and the politicians. I may hate the state of the nation, our horrifying injustice and our failure to thrive across so many measurements. But truly, I love the dream that is America and believe in my heart we have the ability to do better. Our utter failure to even present acceptable candidates from which to choose is only one measurement of our failure, there are so many others; Donald and Hilary are simply the face of the lethargy and fear we feel right now.

If we were having coffee I would tell you I am finally working to complete the move into my new home. It has been challenging. Maybe I needed it to be challenging so I didn’t settle on ‘good enough’ but instead worked on the details, looked at the small things that would please me over time and spent my budget wisely, ensuring each expenditure was specific and exactly what I wanted. Every time I unlock the front door, I struggle with what is still needed before I will be happy, yet I sigh with relief knowing it is mine and an empty palate waiting my touch.

To say very little has gone right would be a vast understatement. This entire process has introduced me to a new level of patience, a new level of please just stop dancing on my last nerve, a brand new level of I will not kill a human being today. Yes, this move has taught me a great deal about myself, my desire for privacy, perfection, my own way and ultimately my willingness to bend where needed to achieve my goals.

When I started this hunt for new digs, I wanted a woman cave that encompassed an entire home with every room an extension of who I am. This was the first home I have purchased where there were no children, no husband nobody but me to consider in decorating, I wanted what I wanted; it was an act of pure selfishness an act of self-love. I perused real estate websites endlessly, I watched home improvement and remodeling shows for hours. With each marathon, I had a list of ‘love notes’ of things I wanted, things I loved. Additionally, I knew where I wanted to live; what city in the Metroplex even what zip code.

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If we were having coffee I would tell you all those plans went to hell the minute I walked into the house I bought. It was a 1976 rambler that someone had partly flipped, badly. The Professional Inspector, well let’s say he should have his license examined he missed so many obvious things that are now costing me before I can even start on the fun stuff. Even as I work through problems, contractors are running away, or seeing a woman and giving me bad pricing. Things are going slow or at least not as planned. I thought I would have all my projects done before I moved in; that didn’t happen. Now, I am moving in two stages. This one is hard, but it will get done hell or high water. I had great help yesterday to empty a 10X20 storage unit out, now everything is stacked floor to ceiling in the back of the house as we couldn’t put anything on my newly finished stained concrete floors. I am still in my apartment till next week, I will have to figure out how to move my apartment at that time. Packing throughout the week then moving over the weekend, of course how to get that done without movers will be a different challenge. Budgets are now starting to get challenged!

This week I will be meeting with a new set of contractors, maybe I will finally find some who will paint and stuff. Wish me luck.

I you ready to put your feet up? I surely will be by the end of this coming Sunday. Wish me luck.

CoffeeShare2 

If we were having coffee

 

 

If We Were Having Coffee: Tequila Would Top Mine

Yes, I know we might be having coffeeimages, tea or even the more refined Wine but honestly this past month deserves the bite of Tequila. Good, strong sipping Tequila. Nothing foofy with umbrellas and silly stuff, just a fresh from the freezer, where I keep it for times like these, sipping Tequila. .

So, if we were having Tequila with or without our coffee, we would be sitting back in my undecorated but praises be, nearly clean to my satisfaction, apartment. From 4,200 square feet to 1,000 square feet is one hell of a downsizing and I honestly didn’t think I could do it, I honestly thought I would lose my mind. Instead what I am finding is a strange peace settling over me as I maneuver through the weird minimalism that is becoming the norm for me. Even after I thought I had shrunk my needs to the bare ‘must have’ I found myself needed to shrink down even more, things I thought were absolute needs became sacrifices to storage in favor of other objects of desire. Amazing what becomes necessity when you shrink your living space.

Would you like another one? Excuse me while I top of my glass.herradura-anejo-tequila-17

You know I have told you about my year, shared with you that I have struggled on many fronts this year. The struggles have tapped me out on many levels, shredded my confidence, my hopefulness at times. Certainly my imagination along with my energy has been drained. I have had to really take out my spirit and examine closely what drives me, what is needful and what is a priority for me. I have had to make choices I never thought I would make, shed myself of what was doing me harm even when this scared the living hell out of me. I have stared into the abyss of my history and torn the curtain away to the future I thought I wanted, sometimes having to set aside people and things so I could begin to truly rebuild.

This has been a work in progress, it started a few years ago when my husband left without good-bye in December 2013. I have struggled to find my footing, to find my heart and my spirit. I have worked to find the independent me under the debris of hurt. People have taken advantage of my vulnerability, I don’t blame them, I put it out there with my need to be seen, to be loved. I put a great big sign over my head, “Here I am…Use me”.

Then after I lost even more confidence along with thousands of dollars, I finally pulled back into myself. Set my need for ‘love’ aside in favor of true healing. Small steps, sometimes backward steps, sometimes no steps at all but instead simply standing still in the space I was and taking a few deep breaths. Focusing on the right then, not trying to force healing but letting the world wash over me, rinse my hurt away in small portions. It wasn’t easy, I wanted everything and right now. There were days when I thought I would miss out on the rest of my life, nothing was working and I was emotionally atrophied; at least I felt like this was the case.

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Early last year I jumped into a relationship to stem the hurt and loneliness. It was an unhealthy relationship. What I learned from it was wonderful though. I learned I would rather be alone than part of an unhealthy relationship. I would rather be alone than part of a relationship that hurts me. I would rather be lonely and alone than lonely within a relationship. I learned I can stand up for myself, I can say no. That is what I learned. It was a good lesson. I learned, I do not have to accept pain as part of being paired. I learned it is better to be uncoupled than unhappy. I also learned what I want in a partner, in a man. I learned what is important. In the ending unfortunately both of us were hurt, it was nevertheless the right thing to do, for both of us. Now I can couple without fear, I know my desires and my limitations. This was a critical step to finding myself, now I am happily settled with myself.

Can I top you off? I could use another splash. I am rambling on about myself, I hope you don’t mind.

This past month has been a challenge. You might have noticed I haven’t been around much, my plate has been full. In truth my bucket has spilled over, leaving me exhausted and exhilarated at one and the same time. I thought I would not make it through the month of May, I did though. Here is what happened and why I find myself sitting here with you sipping Tequila:

  • I moved into my new apartment and nearly finished the unpacking process
  • I finished the downsizing, though I couldn’t have done it without a few well-placed kicks in the ass along the way
  • I performed a wedding for my friend and barrier against the storms of recent years, Red
  • I attended the wedding of one of my younger sisters in Seattle and was reminded of how wonderful family can be, even in large crowds. Yes, my family is big and raucous.
  • I finally met my newest found sister and had a long breakfast with her. We are the odd ones out, part of family but found members (born outside, adopted out and unknown till adulthood).
  • I finally started the real search for my next job, though I know it might be long and harrowing I also know what I want and I am going to hold out for what makes sense
  • I started writing again in my journal and will start to write here and read again because I am giving myself permission and time
  • I stopped holding myself to impossible standards and took a deep breath without crying
  • I read my own posts from a few years ago and realized how far I have come and how some things are still true. I was amazed how far I have climbed out of the void I was in three years ago.

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What I have figured out through all of this?

I can do this. I am enough. I may be scared, it is fine, scared is normal sometimes. I may be sad, it is okay to be sad sometimes, this is normal. I may be lonely now and then, it is fine to be lonely so long as it is the loneliness of waiting not the loneliness of ‘alone’. I can do this, I am enough. I am worth it and I am enough. That is what I have learned.

CoffeeShare2

If We Were Having Coffee: Out of Control

imagesIf we were having coffee we would finally have to find a coffee shop, my house is in chaos as I try to sort thirteen years of ‘hoarding’ in a week. What the hell was I thinking? Order anything you want, really it is on me just for the company.

Saturday, my sister from another mother Red of M3 fame and I, sat out in fabulous Texas sun and conducted the first of what will be three (3) garage sales. We didn’t do too terribly badly though both of us forgot our sun screen and both of us turned a bit pink by the end of the day, her far more than I. It was interesting to see what people bought, fascinating really. I have only one thing to say about this entire garage sale thing, well maybe two; (1) I am not taking a single thing back, what doesn’t sell is either being donated or going into the trash; (2) really people offer me a different price, don’t steal.

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Red’s Sun Burn

If we were having coffee I would tell you about my penchant for order and having things always in place in my surroundings, I might be a little bit OCD. I told someone last night I was not doing well in the chaos, it is the truth, and last night I crawled into my spare bed and cried myself to sleep. There are so many things still to do, so many things still to sort, so many things without a home or needing a decision and I don’t know where to start or how to get it all done by Thursday. If you are wondering why I had to crawl into the spare bed, well I was able to sell the master bedroom suite, bed and all. Sleeping in the new bed makes me realize just how spoiled I have been with all that space.

The other thing I have realized through this process, while I am not really a hoarder, I have amassed an ungodly amount of miscellaneous stuff. Stuff from travels, stuff from wandering through life, mementos; just stuff. Now I am sorting through it all, some of it makes me laugh as I remember where and when I picked it up, other times I just sit down wherever I am and let the memory wash over me.  Then there are the books, every single book I love, years of book collecting. Books of escapism, books for research, antique books, books for words and cookbooks. I am going to store the collection that remains after the purge, but the harder part was letting go, so many books to just let go.

If we were having coffee I would have to tell you about my adventure with Verizon/Frontier Communications. Last week has been special, I will tell you this has pushed me over the edge and came at a time where I really was staring into the abyss already so didn’t need anything else. When I woke up at 4am last Wednesday, I wandered up to my office to check e-mail and wander through social media, hopefully get some blog reading done and see what was going on in the world only to discover I had no internet connectivity. Like any reasonable person would do, I reset my router, then I turned it on and off, then I reset it again and again and again. No luck, nothing worked. So I waited until Verizon/Frontier tech services opened at 7am. You should know, Verizon sold off their businesses to Frontier last month. Just for extra background, you should also know I have a business account, my Service Agreement with Verizon was my account could not have down service time for more than 24 hours, it is why I pay a premium for my services.

Wednesday morning I called. They told me to reset my router. Just for shit and giggles I did, ten (10) more times between 7:30am and 1pm. Yes, that is how long I was on the phone with them the first time, granted most of that time was spent on hold. The second call that day was to customer service, where I finally got someone to agree to a service order for a technician to be sent out the following day. That person mentioned my Service Agreement must be verbal, she couldn’t see the Verizon agreement for 24 hours. Oddly though, when I placed the order to move services to the new apartment and stated I did not want to move my landline she could see the $498 penalty I would have to pay for dropping services but couldn’t see the Service Level Agreement of 24 Hour Down Time, interesting.

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Thursday came and went, without a Technician. I called, at noon and they said they couldn’t tell me when because Frontier doesn’t do service windows. I called at 3pm and they told me I would have to call back at 5pm, the last dispatch. I called back at 5pm, the lovely little man at the other end of the phone explained they had never dispatched because the ticket had been turned over to the VOIP department, until that department released the ticket no tech would be dispatched, he couldn’t tell me when that would be. I called Friday, same discussion but now I have been without services which includes both internet and television for three (3) days and am told I will not have services over the weekend either. So I tell the nice little man in Customer Service I intend to cancel all services, can you guess what happens next? Not only can he not find the original order to move those services to the new apartment but he has the unmitigated gall to tell me the penalty for cancellation would be $1,329, really?

Frontier, has cost me five days of potential work, has prevented me from looking for work, has breached their contract with me and actually believes they will charge me a penalty for cancelling services they are unable to deliver…….really? I admit, I lost my temper. I admit what came out of my mouth was impolite. I had finally been pushed over the edge.

If we were having coffee I would tell you, don’t try this alone. Don’t try to move alone. Don’t try to pack alone. Don’t try to do any of this alone. It is too hard. I know it is nearly over, nearly at the end. But honestly? My nerves are so frayed I am snapping, I know I am forgetting things, I know I am going to lose friends before it is all said and done. Clearly, I haven’t been to visit any of you for weeks. It isn’t because I don’t want to, believe me I could use a break and something positive right now. I will be back though, I will get back to you, I will start reading again, commenting again, interacting again and writing again even. Maybe I will even share some more positive stuff happening in my world, things that don’t suck (there are a few).

I really hope you would interrupt me now and then, jump in and tell me what you have been up to. I truly do hope you have had a better time of it than me, I would love to live vicariously through you!

If you pray, pray for me. If you don’t well laugh alongside me while I finish this move. Next week, despite it all I am off to Hot Springs for a few days of R & R.

CoffeeShare2

Weekend Coffee Share: One Down

imagesIf we were having coffee I would be sitting at my table and hoping you would share it with me. If you want tea, I would be sure to show you the slim pickings I have to brew (sorry), or you can share my pot of thick as mud cowboy coffee. Yes, there is plenty of creamer selections, sugars and honey.

Things sure have been up in the air this past week, sometimes I think this is a trial by fire just to see how determined I am to set to rights what is wrong. It has been all I could do not to snap at those I love, not to crawl into my closet and stay there, not to fall to my knees and beg the universe for mercy.

The final appraisal was Good Enough, the buyers have said yes to one stipulation I have said yes too selling for less than I wanted to sell for. We all have agreed to some terms that were not in the original contract, hopefully in the next few hours we will have a final contract to sign and it will be done with a closing date within this month, then I can move on from here. New life, new choices to make. I won’t be entirely happy with the outcome but honestly I will be in better condition than I have been.

I would proudly show you how I have started clearing out cabinets in anticipation of moving. Even with everything in the air and not knowing till just a few hours ago I tried to keep a positive view on this process. Then I would point to the full up baskets of CD’s, well over 1,500 I have already ripped to my IPod. This represents about half my music collection, it is a painful process to get them all onto my IPod finally but I swore this time I wasn’t carrying them with me, not again. I am finally going digital on this one thing at least. Will I get finished before moving day? Surely I do hope so, one less thing to think about, pack and carry.

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There is so much more to do, closet upon closet to clear out. Decisions to make about what to keep, what to sell and what to donate. What will go to a very small apartment with me, meaning what I absolutely cannot live without and what will go to storage until I find my next permanent home. So many things to consider, so many choices to make. I wander through my home today and think there are many things I take for granted in my life, many things of great beauty I hardly see until now that I must actually look at them and remind myself of their stories.

If we were having coffee today I would tell you about my week of introspection. How I have been thinking about family, friends and lovers (past and present). I would try to open my heart to you about how I have too often pushed people away for fear of being hurt even while I loved them. I would tell you about my natural inclination to take care of others within relationships, whether family or otherwise, how I am happier when I am taking care of others than when I am having to be constantly in charge, the boss, the strong one. I would try to explain how difficult it is for me to constantly be on guard, to be in charge, to feel uncared for and not trust others to catch me if I fall. This has been part of my week of introspection, part of what has driven me inside of myself.

I would tell you I recognize my strength, my competency and my ability to take care of myself. I understand I am able to stand up for myself, live alone and be happy alone even. I realize how much I have survived in my lifetime, that in truth it is more than most. I am good with my life as it is. I am good with the decisions and choices I have made. I am good with the person I am, with the outcomes of my life. Being strong, it doesn’t change my inner core, who I am or what makes me happy. It doesn’t change what I want in the future or the type of relationships that work for me. This is what I am discovering. I am also discovering, I will not settle for less than what makes me happy not from family, friends or lovers. It is vital I stand up and ask for what I need or I will continue to not get it.

This is what I would tell you over coffee, that all of us should always ask for what we need and expect to get it.

After I finished my ramble I would hope you would jump in and tell me how your life was going this week, what is happening in your world (beside the terrible of the political season). I am going to hope you world has had some joy. I promise you, I would listen without interruption.

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