How do You Know

How did you know that was a weakness

When you run fingers through my hair, brushing it off my shoulders

How did you know you would capture my attention

When you run your fingers down my arm and smile

How did you know that small private smile would captivate me

The one that lights up your eyes and weakens my resolve

How did you know when you watch me from across the room

My attention would be on you and suddenly I feet beautiful

How did you know I had been searching

For the strength and ferocious safety your arms offer

How did you know to step up without hesitation

Demand all of me without apology and train my heart to stay open

How did you know to tether me to you through talk

Asking questions, listening to me, hearing me without judgement

How did you know?

How could you know, I didn’t tell but, in my dreams

Yet here you are

Unrelenting, undaunted by my fears or insecurities

Every single day I am grateful and still I can’t help but ask myself;

How do you know?

8/6/2024

Too Much

The other side of the bed is always empty

‘I could sleep there, stretch my legs or arms

Roll over and rest my head

I could touch all the corners

The entire bed is mine every night

But instead, the other side is always empty

For a minute, in a lifetime of hours you were there

Then without a word, a breath of goodbye

The ribbons of silk binding me to the center

Loosened, fell away and I returned to the edge

Now the other side of the bed is always empty

I don’t think it was meant to be

Only that I don’t know how to bind myself

I remain unbound and on the edge

Where I can easily escape slipknots

So even a whispered goodbye or hello

Would remain unheard, in a lifetime of hours

Where a minute wouldn’t matter, and the other side is always empty

3/27/2024

New

That isn’t what you think it is, that tensing of my muscles

When my eyes suddenly fly open in the middle of your kiss

No, that isn’t what you think it is, not at all

Don’t misunderstand, I love the feel of you near me

My knees dip when you lay your hands just so, yes, right there

You already found one of my spots, I like that you go back to it

Sometimes, in the middle of the day, I have salacious thoughts

Believe me when I tell you, mine are better than yours

The thing is, we are too new, too fresh, and I don’t want us to be too fast

You are the first, in a very long time, I might want more

My mind leads me down roads I did not think I belonged on

With you, I bite my tongue to prevent myself from asking

“What do you want, beyond this touch, this kiss, this..”

Afraid the answer will be, “Nothing more just this,”

And just this will be enough for now because I love the way you go back

You explore my spots; you are not afraid of my battle scars

You touch me, and, with a kiss, cause me to grow weak-kneed

I can sit in silence with you and don’t have to fill the air with noise

I can tell you my darkness, and know you won’t use it against me

So that tensing you feel as I grab that bar, that is my flight or fight kicking in

That is my drawbridge demanding to be raised

That is my moat trying to flood itself with monsters

That is me questioning just how the hell you got under my skin and into my heart

With a touch, a kiss, a smile, and comfortable silence

1/26/2024

Dancing, It’s You

It’s you again

I thought we were done

You forgot to say it was over

After months, I stopped waiting to hear the words

For weeks I begged for why

You only got angry for my asking

Preferring the silence of disdain

Knowing you could hurt me more this way

Yet here you are

Wrapping yourself around my heart

Disturbing my peace

Winding through my nights

Pulling me from my isolation

As if I have nothing better

Nothing to occupy my time

It’s you again, damn

You said you were gone

Out of here, like fog burning off in sunlight

No matter, the fact is you were gone, finally

You chose to leave without word of your going

Yet here you are again, drifting in as you do

It’s you again, damn

I will have to do a better job

Strengthen my fortifications

Keep you locked away with the rest of my demons

I am not yet ready to dance with you

Not in my dreams or any other times

You said we were done

I wish my heart remembered

21-January-2023

Reminders

I do not remember the feel of your skin

I have forgotten the weight of your arm thrown across me

I cannot recall the sense of you behind me as I wake

The rain though makes me look for you

The wind blows memories of laughter

The cold makes me long for your warmth at my back

The dark sky makes me remember nights of tequila and stories

The emptiness of your side of the bed is sometimes too much for me

I long to beg for answers that you have refused to give

Your cruel indifference should release me, should let me go

Instead, it holds me captive inside my pain and confusion

I create my own stories for your desertion

Maybe they are worse than the truth, but maybe they are not

I do not remember the feel of your skin against mine

This is only one of the lies I repeat to myself hoping to heal

I remember everything, even as I know you had forgotten

Forgotten before you had ever left

12-Dec-2022

All the Time

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All the time in the world isn’t enough

Earlier there was you shaded in hope

Time whispered possibilities over protests

Then darkness slid in obscuring futures

Silence crashed in endless waves

Isolation once cherished now accursed

Dragging seconds filled with expectations

Yet anathema at the end of each day, quiet

Longing for the simple stroke of a hand

Dreading the silence and aloneness of time

Forgotten, the lost paradise of open spaces

Remembered the warmth of comfort

Molded around my back drawing close

Breath lifting my hair, lips tracing my spine

Arms circling, holding me still in the night

Chasing dream demons into early sunrises

No more will I welcome seclusion over you

All the time in the world will never be enough

Protests silenced by expanding desire

Signature

20-April-2020

Empty Rooms

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Yesterday I dreamed of you, I wept

In the middle of the day, in an empty room

A chair you left untended, rattan shredded

The pillow you use to rest yourself against

All the small things, insignificant on the surface

These are what made me weep in the daylight

Last night, I lay awake my sheets cool

I reached over to your side, seeking warmth

Instead, I found your pillow, untouched

Never do I cross to the side where you sleep

Leaving room for you, for nights you lay down

The morning broke through my shades

I had slept restlessly, still hanging onto hope

Knowing though it was reckless of my heart

My spirit sank with the daylight chasing dreams

Grace fled even as I reached for mercy

In the silence of isolation, I begged for a single voice

Seeking a balm to heal my battered spirit

Instead, I wept in the middle of the day, in stillness

Perhaps this is mercy

Signature

30-March-2020

New Day Greeting

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I swung the door wide open on the new morning

The sun breaking over skies blushing with dawn

Scents of  peony and lavender wafted in

Along the pathway, hope and strange silence

This is the new day and new world greeting

 

Each home darkened, streets quite

Early despair as fear grips neighborhoods

Blustering demands come I am invincible

Turn into save me, I am afraid and forsworn

This is the new day and new world greeting

 

Riverways and oceans are clearing without help

Dolphins dance once more in Venice

The skies clear over all the nations, birds sing

Flowers bloom in gardens, bees and butterflies come

This is the new day and new world greeting

 

Perhaps it is simply a moment, a pause

This distancing we must enact to heal ourselves

Isolated from all that comforted and defined

Stopped from all that we thought made us

Finally shown our humanity as one

This is the new day and new world greeting

 

This will end, not quickly I think but end

We will all swing our doors wide on a new day

Some will be changed, found compassion and joy

Others will simply demand recompense

We will all have lost someone dear by the end

As a world we will grieve together in our pain

This will be a new day and new world greeting

 

What we do when we swing those doors open

How we reach across the street, the world

How we greet our neighbors, stranger or friend

This will define us, will we survive this new world

Will this new world survive us and our new day

I have hope, even today I have hope

Signature

25-Mar-2020

Claimed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dance with me, when the music plays softly

The melody wraps around us, palpitating    

Then pulling us into a dream state  

Maybe fantasy instead, they are similar

But ours are different in their nature

Mine gentle, gossamer and wrapped in whispers

Lifted and twined, hips teasing and loose

Heals keeping the gentle teasing rhythm   

Yours like the steel of your arms at my back

They are harsher, hard and demanding

Pulling close to the dark whispers of possession

Iron bands of familiarity and title

Opposite in our needs and desires

We come together like bees to honey

Or is there something more to our dance

Is it only the possession you have claimed

The familiarity of your arms at my back

 I am stung, my honey depleted time and again

Yet, with a whisper of Dance with Me I return

To wrap you in gossamer and twist my hips

With songs playing only the two of us hear

As my heals beat staccato to your desire

23-February-2020

Hope Chests

 

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Lost in time, regrets and tears  

The distance between us viscous, overflowing

Not of gentleness but recrimination, regrets

Reaching the place where finding you

Is finding me and the vanished spaces

Dragging along the baggage you left

Emptying spaces full of touchstones

Only to find myself unable to let go

Gathering it all into hope chests

Lovingly polishing to a sheen, memories

Saving the lies as if they were worthy

Of me, of the time given of my tears

Creating excuses for your cruelty

Excusing my acceptance of thoughtlessness

Finally knowing there is a truth you told

“I do not deserve you, you are better”

“You are not good enough for me, I am too good”

Still, I love you as I turn away maybe one last time

27-Jan-2020