Done with a Blank Page

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAAt approximately 9:15am yesterday, I was standing in front of a judge in family court in Dallas County, right hand raised and swearing to tell the truth. My attorney asked a series of questions, including was I requesting my name be returned to me to ask my creditors or criminal prosecution, I answer each question correctly apparently, five minutes after it started it was over. The judge smiled and granted my request for a divorce, a chapter closed.

I felt a weight lift from my shoulders as if a piece of me had been returned. I will not say that all the years with the man who had been my husband were bad or wasted that would be a lie. We had many good years together, at least I believe we did. The lie we told to each other and ourselves is we could repair what was broken after the first time he left, we spent two more years lying to each other and ourselves. Maybe out of love, maybe out of duty, maybe out of fear, whatever the reason we spent two years hurting each other and we shouldn’t have. We tore at each other, finding what hurt the worst and tearing each other down to the bone. I know at the end I felt broken by harsh words and the almost two years without physical validation of our connection, of love, of beauty or desirability in the eyes of the man who was supposed to love me.

The pages have been turned the book closed. I walked out of the court and it was done. My copies stamped by the County Clerk and officially, I am me again, single…free…unencumbered by husband or the obligations to same. I am no longer a hyphenated name, but just me.

During the last several months as I walked toward this day I have been finding things about myself, some of them I have talked about in the pages of this blog. Some you have seen as I have begun to open the pages of my journals and add poetry to the mix. Truly, I never thought I would ever let those out for others to see, I am gratified by the reception they have received.

Outside the courthouse 23-May-14

Outside the courthouse 23-May-14

When I started this journey, the day I came home to an empty house I was devastated and betrayed. Not once but twice my ex-husband had walked out, leaving me alone to pick up the pieces. This time I didn’t wait I found a path to take back my life. This time I was done, there was no ‘vacation’ from marriage, I was taking myself back, even through the hurt, I knew I had had enough. Alone, I made it through the death of my mother. Alone I have been working through trying to sort out career issues and not working. Scary stuff really, when you are use to having a partner by your side. Then finally, today came and alone I stood in front of the judge and thanked her for granting my petition for divorce.

What I have found, as I stare at these pages saying I am no longer married is this is simply the finalization of what has been mostly true for two long and hard years. I have certainly been lonely for that long, broken by judgment I didn’t earn or deserve and isolated in my head, my heart frozen over, more fragile than even I was aware. I tried very hard to gloss over what was wrong, even becoming very good at it most of the time in public. I was wrong; I should have walked away when I knew it wasn’t going to get better. I am not going to beat myself to death, it’s my nature to do the right thing, to stand by commitments made and vows taken, it is how I was raised. But, the truth is, I was wrong and I allowed myself to be hurt.

For two long years I have thought, what do I want, from life mostly but for my future and in my future. I continue to discover more about myself every single day. Some things I discover are shocking as they rock my world away from what I thought I knew. Others are more validation of what I have always known, now as I pull myself away from the funk I have been in I can realize them and begin to act on them, as I need to, so I can take my life back.

What do I know so far, some things are simple and others more nebulous, strange and for the future.

  1. I want work that interests me but doesn’t take up all my time, it is a difficult balance.
  2. To truly get my house in order, cleaned and cleared out of all the debris of the past.

Those are my two very short-term goals. Silly,right?

Remember Grown Assed Man, yes him. I talk about him now and then and think about him frequently. He is that man sitting off in the corner of my eye, the one who has never come into focus, stepped in my way or given me that shattering kiss that made my knees weak and captured me, mind, body, heart and soul. I want him in my life; I do not want to spend my life alone. It is neither my nature nor my desire. Do not misunderstand, I will never settle again. I will never again tolerate being abused or mistreated, ignored or abandoned. This doesn’t change the truth of my nature; I am a woman who enjoys the companionship at every single imaginable level of a man. I will wait, because the man I have built in my writing and my imagination, yes that one that grown assed man he is the one I already love a little bit, he is the one worth waiting for. Nevertheless, I want that in my life.

I have turned the page and closed the chapter on this I have a blank page with a new chapter, oddly it starts;

Once upon a time……

(as part of my house cleaning endeavor I have cleaned up my blog removing twenty posts going back two years. This bit of housekeeping felt good, I hated losing comments and discussions, I didn’t hate losing what were in truth lies, since they reflected a marriage with happy and loving partners, clearly not the truth)

Comments

  1. Good Housekeeping is Good Val.. Clean Sweeps, New Starts… and Here’s to all your tomorrows! 🙂 as you live in your NOW.. Love and Hugs Sue xxx

    • Yes, yes it is. All the cobwebs get cleared away, fascinating what we find living beneath them. Still hard at work, actually making more of a mess than I started but slowly and surely it will get done.

  2. Good for you Valentine!!! Glad you are finally free of corroding baggage. “Once Upon A Time” is a great place to start 🙂 Wishing you all the very best in life!

  3. Good to hear you are doing so much better again! And you learned a valuable lesson. With knowing what you know now, the right guy will come along. Just give it time and in the mean time become happier with your life and your self than you’ve ever been. 😉

  4. “I felt a weight lift from my shoulders.” There will always be a sense of hurt from the experience but you are strong and can handle that.

    • Not strong, no I am resilient and life goes on. I have decided, not strong just me. Just like anyone else. Just me and resilient. I like that word better.

      😉

  5. Yes, Do Not Settle.
    You. Are. Worth. Everything.
    More than that.
    PS. I, too, go to poetry at my darkest hours.
    LUV u. xxx

    • Oddly, I write it just whenever not just when I am dark but when I am shattered with light. It is just that until now, I haven’t felt safe or free to share it. So much of it is erotica and I, well I just felt it wouldn’t be acceptable.

      My darling and dear friend, I love you. Thank you.

  6. I loved hearing your conviction about what you will NOT settle for. I say it’s worth the wait. Brilliant writing, Val. I like the ‘next’ starting line. 🙂

    • There is no point in settling is there? Been there and tried that, it didn’t work out so well. Now? No, now I want it all. I want everything and if I can’t have everything then I would rather simply be alone, seems like a fair answer.

      🙂

  7. Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    Life lessons!!! Sharing ….

  8. Reblogged this on The ObamaCrat™.

  9. My dearest!!! I’m sending you bright energy and healing light. Be strong and proud! You can … tell yourself u can. Tell yourself u will. I’m behind u 100%.

  10. I sense a lightness in your writing today. Good to hear. Congratulations for standing tall. A new chapter begins and I bet it will be exhilarating. 3 ❤

    • I suspect it will be scary as hell. I am fine with that, it isn’t like other things, things I had absolutely no control over weren’t scary as hell, right? At least this time it is a choice I am making rather than a choice some else is making. This time, I am choosing which fork in the road, not that I am not scared hell right now there are few things that have me shaking in my high-heels. That is fine though, I learned to walk in them many years ago.

      I will write this one without someone dictating the words, if I am fortunate maybe eventually someone will read them, smiling and sitting beside me. If not, well that will have to be okay as well.

      🙂

    • Having c.o.n.t.r.o.l. is heady stuff. ❤
      Miles to go before you sleep but the journey will be liberating.

  11. Congratulations! Sigh with relief. Sing with joy. You have taken back your life. I send you beautiful thoughts on which to float and the courage to make them come true.

    • Thanks. I suspect courage will come in handy. Big talk, what I want, taking those steps into the future, yes courage will be necessary for some of it certainly.

      I am though most hopeful I will embrace the future I dream.

  12. You go girl. You got this. Trust me.

  13. It will be easier to clear the physical debris because you have done such a good job clearing the mental debris. I am confident that this next chapter will be a wonderful story, where our heroine learns to put herself first as she grows and loves again. Yup. a wonderful story!

    • Elyse, I am so very ready to start writing on those pages. Shockingly ready in truth. Finding that I have been living in limbo without realizing it, well that was a big reveal for me. Maybe that is part of what hurt so badly, tearing those bandages off. But now, I am starting to feel pretty damned good. Still have work to do, finding the right work, finishing the house cleaning, getting right with myself but all of it feels good.

      🙂

  14. Welcome to your new chapter. I hope this one has far less conflict for you and more supportive characters.

    • Even if I only counted those I have here, who lift me up and cheer me on Carrie, I am already in the plus column.

      If this is any indication, it would seem I am in for a wonderful next chapter. I am blessed.

  15. How very exciting to have the rest of your life ahead of you. The goals you set are excellent goals, not silly. All the best to you in every endeavor. You deserve the best.

    • Oddly, it is rather exciting. Now if I could simply find someone with a really big shovel to help with #2. That one is rather daunting at the moment.

      Thanks Honie.

  16. Now you can be good to yourself without someone else intervening about doing housework and considering them. I mean, that’ll happen anyway but nobody’s in your house that you’d have to meet their needs. Clearing out clutter takes so much weight off.

    • It does, you know I am finding every closet opened and cleared makes the house feel lighter and in turn me feel lighter. Each space cleared seems to bring some new option to me and I love my home more, even though it is hard work some if emotionally hard. Where three months ago I was intent on selling, no matter what, now I just don’t know.

  17. Oh, Valentine, I don’t know whether congratulations are in order but I will go ahead and say so mostly because of the new page that’s staring back at it you. An opportunity to rewrite the story of your life and from what I have been reading here, I know it will be a fantastic story.

    “I continue to discover more about myself every single day. Some things I discover are shocking as they rock my world away from what I thought I knew.”… this is true for me too.

    Thank you for sharing, always. We might not all say this but I know there’s lots of people out there who can relate to your journey and draw strength from everything you write.

    Be good to yourself, gal. Take care. 🙂

    • Lyrical, thank you. Yes, at this stage congratulations are in order. It is a new day and I am here and standing and ready. It is a good day, so thank you. Journeys of discovery are always good, even when they rock us off our known paths, always good.

      I am trying hard to be good to myself, I am trying even harder to listen to wonderful teachers placed before me.

      Thank you again.

  18. I think the idea about clearing debris is good. That kind of clutter being removed reminds you things are different, and the absence of them reminds you that you are in charge. You will come home everyday and see them missing and know it is because you got rid of them. I love ya Val.

    • You are exactly right Tom. The idea is to create huge spaces to be filled in later. It is also to eventually not recognize them as missing anything.

      Love back, truly I value friendships and yours is right up there!

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