Served Grown Up Please

LVal_Web_smallMy friend Red and I talk often, truthfully nearly every day. Through this recent tsunami, that has been my life I found I have no nearby support system. This has been eye opening; it has also made it very difficult.

Red gets a great deal of credit for pulling me through the worst of it, she dug in and kicked me a few times. There have been a couple of others though along the way, the interesting thing about these others?

My Friends in the Tsunami

  • They are women I have known close too if not more than thirty years, they have been close friends and intertwined with my life in meaningful and happy ways for all that time.
  • They are both in the midst of divorces from long-term partners.
  • Like me, they did not expect to be in this position this late in life.

Where am I going you might ask and so you should. I have been thinking about the position I and others are in at this stage of our lives, the odds are not with us according to all reports. I have been reading blogs by women, some younger and some my age who have been through the devastation of divorce after a long marriage and what it means to be single again. I have been thinking specifically about what it means to me, my life and my future and what I want for myself someday, maybe, perhaps and if I am fortunate.

I Want A Grown Assed Man

I have spent my entire life, every single relationship being the caretaker and provider. Begging for what I need and rarely if ever getting even one quarter of it, then calling myself satisfied. Enough, it is self-defeating and leads to misery. I am no longer willing to settle, not ever again. I don’t want to be anyone else’s second choice, booty call, meal ticket or anything else. Done with all of it, maybe I ask for too much, maybe the dream isn’t out there, nonetheless…..

I Want a Grown Assed Man and This is What He Looks Likemystery-man

He isn’t afraid of who I have been or where I have been; in fact, he is interested in my history, all of it. He wouldn’t think of condemning me for bad choices I have made because he has made some of his own.

He doesn’t shrink from the hard stuff, his own or mine. He knows life sucks sometimes and he isn’t afraid of it. He is grown; he has taken a few beatings and cried a few tears. He isn’t ashamed of it and he can bear up under the tears I might shed in the dark of night or the grey of dawn when I think there is no one there to hear me sobbing. He understands pain.

He wouldn’t think to slut shame me for what was done too me. He wouldn’t ever think to blame me for my past or take advantage of me because I have one.

He is a gentleman; he has manners not just the ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ type of manners but real manners. He knows how to behave in both public and private and it is innate to his person, rather than showmanship.

He makes plans with me and for me; he is respectful of my time and his own. More than this, he thinks ahead and thinks of more than himself and his own desires. He listens carefully to things I love and seeks opportunities for us to do them together. Even when something isn’t high on his list of ‘shit I most want to do in life’, whether it is the opera, the ballet or going to a Lyle Lovett concert, he makes concessions because he is a grown assed man.

He never fails to flirt, with me! Damn, this is important. A simple touch, a cuddle, a kiss on the back of the neck, a meeting of the eyes across the dinner table anything and all the things that send that message he wants me and finds me desirable. Stop looking at your phone for five minutes, pay attention.

He doesn’t think compromise is a four-letter word. It isn’t. Really, see ten letters C O M P R O M I S E; I counted three times just to be certain. He doesn’t beat his chest and say, ‘Me Man, You Woman’, and stomp out of the room as soon as the word compromise is introduced into any discussion, instead he seeks opportunities to balance our relationship and make it easier for us to move forward.

He traces my battle scars with the tips of his fingers in the night, knowing they are an intimate part of my being he loves them for their presence on my skin and my soul.

He never hides me away in the dark; he is not embarrassed by me or his choice of me. He takes my hand and proudly displays me as his partner no matter what anyone might have to say, he defends me in the face of condemnation.

He is not afraid of debate; he welcomes it when it is necessary and never fights dirty. Whether it is politics, religion or whose turn it is to do the dishes, he will always remember I am his partner and he loves me. He is never petulant or childish in a fight, never uses silence or past hurts to win.

He dances with me! Whether in the living room, the bedroom or at a dinner club; he dances with me. He takes me in his arms and dances me around the room. He knows how to hold me and take my breath away when he moves me. He knows how to make me feel beautiful.

He likes himself, is comfortable in his skin and doesn’t need outside affirmation of his manhood. I am enough for him. He doesn’t have to prove his manhood through Neanderthal means. He doesn’t beat his chest when asked to help with household duties, he would never think to say, ‘that is woman’s work, do it yourself or get a maid.’

He knows making love is more than wagging his appendage and hopping on! Nothing more to say on this one.

He is interested in more than himself, he is interested in the world. He reads, he explores and he is willing to try new things; at least once. His mind is a sponge that happily seeks opportunities to absorb new experiences.

He is engaged and active, whether in a single cause or broadly across many intertwined causes. He is at least putting something ahead of himself.

He has his own money. Yes, I went here I had too. I don’t care whether he has the same amount, more or less only that it is his own. I care that sometimes someone else pays, for the theater, the first class plane ticket, the groceries, the clothes, the phone bill, the luxury items. I care that someone besides me cares the bills get paid not just assumes because they always have they always will.

Finally, he loves me exactly as I am doesn’t want to subtract anything from me, doesn’t resent anything about me except I am late coming to his life, doesn’t condemn me or ridicule me, doesn’t want me changed, thinks I am sexy from the inside out and wants to see me naked from the inside out. Will sit in the waiting room when I am having surgery, not asked to be called when I am ready to go home. Will hang out with me when I am getting my next tattoo, not tell me they will divorce me if I get another.

jpgI Want A Grown Assed Man

I bet my list could be longer, I am certain of it. Red says they are Extinct. I don’t believe her, I think they exist and we simply haven’t allowed ourselves to be loved by the right man. I am holding on to hope. Lately I have been posting snippets on Facebook as I think of them, these were two from the past couple of weeks.

What I want….Breakfast in bed (just coffee would be good), phone calls in the middle of the day (for no reason at all), trips to the garden center, window shopping, spontaneous road trips just to take pictures….oh damn I want someone just like me. Oh well, guess I will have to do.


I want to be seen for just me, liked for just me, be wrapped in arms because I deserve it, walked with, taken out for drinks and a movie, danced with in my living room. I want to play cards and billiards, I want to laugh, I want someone to like the skin I am in without wanting to change it. Damn, I just want that.

I was inspired by this:

I realize, I want to be loved for me. I will continue to write about the mystery man I hope is out there, not today and not soon because I am not there, I am hurt right now and feel terribly unlovable and unpretty. But someday I want someone to feel me, my sharp edges, my history, my future and love all of it. I want someone to feel this and say this to me some day.


  1. singleworkingmomswm says:

    I’m right here with ya, Val! XOXO

    • I continue to be right there Kasey. I continue to seek in me, what is imperfect and beat the hell out of myself for it. I don’t know why, I suspect it is because I believe, still, I am not worthy of the love I want. It isn’t the truth, but it is what lies restlessly on my heart. I suspect I will always, until I truly believe I am worth it, continue to stay closed to what is truly good in the world, because I don’t deserve the love I want or need. I suspect there are a great number of us out there. It is sad, isn’t it?

      • singleworkingmomswm says:

        Yes, it is. I am trying to really be open when it comes to love, but in a way that is also self-preserving, it that makes sense. I don’t want to close off the possibility that I might have a soul mate out there, but I also don’t live my life longing for it. Sometimes I just want to close myself off and say, “I’m so done and will choose to live a life alone as I grow older.” Actually, sometimes I have said this out loud! But, then I settle back down into reality and know that it is better to open to the possibility as long as I keep my boundaries and stay true to myself no matter what. We ARE deserving of good men. We ARE worthy!!!!!! XOXOXO

        • I said this to someone the other day, it applies to so many things not just the possibility of love, but everything in life. I think it is the difference between most men and most women. Most women are ‘hopeful’, even when we have been beaten down we retain this hopefulness.

  2. You certainly deserve a “grown ass man.” Mutuality is the foundation of a loving relationship. I sincerely hope you find that “special” man to share your life with.

    • I think I will likely wait awhile, my list isn’t done yet and I don’t think I am polished and shiny yet either. This, well this is still a work in progress, on both sides of the coin. Thank you though, I think I deserve one too.

  3. I truly enjoyed reading this and wish you all the strength and wisdom you need for this future endeavor. I have to say, I realized I am not grown up yet, and have many of those attributes as goals for myself. I also realized that Hubby may not be a grown assed man, but that he is also still growing, and that we’re doing this together. We were married way before we even had an inkling of hat being grown up could look like, and certainly I had no idea what love could look like. This post, unexpectedly, made me grateful for my nearly grown assed man and that I did not give up on him. (Feel free to vomit at my disgustingly sweet comment, I’m finding it hard to believe as well, but it is really how I feel these days) So maybe, just maybe, your man is out there, and still growing up, and one day you will be ready for each other. I have not dated since I was 16, so I can’t even imagine what it must be like to find someone without the naivety of youth.

    • I think it is entirely possible to grow up together. I love the two of you have done so and haven’t given up on each other.

      Truthfully, this makes both of you grown up, likely far more so than many of us out here today. It isn’t disgustingly sweet, it is wonderfully uplifting and I am grateful for your comment. I am hopeful.


  4. I certainly believe these kinds of men exist, my friend. And may you find one! Gorgeous writing in this post, Val!

    Hugs from Ecuador,

    • I hope they might, somewhere. My heart says as I build this strange and wonderful list, what I really am doing is affirming myself, that I deserve something wonderful in my life. Perhaps it really isn’t about that mystery man, but about me and throwing off the definition others have created for me. This ‘grown assed man’, he might simply be that whole person, the other side of me.

      Hugs back my friend

  5. I’m a firm believer in never settling. I say it all the time: life is too short! I also believe it’s important to make a list (at least a mental one) of the things that are important to you. Nobody is perfect and it’s doubtful you’ll find somebody that fits your list to a T, but I’ve learned that if they come close, that’s a great foundation to build upon.

    • Mark, I think my list will grow and grow. I suspect this is truly more of a tearing away for me. I don’t expect any of us ever find that ‘perfect’ match, but we find someone who makes our heart sing, whose luggage is complimentary and who is willing to get matching baggage tags, you know?

      Right now, well I just want to heal. that is all, just heal.

  6. Although there are a lot of fish in the sea, I don’t know if such a paragon exists. If he does, you certainly deserve to land him, when you’re ready for love again.

    • I suspect you are correct on the existence of this paragon, remembering I will be adding to the list of features as my friends from the tsunami and I continue to talk. Nevertheless, it is good to consider what it is that we should seek, don’t you think? Once that list fills our journal, we can enact the terrible word…..C O M P R O M I S E…. knowing we are imperfect ourselves.


  7. I have no doubt you will have another shot at happiness when you are ready to accept it Valentine. And I hope your perfect ‘Grown Assed Man’ will be waiting on the other side 🙂 Have faith. In yourself foremost. Take care. Hugs 🙂

    • That my friend, that is what I am focused I suspect the Grown Assed Man is imperfect, which is why he is Grown. Hugs Back. Travel please, so I can live vicariously 🙂

  8. Actually, there are a lot of men just like that, Val. But, they’ve been disrespected in this politically correct society to the point where they don’t give a damn and would rather stay single. Personally, I think you need to worry about yourself first and not try to find “Mr. Right.” Maybe “Mr. Tonight” one weekend a month, but don’t worry about “The Perfect One.” After all you’ve endured lately, just work on healing!

    • I think I need to set standards and boundaries. So as we girls talk we build these lists. As the lists get built, why not write them down?

      As I said, it isn’t now. It is sometime.

      To the rest, yes I can see that.

  9. I truly think you will never settle for less again, Val! You are a grown-up woman! And they are Not extinct…just hard to find…sometimes it takes the second or third or fourth time around. P.S. Love the new photo!

    • I suspect you might be right, no settling. Might be a long while before I am done refining this list though, already I am finding things I forgot to add.

      I keep hearing they are not extinct. I believe it, I thrive on hope.

      thank you, I like the photo also. I like it isn’t fixed to hide the imperfections.

  10. As I reading this I thinking .. .Damn … Val is hitting on me because she’s describing me. 🙂 … I couldn’t resist. Your GAM is out there … just remember, he may be the one who don’t give a chance to.

    • Frank, you made me laugh! I forgot that one on my list, makes me laugh uproariously. But then as I said, my list isn’t done.

      Actually, I am describing a number of men I know including my own father who in his later years and second marriage was wonderfully romantic and loving. I want those things for myself.

      I am not there yet. First, as I have said several times I am still married. For now and the foreseeable future I am married. I have no intention of forgetting this very real part of who or what I am. It is important I think. But even with that being said, it shouldn’t stop me from defining what I deserve and I think that is what I am doing.

      You have been married so long because you are these things. You and your wife are fortunate in your partnership.

  11. You said…. ” I realize, I want to be loved for me. I will continue to write about the mystery man But someday I want someone to feel me, my sharp edges, my history, my future and love all of it. I want someone to feel this and say this to me some day.” .

    Loved your manifesting Val, as always your posts speak from your heart… I hope you will by now know I too speak from my heart.. And I want only to mend yours..<3

    Out of all of your wonderful words of your wanting your 'Grown Assed Man!" the sentence that jumped out at me was this one.. " I hope is out there, not today and not soon because I am not there, I am hurt right now and feel terribly unlovable and unpretty."… I wish I knew how to make this in bold to stand out for you… So that you can see what your inner dialogue is… which too is also manifesting!!!!!…

    Today I had a lady on my Blog whom I love dearly.. who said this on my Thoughts of Choice post.. " But yes we need to make the change so we can have a life, the life that we want, but sometimes we need to sit down and wait. ".. My answer to her was WHY WAIT?.. what is wrong with now?

    When will you feel ready to stop punishing yourself Val, for on the one hand you want your Grown Assed Man, but you then set conditions… You manifest in one hand, then push him away with a thought on the other hand.. as you say ( Not today, Not too soon, because I am not there,,, because you are hurting… and unlovable, unpretty )… Grrrrr, wish I could come and give you a Big Hug and shake UP too… .. I am sure Red has told you similar.. knowing Red.. 🙂 🙂 😉

    NOW is Val's time… NOW, not sometime soon… tomorrow never comes remember?? … And you ARE lovable… You just forgot how to Love you!.. ..

    You should look up some of Abraham Hicks videos on Thoughts! Val,, and Ok I'm done kicking your own Ass now… Feel free to come and Kick mine back if ever you see me on a downer!.. :-D……. I LOVE you… sister.. now go get him! 🙂

    • I know what you say is true Sue, truly I know. I also appreciate you kicking me in my ass. But now? No, not now. There are too many other things that must be worked including turning myself over and over again. I need to feel free to love, including loving myself. I am not there yet, though I work on it; staring into that mirror is a hard job. When what stares back are eyes full of pain, well I look away and know I have to work a little harder.

      I am fine with the process. Transitions are hard. Tsunami hits, they are harder. I am fine with recovery and the time it takes. I don’t expect quick fixes.

      Hugs back, I love you also.

  12. When you find him, can you see if he has a brother?

  13. Gray Dawster says:

    There are men out there like this, they don’t perhaps tick all of the boxes but where the love and honesty lives he is right there with you, and he will never let you down. One day I hope that this man finds you and loves you as you deserve to be loved my sweet friend.

    Have a lovely Monday Val and be good, just like me…

    Andro xxxx

    • I suspect my mystery man is simply a strawman, thus the idea of compromise. Do any of us ever stand up to the scrutiny of ‘perfection’? Somehow I doubt it, somehow I suspect we are all deeply flawed, especially as we grow older and more experienced, more set in our ways. The idea is though, we should also become more ‘grown up’, more willing to meet the needs of our partner, more worthy of another persons love, less selfish and self-serving.

      Deserving of love? Aren’t we all?

      Have a wonderful week Andro

  14. I think he sounds wonderful, and I think you’ll find him since you know exactly what you’re looking for, and you’re just about ready… I mean I think he’ll find you !!!

    • I think he is shaping up nicely! I am though, nowhere near ready. I don’t believe I would know him if he walked through the door with a bow tied around him. I am right now just doing the work I need to transition my life into to normalcy. I am trying hard to find relevant work that will give me an income and not require me to travel anymore. I am trying hard to sort out both my life and my heart. But someday Valerie, my heart and life will be my own then maybe, perhaps I will be ready for other things.

  15. frigginloon says:

    Val, Val, Val this is your mission if you choose to accept…..I want you and Red to go to a speed dating session . enough with the eye rolling!!! Besides being a hoot it could be a “fast” way to dismiss all the needy assed men you seem to attract …. plus it would be some uber blog post.

    AND by “Speed Dating” I don’t mean some seedy low life pub crawl (that’s where you are most likely to find the spongers,) no go to a Professional Speed dating session where you can find THAT man. Come on, come on it could be life changing 😉

    • I think Loon, all things ‘dating’ will have to wait until I am honestly and officially single. I am not right now. For now I will stick to simply defining something nebulous in the future, that is ‘what I want or what I think I need’. Someday, in the future, when all things fall where they will and the things are sorted, then I will begin to consider true options.

  16. It’s a basic human need: to be loved and accepted for who we are. I think we all feel the need for it — but, many are unable to give the kind of love that they want in return. I certainly don’t seek to justify men’s behaviors, but society doesn’t teach men to love. Again, not an excuse, just an observation.

    I think there are still Good Ass Men out there, though they are probably a bit tougher to find. I think that maybe the more hurt we are, the tougher it is to see the good ones — when we’re hurt and raw with emotion, everyone is a potential threat, rather than a potential keeper.

    Don’t rush though … give yourself some time to heal from this last one. It was bad. Enjoy some time getting to know yourself again.

    • Your observations are fair John, all of them including being raw and seeing others as a threat. No rush, healing is my number one right now. But as part of the process of healing and transitioning, I think it is important to define what I want for myself, what is important, what might make me happy. I suspect this list will grow, I also suspect this list will begin to include the flip side, that is what it is I need to be and want to be.

  17. I tend to think that if you know what it is you want in a partner, odds are better that you’ll find that person. I wish you success Val.

    • I think this also, I thought this 17 years ago and damn look where I am today. The strange thing is, my list hasn’t really changed all that much. Perhaps I have refined it based on new experience and even more polishing. I suspect we all change, even what we want might change after we figure out what is not tolerable.

      To dreams.

  18. I think you can get some of those features — but getting all of them? I am not sure. Maybe putting them into “Must Haves” and “Wouldn’t it be lov-er-ly.” I’m happily married to a guy who is usually a grown up. But not always. Then again, neither am I!

  19. Oh my! Maybe Red is correct. That man would be ready for translation into heaven and I certainly don’t match up to that. lol. But if you do find a man like that you certainly deserve him.

    • Oh Ian, I am not going to believe that. Perhaps I am looking for a paragon, maybe so. But after all this time, why not shoot for the moon? Why not. There are many good people in the world, just look at all those I have met here in my journey through the blogs.

  20. The bad news is – most men don’t ever grow up, wrapped up as they are in their infantile macho bullshit and focus on that teeny between their legs. Watch any movie or worse – reality show, or even what passes off nowadays under the guise of ‘documentaries’.

    The good news is – there is a grown man out there looking for someone like you.

    I hope you both find one another.

  21. Jueseppi B. says:

    A grown assed man huh.Grown assed men need grown assed women.

  22. From the class and strength you’ve shown on your blog, you certainly deserve that man. I hope you find him. If so, he’ll be the lucky one. 🙂

    • Thank you Carrie. I deserve something, I deserve not to be alone I think though being alone seems to be healthier right now. This list is simply somehow cathartic, it makes me feel stronger to build it.

  23. May you find everything you are looking for and more .

  24. He sounds like a wonderful man, Val. They say when you think it out as thoroughly as you have, odds are you’ll find him. You’ve set the groundwork. Now go forth and invite him in! As my kids used to say, he’s not going to just show up at your door. Of course, what do they know? 😉

    • Yeah, just no not right now. I am thinking I have other things to do right now. The fact that I am still and remain for now very much married would be a hindrance also. This is simply that ideal, that thought that somewhere and sometime in the future assuming this ends the way my husband wants it to end, I find myself full unencumbered; this is the beginning of the list.

  25. Hmmm….I want that kinda guy too. For now though, I’ll have to sculpt him and breathe life into his ass. I’m glad to see you’ve defined what you want, even if now isn’t the best time for him to come along. I will encourage you that if he does, be open and grab him up, honey. The pickings are real slim. In the meantime, you seem to be coming out of those bad feelings. Red’s a good woman, helping you out and all. Everyone needs those kinda friends.


  1. […] is this all leading? On 13-April, I wrote Served Grown Up Please, it was a soliloquy to what I wanted in the next man I would love. I said then I would return to my […]

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  3. […] few weeks ago I wrote a post that defined the beginnings of the Grown Assed Man I wanted in my life sometime in the future. I said then I wasn’t ready, since then I have been […]

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