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Letting Go

April 19, 2025 by

There was a time I believed ‘once upon a time’ was a beginning

If I could just love you more than I hated me

You would save me from my nightmares

Charge in sword held high and slay my dragons

Put out the fires that burned my spirit to cinders

I thought ‘happily ever after’ was the real ending

That isn’t the way life happens though, is it?

The tower didn’t have a door with magic locks

My mind was a labyrinth of secret rooms and demons

I tricked you into thinking I was fine

Every single day I put on the mask of ‘fine’

I locked the door of untold secrets and history

Thinking if I could only love you a little more

I would stop hating me enough to let you in

Maybe ‘happily ever after’ could be real

One day I realized fairytales were written to teach us

The real tales contained real monsters with no ‘happy ever after’

I knew my ‘fine’ was a deception, just like every fairytale I wanted to believe

That was when I knew you would be better free of my pain

I was never going to love you enough to stop hating me

Worse, if you knew my secrets you could never love me out of my darkness

The severance of the ties that bind was the only gift I had to give

Now you will hate me just like I hate myself, I will never tell you

How very much I love you, how grateful I was for all you gave to me

Fairytales aren’t real, but this was the only ‘happily ever after’ I can give you

To be free to love

I always told you, I want you to be happy

4/19/2025
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How do You Know

August 6, 2024 by

How did you know that was a weakness

When you run fingers through my hair, brushing it off my shoulders

How did you know you would capture my attention

When you run your fingers down my arm and smile

How did you know that small private smile would captivate me

The one that lights up your eyes and weakens my resolve

How did you know when you watch me from across the room

My attention would be on you and suddenly I feet beautiful

How did you know I had been searching

For the strength and ferocious safety your arms offer

How did you know to step up without hesitation

Demand all of me without apology and train my heart to stay open

How did you know to tether me to you through talk

Asking questions, listening to me, hearing me without judgement

How did you know?

How could you know, I didn’t tell but, in my dreams

Yet here you are

Unrelenting, undaunted by my fears or insecurities

Every single day I am grateful and still I can’t help but ask myself;

How do you know?

8/6/2024

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Too Much

March 27, 2024 by

The other side of the bed is always empty

‘I could sleep there, stretch my legs or arms

Roll over and rest my head

I could touch all the corners

The entire bed is mine every night

But instead, the other side is always empty

For a minute, in a lifetime of hours you were there

Then without a word, a breath of goodbye

The ribbons of silk binding me to the center

Loosened, fell away and I returned to the edge

Now the other side of the bed is always empty

I don’t think it was meant to be

Only that I don’t know how to bind myself

I remain unbound and on the edge

Where I can easily escape slipknots

So even a whispered goodbye or hello

Would remain unheard, in a lifetime of hours

Where a minute wouldn’t matter, and the other side is always empty

3/27/2024

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Invisible

May 20, 2023 by

You said I was transparent, invisible to you

Yet I was right there, standing in front of you

Even my tears fractured light, making rainbows as they fell

You said I had no meaning to you

But when you needed something, you always called

Now when you sit alone at night you automatically scroll to me

In the morning I see the random texts you send

I listen to the love songs you send at midnight, I weep

It was always me, my unconditional acceptance of your flaws

I was what terrified you, what made you furious

It was me, just who I was that panicked you, made you run

That I never demanded anything of you

Not once did I ask you to see me in the light

Never did I say to you, I am here, I am always here

But here you are again, after days and nights of deathly quiet

A silence brought on by your fear and your terrible

You can only say that you need something of me

I am still standing; I crawled up from invisible

Though truly I was obscured even from myself for a time

Made my way through the emptiness you left behind

Thought I was above it and beyond your reach, finally

But love conquers invisible, conquers tears

Love makes stupid choices when you want answers to ‘why?’

Why did you leave you me with only the memory of Invisible?

20-May-2023

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Reminders

December 13, 2022 by

I do not remember the feel of your skin

I have forgotten the weight of your arm thrown across me

I cannot recall the sense of you behind me as I wake

The rain though makes me look for you

The wind blows memories of laughter

The cold makes me long for your warmth at my back

The dark sky makes me remember nights of tequila and stories

The emptiness of your side of the bed is sometimes too much for me

I long to beg for answers that you have refused to give

Your cruel indifference should release me, should let me go

Instead, it holds me captive inside my pain and confusion

I create my own stories for your desertion

Maybe they are worse than the truth, but maybe they are not

I do not remember the feel of your skin against mine

This is only one of the lies I repeat to myself hoping to heal

I remember everything, even as I know you had forgotten

Forgotten before you had ever left

12-Dec-2022

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