After All

Not the usual fare today, this is new and part of the fury I have felt over the past few days as I draw closer to my Divorce being finalized. It is the inevitable ending, it is the right ending. I am at peace, yet I am still this as well.



When the wind lifts the hair from my neck, I think it’s you

                Breathing softly against my back in the morning

                Or at night as we rest together, just before sleep

                I use to leave the window open for the wind

I still sleep on my side of the bed, the one furthest from the door

                One leg dangles over the side just slightly, as if to escape

                I can’t convince my sleeping body to move in the bed that is mine

That leg is always numb when I wake in the morning

The storms blow through and I look for you as I gather ‘emergency’ supplies

                You told me you would protect me, go to war for me

                Of course you also told me, ‘Run, baby run’ in case of an attack

                I think run was the truth it is after all what you did

You said, ‘I will always love you’

                I believed you, even when you left I heard your words echoing

                Whispered in my head as I fell into bed, alone

                My heart beat to words taken back by you silently

My dreams are not  filled with you anymore

                I wake up in tears though I don’t know why

                The light is still on, I can’t sleep without its glow

               You never did chase the monsters away

You only loved the part of me I showed you, did you know

                I never trusted you with my secrets

                Never showed you the graveyard of my soul

                I think I knew you couldn’t be trusted with all of me

                                My heart knew you would run someday leaving me alone

Valentine, 14-May 2014


  1. This is a beautiful piece. thank you:)

  2. This is spare and elegant writing, Val. I feel the draw of breath and the resignation: it’s over, but of course it it. I believed you and I hoped.
    Don’t you think, through no fault of our own, we always hold back something for whatever reason?

    • Yes, I think we do if we know there is a reason to not trust. I think there is someone, somewhere that can be perfectly trusted with our secrets. I believe that, maybe we never meet them which is sad. But I believe there is that soul connection somewhere in the world.

      This was my liberation though Tess. Less resignation and more simple letting go of one thing, knowing I held longer than I should.

  3. I can’t think of a single word..or string of them to describe my feeling on this. I think I cycled through a few start to finish..
    The end is an aching in my heart. Who can say I know how you feel.. Because we all feel it a little different… But your words remind me enough, my heart is aching for you. I hate that you are hurting so much.. But I know you will find your way through it. Much love and a really big hug . .. ♥

  4. You only loved the part of me I showed you, did you know

    I never trusted you with my secrets

    Never showed you the graveyard of my soul

    I think I knew you couldn’t be trusted with all of me

    So beautiful and powerful. This touches something within me. How sad when we can’t share all of ourselves, even with those to whom we are the closest. I know this feeling. Shame, distrust, fear…all hold me apart from everyone I love.

    • It is the very hardest part Amaya. I am finding it is the very hardest part, to know the reason we are so broken is because the cracks in our heart keep the dark in rather then letting the light in, that we withhold so much and thus never let ourselves be loved. If we cannot lay ourselves bare, make ourselves vulnerable how will we ever be whole?

  5. My heart is with you Val. I am glad to see you using words to help you heal. And doing so beautifully.

    • Thank you Elyse, words are all I have ever had. All my life, they were my only weapon and my only solace, my only escape. Oddly, my second mother kept all my very early journals, I don’t know if she ever read them, but she kept them. I think I might burn them soon.

  6. More great poetry, Val! I think this kind of writing is helping you heal. I know writing in my journal and working on my stories is therapeutic for me.

    • It is Alejandro and thank you. Though I have always written poetry, I never thought to expose this side of myself. I am, I think glad I have. Isn’t it strange I think this is far more personal than anything else.

  7. Val, I hope it helps you heal faster venting your hurt and sorrow through art.

  8. You only loved the part of me I showed you, did you know

    I never trusted you with my secrets

    I guess we all like to keep that private space even in the most intimate relationship.

  9. I feel awful “liking” this. There should be a toggle to hug or something. The poem is beautiful. My heart is with you 😦

    • It is good to like this. This is truly me setting myself free, telling a truth that should have been told two years ago if I had only gotten out of my own head. I will take the hug, but this is truly me saying I am fine.

  10. Very lovely, Val. Way to turn your pain into something transformative and beautiful. That’s the bricks in the road to healing. I very much liked this. It is wonderfully written. Thank you for your courage to share.

  11. I’m sending you healing hugs

  12. Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    The power of the written word!!! An open soul ….

  13. Dearest friend …. I did not know. I have no words, I offer you the comfort you can find in this cyber-connection. Trust? I hope you can feel my offer … I hope you can find solace. I hope you can hope for more. Bare words …. so powerful. I’m here.

    • Thank you, truly. I weave these themes, but keep so much close don’t I. Seventeen years, fifteen of them married to him. Strangely though I have spent at least the past two of them fighting the bonds that tied us because they were strangling me and I didn’t know either.

      Solace? I think now there is something more I want, solace yes but more too. I am afraid though even if it knocked on my door I wouldn’t know it, recognize it or let it in.

      • You’re more than welcome … Solace, I meant for now, for these trying times.

        Right now … time to heal. May sound cliche, but it will come. I’m sure it will … when the time is right and when the person is the right one …. Keep you hope, hard as it may seem now.

        ❤ ❤ …..

        • Honesty? It has been years in the making so I am likely better than I should be. This, it is that last final tearing of the Band-aid as I realize it will soon be officially done. The cracks in my heart are beginning not to heal but to let the light in.

  14. Out of great disappointment, springs powerful verse – why must it be so. If we could only savour the words – but how can we, knowing it’s born of reality.

    I ticked “like” – but only as a show of support for a friend.


    • It is okay to like this one Eric. It is truly one not of terrible disappointment but of great empowerment as well. I know it doesn’t seem so, but read between the lines. My freedom, it is there.

      Your support, it is most welcome. Through my darkest days of finding me you have lifted me and I have been grateful.

  15. **My dreams are not filled with you anymore**

    Val, just a note to say “I love you.”

    Also, readers have not been getting my blog. Are you? xxxxxxxxx

  16. Val, I was touched and carried along within your poem, The Recognition of hurt, the longing and yet the acceptance it was inevitable..
    I think you are going to be All right ‘After All!’ my friend 😉
    Love to you … and more.. 🙂

    • Sue, I am going to be just fine. Even as my home echos with the emptiness, I turn up the music and dance. Even as the music carries me the music doesn’t remind me, it isn’t memory music but something else now. Even if I am scared as hell of all sorts of monsters, I know I am capable and strong enough to slay my own dragons. You are right, I will be fine.

      Love back to you across the big pond

  17. I love the raw, romantic , heartbreaking tone, but not the reality that prompts it. Divorce evokes many memories, both positive and negative, as well as feelings of rejection, relief,guilt,anger,and failure. We seem to travel through the stages akin to grief because it is a loss of something that we once loved. My divorce was fast and damaging to me personally and financially, but I survived. So will you. I send you thoughts of strength and solace.

    • I say it was fast, it wasn’t it was two years in the making it should have happened the first time he left. But I, the ever hopeful, I wanted it to work and closed my eyes to what was terribly wrong even while fighting to regain myself. This time, it was simply like ripping a band-aid off a wound. Painful, yes but now it is done, or nearly so. Thank you, I am good, I am better I am hopeful, helpless so but nearing a different hope now.

  18. paulessick says:

    Reblogged this on My Blog snuppy.

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