Stuck in Bad Blues

blueWomanMy absence, my inattention, my sporadic visits to your and even my own blog to read or write have been growing lately. It seems I am unable to keep up with life these days. What is it they say? Oh, right it isn’t you it is me. This is has been all too true lately, it is me. My inner demons along with my real live get the hell over here and be quite introvert, they have been playing havoc with my world. On the one hand, I have allowed everyone to dance to the music without interruption, I suspect it is what I have needed. On the other hand, well I think I may have done myself a disservice, now I am finding it hard to reenter life, any life at all.

Don’t misunderstand, it isn’t I don’t have anything to say. No, I have plenty of thoughts running through my head, plenty of emotions dripping through my heart. The world is a terrible place and it makes my soul scream on some days. There are days frankly I simply do not have the heart to pay attention to all the terrible things happening around me, days when I have to turn the world off simply so I can find peace. Add to this bowl of misery, this miasma of wretchedness; well, somedays I fight to get out of bed and be productive at any normal level.

It is a terrible thing, this feeling of dejection, of simply not having the energy or hopefulness to want to do more than make it through another day. This though is how I have felt. I know some of it is very personal, very internalized. I know this is how I have handled the shit storm of my personal relationships, ignoring many of what was so close to the surface even stuffing it into boxes marked ‘Do not fucking open under any circumstances’. I understand I allowed myself to be dragged into the undertow of pretending I didn’t feel disconsolate and rejected by a bad divorce. That I didn’t feel horrified and afraid by ‘alone’. That I wasn’t petrified as my savings dwindled and my bills mounted. As I always did, I put on a brave face pretended none of it hurt, none of it mattered.

It all mattered and two years later it still matters because I am still paying the price.

I want to stop, I want off the whirl-a-gig that is the price paid for other people’s choices and my own unwillingness to say ‘no’. My nature, beaten into me from an early age to always defer, to stay spinning-carnival-rides-at-the-kansas-joel-sartoresilent in the face of other people’s needs and desires has taken its toll. My innate generosity, my desire to help and insure that others have what they need, what they want even when I cannot afford the giving leaves me without, leaves me paying the price. Ultimately, leaves me alone, lonely and hurt by the trust I have placed that is nearly always broken.

Thus, I retreat to lick my wounds and salve my pride.

I wander my huge home, the one I am incapable of maintaining on my own. The one I wish every single day I could rid myself of. The one I once thought of as a place that would hold love, memories, friends and dreams. I wander this monstrosity and weep, there are days I cannot do the simplest tasks. My body betrays me, my heart betrays me and I live with messes I cannot clean; I dread some days even coming home.

So I retreat even further into my journals and into my head.

It isn’t that I don’t want to live, I mean fully live within the world and all that this means. It isn’t that I don’t want to repair the damage to my heart that I don’t want to fix all the bad that fell out of divorce and financial ruin. Believe me, I truly do and I am working on it, at least I am trying it is simply that over the past two years, I was vulnerable to my own demons first and to those who saw me as easy prey. I wanted so much, so much of everything really. I wanted to be seen as complete and whole. I wanted to be seen as strong and capable. I wanted to be seen as undamaged, as worthy and of value. I didn’t want anyone to see the chinks, hell the great huge dents in the armor I had so carefully forged and wore with such certainty I was protected from everything. I wasn’t though, I was vulnerable and easy.

I was blinded by the need to be loved, to be seen. I was vulnerable to anyone who would pretend for a minute I mattered and pay attention. I was starved. I didn’t know it. I didn’t know my years of famine would leave me so needy. I had been without emotional sustenance for so long my ultimate retreat into myself felt natural. Finally, there was no one else but me, yet the minute anyone came along with a story to tell I fell head long and with an open heart.  I recognize the problem of course, I only understood one way of loving, one way of being loved and that was if someone needed me or needed from me.

I had taken care of everyone else for so long I did not know any other way. When I figured out it hurt, that I wasn’t getting anything back, nothing in return I poured my words into my journal as I struggled to breathe and find peace. I poured myself into myself, into my isolation which became more closely guarded every single day as each person who spoke love felt like a liar and hurt my soul, driving me further into myself and further away from the world.

Now, I don’t know how to move. Each day feels like something to fear, what new hammer will fall? What new lie be uncovered? I feel so petty in the face of it all, thus my voice screams in my head stop whining you twit. Still, I find it nearly impossible sometimes to even get out of bed and face another day. I know, this too shall pass. This ennui, this case of the blues. This too shall move out of my way as it always does. But for now, forgive me if I don’t visit as frequently, I haven’t the energy to face the day sometimes and it is all I can do to face the world. I will get there, I will. Somewhere in my soul, hope resides and is likely dancing in the glen with the monsters I manage to keep contained most days.

Comments

  1. Val…i wish i could say i “like” this …and more than that i wish i could say something to “fix” you right up. whenever i am going through a rough patch i try to remember that “this too shall pass.” and the words of Winston Churchill who said; “when you’re going through hell – keep going.” aside from all that my heart goes out to you and i send a huge HUG. xo

  2. I feel all you have written here Val, and I so empathise with how you have been feeling.. Sometimes we all have to retreat within and replenish our hearts.. And while we all give out love and share so much of ourselves with others.. We have to at times close the door,and pour some of that love into our own hearts as we take stock and replenish our own much neglected energies..

    It is not surprising from all you have been through it has at last caught up with you.. Please take care of YOU Val.. for we Love you. ❤

  3. I think I shall attend a billiard game with a bottle of Kraken in that monstrosity. We will sing, scare the animals and perhaps the neighbors.

    I love you ❤

  4. Dear Valentine, I echo some of the comments above. Most of us have felt the same way at some point or the other. I have been struggling to recapture the simple joy I felt in my travel writing myself. Its hard in this crazy world, but we cannot give up. I know you will not. Hope you find your balance soon. Take care:-)

    • Thank you Madhu. Having just read a post from you, I suspect you are stuck a bit where I am. I don’t give up, but I do think it is important for us all to say, I am there and it is not forever.

  5. I know from my own experiences with the blues: advice and words of encouragement sometimes come across as sounding insincere – sometimes they’re even unwanted. Sometimes I just want someone to sit quietly with me, asking no questions, saying no words. Just to know I’m not alone in the silence of my darkness.

    I know I’m a few hundred miles from you – but, I’d sit quietly with you, give you a hug if you needed it. We talk of how only some people are good listeners. I am a good listener to the silence. I may not know your particular darkness, but I understand it enough to sit with you, quietly, listening.

    Hugs to you, my beautiful friend.

  6. Great post n one of my all-time favorite songs.

  7. I try to remember that my identity and self worth are not contingent upon what people do or don’t do nor is my life’s quality contingent on their presence or non presence. I try to rid myself of toxic things. That took practice and I am more able to do that with immediacy now and with surgical aplomb. I’ve suffered with depression for decades(my meds help but meds may not be for everyone). The key is to find satisfaction even in just a few meaningful things and get downright stubborn sometimes but never let life’s particulars immobilize us. A little cocoon time may be restorative but don’t stay there long.

    • The problem is, with my introvert nature I allow myself to much freedom to curl up inside myself. It hasn’t worked to my advantage. Now? I find it so difficult to pull myself back into the world. Fear, it is a terrible thing.

      Thank you for your wise and kind words. They are very much appreciated. Truly.

  8. La Sabrosona says:

    For different reasons you and I both experience ‘inertia’. I’m gonna tell you it’s ok to not be ok. I know you’ll “get” that. I think it’s important you hear it. And ease the pressure to be a certain way for the benefit of others. If there’s a possibility you might be clinically depressed then I would gently suggest that you reach out to your doctor. No shame in taking medication in order to give your mind a chance to get unstuck and build momentum in terms of motivation. Be well.

    • My doctor and I talk, believe me we talk. Thank you though for the gentle reminder. Because of other issues, I am in frequent discussion with my medical providers so I have told both of my regulars what is going on.

      I guess I know it is okay to not be okay. I simply struggle with the idea of not feeling myself. Even knowing the triggers, I struggle. Thank you, for your comments and for the kindness.

  9. Val, Val, Val…. don’t make me come over there and slap you with my flip flop!!!!! You are a giver and it is exhausting but that is what makes you unique. Don’t change you, change a few of the people in your life. A little spring clean and curb collection. I did a few years back and have never been happier. Time vampires, energy zappers…all to the curb. The ones to especially consider…. the ones that continually want advice but don’t really and tell you the same old problems over and over again. To the curb damn it. I know….some have been in your life for a long time…but have they though? Some Loon advice from a committed over giver xxx

    • I might need a few slaps upside the head with a flip flop Loon. I seem to attract the needy, the takers, the evil doers. I think I have a sign over my head that says ‘go ahead, there is more’.

      It all simply finally brought me to my knees this time around.

  10. I think most of us that follow your blog only care about how you are doing, Val. Take care of yourself as you seek to come out of your “indigo fog” as you put it in response to some comment. Perhaps that house does not suit you any more. May you soon find hope and peace and joy with your life and body! Hugs to a special lady!

    • Thank you, it will lift. I suspect I simply need to make some choices I am having a difficult time with. The house doesn’t suit, it hasn’t for a while, but I am stuck for now until other things are dealt with. All things will fall out as they should.

      I am working through it. The holidays are here, they are difficult.

  11. I wish I had some sage advice for you, but all I can offer you are hugs and a listening ear. *hugs*

  12. Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    My dear, sweet friend …. troubling times, difficult times … needing good friends nearby. I’m here ….

  13. Blessings to you as you travel on your road of self-discovery … for from the depths of our pain, we all rise and find the answers which have been there all along yet seemed elusive. 🙏🏻

  14. My friend, My heart is going out to you. What a tough road you’re on, and have been for a long. Some times, you just need to step back.

    Blogging — writing and reading — it’s not mandatory. Nobody takes attendance. Write when you want to, read when you can. It’s something to do when you want to do it.

    Recently, It’s been harder for me to read blogs.Or to read all of these. And so I hit the delete button. That’s just the way it goes.

    Blogging is supposed to be fun. Don’t feel obligated to do anything!!!

    XXX to you.

    • I know Elyse. I think though, also saying aloud we are stuck and why, maybe it helps. Maybe it lets others know we all go there, we all get stuck. It might be a terrible place but it isn’t something we should be ashamed of admitting (even if we are).

      Blogging is sometimes my only voice, fun yes but also my voice away from my journals. Gad, someday my children will read those what a day that will be.

  15. Hoping your bad space will disappear and be replaced with peace and comfort. 🙂 Yes, we’ve all been there in one form or another, but there are bright days that surprise and show promise for the future.

  16. We all go through rough times. But it’s in our spirit as humans to survive and continue. It’s too easy to just give up and die. Don’t do it, Val! You may be tired of hearing this, but I feel you have a lot to give this world. People need to hear from someone like you and less from the likes of politicians and celebrities.

  17. Vitamin D3, Exercise. Chocolate. Things to get the serotonin active. Not a final solution, but a step.

  18. Most of us wear a mask to some extent and the blues hits all of us at sometime in our lives..Mine came after i sustained a head injury (over 23 years ago); then my husband asked me for a divorce; I had a hard time keeping a job when I had been previously successful because of this head injury. My life style took dramatic downturn. My young adult daughter joined a cult. It took 5 years before she left their control after some serious trauma. My son was a difficult teenager who was oppositional. Once when I made him sit to do his homework, he peed on my dining room chair.I also discovered that my ex husband had passed on a serious illness to me. Within a year after my divorce, I found out that my Dad was terminally ill and then within the following year my Mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Trust me this list continued.

    But now I treasure my peace. I enjoy having no drama in my life. Life is definitely better.If an accountant were to review my financial management he would have a heart attack but this doesn’t keep me back. In the near future I am planning several fun adventures. I thank the Lord for my peace, friends, family, books etc. I pray to St Matthew, the patron saint for finances and I just know that things will be okay..

    All I am saying is that these blues will pass and that there is joy in your future. TMI, but during my tough times, I did take anti depressant medication.

    • PS. You are not alone. Many of your followers admire you tremendously!

      • Thank you for that also. I have a circle of fabulous around me, I know that also. I think this was my road to apology for being so long gone from most of their spaces.

    • Thank you, truly. I do know they pass. This was more of a journal drive out of the head space and into the realm of here and now. I know it doesn’t stay terrible, I know the blues pass. Thank you for reminding me though and in such a very personal way. I do appreciate it.

  19. You’ve been through a great deal the past couple of years. That, combined with the trauma your past holds, could understandably make each day a struggle. I have no words of wisdom, but know that I hope things smooth out for you soon.

    • I think I am just pulling things apart right now Carrie. Trying to find a comfortable place to live, with myself and with the world. Sometimes, just sometimes I find it difficult to live in my skin. That’s really all, oddly I am 99% at peace with myself. Does that seem strange?

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