Going Hard and Soft

Sleeping BeautyMen go hard for what they truly want, so if he isn’t going hard for you; you aren’t what he truly wants, walk away and be grateful for the heads-up.

I saw something close to the above the other day traveling through the Facebook pages of women I know. I thought to myself, ‘yes, this is probably true but for one thing’, the women they are chasing. You know, all of us, we are not always the easiest, softest or most accessible targets in creation for them to ‘go hard for’ or catch. So, if going after us ‘hard’ doesn’t seem to be happening, should we take at least part of the blame for our decision to demand political correctness over hard courtship.

Think about it ladies, what is it we want or what message is it we send when we talk about men, whether the men in our lives or the men we want in our lives. Do we send a mixed message? Does the man of our fantasy come with a pair of clippers we can use to emasculate him upon capturing his attention? Do we have a secret rule book we pull out and does it match up to what we say we want in a man? Are we truly prepared for what it is we want from a man or are we blowing smoke up our own skirts?

A few weeks ago I wrote a post that defined the beginnings of the Grown Assed Man I wanted in my life sometime in the future. I said then I wasn’t ready, since then I have been challenged in my thinking, part of the challenge was would I recognize that mystery man if he showed up on my doorstep, the other part though was what would I do if he did. I think all of us, women that is, have to consider those questions; this is especially true if we have a history, whether it is a love history, marriage history or any history involving men and our relationship to them. All of our history goes into making us, we wrap ourselves in layers of protective swaddling bought with our hearts and hurts, only showing what we choose only letting in what we think is safe. We have learned, from our sisters over wine and bitch sessions, ‘Grown Assed Men’ might not be the safest partners, in fact though we build our fantasies around strong, capable, smart and sometimes militant men, ones who will ‘go hard’ after us and make us feel desired in every part of our lives, these are not the men we allow to catch us, these men scare the hell out of us. These men, these hard, grown assed men, they tell us they want to own our hearts, our souls, our bodies and while we might want to polish the silver platter and hand it over, kneeling crawlingdown in front of them to do so, most of us won’t do it, we will run hard and fast in the other direction. These men are not what we have been taught to let catch us.

What we have learned, from our friends, from modern life, from hours upon hours of media, from divorce is to be hard ourselves. We have learned to show no weakness, as women we have defined ourselves based on our strength, our ability to take everything on without being dependent. We have learned that showing submissiveness, even in our private lives is a sign of weakness rather than strength and trust. What we are in the boardroom carries into all facets of our lives, from home, to money to bedroom; no quarter asked or given. As women we have armored ourselves against the world and told men to stand down and stand aside; don’t open our doors, don’t pull out our chairs, don’t stroke us, pet us, pamper us or otherwise treat us like ladies or cherished, don’t act like our protectors. Don’t behave as if we need protection or are in anyway ‘inferior’ or we will kick them in the balls, emasculate them with our sharp tongues. If we feel we are at all threatened by the strength and will of that grown assed man we secretly wanted but were scared to death to open up to, scared our friends would hate, scared we would give too, we will run like hell. What we run to is someone softer, some other model more complicit in our agreement to lie to ourselves about what it is we truly want.

Men go hard for what they truly want? Why though would they want us in our bitterness.

Women need to begin to do the same, our going hard needs to be some self-examination though. If we are afraid of the fantasy of the grown assed man who will treat us properly, perhaps it is us not them. If we run to hard from that man showing up on our doorstep, we might need to look inside ourselves and ask why we don’t recognize what is standing before us, instead turning to what is weak and unable to cherish our strength and our spirit. If a man holds your door, wraps his arm around you to keep you from stumbling, acts as your strength so you can simply feel are you trapped or freed? As women we need to begin looking at the trap we have set for ourselves, with our demand we be treated just like them.

Our strength isn’t diminished by our softness, we are women our softness, our ability to feel and heal is part of our strength. We are the flip side of the coin, not the same side. Why do we want to emulate men, mystery-manrather than strengthen them? Yes, I know there are parts of our lives we are and should be absolutely on equal ground, work, education, opportunity and pay. This though is not what I am talking about and I would never suggest I don’t believe in equality in the boardroom, only that perhaps we have carried our demands for equality too far.

It is simply my rambling thoughts for the day. I don’t know what I would do if that Grown Assed Man showed up on my doorstep. I hope as I continue to explore my relationship with myself and my mystery man, I will figure it out.


  1. Women have strove for so long to have equality and but up there in this Dog eat Dog world… Maybe we need to be softer now and again.. We are told the feminine energy is returning in the emotional world.. It means we need more love, more compassion and more care..
    Sometimes all we need do is take care of ourselves, and love ourselves and what we do more.. I know I am lucky within my Dreamwalker World… But I know I have dared to dream..
    I dream that one day we learn to respect each other more, when we do that.. and as you so pointedly said in your last paragraph .
    ” I hope as I continue to explore my relationship with myself “…

    That one day we get the balance right! 🙂

    Much love.. Sue xoxox

    • I think that is right Sue, it truly is a matter of balance. We do not have to give up power simply balance it. It isn’t truly a matter of submission or dominance, more an issue of balance and respect.



      • Yes, We have lost the ‘Balance’ in many things Val, You see we are ALL of us part of the Bigger Picture.. The World is at this moment unbalanced as it shifts its power struggles in various countries.. The weather is unbalanced as she shifts her jet streams and warms up with man’s tamperings..
        Balance is the KEY in ALL things.. The Yin and Yang… Positive and Negative.. Both are needed for our experience.. But too much of one causes the imbalance of the other.. So they constantly ‘fight’ each other to even themselves out..
        The World now is starting its tipping point Val…. It remains to be seen Which way it will swing!

  2. Looking at it from a man’s perspective I don’t want a woman who is either submissive or aggressive in a marriage. I want someone with a mind I can talk with on an equal level, someone who has personality of their own and a set of independent goals in life. Someone who is willing to compromise and extend and receive forgiveness for slights which will naturally arise when two independent people come together in a marriage relationship. There is no perfect relationship but when both live together with mutual respect it can be a happy partnership through life. I feel sad for those who have not found that to be the case.

  3. frigginloon says:

    Val, Val, Val, see this is why I wanted you to go on a speed dating. Not to find someone but to see what was out there and then write about it. I’m sure you could cut through all the bulshit really quickly. You know I will never give up hounding you until you do :),

  4. I think the reason why we may not recognize the man of our dreams is because we are afraid to trust our hearts. Usually because we have our hearts in the past to lead us and somehow things didn’t work out.

    So when he comes along, our hearts might recognize him, but we do not follow our hearts this time. I guess it’s what you mean when you say we wrap ourselves in layers of protective swaddling.

    Trusting your heart again is scary stuff. It is so scary that we choose to lower our standards than to be with that man we know is everything we’ve ever wanted.

    I also do understand about hiding our softness. For someone who has grown up taking care of others, I still find it hard to just be and let a man take care of me. I am afraid that I will become too dependent and then when he leaves, I won’t be able to go on. So I choose to remain in control the only way I know how, by not showing my softness. And you know what happens at the end, it looks like you are pushing away his love and surely no one is going to stick around for that.

    Valentine, I have learnt (very recently) something about trusting my heart. I have learnt that it is not about whether my heart will choose right or wrong. It is about whether I can live with the consequences of the decisions that my heart has made for me.

    Thank you for sharing. 🙂

    • Thank you Lyrical, you have it exactly right about the trust and about the consequences. I am stepping very softly, trying to look for those well trod paths knowing though the only way I find what it is I truly seek is to step off the path, open myself up and let down the walls.

      Gad, what a thought. So do you run toward what it is you want? Risk everything? My heart says yes, yes bring it on, give it to me and give it to me now. My head says, stop.

      Trust is a hard thing isn’t it?


  5. Carrie captured my thoughts. So I’ll add this … given the differences in people, each in the relationship must go hard after the golden ring that is a successful relationship … but that also means the other must understand the methodology of the other will involve differences.

    • I am still forming my thoughts around this one Frank. Still thinking about why we choose who we choose. More specifically, what women say they want versus what we might really want and why the huge chasm between the two. I think this might be really true with those of us who have been, like me in very different worlds, made very different choices sometimes not because we ‘choose’ but because we must.

      It is part of the self examination.

  6. Just yes.

  7. Our strength is our softness…

  8. Interesting post, Val.

    After a particularly bruising meeting with fellow directors in Hamburg, my German boss mentioned that I was very ‘direct’ – his way of hinting that, I should tone down a little.

    My response was something along these lines. We are all hunters, aggressive and ready to bite the heads off competitors. If you want pussycats – be prepared to lose market share.

    His English was not up to par and I continued – you’re the boss and you should figure out when to stroke and when to crack the whip – timing and approach is everything, I reckon.

    Are there parallels for a social setting? Perhaps – but really, I don’t know.

    But I do open doors and even fawn over Lisa – and she accepts it graciously and with full confidence that my actions mean nothing more (certainly not a threat to her standing as my equal) than a display of mushy love.

    Sometimes, she strokes my ego – and it feels good too 🙂

    Each to his/her own, I reckon.


  9. I’ve been out of the game a long time and maybe because I’m old school, I have always found eventually the male needs to rule the roost.This, of course, doesn’t bode well for the equality as might benefit both of them. I am still confused but I this post is excellent.

    • I am still working through my thoughts on this one Tess. It was the challenge that got me thinking, ‘would I recognize this fantasy man if he came knocking?’ and ‘what would I do if he did’. The reality is, I had created this man with attributes I would not normally choose, I created a man much stronger than the man I would had chosen in the past. So how would I know him and what would I do?

      Ruling the roost? I do think some things are shared, I do believe in compromise. But I think we are compliments to each other.

      • I so hope you meet this man you’ve ‘created’. There’s no reason that he does not exist. ❤

        • I suspect he does exist Tess. It isn’t he doesn’t exist, it is whether I am willing and open to allowing him to exist in my life. This is a huge leap of faith and trust. Finding yourself within the morass of social expectations, historical standards, mistrust and bad choices. I am finding those are leaps of faith many of us never took, instead choosing ‘soft’ and easy.

          We shall see where I go from here. It is still a path isn’t it.

  10. Gray Dawster says:

    Great posting Val 🙂
    Hope you are having
    a lovely Sunday 😉

    Andro xxxx

    • Thank you Andro, I am having a productive one. Hope your Sunday is lovely as well.

      • Gray Dawster says:

        It was very nice thank you my sweet friend;
        I am cutting out the sweets and chocolates,
        and other (yummy things) for my diet spree
        but everything is going well with it so that’s
        great 🙂 Have a lovely rest of Tuesday Val 😉

        Andro xxxx

        • Good for you, though I don’t believe in diets. Moderation my friend. It works better.

          • Gray Dawster says:

            It is in moderation really, I’m not sticking to any particular diet just cutting out all the rubbish and replacing with a healthier diet 🙂

            I’m only doing the cutting down thingy for myself, nobody has asked me to diet or anything so I have only myself to please, which takes off the difficulty I think 🙂 Hope you are having a fun afternoon 🙂

            Andro xxxx

        • Good for you, though I don’t believe in diets. Moderation my friend. It works better.

          • Gray Dawster says:

            Yes moderation is good but I’m one of those that once I get the taste for chocolate I want MORE 🙂 lol

            At the moment I am enjoying this cutting down thingy and am already seeing the benefits so another plus there 🙂 Yaaaaaaay 😉

            Andro xxxx

  11. Jueseppi B. says:


  12. My recent revelation was that I’ve selected men (or have allowed them to select me) based on an innate familiarity about them. Each one internally (but not consciously) reminded of some other familiar male in my life thus far. Sometimes that was good; other times not. It depended on who exactly they resembled (physically or emotionally). I seemed to have been split throughout my life, half the time choosing a person based on a good male role model, half the time not. It’s important to recognize our patterns. Instead of defaulting to ‘anything’ familiar, we can guide ourselves to a new familiar . . . by defining a positive male role model we’d like a man in our lives to emulate. I think it’s important, though, that the role model be a person we knew personally (a childhood friend’s father, your own friend), someone with character who you have witnessed treating their significant other with great respect and love.

    • My own experience, after the first was how safe they were emotionally nothing more or less. I am only now coming to realize this. Simply how little they would demand of me emotionally. How much I could withhold, how much of me I could keep back, how much of me I could keep safe.

      It is a terrible recognition.

      • It’s important to recognize the person in the mirror, but it’s more important to be kind to her. She’s like everyone else, learning life’s lessons, sometimes the soft way, sometimes the hard way.

  13. Men and women are different, no doubt. But as you point out, different does not mean not equal. Furthermore, women are different from each other just as men are, too, so stereotyping never works either. I think the important thing is that a women understand who she herself is first. When she does, she’ll better recognize her male match. And of course, we have to like and respect ourselves first, because if we don’t, we can’t expect anyone else to.

    Wonderful post as always. 🙂

    • Agreed Carrie, we don’t all fit into a mold we are different from each other as can be. The path to learning ourselves is rocky, especially as we unwrap the swaddling of past hurts. The challenge of learning and the challenge of see yourself in different light can be interesting.


  14. I think your last statement may sum up everything. Everybody’s still trying to figure it out after being in relationships that’ve beat them up and down. I was watching a show last week and one question was to the woman, “Haven’t you, in fact, given your power to this man and made yourself a victim?” That says enough for me. I figure at my age, if I haven’t figured it out, I’m just gonna focus on something else and I’m okay with that.

    • I think after all this time a better question might be how do we stop being in a power grab when we are in truth equals where there is love, respect and passion. Why do we continue to talk about power? Me, I am going to focus on making certain I am good with me, know me and know who I am if the rest falls into place, I will be good with that also.

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